Seeking Hope

[HopeToLive]

Ok, here is my deal.

I think.

I know that none of you know who I am. So before I ask for your prayers and help, I think that I at least owe you a little knowledge about who I am and where I am coming from.
I am 22 and I do Youth Ministry at my local parish. A LifeTeen parish. I have been on the core team since we started the program. I'm dating the most amazing Catholic man I have ever met. I work in retail. No college for me. And I think that I'm struggling in my faith in a real way.

I have grown a huge amount in my faithlife since high school. In fact, I don't think I really had a faith life to speak of until about 4 years ago. But recently I have found myself feeling lost. I know that sounds so after-school-special, but I mean it. I attend mass EVERY sunday, and attend as many daily masses as my work schedule allows(and i can drag myself out of bed for). I frequent the sacrament of reconciliation(although this is still kinda new for me) I read books about the faith. Books about people who have lived, and are living, it. And I pray. Sorta. It's hard though. I think that I want to keep myself hid from God. So He can't see how aweful I am. And praying, that opens me up. Which, from what I read, and talk to people about is supposed to be a good thing, right?
I can't live that.
Or I don't want to, yet.

I hadn't really given much thought to this, until I commited myself to another person. He doesn't deserve this. I don't think I'm a complete failure. I mean, we are all hypocrytes in some ways, because we all sin. But I am feeling so unworthy of the ministry I believe I'm called to, and certainly not good at the job I have of being a Catholic girlfriend.
I have been reading about St Theresa's seven mansions. Oh man. I have no idea what to do with all that floating in my head.
Where am I?
Have I not stepped my foot even in the first door of the first mansion? Or am I lost somwhere deeper, in a dark night? I DO NOT want to go back. But have I missed steps? What is the lesson I have to learn so I can live in Him?
Why can't I let go?
I don't want to be afraid that He will hurt me.
I want to trust that I can die in Him, and live. Really live. But I'm holding something back.
What?
Why?
And I am so afraid that I am hurting someone I love.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

You should talk to a priest. You may be experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul.

God is like a father training his sons and daughters on their bicycles. He helps you with your spiritual life and keeps you safe from all the things He knows you can't handle, but when your faith is strong, He lets you go and try to ride (not on your own, of course, because none of us could ride without God's help). Most people stumble a little bit, because they can suddenly feel a bit lost. What is happening is that God isn't validating you as much as He had. That had kept you going. Now God may want you to live with less of His support, to make you stronger in faith. The saints go through this. Mother Theresa died in a Dark Night of the Soul, but because her faith was strong, she didn't need all that validation and she died without having gone into despair. Many people come out of it later though, because the test needn't last too long, but then there is usually another dark night later.

God allows those whom He loves most to go through the worst for Him.

But I don't know that you have this, I am only telling you about it. You should speak to a priest.

God bless, and know that you will always have friends here to pray for you.

PS-God will not allow you to lose heart unless you choose to. He will support you as much as you need support, but the less you need validation from Him...that is, the more you can do without His outward support, the most holy you have become, because you have the faith and hope to know He is there even when you don't feel His presence.

PPS-I saw this as a person who was taught about Dark Night of the Soul...I don't think I've ever had one.

[Lil Red]

i'm in youth ministry as well. i often do not feel "worthy" to teach these youth what it is to be Catholic. But the important thing is: the truth does not change if you sin. if you are teaching the Truth, you are doing a very good thing indeed. and yes, it is important that we take advantage of the sacraments, and to try not to sin, but you can still teach the Truth. The apostles didn't all of a sudden stop sinning after Jesus came. No! They still sinned! But they kept teaching, and preaching the Truth. Do not give up hope!

Try speaking to your priest, and if not face to face, try it in the confessional first. Also pick up the book [u]Dark Night of the Soul[/u] by St. John of the Cross. It is a good read :thumb:

Pray, and trust in God. I know it is hard, but I will be praying for you.

[HopeToLive]

Thank you both for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I know that talking to a priest is usually the best option. Just this past month or so, but our Pastor and Parochial Vicar were relocated to other parishes, and I have not really developed much of a deep relationship with either our new priests. Confession with one has been going well, but not to the point that I am ready to really talk in a more open discussion. So again I feel a little abandonded by the earthly things that have, in recent, been leading me to God. So I see what is a possabibity of what you said, about less from God, and more FOR God. But dern, that is hard. I don't know if I can handle this. I'm scared.

[Fides_et_Ratio]

It's okay to be scared/nervous (I know that feeling well!). But I really think your best option is to talk things over with a priest.

You don't have to have a great "intimate connection" with a priest (in fact, it's probably better if you don't), but if you know a priest who is [u]faithful to the Church and knowledgeable[/u]. Ask to make an appointment with him.



When I first returned to the Church, I found a spiritual director (who is a priest) to talk things over with-- especially my struggles. And though it was EXTREMELY hard and nerve-racking for me to open up with someone I didn't know too well, it was the BEST chance I ever took. He was greatly helpful and wonderful in my struggles.

So that's my advice. God bless you.

Edited August 21, 2004 by Fides_et_Ratio

[HopeToLive]

What about my boyfriend? What do I say to him? How do I get over the fact that I feel like I'm dragging him down?

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='HopeToLive' date='Aug 21 2004, 08:17 PM'] What about my boyfriend? What do I say to him? How do I get over the fact that I feel like I'm dragging him down? [/quote]
I would advise talking to him about this. You say he's an active Catholic...share it with him. That's one of the most beautiful things about the Catholic Church, we can support each other.

[J.R.D]

U should Jesus Freaks .... then youll be like "wow im lucky im able to live my faith and stuff" and the ull never fall away again

[HopeToLive]

I'm confused J.R.D

[J.R.D]

Read Jesus Freaks..... and ull nevr feel lost again ...... srry thats what i wanted to say

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='HopeToLive' date='Aug 21 2004, 08:22 PM'] I'm confused J.R.D [/quote]
lol

JRD is an aspiring rapper...he's not all that articulate. It takes a sec to understand him.

[J.R.D]

lol
no im not lol

[HopeToLive]

i know I'm supposed to trust in Him,
but i fear that he will not want to be with me if I don't get better soon.

I know that he says he loves me, even when i fall. But it's hard to imagine that he would love me even in this ick that i'm in.

i still have trouble understanding how God can do that, nevemind my boyfriend.

[HomeTeamFamily]

i will pray a rosary for you tonite hopetolive

[HopeToLive]

why would you choose to do that for me lankyswimmer?