Help! Need advice

[Jaime]

Please please please understand Annie

It reads harsher than it is simply because of the method of communication.


Family systems therapy does one thing well. It strengthens the family. Family systems therapy is about saying "We will deal with the problem as a family"

I have no idea how your family works. But the family unit is one of the strongest weapons in the universe.

Please feel free to email me for a more cogent explanation.

[annie]

Thank you so much. And your advice about asking the therapist questions is so true! We are the consumer!

Thanks for your offer of email advice---I sure appreciate it. We have an appt on Wednesday to start. Please pray for us!

[franciscanheart]

annie i just pmed you. sorry its kinda long.

[jasJis]

[quote name='annie' date='Oct 29 2005, 06:21 PM']You all have been so very helpful.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The comments about snooping, though painful for me to hear, are true.  That has been an issue since her middle school years.  It appears I am parenting out of fear instead of love.  It must stop, and no, it is not about life and death--although years before it was.  She went through a bulemia episode, and was cutting.  I freaked and snooped, and although in the past several years I have done it less and less, it still happens.  I am 'once bitten twice shy' I guess.  But it must stop, if not for any other reason than my own sanity!  Some things are better left alone!

Well, I did talk to her.
She came home from work, we were alone watching the OSU game (awesome game today--Go Bucks!) and I said I had some things I wanted to talk about.  She was anxious and wanted me to fess up what I was going to say.
I broke the ice with "There is a blood drive at your school and now that you are 16 you can donate.  Do you want to do that?"  She seemed relieved that THAT was what I wanted to talk about, and said "Geeze, I thought you were going to ask if I was pregnant or something awful!"
I said, "Well, it is along those lines" and then proceded to tell her that all the attention of all these boys, buying her jewelery, calling, asking her out etc was creating a huge amount of pressure, and I asked her if she was *** acitve (I cannot type it--we have cybersitter and it won't let me) Anyway, she reacted like I was nuts, and then agreed that if we stopped this discussion she would read 'Pure Love" cover to cover, which is an excellent resource.  I told her I would ask her in a couple of days if she had read it (it is short and to the point).  Anyhow, I reminded her it was not just about pregnancy or STDs, that it is about her future spouse, children and relationships, AND about these boys' futures too. 
We went to the gym together, worked out, played raquetball and she just left for a group of friends going to the movies. 
Thank you all for prayers for this.

It is no picnic being a parent!
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[/quote]It IS a picnic! (Complete with ants, wasps, and stale buns...)

You did good. I kinda don't like the idea about stopping the convo, but I wasn't there, so it may have been the best, especially considering she read 'Pure Love'.

From my perspective, getting 'books' to read seems kinda fake, or pre-packaged. Talk honestly with her and ask her opinion. If she became pregnant, how does she think you would react? How would it affect her life? What about the baby? What kind of parents would that baby have? If you kept the baby, what does she think she would like the extended family and her family's dynamics be 7 years from now? Would everyone get along? Would her child feel funny if his/her parents weren't married? Does it seem likely to happen? What can she do or not do now to have the outcome she wants? Try to refrain from giving advice, the whole idea is for your daughter to consider the consequences of her actions, her wants and needs, and how she can be successful at managing her own life. If she expects her parents (you) to act a certain way, then you can tell her if you will or won't, based on your choices and values. Give you a hint. A good family therapist will follow those guidelines too.

[Socrates]

[quote name='annie' date='Oct 29 2005, 08:20 PM']Wow, that sounds like it is complicated. [right][snapback]773715[/snapback][/right]
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Psychologists love to use that over-complicated, long-winded, psycho-jargon! It's part of the job description.

[annie]

Jasjis-

I did appear to stop the conversation in my postbut that was because I could not type all of that! My focus was not necessarily pregnancy--she is quite aware from other convos about that. It is the stuff between holding hands and intercourse (y'know, the stuff Bill Clinton thinks is NOT sex) that I focused on--and tried to emphasize it is morally wrong, but most importantly WHY. I asked her how she would feel if I were having an affair (her dad and I are happily married 18 yrs) and hey, even if it wasn't intercourse, how would she feel if I, say, made out with another man, or ahem, all that stuff in between, if you catch my drift, and it made her think-- shocked her so to speak, and she finally said, "ok I know what you are getting at"
couple that with the well-written 'pure love' pamphlet as back up

I do see what you mean- I would never just hand her a pamphlet, that is so cheesy and phony---but I pre-determined she would go on 'full tilt' with the discussion, and had the pamphlet as a backup to further supplement.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='annie' date='Oct 29 2005, 11:15 PM']I asked her how she would feel if I were having an affair (her dad and I are happily married 18 yrs) and hey, even if it wasn't intercourse, how would she feel if I, say, made out with another man, or ahem, all that stuff in between, if you catch my drift, and it made her think-- shocked her so to speak, and she finally said, "ok I know what you are getting at"
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That's an interesting approach... as someone with divorced parents, i am utterly repulsed by the idea of my parents having relations with people who aren't my biological parents. it GROSSES me OUT.... i read somewhere that people have a natural aversion to the idea of their parents having relations with other people... probably because we were made to mate for life!

[toledo_jesus]

don't feel bad about snooping. as a parent, you are entitled to it. I wish my mom and dad had paid more attention to what I was up to...

[jiyoung]

That is an absolutely brilliant way to put it.

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='toledo_jesus' date='Oct 30 2005, 12:28 AM']don't feel bad about snooping.  as a parent, you are entitled to it.  I wish my mom and dad had paid more attention to what I was up to...
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I think it's wrong for a parent to snoop through her adolescent daughter's things without sufficient reason (i.e. life-death situations). Snooping is a sign that the parent doesn't trust her own child, and this often results in the child being suspicious of the parents' motives. Now, often the case is that the child cannot be trusted (i.e. if she is exhibiting signs of being suicidal, cutting herself, purging, etc). Unless it is a situation where snooping could potentially save the child's life, I don't think it is constructive.

Snooping often shows a fear of confrontation on the parents behalf. It's easier to snoop through a child's schoolbooks looking at his/her grades than to have a real conversation with the child about school. It's easier to snoop through a 16-year old girls' diary and read all about her personal life than to have a heart-to-heart talk. It is my belief that snooping and fruitful family relationships do not exist at the same time.

[jiyoung]

I would really rather my parents be open about it than snoop. I never had to deal with snooping though because morally I was an ideal child (hehe) as far as they knew. However, I know that my parents' first reaction to any sort of bad behavior (tattoos, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc) would be to kick me out and disown me (dad) or to either ground me indefinitely or to have a tearful discussion with me (mom). I prefer the discussions because she tries to find out what's behind my behavior--Korean culture dictates that the successes and failures of a child are all dependent on their upbringing by their parents. If I do something wrong, then she must've done something wrong. But she never snoops through my things; she only ever looks in my room if she needs something. She refuses to clean my room because it's so dirty...heh. I think I would stop trusting her though if she started snooping--but my relationship with my mom has stayed strong because I can talk to her.

I think it might be a good idea to make amends with your daughter directly about the snooping--if she knows how badly you feel about it and how you're trying to make an effort to stop, and how if she opened up to you, you would have no reason to snoop, she'll probably be more open to you. It's probably because that way, you're also being open to her, so she'll be more open to you.

[Donna]

Annie, re: the therapy...ya know, it could also be that the family is stressed! I mean, why the certain dynamic happens, or came to be. The good thing about it is the communication which individuals may increase in.

Younger ppl, indiscriminate snooping of course can injure.

But some children (those who have hidden cutting and other things come to mind) can sometimes NEVER be pinned down for an honest answer as to how they're doing in school, etc;

Sometimes the child is slippery-er than an eel; and the parents work hard tracking down teachers and prinicipals and friends and parents of friends...with no other motive than to try to find out the very basics of Jr's life (like is Jr keeping up on schoolwork); sometimes the parents want nothing more than to not have to go to ridiculous lengths for very simple information.

Parents can actually love the child and not be much dysfunctional.

Edited October 30, 2005 by Donna

[DancesforLove]

Well you shouldn't have to snoop to find out what your daughter is doing. And you shouldn't have snooped, you need to work with her and try to parent her in a way so that she can make a good decision without you having to make it for her. You can't force her to do it, and you shouldn't have to. You just need to work on your relationship with her and her morals to correct the situation.

[Jaime]

[quote name='Socrates' date='Oct 29 2005, 10:02 PM']Psychologists love to use that over-complicated, long-winded, psycho-jargon!  It's part of the job description. 
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Helpful retort Soc

If the mind was an easy thing to understand, it would be easy to explain how it works.

[ofpheritup]

It is tough being a parent. IT IS TOUGH BEING THE PARENT OF A TEENAGER. They seem "to want all the perks of life with none of the responsibilty." Sheesh.

I don't know what to advise, you know what would be better received by your daughter than we do. So for that I am praying for you.

What really threw me off was the fact that your daughter is 16 and you are making her bed. Why? I don't see it. My mother never made my bed.