The most funny Catholic jokes

[Catholictothecore]

:rotfl: :thatsfunny:

A man was painting the ceiling of a church up by the choir loft when a woman comes in. There is nobody else in the church, and since he parked around the back, he is sure she thinks she's alone. Now, since painting isn't whachu'd call an intellectual job, he decides to have some fun.

"This is Jesus!" he calls down to her. She doesn't look up.
"This is Jesus!" he calls out a little bit louder. Nothing.
He gets frustrated, and belts out "THIS IS JESUS!!"

The woman says in an equal voice. "Be Quiet, I'm talking to your mother!"

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Sister Marie (to her 3rd grade class): Can anyone tell me who was married to the Blessed Virgin?

Billy: I know, Thithter! I know! [i][b][u]VERGE!!![/u][/b][/i]

Sister Marie (taken back) Why, Billy, whatever made you think that?

Billy (embarresed) Oh, thithter, haven't you ever head of Blethed Verge and Mary?

[Norseman82]

Here are a few (some were originally protestant, but they have been "converted"):

A priest, a rabbi, and a radical feminist die and are at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter calls the priest forward and and says "In order to enter these gates, you need to pass a test. Spell 'bible'".

The priest responds "That's easy. B - I - B - L - E".

"Well done!" says St. Peter. "You may enter."

St. Peter now calls the rabbi forward and and says "In order to enter these gates, you need to pass a test. Spell 'bible'".

The rabbi responds "No problem. B - I - B - L - E".

"Correct", says St. Peter. "You too may enter."

St. Peter now calls the radical feminist forward and and says "In order to enter these gates, you need to pass a test. Spell.....".

Before St. Peter could finish his sentence, the radical feminist blows a gasket. "All my life I've had to prove myself as good as men and pass their tests...." and proceeded to launch into a tirade about the supposed injustices she had to face.

Finally, St. Peter had enough. "All right, all right, enough already! I give EVERYONE a test in order to get into heaven. Now will you just please spell 'Bosnia-Hercegovina'!

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A priest returning from a sick call in a rural diocese has car trouble. He goes into the local bar to use the phone and sees Joe, one of his parishoners who he hasn't seen at Mass for a month, drunk and depressed. "Joe, what's wrong?" asks the priest.

Joe then told a tale of job loss, bad investments, his house was in danger of foreclosure, and his wife was about to leave him. The priest responded, "Joe, you'll never solve your problems looking into a bottle. I want you to go home and open your bible, and I guarantee that on the page you open you will find the answer to all your problems.

Six months later after Mass the priest sees Joe and his wife. They are happy, well dressed, an driving a new Mercedes. The priest asks Joe, "Joe, six months ago you were at rock bottom, and now, look at you! How did you do it?"

Joe responds, "Well, Father, I did what you asked. I went home and opened my bible and right on that first page the answer was right there---Chapter 11!"
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(this one is courtesy of the Irish comedian Dave Allen, but made more tasteful):

Father Mike was at the doctor feeling burned out. "Doctor, I'm run down. I can't concentrate when in confession, I don't get joy any more from Mass, I'm just burned out."

The doctor said, "Father, you need a little bit of variety. Take a week off, get away somewhere far away, take the collar off and do something enjoyable."

Next week Father Mike riding a motorcycle in the next state and decided to go to the local Christian heavy metal concert. He was having fun listening to the loud music in the mosh pit wearing his t-shirt and jeans when all of a sudden he heard a woman shout over the noise "WHY, HELLO FATHER MIKE".

"LADY, YOU DON'T KNOW ME!"

"YES I DO!"

"NO YOU DON'T!"

"OF COURSE I DO! I'M SISTER BRIDGET. WE GO TO THE SAME DOCTOR!"

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(Based on a post on the Christian Sportbike discussion board):

The priest was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's the order of Mass," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the priest paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

[DonCamillo]

A Dominican is conversing with a Jesuit.

The dominican: "Is it true father, that Jesuits always answer a question with a question?"

The Jesuit: "Who told you so?"

[MichaelFilo]

This stuff is gold, thank you all.

God bless,
Mikey

[Guest nikki1022]

[quote name='GuardianoftheSacraments' date='Mar 3 2005, 01:02 AM'] Catholic Jokes
Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?"
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A man walked up to a Franciscan and Jesuit and asked, "How many novenas must you say to get a Mercedes Benz?"

The Franciscan asked, "What's a Mercedes Benz?"

The Jesuit asked, "What's a novena?"
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A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, O.P.


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Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"
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A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
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A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island. They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"
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A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
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Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the person who has no sin cast the first stone."

The crowd was shamed and one by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble towards the woman.

Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you do that, Mom."
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An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
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The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the Pope persists, "Please?" The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the Pope."

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over.

The cop walks up and asks the Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: Chief, I have a problem.

Chief: What sort of problem?

Cop: Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important.

Chief: Important like the mayor?

Cop: No, no, much more important than that.

Chief: Important like the governor?

Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.

Chief: Like the president?

Cop: More.

Chief: Who's more important than the president?

Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope driving for him!
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Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"

Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."

The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says "haven't got one; going to jump."

Desperate the cop yells up "Don't jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin"

Man replies "Who is that?"

Cop yells "Jump, Protestant! You're blocking traffic!"
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A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"
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A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.

Little Suzy declares, "I want to be a prostitute."

"What did you say?!" asks the nun, totally shocked.

"I said I want to be a prostitute," Suzy repeats.

"Oh, thank heavens," says the nun. "I thought you said 'a Protestant!'"
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a wee dog that he loved and doted on. After many long years of faithful companionship, the dog finally died, so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a Mass for him?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately, I can't say Mass for the poor creature..."

Muldoon said, "I understand, Father, I do. I guess I'll go to this new denomination down the road; no tellin' what they believe... Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me your wee dog was Catholic?!"
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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot:

"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Doberman Jesus."
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A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of prostitution.

They witnessed a Protestant minister lurking about, then duck into the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking. "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic priest, was seen lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaked in. "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap and crossing himself, "One of the poor girls musta died...."
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A priest and a bus driver both died and went to Heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where Pope St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll.

St. Peter turns to the priest and says "This will be yours for eternity. A perfect little cottage, right next to lovely pond, a lush little garden, and a library full of books."

The priest says, "Thank you so much. This I shall enjoy!" St. Peter drops off the priest, goes back to the pearly gates and motions to the bus driver.

They hop in a stretch limo and go out the front door. There are about 500 acres of land, with mountains and lakes and rivers. There is a huge 200-room castle on one of the mountains, and a wishing well that makes wishes come true. St. Peter says "This will be yours for eternity. You can live in that castle with servants to wait on you hand and foot, and you can have everything you want."

The bus driver looks and St. Peter and says "Well, now, don't think I'm not grateful, but why am I getting so much more than the priest?"

St. Peter just laughs and says "You brought more souls to Heaven! When the priest preached, everyone fell asleep. When you drove your bus, people prayed!"
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Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British. Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit. He became so notorious that the Pope himself summoned the priest to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope, "I want that there should be peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I - I - " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said, "And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues: "Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries, 'Is it I Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowww-ly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says, 'Blimey, Mate. Ya think it's me?"
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A Catholic boy and a Jewish boy were talking and the Catholic boy said, "My priest knows more than your rabbi." The Jewish boy said, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
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An elderly man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 90 years old and for the seventy years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then --wow!"

"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.

"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"

"Then why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"
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Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he's just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he's ever had.

After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis."

"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

Father turns to the other brother and says, "Then you must be...."

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk..."
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After the Baptism of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys."
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Not so very long ago, an old German man was feeling guilty about something he had done, so he decided to go to Confession.

He said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I feel terrible because during World War II I hid a refugee in my attic."

The priest said, "But that's not a sin! I wouldn't feel bad about that if I were you!"

"But I made him agree to pay me 50 Marks for every week he stayed."

The priest said, "Well, I admit that certainly wasn't the most noble thing to do, charging the man to save his life -- but you did save his life, after all, and that is a good thing. Don't worry about it too much; God forgives."

The man said, "Oh thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have only one more question to ask you -- Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
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Q. Why can't Anglicans play chess?

A. Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen.
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my Brother-in-law."
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Cardinal Ratzinger goes running into the Holy Father’s office and is quite beside himself. “Holy Father, Holy Father!”

“What is it my son?” the pope responds.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? “

“The good news”, responds the Holy Father.

The Cardinal says “OK. The good news is that the Lord Jesus has returned as He promised!”

“Alleluia, Alleluia. Praise be to God!”, the Holy Father responds “So what’s the bad news? “

Ratzinger responds “He in Salt Lake City.”
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A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”

The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”

The man replies “Fine.”

Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.

The man replies “Bed’s hard.”

The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”

The man says, “Yes”.

Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”

The abbot asks, “Is that it?”

And the man says “Yes.”

Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!”

And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!"
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The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow.
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There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" [/quote]
[quote] Two men considering a religious vocation were having a conversation. "What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders? " the one asked.

The second replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?"

"Met any Albigensians lately?" [/quote]

haha!! i go 2 a dominican school! go friars!!

[God Conquers]

[quote name='Brother Adam' date='Mar 3 2005, 04:14 PM'] I am offended.

________________
A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, O.P.
_________________

Someone has plagurized the original and factual work. Here is the correct version:

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, T.O.R. [/quote]
No way!

It's:

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
My sons,

Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,

Sincerely,
God, C.C.

[God Conquers]

One day St. Peter decides he needs a break from the gates of heaven, so he asks St. Andrew to fill in for him while on vacation in heaven.

"Alright Andrew," says Peter, "This is all you have to do: when someone approaches the gates hold up this crucifix in your right hand and this bag of gold in your left. If the person goes for the crucifix, open the gates and let them in. If the person goes for the gold, then pull this lever and send'em to hell."

"No problem!" Replies Andrew

Several days pass without disturbance when suddenly peter sees St. Andrew running towards him from the gates.

"Peter Peter! I have a dilemma, I don't know what to do!" cries Andrew, "What do I do when someone goes for BOTH!?"

Peter answers without delay:

"Oh, let him in, it's a Legionary"