Chuck Norris jokes

[Iacobus]

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have
a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in
every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just
bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly
says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in
the face.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he
threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

[Iacobus]

United States President George W. Bush has stated that Norris is his favorite actor.

That explains a lot.

[Cow of Shame]

I prefer random Vin Diesel facts.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

[homeschoolmom]

I had no idea...

[Iacobus]

The AIDS virus is just a rouge part of Vin Diesel's DNA, commonly called the "Bad-arse" strand.

[Cow of Shame]

[quote name='Iacobus' date='Dec 14 2005, 10:22 PM']The AIDS virus is just a rouge part
[/quote]

rouge is what ladies put on their cheeks to make them look like they're blushing
rogue is an individual who exhibits an undesirable variation from a standard.

[Iacobus]

I can't spell, everyone knows that. It is because Chuck Norris never spells words wrong, when he does the OED changes out of fear of being roundhouse kicked to the face.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for wimps!" at the Acrtic researchers.

Peanuts are allergic to Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made the rounds at a local childrens hospital.

[CatholicCid]

Vin Diesel punished Helen Keller with blindness and deafness because she had silently judged him. He felt somewhat guilty later, and gave her the ability to compose great aphorisms that encourage people all over the world. Vin Diesel is Anne Sullivan.

Fidel Castro has actually been dead for years. Vin Diesel has been impersonating him to ensure the survival of Communism.

When no one was looking, Vin Diesel sped up the Earth's rotation so it would be exactly twenty-four hours.

For Halloween, Vin Diesel cuts down a tree, scoops out the inside, fills it with candy, and then stabs anyone who rings his doorbell. He then eats the candy-filled tree.

Light cannot escape black holes; but Vin Diesel can.

[littleflower+JMJ]

HEY no one and i mean NO ONE can do a roundhouse kick in WRANGLER jeans like Chuck Norris can.........


so whos' got the big bat now boys?

rotfl

[phatcatholic]

my bros and i call clueless or idiotic people "chucks". like, "omg, what a freakin chuck." eventually, that grew to giving a person the name of a famous chuck whenever they are acting clueless or idiotic. so, if i see someone say or do something stupid, i'll be like, "freakin Chuck Norris over here." Chuck Daily is also a personal favorite.

[franciscanheart]

i LIKE chuck norris.

[cmotherofpirl]

My daughter took karate from Chucks Tung Soo Do teacher.

[1337 k4th0l1x0r]

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried.

[1337 k4th0l1x0r]

I've got a whole list someone posted on my facebook account.

Here are some facts you may not know about Chuck Norris...............

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris
did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he
grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling,
"Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires
no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back.
He
always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying
"booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is
injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said,
"Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back
five
minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up
a
few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.
When
his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to
the
face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his"
way.

[phatcatholic]

i have no doubt that all 15 of your points are true.

ALL HAIL CHUCK NORRIS!!!!!!