Help! Need advice

[jasJis]

[quote name='annie' date='Oct 29 2005, 10:15 PM']Jasjis-

I did appear to stop the conversation in my postbut that was because I could not type all of that! My focus was not necessarily pregnancy--she is quite aware from other convos about that.  It is the stuff between holding hands and intercourse (y'know, the stuff Bill Clinton thinks is NOT sex) that I focused on--and tried to emphasize it is morally wrong, but most importantly WHY.  I asked her how she would feel if I were having an affair (her dad and I are happily married 18 yrs) and hey, even if it wasn't intercourse, how would she feel if I, say, made out with another man, or ahem, all that stuff in between, if you catch my drift, and it made her think-- shocked her so to speak, and she finally said, "ok I know what you are getting at"
couple that with the well-written 'pure love' pamphlet as back up

I do see what you mean- I would never just hand her a pamphlet, that is so cheesy and phony---but I pre-determined she would go on 'full tilt' with the discussion, and had the pamphlet as a backup to further supplement.
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[/quote]Oh. I get you. I like that approach. Next time a convo comes up with my daughters, I'm going to ask how they would feel when they are ready to make a life committment, how it would be sharing past sexual history (theirs and their partners) and living with that, then knowing their history and them having to deal with teens.
Thanks for the tip. I tell my kids all the time that parents trade tips and hints. They NEVER say 'all the other parents allow that' because they know we can come up w/ 3 other parents that don't.

[Era Might]

Not sure what you should do. Even if you do try to keep an eye on her, she'll find a way to do what she wants to do. My mother was always on the lookout for evidence that me or my brother were puffing the magic dragon. She could smell it on someone a mile away. But, we found ways to get around her.

Kids can be clever. I knew someone growing up who was a few years older than me (we played little league together), and his mother was OBSESSIVE. Like he couldn't even walk around the block without her permission. Fascism isn't a good trait for a parent. I guess it's a tightrope act trying to be a good parent while accepting the role of free will in life. Trying to provide a good moral witness is probably the best gift you can give; it's something they will be able to fall back on when they look themselves in the mirror. It beats trying to put a collar around their neck, which they can easily shed when they turn 18.

Edited October 30, 2005 by Era Might

[cmotherofpirl]

I do not generally snoop in my childrens rooms. If I am in their room collecting laundry or dropping off clean clothes and they leave stuff out I glance over it. Privacy is not a real issue here, because everybody is in and out of everyone else's room all day and night long, and nobody here can keep a secret for more than 5 minutes anyway.
However, IF I thought my kids were engaging in any seriously harmful activity, I would have absolutely no qualms going thru anything in their possession. My responsibilty for their health and safety overrides any percieved notions of privacy in my household. I am very upfront about this, and if I think there is something I should know I consult the other kids first and then I have a discussion with the kid in question.
Their rights are secondary to my responsibilites as the parent.

Edited October 30, 2005 by cmotherofpirl

[thessalonian]

[quote name='thessalonian' date='Oct 29 2005, 12:34 PM']You really need to have your teenagers watch videos by Pam Stenzel.  She lays out the facts about the dangers of pre-marital sex.  I know it has opened our two teenage boys eyes.  The one was talking to every girl he could for a while.  Now he is less focused on that and more on what he wants to do with his life.  What she has to say should help your daughters situation as well.  She hits pretty hard about boys who want pre-marital sex from girls.

[url="http://www.pamstenzel.com/"]http://www.pamstenzel.com/[/url]
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Annie,

Just wanted to make sure you saw this. I highly recommend her videos. She tells it straght. It seems a bit frank but kids need to hear what they are up against if they don't control their passions.

[Maria]

The situation is rather different with my family -- there are ten children, 3 in each room, and so no one expects much privacy (except that I really don't want people reading what I'm writing, esp. when I'm not finished and not looking for advice, because critical advice will always be offered in plenty, and I'd often rather work it out myself). Perhaps also because of the large family situation, my mom isn't prying at all. And she trusts us enormously (but if we're out late, she'll worry if she doesn't know where we are). On the other hand, I don't think there's that much of a communication problem either. In a real sense we're more partners in trying to make the house work than suspicious authority figure vs. rebelious off-spring. Not buddies, but partners. And communication is a biggy in our family anyway, and doesn't exactly need to be encouraged. I don't talk to my mom about everything, but she trust us anyway. [/unstructured paragraph]

[annie]

I was gathering old sheets, I do not make their beds!

Thank you all for the input. We see the therapist on Wed, but that is for the second dtr. Hope to start family therapy soon after initial appt.

Realize the snooping is wrong, have vowed to stop. Wholeheartedly. Realize I had a traumatic childhood, learned not to trust. For some reason trust hubby completely, find it hard to trust kids as they have lied before. Fear their serious mistakes, get over zealous about the monitoring, and that has to stop.

You all have been so helpful! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I will keep you posted as to our progress..

[Cow of Shame]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' date='Oct 30 2005, 09:21 AM']Their rights are secondary to my responsibilites as the parent.
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sounds good here

[Theoketos]

[quote name='Cow of Shame' date='Oct 30 2005, 11:32 PM']sounds good here
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This from some one who carries around a hamster named boo.

[Cow of Shame]

...with a bowler. Boo is quite proud.

[Norseman82]

[quote name='cmotherofpirl' date='Oct 30 2005, 09:21 AM']Their rights are secondary to my responsibilites as the parent.
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I'd like to second what cmom says. And Annie, I'd like to give you some backup. Maybe I was raised in a different environment than many here, but when I was growing up, [i]the inmates did not rule the asylum[/i], so to speak. YOU are the parent, and even if you were snooping, in this case, so what? Your daughter has a history of bulimia and a cutting, so that in itself gives you the right and the duty to, how shall I say, "maintain extra vigilance". Don't let any la-la therapist try to make you feel guilty about that.

BTW, I notice that you are in the Chicago suburbs; I'm on the NW side myself, right on the Elmwood Park border.

Also, try calling Dr. Ray Guarendi on "The Doctor is in" on Relevant Radio (AM 820 in Chicago).

[annie]

I am in Wheaton.

I have, actually, called Dr Ray in the past. It is difficult,as he must speak in generalities.
Thankyou, Norseman82 for seeing a bit of my side of it. Yes, I did have a history with her, and it was 'higher risk' behavior than simple 'who likes whom' and curfew violations.

Whoever previously posted that sometimes notes are more dramatic and graphic than real life---THAT is info a mom needs to know! I don't want to bury my head in the sand, but perhaps the lingo I have seen in the past is mere literary license--not all of it, but some of it.

I pray to St Monica every day, and wear her medal. Of course Mary too.

We had a la-la therapist with my first daughter. Kinda wierd, with a feminist bend. Things settled, but we never had family counseling. Big mistake, as I now see that might be the root of it all.

You all have been such a blessing to me. It is so very great there are teenagers on here giving their insights too.

Can I ask you to pray specifically for my daughters, Amy and Liz? Thanks.

[Maria]

Sure.
I don't think it's healthy to snoop and pry, but I don't think a situation where it (or a lot of 'it') would be considered snooping is healthy either. But, whether you 'snoop' or not, it's very important that the children know they are respected.
But, for instance, a basic sort of looking through things isn't necessarily wrong, but trying to, detective-like and without their consent, find hidden information about their life, is, I think. Preferably, the relationship should be based on mutual trust and respect.

[Jaime]

Good luck with the Family systems therapy Annie. There is a wonderful book called "the Family Crucible" that gives a wonderful explaination about Family Systems Therapy.

The family that decides "We're in this together" and have Christ as a foundation cannot be torn down. I will add your family to my prayers.

If you have any questions about family therapy while you start up with the therapist, feel free to PM me. This was my focus in grad school.

[Lil Red]

jason evert, who wrote "pure love" is wonderful! we just saw him speak at NCYC and he is amazing! great idea to give her that pamphlet book!!

annie, you have my prayers.