Help! Need advice

[annie]

I was making beds and found a note in my 16 yr old dtrs room. Yes, I was snooping---it didn't just fall out to be seen.

It has revealed some information leading me to believe she is ***ually active.

We have always stressed the importance of ***ual purity.

She already has trust issues with us, thinks we micromanage her.

I do have a wonderful copy of "Pure Love" and would like her to read it (although she got this in 8th grade, she obviously doesn't abide by it)

What should I do? If it only had been revealed to me WITHOUT the snooping, it would be clear as a bell that I should confront her.

I am worried that the breech of trust (snooping and finding it) will cause her to pull further away.

[qfnol31]

How well can you question her about sex without mentioning the note? If you can somehow get her to ask if you "read a note" then that might work.

I'm not sure, but in the case of my brother, when there is a concern, I myself will usually confront him up front. That is how it normally goes, siblings stand a better chance at finding things out. But even then I'm not quite sure...

[Fides_et_Ratio]

I read my cousin's Xanga site because then I know more about her than what she tells her mom (or me)... it's probably technically snooping since I never tell her I read it.

Anyway, every so often she and I go "out for lunch" and just hang out, go shopping, and then I take her to Confession and Mass (something we started since I was her Confirmation sponsor a couple years ago). But I use what I know from her Xanga site and just casually question her about it. If I'm not judgmental about it (like, "OH my gosh! what the heck do you think you're doing?!") she's more open and honest with me. She does some things I don't agree with, and she knows that I don't agree, and that all my suggestions to help her out aren't always what she wants to hear, but she will still come to me because I'm not condemning and judgmental...

For example, she has a lot of guy friends and has had a few serious boyfriends (no sex yet though), and I always try and make sure that I question her a lot about her boyfriends, and remind her that she's only 16 and still has a ways to go before she wants to be married, and that acting like a married couple brings a lot of responsibility with it--if she chooses to have sex, than she will also have to accept responsibilty for becoming a mother when that happens (I always use the many examples of girls from her school who have "been safe" and still gotten pregnant). We talk about purity a lot too, but judging from her Xanga site, I don't think she listens much to me on that point.

I'm not sure if any of that was helpful... but perhaps you could just take your daughter out to lunch and ask her about her boyfriend... lots of "girl talk" stuff. I always tell my cousin that "I'm glad you're having fun in high school... I just still want you to be a high-schooler--worry about school, not about getting pregnant without a husband"

[photosynthesis]

first of all, sex isn't a dirty word. If Pope John Paul the Great could talk about it with a straight face, so can we.

my mom used to go through my stuff when I was in middle school and high school. I know she was concerned about me (and sometimes rightly so), but I STILL don't trust her, and I'm 22 now. It didn't help the situation, it just made me a lot more covert about what I was doing, and made me afraid of her. You'd think I was a CIA agent the way I was obsessed with securing my private things. I stopped keeping a diary and writing down my thoughts because I was afraid my mom would find them. i still don't trust her with anything.

As tempting as it may be, I would avoid going through her stuff unless it is a life and death situation. When my mom started snooping, it just made me start going through her stuff. there's this unwritten contract between us that she snoops through my stuff and i snoop through hers. Why should I respect her privacy if she isn't respecting mine?

(also, if she is technologically adept, she can probably find this post in your internet history folder on your computer and read this thread)

That being said, you should confront her about the sexual activity. I would not say anything about the note... I would approach the subject in a general sort of way. Make it clear that you do not approve of premarital sex.

also, it is recommended that girls who are sexually active get a pap smear.

oy vay... i probably sound like some crazy paranoid now...

[thessalonian]

You really need to have your teenagers watch videos by Pam Stenzel. She lays out the facts about the dangers of pre-marital sex. I know it has opened our two teenage boys eyes. The one was talking to every girl he could for a while. Now he is less focused on that and more on what he wants to do with his life. What she has to say should help your daughters situation as well. She hits pretty hard about boys who want pre-marital sex from girls.

[url="http://www.pamstenzel.com/"]http://www.pamstenzel.com/[/url]

[Thy Geekdom Come]

When I was a dumb teenager (I'm still dumb, just not a teenager : ), I wrote a lot of suggestive notes to my high school girlfriend. If someone had read them, they probably would have thought that I was sexually active. I never was.

I'm not sure what I would do in your case.

[philothea]

I've been thinking about a reply ever since I read the original post, but I think photosynthesis has stated it best.

Your daughter has to feel like she has privacy. That's a normal human need, and you don't want to get her paranoid.

But also, she needs to have some parental help in avoiding sex. Otherwise, she may screw up her life in a major way, and she's too young and foolish to realize that.

Good luck.

[annie]

You all have been so very helpful. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The comments about snooping, though painful for me to hear, are true. That has been an issue since her middle school years. It appears I am parenting out of fear instead of love. It must stop, and no, it is not about life and death--although years before it was. She went through a bulemia episode, and was cutting. I freaked and snooped, and although in the past several years I have done it less and less, it still happens. I am 'once bitten twice shy' I guess. But it must stop, if not for any other reason than my own sanity! Some things are better left alone!

Well, I did talk to her.
She came home from work, we were alone watching the OSU game (awesome game today--Go Bucks!) and I said I had some things I wanted to talk about. She was anxious and wanted me to fess up what I was going to say.
I broke the ice with "There is a blood drive at your school and now that you are 16 you can donate. Do you want to do that?" She seemed relieved that THAT was what I wanted to talk about, and said "Geeze, I thought you were going to ask if I was pregnant or something awful!"
I said, "Well, it is along those lines" and then proceded to tell her that all the attention of all these boys, buying her jewelery, calling, asking her out etc was creating a huge amount of pressure, and I asked her if she was *** acitve (I cannot type it--we have cybersitter and it won't let me) Anyway, she reacted like I was nuts, and then agreed that if we stopped this discussion she would read 'Pure Love" cover to cover, which is an excellent resource. I told her I would ask her in a couple of days if she had read it (it is short and to the point). Anyhow, I reminded her it was not just about pregnancy or STDs, that it is about her future spouse, children and relationships, AND about these boys' futures too.
We went to the gym together, worked out, played raquetball and she just left for a group of friends going to the movies.
Thank you all for prayers for this.

It is no picnic being a parent!

[photosynthesis]

have you seen those little pamphlets that say "a letter to my future husband" and " a letter to my future wife"? those could be good, too.. it gives good reasons to abstain until marriage without being preachy.

[annie]

good idea--would I be able to find those in a Catholic bookstore?

[photosynthesis]

[quote name='annie' date='Oct 29 2005, 08:17 PM']good idea--would I be able to find those in a Catholic bookstore?
[right][snapback]773675[/snapback][/right]
[/quote]
quite possibly.

[Jaime]

Annie

If your daughter had episodes with bullimia and cutting herself as well as possibly being sexually active, I think stronger measures might be helpful. From a family systems perspective, your daughter is showing symptoms that there might be some issues within the dynamics of the family. Sometimes a child will react to some static dynamics within a family structure.

I would strongly recommend finding a family therapist that practices family systems therapy. This would entail the entire family going to therapy together. The upside is your daughter would not be the focus and therefore not be as defensive about going. The downside is, you all have to go together.

I know this reads like "wow Annie your whole family is screwed up" but that is due to the brevity of the post. Family Systems Therapy is fairly nascent in the field of psychology but its extraordinarily helpful.


That and family rosary night.

[annie]

what is family systems therapy, and how would I find a therapist who does such a thing?

[Jaime]

Well its a bit tough to give a thumbnail version but here it goes.

Every family has a dynamic that is worked from. Each member has a role in that dynamic. If the dynamic is static, the roles never change and dysfunction is created.

Family systems therapy is focused on the dynamic of the whole family. The basic principle is that families that have static dynamic will create one member of the family to act out. Usually this will be one of the children. The problems created by the family member (called the "identified patient") are usually symptomatic of the static dynamic within the family.

What's a static dynamic? All (or at least most) families have a certain amount of dysfunction in them. There are rules to follow even in the dysfunction and everyone knows them, even if they are never spoken. Sometimes the rules are as basic as "If mom is mad at the child, dad will do something nice for the child to make it up." A more subtle rule might be "If my sister gets into trouble, I have to do something worse to get the attention off of her and protect her"

The more dysfunctional the system, the more the roles are played out. One person will be the rule maker, one will be the peacemaker, one will be the clown, one will be the perfectionist, etc. Each member of the family will assume one role and only one role. It is most prevalent in families where there is alcoholism but its not exclusively there. In a fluid dynamic, the roles are interchangeable.

How do you find a family systems therapist? Ask and interview. There are therapists that specialize in this. My personal gripe is that people do not ask enough questions of a potential therapist. So ask, ask, ask. If they don't want to explain, find another one.

Edited October 30, 2005 by jaime

[annie]

Wow, that sounds like it is complicated. The primary issues in our family are perhaps an authoritarian father, and a disabled youngest child. The girls have always lived with him receiving an inordinate amount of attention. They are all very close in age. I must tell you, it is heartbreaking to read your post--- it is very painful to think we were unaware of our family's affect on the girls.