what to do when the kids have sex?

[hopeful1]

I have a bad feeling about posting this, because i can see this possibly getting ugly because of the subject matter, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile and would like to know some of your thoughts on the subject. I've always known i wanted to get married and have children ( unless if God has something else in store for me), but considering how everything is so perverted today i'm scared to death about what my kids will be like when they are teenagers, especially if after teaching them about what the church teaches about premarital sex, and chastity and i find out (either by one of them telling me, or finding out by their own carelessness ) one of them has become sexually active and shows no desire to change. I know i'd already feel like i've failed them in some way as a parent, but in this situation what does one do, besides praying for them? I know in respect to Humanae Vitae, it would be a mortal sin to put them on birth control (and probably be a mortal sin for me as well, if i'm aiding them in their own sin, ie: traveling to the pharmacy/gynocolegist, paying for bcp, ect.), but at the same time if i don't they would be risking their own health and future. Please understand that i'm not trying to undermine what the church teaches about contraception, i actually have alot of respect for humanae vitae, but I'm just trying to figure out what the most loving and responsible thing someone can do, both as a Catholic and a parent. I know that majority of you are very devout, orthodox, and have families, and thought maybe some of you have been through this (or at least thought about how you would handle it), and would really appreciate your insight. In any case, lets pray for our children, our future children, and the world.


any comments?

[Guest JeffCR07]

Well I wouldn't get so far ahead of yourself. It seems to me that the first big issue is proper catechesis and raising your children in the faith. That is the best protection from such a situation out there. If they mess up, explain why their actions are wrong. If they keep messing up, all you can do is pray. Keep in mind that even if you should reach that point, all hope is not lost: St. Augustine's mother was in a similar position, but that worked out ok for everyone in the end, didn't it?

- Your Brother In Christ, Jeff

[homeschoolmom]

Wow... you're way ahead of yourself... (maybe I can stop worrying about this and let you do it for me... )

I actually have thought about it because of having a teenager in our home and not being her "real" parents and wondering about what we would do if (heaven forbid) she made bad choices. Fortunately, we have a pretty open relationship talking about sex and when she first started dating her boyfriend, we talked about it quite a bit. Fortunately, she and her boyfriend are both devout Catholics who don't indend to have sex premaritally.

As for my own children (ages 8 1/2, 5 1/2 and 1) we just pray... and talk...

[hopeful1]

yeah, i do kinda get ahead of myself sometimes, and worry too much. but still, i'm wondering what to do if this situation ever arises. maybe it could help someone else on here too.

[homeschoolmom]

This is why it's so important to pray for our children... It's never too early to pray...

[hopeful1]

[quote name='JeffCR07' date='Oct 13 2004, 12:21 AM'] Well I wouldn't get so far ahead of yourself. It seems to me that the first big issue is proper catechesis and raising your children in the faith. That is the best protection from such a situation out there. If they mess up, explain why their actions are wrong. If they keep messing up, all you can do is pray. Keep in mind that even if you should reach that point, all hope is not lost: St. Augustine's mother was in a similar position, but that worked out ok for everyone in the end, didn't it? 

- Your Brother In Christ, Jeff [/quote]
true, but he still fathered an illigitamate child. St. Augustine does give me some hope tho, both for my children and for people who have made mistakes like that, particularly now when i'm thinking about my future husband. but that's probably a different thread for another day.

Edited October 13, 2004 by hopeful1

[popestpiusx]

That's easy. Just lock them in the basement.

[Lil Red]

*hyperventilating* i'm just imagining someone who used to be on phatmass reading this

*edited for names* Edited October 13, 2004 by Lil Red

[StColette]

[quote name='popestpiusx' date='Oct 13 2004, 01:39 AM'] That's easy. Just lock them in the basement. [/quote]
lol ummm hmm


Okay the opinion on this topic from the view of a youngster who is chaste.

I agree with many of the others that you are kinda gettin ahead of yourself. From my point of view the beginning element is knowing your children and knowing that you can trust them. If there is no trust there and respect for them to make good decisions then there is a serious problem. The best thing you can do is to raise them knowing the Church stance on this topic and above all to pray for them. The power of prayer is unconceivable hehe it works wonders You can't live your child's life for them but you can help insure that they will become responsible young adults and be able to be strong in their faith and be able to make the right decisions. Trust must be had between you and your children. If they do happen to make a mistake and they talk to you about it reassure them that you still love them because they may feel as though they have let you down. Reaffirm to them what the Church teaches on this subject and continue to pray for them always that they may do the will of God and that they may keep His commandments.

hehe maybe you should talk to my dad, I wish I could get him on here. lol He has managed to raise a teenage daughter, moi, alone lol well not alone hehe He had God and the Saints helping him out. But above all he trusted me and I know he prays for me everyday. And he knows I know the teaching of the Church and he trusts me to keep God's commandments and to do His will.

Anyway that's just my spill.

God Bless,
Jennie

[1337 k4th0l1x0r]

I've noticed that a lot of my Catholic friends who did get into 'trouble' had parents who did not openly discuss and live their Catholic faith with their children. They went to Mass every week and were catechized well at church, but I think their parents didn't want to have a very involved role in their religious upbringing. Also, many of these parents were using artificial birth control or committing other sins.

Now I think back to the 'good' kids. These were from very faithful families where active parish life was a key part of their family life. They usually came from larger families where the parents may have used NFP, but did not use artificial birth control.

This isn't always true by any means. I know some of the bad kids who really straightened themselves out through the help of friends in the Church. I also know of some good kids who went bad due to non-Christian influences. Both of the cases above, however, I saw happened only several years after they left the nest.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that when you become a parent, you can't just raise the kids Catholic as most parents try to do. We all screw up, but we can't pretend that by raising them in the faith that it's going to keep them from doing everything we may or may not have done. We must live the faith as entire families and only then can Catholicism truly be taught.

Edited October 13, 2004 by 1337 k4th0l1x0r

[carrdero]

[/QUOTE]hopeful 1 writes: I'm just trying to figure out what the most loving and responsible thing someone can do, both as a Catholic and a parent.[/QUOTE]

I have had many questions about parenting and discussed them with GOD. Though I am sure there are many individuals here who may help you with the Church’s perspective, I do have some experience as a parent. I hope some of this information may help you.


GOD ON PARENTING

“As children mature they recreate themselves almost every day. They can lose control of their emotions, usually settling on doubts about themselves and others involuntarily. It is important to K(NOW) which direction your child is headed at every moment. This helps you anticipate their decisions and methods of learning and experiencing life. As children grow older they develop a sense of privacy that they want their parents to respect, but this is no reason to lose touch with a child.”

This is what is called “checking-in” in on your child. It is very important to understand how they feel about matters. You do not have to probe every detail of a child’s life but you can try to understand why a child desires to be sexually active. Do they equate LOVE with sex? Are they coming under pressure from the boyfriend/girlfriend about performing something that they do not want to do?

“Parents sometimes see their children through "parent eyes," which means they have pre-conceived perceptions of how their children behave or how they want them to behave. When a situation comes up that does not fit existing perspectives, it may BE wise to seek a new angle or insight.
Children abandon old methods and behaviors just as frequently as they change their clothes. Parents should BE on the lookout for different behavioral techniques and methods. This involves staying alert and maybe distancing themselves from the situation. Outside stimuli may provide certain keys of information that has been missed.”

GOD explains that it is difficult for a parent to raise children with the same morals or values that a parent was instilled with. Sometimes parents have to “think outside their box” in order to solve certain problems.

“Children believe that growing up is difficult so, to make it easier, they give in to current trends, fads, fashions, and behavior. This is where we lose most of the parents, because parents do not follow the interests of children's generations. Some will not want to UNDERSTAND and they choose to avoid it altogether. It is very important to keep abreast of the latest interests targeted at children. It will give you an edge to UNDERSTANDING and help you discuss the facts as your children develop as individual entities.”

Staying aware of current breakthroughs and new understanding; it gives you the power through knowledge that you can share with your child.

“Teach children to BE their “own person.” Teach them not to follow, but to BE a leader to their own actions.”

Children learn from other children. So if a child has a friend who is enjoying a life through acts that can be considered “immoral” that does not mean that your child will enjoy them too.

“Parents should make themselves approachable to children for everything. Why are children lying, and stealing, and fearing you? Because they think parents will not UNDERSTAND or not approve of their actions. The trick is to help children decide before they go through with a behavior so this action (or reaction) won’t BE detrimental to their PURPOSE.”

This I believe is very important. If you cannot make yourself available to a child to discuss these things openly and honestly they will probably learn them from somebody else who does not share their best interests. Explain and explore all consequences on any given matter and see which ones appeal to the child or which consequences a child wants to avoid. Instill PERSONAL RESPONSIBLIITY in them.

“Advance them further as they grow older. Children do not like to BE told how to act as children. With some parents, this is exactly what is BEing taught. Kids are people, too. They are your equals…just like you!”

“ALL(WAYS) explain to your child why something is, even if you have to re-tell it. If you do not K(NOW) why, then find out together. You can teach a child many things that will help promote PURPOSE and well BEing into their lives. And the best part about the REALationship between child and parent is that a child can also teach his or her parents about their own PURPOSEs as well.”



GOD ON PRAYER

The prayers that are answered are the prayers that pertain to PURPOSE. An Individual who makes a prayer and sends it out – whether it is for themselves or other Beings – will only BE answered positively if it is within PURPOSE for that individual. Prayer is very powerful. You cannot begin to fathom the response and consequences that prayer can achieve.



“Too often we give our children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.”
-- Roger Lewin

[Norseman82]

That worry pops in my head, too, but I would plan on making sure my wife would be a serious Catholic and we would impart Catholic values in both word and example, and would seek out similar Catholic parents to form a supportive social network.



Oh, and I would practice my right cross on the heavy bag.....

[Dave]

If kids get into stuff like that no matter how well the parents have tried to teach them, it's understandable that the parents would be like, "Where did we go wrong with our son/daughter?" However, if parents have truly striven to teach their kids well, then they have to realize that it was the kids who went wrong, not the parents.

[toledo_jesus]

Augustine's illegitimate son followed him into holiness.
If you provide proper instruction(not hard, seeing as how the Church has lain most of it out for us), and rely on prayer and God, your children will be much better off.
If they decide to engage in behavior that is contrary to what you (with backup) have taught, it's their choice. Never support them in their sins, but always love them and be available if they want to change. If they want to have sex, be prepared to have a grandchild. However, also prepare them for the reality of living on their own, supporting themselves and giving up their dreams. Don't pull punches.

[cmotherofpirl]

[quote name='hopeful1' date='Oct 13 2004, 01:12 AM'] I have a bad feeling about posting this, because i can see this possibly getting ugly because of the subject matter, but it's something that's been on my mind for awhile and would like to know some of your thoughts on the subject. I've always known i wanted to get married and have children ( unless if God has something else in store for me), but considering how everything is so perverted today i'm scared to death about what my kids will be like when they are teenagers, especially if after teaching them about what the church teaches about premarital sex, and chastity and i find out (either by one of them telling me, or finding out by their own carelessness ) one of them has become sexually active and shows no desire to change. I know i'd already feel like i've failed them in some way as a parent, but in this situation what does one do, besides praying for them? I know in respect to Humanae Vitae, it would be a mortal sin to put them on birth control (and probably be a mortal sin for me as well, if i'm aiding them in their own sin, ie: traveling to the pharmacy/gynocolegist, paying for bcp, ect.), but at the same time if i don't they would be risking their own health and future. Please understand that i'm not trying to undermine what the church teaches about contraception, i actually have alot of respect for humanae vitae, but I'm just trying to figure out what the most loving and responsible thing someone can do, both as a Catholic and a parent. I know that majority of you are very devout, orthodox, and have families, and thought maybe some of you have been through this (or at least thought about how you would handle it), and would really appreciate your insight. In any case, lets pray for our children, our future children, and the world.


any comments? [/quote]
It depends on their age. If they are minor you are still have some control. If they are of legal age, you hope you have spent the last 18 years raising them right, then you commend them to God.

Most kids who see loving parents and get enough attention do not get into trouble - they don't have to go looking for love.

If they are legal and sexually active, you tell them they are wrong and keep loving them.
If someone gets pregnant you scream rant and rave for several hours, then start buying baby clothes.