"He Might Be a Slider If..."

[homeschoolmom]

He Might Be a “Slider” If…


1/15/05



As I have swapped stories with other converts over the years, certain themes come up again and again. For many, going to the first Mass is a rather clandestine affair. Disguised in Groucho Marx glasses, we clutch our super-sized Bibles under our trench coats, and lurk in the shadows to be sure no one we know sees us going in.


Sneakin’ a Peak

When the coast is clear, we scuttle across and slip into the very last pew, sinking a little lower each time a priest or parishioner glances in our direction. This peculiar behavior might brand us “backsliders,” or simply “sliders” (if not by our pewmates, for sure by friends and relatives once they find out where we spent that particular Sunday morning).

Even those who summon up the courage to walk in as though they were regulars soon give themselves away, if you know what to look for. Sure, there’s the “Our Father Express,” where all the Protestants keep on going when everyone else stops at “… deliver us from evil.” However, there are other, subtler signs as well. Here are fifteen of them.

Dead Giveaways

• They might be “sliders” if… they cut a wide berth at the baptismal font, and trip over or run into whoever is genuflecting toward the tabernacle on the way into the pew.

• They might be “sliders” if… they sing hymns like “Amazing Grace” and “Joyful, Joyful” with gusto, in three-part harmony, but clam up for the “Gloria.”

• They might be “sliders” if… they carry Bibles larger than the lectionary, but can lip sync the readings without ever looking down.

• They might be “sliders” if… their Bibles open magically to the right page every time the priest mentions a New Testament reference… But they get a “deer in the headlights” expression if he mentions Tobit or Maccabees.

• They might be “sliders” if… they sit poised on the edge of the pew, nails splintering the wood, ready to jump up or drop at the first hint of movement from the crowd.

• They might be “sliders” if… they look askance at the statuary, muttering a suspicious, “Who’s that?” at the crucifix.

• They might be “sliders” if… the priest chants in Latin, and they ask what time the English service starts.

• They might be “sliders” if… they jump as though a spider crawled into their shorts when incense wafts or water is sprinkled their way.

• They might be “sliders” if… they snort, cough, or faint at the mention of Jesus’s mother or any of the saints.

• They might be “sliders” if… they doze off during the homily and, expecting a much longer sermon, don’t wake up until someone hits them with an offering basket.

• They might be “sliders” if… when it’s time for the Eucharist they panic, make a wrong turn, and lead their entire row up into the choir loft.

• They might be “sliders” if… they quote extensively from — and appear to be on a first-name basis with — “Scott,” “Karl,” and “Steve.”

• They might be “sliders” if… they slip into a confessional and whisper a nervous, “Um… hello. Anybody in there?”

• They might be “sliders” if… the priest is still in the confessional six hours later, unable to break the litany of questions long enough to make an appointment.

• They might be “sliders” if… at coffee hour, they appear to be under the impression that the “Immaculate Conception” is another name for NFP, which they also refer to as the “rhythm method.”

Happy Homecoming

If you happen to spot a surreptitious “backslider,” pretend not to notice when she barrels through the “Our Father.” If he seems lost, tip your missalette or hymnal a bit, very casually, so he can read the page number and catch up. Above all, say a little prayer for the poor soul. These brothers and sisters in the Lord are almost certainly experiencing spiritual “culture shock,” and struggling to hear the truth over the inner clamor of prejudice and misperception.

At the sign of peace, once they have relaxed a bit, introduce yourself and let them know how glad you are they came. Offer to introduce the visitors to the priest, or invite them to join you for coffee and donuts after Mass. As the writer of Hebrews points out, “Show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some have entertained angels unawares” (Heb 13:2).

Who knows? Someday you might find that by welcoming one more “crazy convert” into the fold, you made all of heaven rejoice.


Raised in the evangelical Protestant tradition, Heidi Saxton was confirmed Catholic in 1993. She is the author of With Mary in Prayer (Loyola) and is a graduate student (theology) at Sacred Heart Major Seminary in Detroit, Michigan. You may contact Heidi at hsaxton@christianword.com .

[Birgitta Noel]

Thanks for pinning this HSMom

[Sojourner]

Oh my! That brings back a lot of memories.

For example, there was one time my priest asked me to read from the book of "Wisdom." Assuming that was another name for the book of Proverbs, I opened to the same chapter and verse in Proverbs and started to read ... needless to say, I was embarrassed. Ha ha.

[journeyman]

The "Our Father Express" . . . .

I didn't know it was so common it had a name!

[avemaria40]

Thanks for pinning this one up! it reminded me of my first Mass when i clammed up at the Gloria and the Creed, so i spent that whole summer memorizing them

[homeschoolmom]

Another slider moment for me...

During the sign of peace...


... I said, "hi!"

[avemaria40]

i used to think, b4 i was Catholic, that the Hail Mary was in the Bible like the Our Father was

[tojo]

It took me months to figure out the threefold sign of the cross before the reading of the gospel! Does it have a name? I still don't know!

[Birgitta Noel]

[quote name='avemaria40' date='Jun 30 2005, 07:18 PM']i used to think, b4 i was Catholic, that the Hail Mary was in the Bible like the Our Father was  
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Some of it is....The first half all has a scriptural basis, but I don't have the refs handy, perhaps someone else can pinch hit for me?

[homeschoolmom]

The words of the Hail Mary are supplied by:
1. Gabriel
2. Elizabeth
3. The Church (as we petition Our Lady to pray for us)

[Cre8d4Youth]

[quote name='Birgitta Noel' date='Sep 20 2005, 05:58 PM']Some of it is....The first half all has a scriptural basis, but I don't have the refs handy, perhaps someone else can pinch hit for me? 
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Luke 1:28 "And he came to her and said, "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you!"

and then...

Elizabeth says in Luke 1:42 "Blessed are you among women and blessed is the fruit of your womb!"

[avemaria40]

I eventually learned that bit in RCIA and reading about Catholicism, but when i was thirteen and trying to find out about Catholicism w/out telling neone since i didn't know how my fam would react, i was pretty confused, i even tried to look in the index or the table of contents (it was a children's Bible that had that stuff) and i have to say, i was pretty baffled

[Lil Red]

funny stuff!

[jumpfrog]

I remember being astounded when I saw the priest "scratching his nose" and the entire congregation doing the same thing, right before the gospel reading. I had actually attended about 5-6 times before I noticed this...before I discovered what was really going on, I had concocted some explanation like "oh, everyone copied him so he won't feel embarrassed about scratching his nose right in front of everyone, and right before the gospel reading too!"

OK, so I'm not the brightest crayon in the box...it took a month after that to get it...I had to keep watching: "see, there they go again!"

[homeschoolmom]