Christie_M Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "There's nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can't prolong". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "The penguin on the TV set is about to explode" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicCid Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "What's your favorite color?" "Blue... No wait, YellOHHHHHHHHHHH" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamalove Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 I never wanted to do this in the first place. . . I wanted to be. . . A LUMBERJACK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "THIS.....IS AN EX-PARROT" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "I wish to report a burglary" "Could you say that a little higher" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 ":And Nigel runs himself over! What a twit!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 "Take this bus to Cuba!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old_Joe Posted September 1, 2005 Author Share Posted September 1, 2005 [quote name='thessalonian' date='Aug 31 2005, 05:03 PM']This cracks me up the most I think. MORTICIAN: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! CUSTOMER: Here's one -- nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: What? CUSTOMER: Nothing -- here's your nine pence. DEAD PERSON: I'm not dead! MORTICIAN: Here -- he says he's not dead! CUSTOMER: Yes, he is. DEAD PERSON: I'm not! MORTICIAN: He isn't. CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. DEAD PERSON: I'm getting better! CUSTOMER: No, you're not -- you'll be stone dead in a moment. MORTICIAN: Oh, I can't take him like that -- it's against regulations. DEAD PERSON: I don't want to go on the cart! CUSTOMER: Oh, don't be such a baby. MORTICIAN: I can't take him... DEAD PERSON: I feel fine! CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor... MORTICIAN: I can't. CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long. MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson's -- they've lost nine today. CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round? MORTICIAN: Thursday. DEAD PERSON: I think I'll go for a walk. CUSTOMER: You're not fooling anyone y'know. Look, isn't there something you can do? DEAD PERSON: I feel happy... I feel happy. [whop] CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much. MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday. CUSTOMER: Right. [right][snapback]706697[/snapback][/right] [/quote] I actually tried to act out this one at a renaissance fair. It didn't take, but it was worth the effort. "And now, the sound of John Denver being strangled...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old_Joe Posted September 1, 2005 Author Share Posted September 1, 2005 A man walks into an office. Man: Good morning, I'd like to have an argument, please. Receptionist: Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? Man: No, this is my first time. Receptionist: I see, well we'll see who's free at the moment. Mr. Bakely's free, but he's a little bit concilliatory. No. Try Mr. Barnhart, room 12. Man: Thank you. He enters room 12. Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT? Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that... Angry man: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED EVIL PAN OF DROPPINGS! Man: What? A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS STUFFY-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!! M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!! A: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse! M: Oh! Oh I see! A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door. M: Oh...Sorry... A: Not at all! A: (under his breath) stupid git. The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk. Man: Is this the right room for an argument? Other Man:(pause) I've told you once. Man: No you haven't! Other Man: Yes I have. M: When? O: Just now. M: No you didn't! O: Yes I did! M: You didn't! O: I did! M: You didn't! O: I'm telling you, I did! M: You didn't! O: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour? M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes. O: Just the five minutes. Thank you. O: Anyway, I did. M: You most certainly did not! O: Now let's get one thing perfectly clear: I most definitely told you! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh no you didn't! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: No you DIDN'T! O: Oh yes I did! M: Oh look, this isn't an argument! (pause) O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! (pause) M: It's just contradiction! O: No it isn't! M: It IS! O: It is NOT! M: You just contradicted me! O: No I didn't! M: You DID! O: No no no! M: You did just then! O: Nonsense! M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!! (pause) O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! (pause) M: I came here for a good argument! O: AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument! M: An argument isn't just contradiction. O: Well! it CAN be! M: No it can't! M: An argument is a connected series of statement intended to establish a proposition. O: No it isn't! M: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction. O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position! M: Yes but it isn't just saying "no it isn't". O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! O: Yes it is! M: No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says. O: It is NOT! M: It is! O: Not at all! M: It is! The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops. O: Thank you, that's it. M: (stunned) What? O: That's it. Good morning. M: But I was just getting interested! O: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up. M: That was never five minutes!! O: I'm afraid it was. M: (leading on) No it wasn't..... O: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more. M: WHAT?? O: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. M: But that was never five minutes just now! Oh Come on! Oh this is... This is ridiculous! O: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY! M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are. O: Thank you. M: (clears throat) Well... O: Well WHAT? M: That was never five minutes just now. O: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! M: Well I just paid! O: No you didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I DID!!! O: YOU didn't! M: I-dbct-fd-tq! I don't want to argue about it! O: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay! M: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha! O: No you haven't! M: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid. O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time. M: I've had enough of this! O: No you haven't. (door slam) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phatcatholic Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 OMG!! that is pure genious......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelly_freak Posted September 4, 2005 Share Posted September 4, 2005 But sir, it's only wafer thin. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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