Miscellaneous Funnies:

[cappie]

Student's prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."
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A woman wearing an enourmous flowery hat was stopped at the door of the church by one of the ushers. "Are you a friend of the groom?" he asked, "Of course not!" snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."

[azaelia]

Mushroom walks into a bar. The Bartender says "We don't serve your kind here." He says, "Why not? I'm a fungi (fun guy)!"

A group of coagulated milk (yes, coagulated milk) walk into a bar and order wine. The bartender tells them "I'm sorry. We aren't allowed to serve wine to coagulated milk." So one of the cheeses replies "Oh, well that's alright. We'll just have water." They all sit down with their water, raise their hands over their water glasses (yes in this joke, coagulated milk can have hands) and it immediately turns to wine. They drink it and leave. The bartender, baffled, turns to another customer and asks "Who was that?" The customer says "Ddidn't you know? That was the Cheeses of Nazareth!"

Yes I know. That was a cheesy joke

[the_rev]

I have some really corny jokes...

[azaelia]

Tell them, tell them!

[cappie]

An Irish wife went to see her parish priest for some counseling because of her husband's drinking. "Father," she said, "he comes home every night drunk. What will I do?"

Father said, "tonight put a sheet over your head and hide in the closet. When your husband comes home, jump out of the closet and say: 'the devil from hell is here!' and he will never drink again."

The woman did what Father suggested and waited for her husband in the closet. True to form the husband wandered home and into the house as drunk as a skunk. His wife jumped out of the closet as soon as he entered the house and yelled "the devil from hell is here!"

The husband was quite startled. "Thank God!" said he said, "I thought it was the wife out of her bed."

[cappie]

TRUE ORIGINS OF THE INTERNET

An old, bearded shepherd with a crooked staff walked up to a stone pulpit and said, "And lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay," he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "Whoopee!" said Abraham. "No, YAHOO!" said Dot Com.........and that is how it all began.

[azaelia]

:crackup:

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

I wanna hear some more jokes! These are funny!

[cappie]

Faith of a little girl
“Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”

“But the Bible teaches us that Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied. “My mom says Bible is God’s words and it must be correct.”

“That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.”

“If so, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl.

The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him when you get there yourself.”

[picchick]

hehehe,
i like that one.

[cappie]

Pastor for the dinner on the return of the prodigal son.

Mr. & Mrs. Dennis invited their pastor for the dinner hosted in honor of the return of their son after long years of his wandering life. As Mrs. Dennis busied herself preparing food she asked her little daughter to set the table. When the pastor started the prayer before the meals, Mrs. Dennis noticed that her daughter forgot to place silverware for the pastor. Embarrassed at the oversight, Mary asked her little girl why she had not placed silverware for the pastor. “Because, Mom, Papa says that our pastor eats like a horse!”

Edited October 1, 2004 by cappie

[Guest T-Bone]

[quote]TRUE ORIGINS OF THE INTERNET [/quote]

So...it...wasn't...Al Gore?

[Piccoli Fiori JMJ]

I like funnies! Is there more?

[cappie]

Take whatever humor you may out of these jokes, but please keep in mind, and I am not kidding, they were originally written by a nun in a convent. And yes, the convent has email!

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married. 2. He never held a steady job. 3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine at every meal. 3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody brother. 2. He had no permanent address. 3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot. 3. He invented a new religion.

AND, FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into his father's business. 2. He lived at home until the age of 33. 3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure that he was God

[cappie]

One day a group of eminent scientists got together and decided that Man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need You. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't You just retire?" God listened very patiently to the man and then said, "Very well, but first, how about this, let's have a Man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"
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A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Edited October 1, 2004 by cappie