Chastity And Loneliness

[traichuoi]

okay...this is me being open with my heart to you guys...so be nice!

my chastity is one of the most important part of me that i protect with great fervor. it's one of the most grace and joy-filled parts of me. it used to be just protecting my temptations physically but now it has evolved into working on my self-esteem (which is REALLY hard for girls and still an ongoing process), protecting what I watch (i don't watch those dating shows anymore because they're so racy or I really stay away from movies that say they have sexuality), and I have refrained from dating. The thing I wanted to talk about most is the dating part.

I really believe God has allowed me the opportunity to be single for the past 3 1/2 years...yea, 3 1/2 years. that's a long time for no relationship at all. the reason why i say God has allowed me the opportunity is because I think he really wanted me to live a single life to learn more about my chastity.

Well, what I'm struggling with right now is feeling really lonely. I believe God will put who ever He wants on my path when the time is right. BUT what I'm struggling with is how to get through this loneliness. It really smells of elderberries. What do you do?

[Faithful heart]

I think you are doing a wonderful thing. Not only are you learning about your chasitity, you are also learning a great deal about yourself. I think when you do find it is time to be in a relationship you will be bringing so much positivity to the table. Everyone feels lonely even when they are in a relationship,in my opinion that is the worst kind of loneliness. I know it is hard doing what is right, but it seems to me you are a strong girl/women and we need more like you in this world. I don't know if this has helped, but always remember God is always by your side so you are never alone.

[cmotherofpirl]

Enjoy your loneliness.

Go where you want, do what you want, be what you want.

Take advantage of every opportunity God sends your way.

As a single person you only have to answer to God, and are free to be available to

others in a way few can.

When I got out of college I went to live in England, came back andjoined the peace corp-vista

program, and did all the things I wanted before looking for a relationship.

Being alone is not always a bad thing.

[Theologian in Training]

okay...this is me being open with my heart to you guys...so be nice!

my chastity is one of the most important part of me that i protect with great fervor.  it's one of the most grace and joy-filled parts of me.  it used to be just protecting my temptations physically but now it has evolved into working on my self-esteem (which is REALLY hard for girls and still an ongoing process), protecting what I watch (i don't watch those dating shows anymore because they're so racy or I really stay away from movies that say they have sexuality), and I have refrained from dating.  The thing I wanted to talk about most is the dating part. 

I really believe God has allowed me the opportunity to be single for the past 3 1/2 years...yea, 3 1/2 years.  that's a long time for no relationship at all.  the reason why i say God has allowed me the opportunity is because I think he really wanted me to live a single life to learn more about my chastity. 

Well, what I'm struggling with right now is feeling really lonely.  I believe God will put who ever He wants on my path when the time is right.  BUT what I'm struggling with is how to get through this loneliness.  It really smells of elderberries.  What do you do?

Coming from a celibate male, who has been chaste for a couple of years now, you have to understand that lonliness is also a part of dealing with your chastity, and, in a sense, a purification process. In your lonliness, as you have come to realize, you learn more about yourself as well as how to understand your self. There are many ways God gives us to deal with lonliness and difficulties that we may come across as a result. Most of the time, it is usually a good friend, or a couple of good friends who either share the same lot, or who can understand what you are doing. However, sometimes, if God is calling you to the married life, He may bring someone into your life with whom you can share those same struggles with. Of course, that takes a lot of prayer and discernment to truly know.

The possibility also may exist that God is preparing you for a call to religious or consecrated life of some kind. In that sense, you have to be patient with God and let Him do with you what He Wills, and allow Him time to act.

Regardless of which way God is calling you never forget that He won't abandon you. Sometimes He may seem miles and miles away, but that does not mean that He is gone. As cliched as it may sound, sometimes we don't know what we have until it is gone. Sometimes God wants us to learn that lesson the hard way, by removing all sense of His presence in order that our love may grow, and that even with the little faith and little strength we have we can say that we believe and we love Him.

Lonliness sometimes is the way in which God tests our faith. How can we say we love Him if He always there? Sometimes God wants us to learn by the way in which we respond to His absence, do we give up, get angry, and abandon all hope, or do we carry on with the single grain of sand of our faith in hope that though He is absent He is never truly gone?

You are in my prayers.

God Bless

[ironmonk]

St. Josemaria Escriva

123 When you resolve firmly to lead a clean life, chastity will not be a burden for you: it will be a triumphal crown.

God Bless! Your Servant in Christ,

ironmonk

[Kuya Lee]

Hi traichuoi

I admire you immensely in your integrity ..

Faithful heart is absolutely right, the world needs more women (and definitely more men) like you in this age. The world throws everything under the sun to try and convince us that our Christian perspective on human relationships and sexuality is 'backward'.

Cmom & Theo are so wise.. I still find it wonderful that the Phatmass community here has so many who are obviously blessed in the faith to draw from.

I think most of us can empathise with how you're feeling.. the pang of loneliness is in my opinion one of the hardest pains to bear.

I wont try and give advice.. there are others here who are definitely more qualified and capable for that.. but I just want to let you know that on a personal level, from one oft-lonely soul to another, I often feel the same way, and would love to remember you in my thoughts and prayers

Your pal in Christ on the other side of the planet,

Laurence

[CatholicAndFanatical]

Pax traichuoi,

I can say I 100% know exactly what you mean. Its been a little over 3 years for me as well. Although with me I've dated maybe 5 times and they were horrible dates. You give me hope, you are exactly right in what you are doing and I should be doing the same thing.

What you said made perfect sense, maybe my dates went horrible because I wasnt meant to date yet, could be why I havent found 'the one' yet. God wants us to be single to learn about ourselves and chastity. Makes sense to me.

And the lonelyness part? Thats why PhatMass is so cool, im never alone when im here...although theres no one here now (hey where is everyone!!!)

My point is I understand what your going through because ironically im goign through the same thing. Like mentioned above I believe its a purification process.

I admire your courage, you'll be in my prayers.

God Bless

[ironmonk]

Guys,

If you are looking for a practicing Catholic girl that is looking for a practicing Catholic guy, there are many of them at http://www.StRaphael.net

God Bless, Your Servant in Christ,

ironmonk

[CatholicAndFanatical]

agreed sir iron. I have been a part of that one, there is another one http://www.catholicsingles.com I think it is. That one is cheaper than raphael.

no worries though, im creating a Catholic Singles website that will either be free or very very cheap. Easier said than done though, alot of stuff to build.

[Spiritual_Arsonist]

I am happy to hear that this is an important part of your life. Keeping away from things that are a challenge to chastity is key too. It is sad that half of what is on TV is trash. It is hard, but rewarding to be chaste in mind, body, and soul.

We all feel lonely sometimes, and it is ok to be that way. Yes, we should act appropriately when God places someone on our path, but I do not think it is wrong to actively look for someone to relate with. It is normal and healthy to relate with both males and females, so make sure you can relate with the opposite sex, and if you wish, date too. When we date in the right fashion, this can strengthen chastity.

[traichuoi]

WOW. that's the first word that popped in my head.

you are all so amazing...thank you for your words. they are very encouraging. more than you know. i was lying in bed last night and before falling asleep i had a "talk" with God. it was really crazy...and like all of my other arguments with God, I ended up losing this one too. lol.

anyways, i was talking to Him about this feeling of loneliness and what He was pointing me towards was not desiring the type of relationship i thought i wanted first (not that i shouldn't desire this), but that I should desire a relationship with God first. i need to switch my priorities around is what He was saying...

God...so amazing...

seriously, I want to thank you for taking the time to respond to me...I know you all put good thought into it...I appreciate that

keep them coming if you have more. it sounds like I'm not the only one in this boat...

[BLAZEr]

Traichou, I've been living a chaste celibate life since I entered the collge seminary in 1998. When I was in community, the lonliness wasn't so big a deal. When I left and started living on my own (2 years ago) it became much much more difficult. My spiritual director told me something that was of great value "Loliness is meant for love." He encourged me to find a way to pour my heart out in service to my brothers and sisters. In some activity where I could realize that my lonliness was partly pride and partly staleness. I needed to humble myself to recognize that there is nothing "wrong" with being alone. And I needed to stir up my stale life and do some service. I started by going to the Missionaries of Charity and having mass with them on Saturday Morning and then helping them out wherever they needed me. It was the perfect mix. All of a sudden I wasn't thinking about my being alone so much. I had something to look forward to every week, kinda like my date with myself. LOL . . . I really would think of it as my "chaste celibate date." Maybe I'm a big dork, but hopefully my little story helps.

[Dave]

Living at home and away from close friends, I've been feeling pretty lonely a lot myself lately. Living in a really small town doesn't help any. Thus, Phatmass is a huge relief for me; I guess that's why I'm addicted to it! I've made some wonderful friends via this site!

But yes, I can't help but wish I'd hurry up and find a good Catholic girl. Down here in the South, they're hard to come by! Yet it's all in God's time, not mine. I just need to learn to want to do things on God's time rather than my own.

[Adeodatus]

Before I started training for the priesthood I read bits of the following (culled from the writings of a former Dominican Master, Timothy Radcliffe) and found it really helpful. I realise you're not trying the religious life, but you may find lots of the following useful to you too, traichuoi. Don't be afraid of your loneliness. God will make it really fruitful!

"CHASTITY

The first sin against chastity is a failure to love. It was said of St Dominic that ‘since he loved all, he was loved by all’. In order to preach the God of love, we must live that mystery. Human beings are often tempted to flee from the fact of their sexuality, their bodiliness; a person is often seen as either ‘spiritual’ or ‘carnal’. Yet the Order was born precisely in the struggle against such dualism. Dominic was the one who preached against the division of body and soul, matter and spirit. Modern culture remains deeply dualistic. New Age religions ignore the body: it is a vehicle, but often it is an obstacle. Pornography, which appears to delight in sexuality, is in reality a flight from it, a refusal of that vulnerability that human relationship demands. The voyeur keeps his distance, invulnerable and in control, afraid.

It is our bodiliness that is blessed and made holy in the Incarnation. ‘The Word became flesh, and dwelt among us’. For Dominicans, to preach the Word-become-flesh means they cannot forget or deny what they are. They must care for the bodies of their brethren, making sure they have enough food, tending them when they are sick, being tender with them when they are old.

The basis of chastity can never be fear, fear of our sexuality, fear of our bodiliness, fear of people of the other sex. Fear is never a good foundation for religious life. The God who drew near to us dared to become flesh and blood, even though it led to crucifixion. Ultimately this vow demands of us that we follow where God has gone before. Our God has become human and invites us to do so as well.

SEX

Sex is a God-given gift. Our sexuality is intrinsically part of our very being, the way we are made: ‘male and female he created them’ (Gen 1:27). From the beginning God blessed the union of man and woman—‘the two shall become one flesh’—while commanding and granting them fruitfulness (cf. Gen 1:28; 4:1). Sex as God willed it (i.e. in marriage) is a good thing: ‘Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled’ (Heb 13:4). Outside of this context, the use and expression of sex becomes a parody of the real thing - a distortion and a lie.

To be bodily, to have a body, is to be present to another. For it is through and with our bodies that we are present to each other. And more to the point, our bodies are not our instruments, separated somehow from what we are. We are not embodied souls, but ensoulled bodies. We are a composite of body and soul. Our bodiliness is the possibility of giving ourselves to another: the possibility of mutual presence. To sleep with someone is to realise that possibility; it is to make a gift of oneself. Having sex with someone does not merely symbolise unity with another: it is being one with them. So any sexual act outside of married sex negates our bodiliness as a means of self-communication. It is an untruthful act: we become one with someone with whom we have no intention of sharing our lives. The issue is beyond what is permissible or forbidden, beyond whatever we may intend or think or feel; for one does inDouche make a radical self-gift, become one flesh, when one sleeps with another. This concerns the truth of who and what we are.

Chastity is no bed of roses. Embracing chastity will entail certain sacrifices. The greatest loss is that of an intimate human companion. In its place, Dominicans are to cultivate ‘fraternal love and serene friendship’, but these can never replace intimacy. Vowing chastity is a genuine sacrifice, and the one doing so has to rely all the more on God’s love and strength. Another loss is the possibility of children. Most people see their children as their legacy: a part of them that continues, that they leave to the world. Dominicans sacrifice the possibility of having their own children. ‘As we accept paternity in Christ in a broader sense, we become more suitable ministers for the work of eternal regeneration.’ Their children are those whom they assist to be re-born spiritually. "

Sorry, it keeps talking about Dominicans and vows, but the kernel of it kinda applies to us all....

[traichuoi]

Blaze...i really like that quote "loneliness is meant for love." i don't think i fully understand the meaning of this but it's something great to reflect on. writing it down in my prayer book! thanks!

Adeodatus, wow, i really like your excerpts...printing it as we speak. funny because i actually have to do a talk on the Eucharist for an upcoming retreat and I wanted to talk about this heresy of separating the body and the soul. and how it is through the Eucharist that Christ teaches us the body and the soul go hand in hand.

dave, you're in my prayers too!