Miscellaneous Funnies:

[littleflower+JMJ]

[quote]A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." [/quote]

i love that one!
those are hilarious cappie! thanks for posting

[azaelia]

[quote name='cappie' date='Oct 1 2004, 07:02 PM'] AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God [/quote]
I've heard that one.

[cappie]

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

***********************************************************

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters.' They are married to God."

"Wonderful," he replied. "In that case, send the bill to my brother-in-law".

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

brother-in-law.... he he he! :crackup:

[DancesforLove]

Hey Cappie I thought I'd correct your joke, you've got a butchered form of it. Heres the full length one.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence...
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that...

JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence ...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ...
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

lol.... :laugh: :crackup:

Although, not as funny as TCW...

[DancesforLove]

These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honor of
the GM fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No Va" means, of course, in Spanish, "It doesn't go".

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted
them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention
the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as
"Suffer From Diarrhea."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to
find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the
"Manure Stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned
that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's
inside, since many people can't read.

5. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

6. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite
the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou
kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

8. I thought I should leave this one out (not that bad) IM if you'd still like to here it

9. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed
to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company
thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the
ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!

[DancesforLove]

Corporate Buzzwords

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look
down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
over everything and then leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the
employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's
going on.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators
running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of
them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single
Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce
with no kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation
from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest
were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing
it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal
employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around
here."

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success
and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first
we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in
order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying,
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials
were a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the carp out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a
Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the
number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number
and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all
the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm
re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the
Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

[quote name='DancesforLove' date='Oct 1 2004, 07:48 PM'] 5. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). [/quote]
I wanna see the potatoe! lol

[toledo_jesus]

[quote name='DancesforLove' date='Oct 1 2004, 08:44 PM']
But perhaps the most compelling evidence ...

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ...
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT.
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do. [/quote]
BOOOOO!

[DancesforLove]

LoL I wonder if toledo is a boy

[cappie]

Two curates were talking, one said "How do you get on with the young women in your parish?"
The other replied, "I seek safety in numbers. How about you?"
The first curate replied, "I take refuge in exodus".



********************************************************


Groceries from the devil

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He
thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like
that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and
redicule her. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was
praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what
He was gonna do.

AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph
. . .I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole
bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the
front porch,rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would
do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she
began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and
shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy
lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and
praising the Lord. When the atheist finally caught her, he asked what
her problem was . . .

She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some
groceries but I didn't know he made the devil pay for them!"

[StColette]

rofl Father !! I received the groceries joke a few days ago rofl It still cracks me up

[StColette]

[quote name='cappie' date='Sep 30 2004, 07:37 PM'] Student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take." [/quote]
rofl me every night before an exam !!!!

Edited October 2, 2004 by StColette

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

lol I like that groceries one!