fewbutmany Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 (edited) I have been dating this awesome Catholic guy for about a year now. We share the same beliefs and go to church every Sunday together. For a couple months we have been struggling with being pure and chaste. We haven't had pre-maritial relations, but we have came close. This past weekend I discovered porn on his computer. I didn't realize what it was until I saw the reaction on his face. He then confessed that before he was an active Catholic he struggled with porn, and use to have a problem. He said it was the first time since then he looked at it. I know he is sorry for his sin. I feel betrayed, and that in a way he cheated on me. I wonder if when he kisses me if he was every thinking about another girl. I know that its a struggle with him, and that he might possibly do it again, in a moment of weakness. My boyfriend was expecting me to breakup with him. I don't know what to do. I know he loves me with all his heart. He tells me things like I'm too good for him, and I deserve better. He is one of the greatest guys I know. He is strong in his faith. He is my best friend I feel that since we have been dating, my faith hasn't been the same. I don't feel on fire for God like I use to. I am just going through the motions. Please pray for me. I need to know what to do Edited August 16, 2004 by fewbutmany Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theculturewarrior Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Demand that he put an internet fiddler on his computer. It would be for his own benefit. Do not kiss, embrace, caress, or anything else. That stuff can wait till after marriage, and may be more of a temptation to him than you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
theculturewarrior Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 If you are wondering what your vocation is, to marry him, or not, I would talk to a priest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fewbutmany Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 Thanks for the advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 prayers for you. he can set passwords for his computer - but tell him you want to set the password. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p0lar_bear Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I agree with the advice about the fiddler, but to add a bit... It's important to realize that once someone starts looking at pornography, it is very difficult to stop. If he had a problem with this in the past, it is not surprising that he relapsed at a time when he was struggling to be chaste in his relationship with you. Encourage him to go to confession and discuss his problem with a priest. It may also be good for the two of you to meet with a priest for help in being chaste. There are a number of things you can do to help yourselves too. Since purity is such a challenge for you right now, try to arrange your time together so you are not completely alone. Spend time in public places, like parks or restaurants, where you can be 'alone' without being alone (does that make sense...). Do things in groups, etc. Have things to do on your dates (rather than just getting together and hanging out at home). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fewbutmany Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 Thanks for the tip Polar Bear. Its hard to meet with our priest because we are both really close with him. My boyfriend use to live in community with him for a year in a half while he was discerning the priesthood. Maybe we could find a different priest to talk with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
p0lar_bear Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 I understand the issue of being too close to the priest....though, priests have heard pretty much everything. You might tell the priest you want someone to talk to about your relationship and see if he can recommend anyone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fewbutmany Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 Thats a good idea Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs. Bro. Adam Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Check your private messages. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ash Wednesday Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Hey few, I think you and your beau need to step back and seriously evaluate your relationship. Obviously you can't keep going on as you were before. Have the two of you discussed marriage and children? You and him have been going down the wrong track and it is a very dangerous road, which might explain why your faith is hurting, too. I've been there. When I dated in younger years, I did some pretty foolish things out of "love." I stayed chaste, but in retrospect I can say -- the more physically involved you get with a guy, the more burned and hurt you will feel when things don't work out. Avoid situations that lead to occasion to sin. Set definitive boundaries in terms of your affection for one another. There are lots of ways of showing love without being physical. Setting the limits will force the two of you to focus on the other, more important aspects of a relationship. Like everyone suggested, obviously he needs to get the necessary help to break out of his addiction to porn and pastoral guidance for both of you would be a good thing, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Norseman82 Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 [quote name='fewbutmany' date='Aug 16 2004, 10:26 AM'] Its hard to meet with our priest because we are both really close with him. My boyfriend use to live in community with him for a year in a half while he was discerning the priesthood. Maybe we could find a different priest to talk with. [/quote] Yes, definitely. See a few priests to get multiple feedback. If they say basically the same thing, this normally is a sign that they are onto something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fewbutmany Posted August 16, 2004 Author Share Posted August 16, 2004 (edited) [quote name='Ash Wednesday' date='Aug 16 2004, 01:22 PM'] Hey few, I think you and your beau need to step back and seriously evaluate your relationship. Obviously you can't keep going on as you were before. Have the two of you discussed marriage and children? You and him have been going down the wrong track and it is a very dangerous road, which might explain why your faith is hurting, too. I've been there. [/quote] We talk about marriage quite frequently. We know our behaviours are harmful to our wellbeing. We have 2 years until he is done with college and I have 1 year. He doesn't want to get married until once we are done with school We have both been in non-Christian relationship, which make it difficult Edited August 16, 2004 by fewbutmany Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dUSt Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 Sin is what separates us from God, and may be why you don't feel as strong in your faith as you use to. Get to confession and stop sinning. Seems simple, but it works. I'd also encourage you and your boyfriend to go to Eucharistic Adoration together. The intimicy that occurs there is between you, your boyfriend and [b]Jesus[/b]. It's important to experience this intimacy with Christ, and let it replace the superficial physical intimacy that you desire, that should be reserved for marriage. Pornography is a huge problem. You have to help your boyfriend understand that he is in fact cheating on you when he looks at it, and reduces women to a mere object for his own selfish pleasure. I wouldn't leave him because of it unless he refuses to stop. Everybody sins, and some sins are harder to overcome than others. You can go to [url="http://www.xxxchurch.com"]http://www.xxxchurch.com[/url] and have him sign up for their accountability program. What it can do is send [b]you[/b] an e-mail everytime [b]he[/b] looks at porn. If he's willing to do it, it'll be a good faith indication that he wants to stop. Most of all, again. Take advantage of the sacraments. Frequent confession. Receive Christ's body, pray the rosary, and spend a lot of time in front of the tabernacle. These are the weapons the church has given us. We [b]must[/b] use them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lil Red Posted August 16, 2004 Share Posted August 16, 2004 [quote name='dUSt' date='Aug 16 2004, 03:21 PM'] Sin is what separates us from God, and may be why you don't feel as strong in your faith as you use to. Get to confession and stop sinning. Seems simple, but it works. I'd also encourage you and your boyfriend to go to Eucharistic Adoration together. The intimicay that occurs there is between you, your boyfriend and [b]Jesus[/b]. It's important to experience this intimacy with Christ, and let it replace the superficial physical intimacy that you desire, that should be reserved for marriage. Pornography is a huge problem. You have to help your boyfriend understand that he is in fact cheating on you when he looks at it, and reduces women to a mere object for his own selfish pleasure. I wouldn't leave him because of it unless he refuses to stop. Everybody sins, and some sins are harder to overcome than others. You can go to [url="http://www.xxxchurch.com"]http://www.xxxchurch.com[/url] and have him sign up for their accountability program. What it can do is send [b]you[/b] an e-mail everytime [b]he[/b] looks at porn. If he's willing to do it, it'll be a good faith indication that he wants to stop. Most of all, again. Take advantage of the sacraments. Frequent confession. Receive Christ's body, pray the rosary, and spend a lot of time in front of the tabernacle. These are the weapons the church has given us. We [b]must[/b] use them. [/quote] this is good advice, but.... for instance, my husband isn't Catholic - isn't even Christian to tell you the truth. he looks at porn. (not online - we don't have online service at home, and this is one of the reasons why i won't get it) he won't stop. going to adoration together won't help us. he doesn't think he's cheating on me. he doesn't think it objectifys women, because as he says, they (the "models") are doing it of their own free will. i've tried throwing out the magazines, the videos, but to tell you the truth, he hides it from me, because he knows i don't like it. how do i get him to see that his porn obsession tries to break down our relationship? (i'm sorry, fewbutmany, for interrupting your thread). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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