I hate the holidays.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 22 2005, 02:28 PM']but I would give everything I own just to have him for one more day.
I wish I could do stuff like that at home...  i mean, obviously I can drink tea and shower but I'm with my mom+grandma and I can't be depressed here.  Depression is a sign of personal weakness.  I have to be strong.  It's OK for other people to have feelings, but I can't have feelings because when I have feelings, they are a sign of disease and they are always pathological.  They don't even know how much he meant to me...  to them, he was just some friend from high school that I kept in touch with.
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[color=blue]Dearie, depression is NOT A SIGN OF PERSONAL WEAKNESS. It is a sign of being in pain. Surely your mom and grandmom had faced pain in their lifetime. Having feelings is normal, and are not signs of disease they are signs of being human.
Everyone has feelings. Hiding them just makes them much harder to deal with.
This guy was important to you and its ok for them to know it. You should and do not have to suffer in silence. [/color]

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='sweetpea316' date='Nov 22 2005, 03:57 PM']Wow... I just now read this thread... I'm so sorry for your loss hun.

I wish there is something I could do to help, and if there is, just let me know.

I sort of understand how you feel about this time of year, and I think I'll know even more next year. My grandfather and I had the same Birthday, and it was always a special thing for us. He passed away last month, so I can imagine that my birthdays to come will be very tough without him.

I'll be praying for you. God bless 
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thanks!! I need all the prayers i can get right now.. anniversaries are hard. Pete's family is jewish (orthodox) and they have a lot of interesting customs related to grieving. They are doing some kind of ceremony at his grave, and they light the yahrzeit candle and say the kiddush prayer... i am going to their house to participate on the actual anniversary.

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' date='Nov 22 2005, 04:30 PM'][color=blue]Dearie, depression is NOT A SIGN OF PERSONAL WEAKNESS. It is a sign of being in pain. Surely your mom and grandmom had faced pain in their lifetime. Having feelings is normal, and are not signs of disease they are signs of being human.
Everyone has feelings. Hiding them just makes them much harder to deal with.
This guy was important to you and its ok for them to know it. You should and do not have to suffer in silence. [/color]
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my family thinks that therapy and medicine are all anyone needs to be emotionally healthy. that's the way i was raised. but no amount of therapy or medicine can bring Peter back. I wish it could...

I really wish i could tell them how I felt, but I think I already know what they would say.

[jezic]

if you think you missed out on something tell him about it now.

Death is just a change, not an end, but a step through a doorway that we here cannot see beyond.

[Ash Wednesday]

photosynthesis, it's been about 2 years since my mom passed away and I still feel pain, and sometimes I still feel very angry, and sometimes I feel like I was robbed. Each year it does get a little easier, and I know that people often say "the first year is the hardest" but really I think the first couple of years are especially hard, if you ask me. Late October and early November are hard times of the year for me because that is when I lost both my grandmother and my mother.

As most of you know I'm living abroad this year and won't be around any family for Thanksgiving. I feel vaguely depressed about it. So you're not alone. This week I've been thinking that three years ago my mom was alive, imagining what she would be doing now -- making rolls and pies the day before Thanksgiving, having this all planned out.

The Americans in my class are having a get-together. I'm going to cook stuffed cornish game hens and some others are going to bring salad, dessert, wine. Well, it will be all Americans but possibly my friends English husband -- and we're going to be at the apartment of an Icelandic girl. I guess when I think about it, there are people with families that are so dysfunctional or they live so far away that they often have to "make do" with friends or their church. So I guess even though I don't have my family with me this year, I do know they are there and God has blessed me with them, and blessed me with friends here in London to be with in the meantime. So I guess that is my way of trying to make the best of it.

It sounds to me like you still need time to grieve and that is perfectly fine. As cmom said, depression isn't a sign of weakness. It is true that therapy and medication can't solve problems or take loved ones back, but if we choose to use them, it can help us deal with them a little better -- at least in my case -- I did see a counselor after she died. I can relate to wanting to press fast forward to the end -- I know for a while I asked God that if it was his will, to take me as well. But I guess I've got stuff to do first: the rest of life on earth.

I guess in the end, there is a plan in all this that God is overseeing, even when we lose loved ones when it seems like it wasn't their time to go. I know that talk of God having a plan can sound pretty repetitive and cliché -- but I guess I find it more comforting to try to understand life as not being a series of random, pointless events.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='jezic' date='Nov 22 2005, 10:18 PM']if you think you missed out on something tell him about it now.

Death is just a change, not an end, but a step through a doorway that we here cannot see beyond.
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I like that idea!

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='Ash Wednesday' date='Nov 22 2005, 10:23 PM']I guess in the end, there is a plan in all this that God is overseeing, even when we lose loved ones when it seems like it wasn't their time to go. I know that talk of God having a plan can sound pretty repetitive and cliché -- but I guess I find it more comforting to try to understand life as not being a series of random, pointless events.
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yeah... life definitely isn't just random and pointless events. I know this is all part of God's plan and i'm just having trouble accepting that I can't have him back. It hurts so much though... I know this isn't true, but sometimes I wonder if God just wants me to be miserable and He doesn't care one way or the other, because that's how it seems a lot of the time. After he died, I couldn't stand it at home (since i don't have feelings when i'm at home and i always have to be happy all the time) so I just spent the entire day in the adoration chapel crying. It was like a 9-5 job. I was so MAD at God. Now I'm not mad like that anymore... I don't blame Him for taking Peter... sometimes I blame myself because I worry if it was my fault. I don't think I'd have survived this if it weren't for adoration. Church is the only place where I actually feel things, which is why i am notorious for weeping all of the time... i think everyone in the parish thinks i'm some kind of freak.

it's awesome that you've been able to find a group of friends to celebrate Thanksgiving with. It sounds like a lot of fun! I love cooking dinners with friends. I think I could have spent thanksgiving in New Mexico with my dad's side of the family... They're even more repressed than my mom's side, though. They just bottle everything up and get hideously drunk... which doesn't sound so bad right now, but I KNOW it is. I am really worried about turning into an alcoholic.

[photosynthesis]

I think today, I can say "God is good."

[Dave]

[quote name='photosynthesis' date='Nov 23 2005, 12:22 PM']I think today, I can say "God is good."
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Does that mean you're feeling better?

I just want to add to what has been already said ... as Cmom said, there's no timetable for grieving regardless of what others may think. You have to grieve for however long you have to grieve, and however you choose to deal with it is perfectly fine (just so long as it's not destructive or immoral).

People also speak of getting over it. But when it comes to losing someone you love, whether through death, falling-out, moving away, etc., you NEVER get over it. Rather, you just eventually, somehow or other, reach a point where you learn to live with it.

[susanbailey]

I just read through this thread too and I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my dad two years ago on Dec. 18 after a horrific 3 month struggle with brain cancer.

I'm glad that you give yourself permission to weep in front of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. It's important that we give ourselves permission to feel what we are feeling. I think the only people who could comprehend your loss is people who have lost their spouse. I know I can't begin to understand the loss my mother feels after 50+ years with this wonderful man who was my dad. Losing a parent is very difficult, but somehow, I think losing your true love would be so much harder.

I'd like to share something hopeful with you. I often have these little "visits" from my dad, most especially when I am in prayer with the Blessed Mother. I am a singer and once I was recording a version of Shubert's Ave Maria - I didn't sing it in the typical classical fashion, but rather sang it low, prayerfully, but more like a pop song, if you can imagine that. :-) Anyway, when I got to the second verse and the part about "Nunc et in hora mortis" (in the hour of our death) and thought about praying for my dad with the Hail Mary just before he died, I had the most INTENSE visit from him at that moment - I saw in my mind him beside the Blessed Mother in heaven, and I felt him saying to me that he understood everything now and was truly happy. I felt this tremendous surge of peace, a bittersweet peace, that touch of peace that is so unique to the Blessed Mother. I will never forget that moment. It's those moments, those "visits" that keep me connected to him and put me at peace.

I hope you too have, or will, experience these kinds of visits. Our loved ones never really leave us, they are always in our hearts and connect us to our Heavenly Father.

Bless you, Susan

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='susanbailey' date='Nov 23 2005, 12:15 PM']I hope you too have, or will, experience these kinds of visits. Our loved ones never really leave us, they are always in our hearts and connect us to our Heavenly Father.
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I don't know if I've gotten these kinds of visits you speak about... they sound pretty cool! I rarely ever get visions or things of that nature. Sometimes I see him in my dreams... but that can be good or bad. Sometimes I dream that he is in Heaven and he's not sick anymore... sometimes I have dreams where he is still suffering in Heaven, sometimes have dreams where I die and go to heaven, and he doesn't recognize me. I get a lot of bad dreams!

sometimes I ask Peter to pray for me, and I think he does. I don't know if you're allowed to do that. He was very holy and died peacefully in the arms of Our Lady...but I know the Church teaches that you can never really be sure if a person is in heaven or not...

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='Dave' date='Nov 23 2005, 11:40 AM']Does that mean you're feeling better?
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I think it means God doesn't hate me.

I know it's ridiculous, but a lot of times the only way I can make sense out of this is "God took him away from me, God wants me to be miserable, God hates me."

Then I usually go to confession (like I did yesterday) and say something like "I think I am in a state of mortal sin but I'm not sure what I did" and the priest tells me that I'm scrupulous and need counseling.

I know God is a good, loving, merciful God... but sometimes it seems like He is sadistic and he likes to see me like this.

[susanbailey]

When my dad died I asked for a sign from Mary that he made it to at least purgatory (because he was a very lapsed Catholic, although a good man and he didn't make any move towards coming back until a week before he died - too long a story to post here) and I got one. My husband has a devotion to Our Lady of Perpetual Help and there is a specific icon of her. I have taken on that devotion myself. He attends this Eastern Rite Catholic Church (aka Melkite - they're under the pope) called Our Lady of Perpetual Help and it has the most gorgeous full length icon.

Anyway, the day we went over to the church where the funeral was to be held, I saw a portrait of this icon at a most unlikely place - as we were going down to the lower level of the church, there is was as plain as day on the wall of the staircase! That made me take pause. Then, the morning of the funeral, I saw her again, in the basement, on the cover of the local Catholic newspaper, taking up the whole page! Right then and there I knew I gotten my sign. :-)

Tradition has it that more souls make it out of purgatory during the Christmas season than at any time during the year. I don't know about that, but I do know that I feel a strong sense that he is in heaven with Jesus and Mary. Maybe I'm deluding myself on that regard, who knows? I'm a very practical person and not one who sees lots of visions and miracles. Even the "visit" that I described to you was not what I would call a vision, just a picture in my mind, and a strong sense of peace.

All I know is that it gives me peace.

Peter loved Jesus and Mary. He was praying the rosary when he died. Be assured that he is either with them now, or will be with them soon once his purification in purgatory is complete. But even if he is in purgatory, it is with the hope and assurance that he will be with them. And he will know you when he sees you again. I really believe that.

Susan

[philothea]

(Checking brain... nope, still can't think of anything remotely useful to say. Stupid brain.)



I'll be thinking about you as I sit around with annoying, superficial faux/lapsed Catholics and eat food I don't want. I'd rather hang with you and acknowledge the truth, even if the truth is sad right now.

Prayers that St. Michael whaps your relatives with a big clue stick, and maybe they have some consideration for a change.

[Ash Wednesday]

Photo, your priest might be correct about scrupulosity. Mortal sin is willfully done and deliberate. You might want to get treatment like grief counseling or for depression -- when I had depression unchecked I thought I was going to hell -- but I couldn't really pin it down as to what specificially I had done. We all know the devil is the prince of lies, and depression also says some really dirty lies to our minds as well -- that there is an punitive God that wants us to suffer, that we deserve every bit suffering we get, that it's ALL your fault.

I don't think God likes to see us suffer. We are so united with Jesus that we actually suffer with him. I think God brings gifted people in this world around us to help us along the way when we do suffer. People to help ease the weight of our cross some.

If it turns out you have depression and your relatives give you flack for seeking help, that's their problem. You have the right to do what you need to do to SURVIVE. Don't let anyone convince you that you have to go through this alone.

[susanbailey]

I went into a depression after my dad died. I am prone to depression anyway so I know the signs well. I first went to my parish priest who suggested a counselor in our area. He was wonderful and helped me sort out my thoughts. I also approached my family doctor and he prescribed an anti-depressant for me to take the edge off. I don't normally promote these kinds of drugs as they are sooo tricky (my mom had a terrible reaction to them) but they can help.

As hard as it might be, it's important to try to be proactive. Seeking out counseling is being proactive. I remember talking to my parish priest about how I felt an urge to make a really big change in my life (in this case moving from our condominium of 16 years to our first real house - a big step since I didn't think we could pull it off financially) and he said that was a common reaction to death. Sometimes something so monumental gives us that needed push to make changes in our lives.

I knew too that buying a house would have so pleased my dad. Making that kind of proactive move brought such joy into my life and the lives of my family members. It gave them something fun and uplifting to talk about. I felt so grateful to God for making this miracle happen. I knew too that my dad was interceding for us.

Being proactive means stepping out of the boat, so to speak. Scary! But it breathes new life into us. Perhaps there was something Peter wanted you to accomplish. It's perfectly okay to ask for his intercession. Ask him to suggest something proactive you can do to move into a better area of your life.

You won't be leaving him behind either if you move on. You will be bringing him with you to new and happier times.

Susan