A Life Was Saved

[VeraMaria]

I wrote this yesterday night but my internet didn't connect, so I couldn't post it until now. I don't want to re-read this because it will sound ridiculous to myself, since I wrote it yesterday when I was upset. Here goes. It's very very long.


"This is very long and incoherent, and primarily for those of you who prayed yesterday. I had to write it slowly and painfully but writing about anything that upset me always makes me feel better. I am not writing this to make anyone pity. I just needed to write it out, and so many of you were praying last night and this morning for my friend, I had to post it. I changed names because I didn't want to use real ones).

Yesterday I got an e-mail from a friend of mine that was basically a good-bye letter. This guy is 18 and I’ve known him since I came to High School, so around a year. We were never really close but he once dated a friend of mine and we saw each other at parties and school all the time. I knew he had problems at home, I had heard he was often depressed though he never talked to me much about it. It never really crossed my mind he might need my help because he is a very popular guy and had a lot of friends, most of the school knows him. But in May he asked for some Spanish Homework help and being a native I helped him, and thus he had my e-mail address. I’m going to call him John (I don’t want to use his real name).

Yesterday he sent me an e-mail that basically said Goodbye, I can’t take life anymore. He said he was going to kill himself. I was stunned, everything seemed to stand still, and then I thought of calling real help but called a friend first, who had also gotten the same e-mail. In 5 minutes we had a whole connection of people who had also gotten the e-mail, and we determined some of them would call for help, while a group of us would go over. They picked us (me and a friend who was at my house) up and drove to his house (I was supposed to sleep over at a friend’s house that night anyway, and she and some others who were also sleeping over were driving to his house too). His parents were out of town, so he was alone at home (he lives in the outskirts of Miami, in a huge house). My brain was just hammering out that we need to stop him, we need to stop him. We ran out of car and towards the closed gate (about six of us) and started ringing like crazy. Nothing came out of the speaker. Most of the people with me were older than me, but they were terrified. They kept saying they should go back and that the others would come with “real” help, they were really nervous, they wanted to leave really bad.

Call me crazy, maybe I am, but I just felt that we couldn’t leave him there. It was a weird feeling, because it was kind of against common sense, since the gate wasn’t opening and he wasn’t answering through the speaker. Everyone was increasingly uncomfortable and decided to “go back and see if the others are coming with help”. I kept saying no, we should stay, but even my close friends with me (some in my grade) decided to leave. They snapped that fine, my fault, and before I knew it the two cars were gone. I kept ringing insistently. I really don’t know what was over me; I was shaking and kept ringing and ringing. Only once I looked behind me at the empty street (blocks away from the nearest house) and suddenly became very scared being there alone, looked back at the gate and waited for a while. After about half an hour, all the time I was shaking, I almost screamed when I heard the speaker beep and his voice come out. It was so unreal, it sounded so empty, I can’t explain it. He could see me through the little camera.

At first it was as if he couldn’t believe it, he kept going “Vera. Vera?” and then he said “Go away. Go away. Go away Vera. Go away NOW Vera. Go *beeping* away”. I kept telling him to open the gate, to talk to me, anything to make more time till the others came back. Then the speaker went silent and I suddenly realized that the others weren’t really coming back. It was a horrible feeling, but I knew those people and I knew it. They had made up excuses, they wanted to be “comfortable”, watch from a distance. I couldn’t believe they had left me there, the youngest of the group, a girl, alone, just because they were cowards. I mean he’s THEIR friend, they’re 18 and 19 year olds, and they left because they were uncomfortable and nervous and preferred to “stay out of it”.

I rang a couple more times and then it started to rain. Pour, really hard. I was soaked in three seconds, but there wasn’t really anywhere I could go. But it was as if all I cared about was to hear him talk again, to know there was still time. It must have been an hour or more since I had come there, and I was just praying out loud to myself (through the pouring rain I could barely hear my voice) and I was cold (I only had capris and a t-shirt on), but I just kept repeating Hail Mary’s. It all seemed unreal, as if I was watching it. My heart skipped a beat when he picked up again. He started cursing at me, telling me to “*beep* go away to where you *beep* came from”. I kept talking to him. I repeated several times I wasn’t going anywhere; I was going to stay there all night by the gate. Then he hung up. It was probably another hour, and I was just huddling at the gate, not believing the others had left me here and hadn’t come back and worried sick, (I felt really sick) about what was going on in there. I tried not to blame them for leavinng, but it’s hard when you’re freezing and standing in front of the house of a friend who wants to kill himself, and already could have. The rain had stopped but it was still drizzling.

That was when one of the cars came back, but still no real help. I was too shook up to ask why, I just went to the car where a friend had a laptop and was trying to use a wireless connection to reach her e-mail, where she had saved contact information to call his parents or relatives.

I’m not clear why I thought of this, but I opened a window (the internet kept freezing) in Hotmail and wrote Jacob an e-mail asking him to PLEASE pray and post a prayer request on PM. I was so desperate, I kept praying inwardly he would get the e-mail, then I wrote another short one, left the windows open and asked one of the people in the car to send it whenever they got a working internet connection. The car was behind one of the big Sunset trees, not visible from the house. They asked me when the last time was that I’d heard of him, I said about an hour ago, and they saw me shivering uncontrollably and told me to get back into the car, that it was too late and not in our hands. I ran to give one more buzz when he picked up. I was so glad, it’s undescribable. My head was spinning. He said he would let me in, but if he saw anyone else come (…) he didn’t finish the thought.

The guys in the car thought it was insane, so did I, but being strange as I am and seriously acting as if I was in a dream I went through the gate when it opened. I walked up the driveway and the he opened the door. He looked horrible, pale and something in his eyes was dead. The only thing that made me bring myself to walk into the house was the thought of the other guys standing right behind the tree next to the open gate, out of sight but ready to charge in whenever needed. John didn’t notice when I kept the door from closing with my foot so the other guys could come in when needed. The door opened into a living room, and my heart was just beating so hard, I was thinking that I was here with a suicidal person, someone who could have a gun (we didn’t know how he wanted to kill himself). He started pacing briskly, and then talking. I was shaking so bad (my legs) that I sat down. My head was hammering, and praying somehow for him, and I heard the guys moving in closer to the door behind me, but John didn’t.

I quietly asked him why he wanted to take his life. For the next, it must have been twenty minutes, he talked, always pacing. It was strange, as he is the type of person who doesn’t open up to people. He talked about his parents, who were rarely home, about his schoolwork and how he never seemed to be really good at something, about how he had friends but felt there was nothing in it. His voice was somehow strangled and empty and dead. He talked about how during summer he couldn’t face another school year and the pressure to get into college, and how he had decided to kill himself by an over dosage of a drug or poison.

He said he had been close to it all afternoon, sometimes taking it into his hands, but he said he couldn’t. Because I was standing outside. He said he tried to make me go away, but he saw me there for hours in the rain, and every time he tried to take the drugs he couldn’t, thinking of me outside there, saying I wouldn’t go away. I listened to all of this, it seemed it was all I could do, just listen (I don’t think I could talk anyway), and it seemed it was all that he wanted. He was breaking up, crying. I hadn’t stopped shaking, and this somehow scared me bad, to see him cry. I had never seen someone like him, a “tough guy”, an 18 year old, actually show much emotion. He kept brushing away tears angrily and talking. When he stopped I started talking slowly, carefully picking words. I don’t even know exactly what I said. He slowly seemed to be calming down, he stopped pacing and eventually sat down. In one of the pauses he looked up sharply and asked, in a voice that scared me “Do you believe in God?”. And after a short pause I said yes. I still wonder why he asked that.

He looked angry, stood up and started pacing again, and spread out all the suffering etc and why there wasn’t a God. Then all the details of his broken family. He said how his dad never talked to him to say anything. We had both stood up when he asked me whether I believed in God, and were standing, and I asked him “Well, do YOU ever talk to him?”

I had struck a raw nerve without realizing it, he suddenly looked furious and I was about to run out the door when he slapped me, hard. I was too surprised, shocked, to notice it hurt. That was when the guys charged in, along with several grown-ups. John just sat down and let them start talking to him. I just stood at the door, no one said anything to me, and couldn’t take it anymore, I left. That’s when I suddenly strongly felt the answering of prayers. What are the odds of me, a nobody, a dumb 15 year-old, stopping someone like HIM from killing himself by standing outside, somehow succeeding. It was prayer, me all those hours in front of the gate, and all of you praying (if) Jacob posted it, which I later found out he did.

I got into the car and the second I sat down I was somehow just drained, really exhausted, and dizzy. We drove back in silence to my friend’s house, where there were about 5 of us (girls). They were all relieved about John, a little shocked, all saying “close call”. They said they needed some “romantic comedy” to “cheer them up” and put in “Along came Polly”. I just felt so unlike myself, I said in a choked voice I was going to take a walk and went outside. I didn’t understand how anyone could watch a movie after what had happened. Alicia lives on the beach, so I went through the garden gate onto the sand and sat down and just stared at the ocean for a while. The sand was wet and there was not much moonlight, I don’t know why I noticed that. My head was reeling. I heard something behind me and the voice of Karmen, another friend, saying she needed to talk.

I didn’t think I could speak, but I nodded and she started telling me about how her mom had called her again that morning and had shouted at her and said horrible things about her dad, ending with her saying “You’re not my daughter” and hanging up. Karmen’s parents are divorced, her mom used to hit her so she lives with her dad now, and her mom calls her just to insult her. Karmen was crying as she told me this, and I was just patting her head, not trusting myself to speak. After a pause after her story, she wiped her face and said she was going back, “Thanks for always listening”. I just pulled my knees up and rested my head on my arms when she left. When I heard someone else coming, calling my name (this time John’s best friend) I felt like I was going to explode, like my head was about to burst if more people talked to me. I slowly stood up, and again I was shaking.

John’s best friend came and said they had taken him to his uncle’s house, who is also a doctor, and they’d keep us updated on how he did (he will be hospitalized, I don’t know details). Then he started telling me that I shouldn’t have gone, that I was stubborn, that I should know my place, that it was none of my business (I think he was ashamed that he hadn’t been there for his friend). That instead of helping I was just causing much more trouble and messing everything up. That I should go back to playing with dolls. And lastly that I thought I was “all *beep* that” and that I use my religion as something to hide behind, thinking myself a big hero. Insert certain curse words between every three words and you get the idea. I don’t think he knew how much he was hurting me. He stomped off and I felt so drained I just sort of collapsed into the sand, pulled my knees up and buried my head in my arms.

This is getting very very long. I just need to write it down.

I almost never cry. Not even as a kid Icried much. I would rather get angry. I have a horrible pride that doesn’t allow me to cry sometimes, I’d rather yell and slam doors. I decided long ago it doesn’t get me anywhere, crying, that I have to be strong. But when I was sitting there, I just realized how tired I am of being strong, not only for myself but for all my friends. All of my friends see me as a rock, I listen to all their problems (so many come from broken families like Karmen), I try to help them all, listening to them and comforting them through talking, e-mail, phone. They all trust me so much, too much. When my grandfather died, when my mom’s best friend died of cancer, all through moving to different countries, I’ve always been the “strong one”, my family holds on to me when they need it, I am like assurance “everything will be okay”. That’s why when my grandfather died, etc, although I was only 11, I didn’t let myself cry until I was alone, because it would have taken away from me being there for my parents and brothers. I was sitting there and I felt all their problems, John’s problems, Karmen’s problems, all my friend;s High School problems crushing me. I couldn’t keep all this bottled up inside, I just couldn’t be strong anymore. And for once in my life, I completely let go, broke down and cried.

It’s hard to talk about this, it goes against the whole image I had of myself being too strong to cry, but it all just flowed out. I sobbed and cried and just let it out. I cried for guys like John, so young but so fed up with life they’re willing to take their own. I cried for his parents. I cried for Karmen, for her parents who hated each other so much, for her and her brother caught in the middle, going down the slope of High School peer pressure as an escape. I cried for them all trusting me so much, seeing me as more than human, not realizing the toll it takes on me to be so strong for them.

And then I cried about myself. I cried about my unbelievable selfishness. I mean, I actually think it’s a cross to bear when my parents ground me for finding a catholic pamphlet in my school books, or when I have to wait till they’re asleep to get my rosary from under my mattress, or when they make fun of me for not wanting to miss Mass, when I try not to suffer when they are disappointed in me for chosing to be catholic. A cross? A CROSS?

It’s like paradise compared to these teens. I have my mother, my father, my brothers who love me so much. I am really not wanting to brag, just to say this so you understand, but I am talented in so many things, have so many things in my life going for me. I love life itself so unbelievably much, it was like a wake-up call realizing someone would actually want to throw it away. It seems like I was so selfish thinking I had any type of problems when in reality my life is like a fairy tale and I’m so arrogant and egoistic as to think my life’s not easy. That’s why I kept crying, for my own selfishness at considering my own tiny problems problems at all, I cried for not being able to help friends like that better, for being unable to prevent people I know from doing drugs, getting drunk, loosing their virginity, going in a circle of abuse. I cried for not having seen John’s problems before. God has blessed me so much, with so many things, and I have a hard time dealing with really really stupid things like wishing my parents were Catholic and I didn’t have to hide it 24/7, like wishing I had Catholic friends, like wishing I lived close to someone who understands me. How ungrateful can someone actually get. It was like I had been flying around and had fallen to earth. Into reality, really. I had woken up to what some people actually deal with, and I saw how naïve I had been before.

This is really really hard to write down, to admit all this, but I felt like I was completely alone and everyone expects me to be there for them, to be so strong, and they don’t realize I’m just 15 and as human and vulnerable as them. I am very sensitive sometimes, I hate it but I get hurt by words very easily, and to hear all this and not be able to help kills me. It was as if a plug had been pulled. Usually my “natural vivacity” as some people say keeps me from feeling vulnerable. This must sound so incredibly stupid, but I’m still to shook up to look at this from the outside. I don’t know for how long I sat sobbing on the beach, but I went back and went to bed on the air mattress, facing the wall, my back to my friend’s chatter and their asking questions to me about what happened with John. I just pretended to be asleep but didn’t go to sleep until 5 in the morning. I slept 2 hours and was wide awake again, and I was given a ride home at 8.

When I came home my mom had left this long list of chores to do while she showed an Uruguayan friend the city. I was glad she wasn’t there, I needed to think and calm down. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I packed my brother’s sleep-over bags, made the beds, cooked them lunch, vacuumed the house, washed the windows, did piles of laundry. I was so glad to have something steady, mind-numbing to do. My mom’s friend came to our house for dinner tonight and the second my mom came home she noticed something was wrong. I must have looked horrible. I said I felt sick and went upstairs. And here I am, writing this. I have barely said a word today and haven’t eaten anything, I can’t. I think I’ll be fine, I just need some days to let myself settle. I’m probably making way too much of a deal out of this, blame it on me being sheltered in a way and coming to my senses with a start.

Deep breaths. I somehow managed to turn a post about John into a post about me.

What I did must sound like the dumbest thing in the history of the planet, acting on impulse, not being careful, and I’ll never ever do something like that ever again. I am ashamed even to post this, you’ll probably tell me how stupid that was. And it’s also probably not that big a deal. Most of you are adults, have seen more and have bigger problems, this must seem small. I just needed to write to clear my mind. I hope you don’t think worse of me for being so selfish and just messed up.

I love you all so much. It was when my friends abandoned me at the gate that I realized how much I’ve always wished I lived closer to some of you I talk to. I can’t thank you enough for praying. Jacob, I can’t say how grateful I am for your e-mails, and for posting it on PM. All of you who prayed, thank you."

God Bless You many times over,

Vera

Edited August 11, 2004 by VeraMaria

[Iacobus]

I just replied to you via email.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

You did the right thing, Vera, by staying. If he had seen you all there and then saw you all leave, he probably would've felt abandoned and gone through with it.

[cmotherofpirl]

Dear God!
Vera, you are one incredible child of God.
You have been to the Garden of Gethsemene and stood at the foot of His cross.

He has given you great gifts of heart and soul, but please remember you are still a little one, though great in His eyes.

Matthew 5:10: "Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. "Blessed are you when men revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.
Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so men persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Edited August 11, 2004 by cmotherofpirl

[VeraMaria]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Aug 11 2004, 02:40 PM'] You did the right thing, Vera, by staying. If he had seen you all there and then saw you all leave, he probably would've felt abandoned and gone through with it. [/quote]
I don't know. It was God all through it, because I was scared, more than I've ever been in my life, but somehow felt I had to stay. If I had known what was coming I don;t know if I would have gone through with it.

I got so many e-mails from people who were there, and they all think I'm off celebrating somewhere, patting myself on the back. When in truth I wasn't even able to sleep because I feel I'll have nightmares. Many are angry at me.

I just feel like nothing will be the same and I don't understand anything anymore.

[Carrie]

You did the right thing, not the easy thing.


God Bless you!

[Paladin D]

To echo Raphael and Cmom, you did the right thing. If it weren't for you, John may have committed suicide. I don't know what else to say, pretty speechless.

[Iacobus]

John's friend was a jerk to you Vera. If you left and John killed himself his friend you have gone pyscho on you. You stayed and save John and they friend got mad. Let him think about it, he should come to his senses soon.

Just give it time. And it is always better to lose a friendship than to lose a friend.

[homeschoolmom]

[quote name='Iacobus' date='Aug 11 2004, 01:21 PM'] And it is always better to lose a friendship than to lose a friend. [/quote]
amen...

[Philippe]

Vera u are so amazing, words cant even say how holy and perserverant u are. only someone as truly strong as you can do it. your real strength is in your emotion, you cared so much for these people that u burst out in tears! that is strength. Dont ever doubt yourself and your strength and holyness. You have changed the world by saving John's life but this is only the beggining. God put people like you on Earth to change it and i have no doubt that you will!

never ever tell yourself that wat u did was wrong because if it werent for you this world would be in a bigger mess then it already is

God Bless you Vera!

- Philippe

[homeschoolmom]

Now Phazzan's going to really want to marry you...

[theculturewarrior]

Vera...maybe you should pray for us next time. You seem to be pretty close to God.

(No joke...the more I learn about you, the more I respect you.)

[Thy Geekdom Come]

[quote name='theculturewarrior' date='Aug 11 2004, 02:40 PM'] Vera...maybe you should pray for us next time. You seem to be pretty close to God.

(No joke...the more I learn about you, the more I respect you.) [/quote]
Yeah...a lot of people on Phatmass are like that, but Vera takes the cake...

The more I hang around here, the more unworthy I find myself...

[VeraMaria]

[quote name='Raphael' date='Aug 11 2004, 03:42 PM'] Yeah...a lot of people on Phatmass are like that, but Vera takes the cake...

The more I hang around here, the more unworthy I find myself... [/quote]
[quote]Vera...maybe you should pray for us next time. You seem to be pretty close to God.

(No joke...the more I learn about you, the more I respect you.) [/quote]

No. You see, you all waaay overestimate me. I am not amazing. I didn't do anything amazing, it really was all God, I am not kidding, if it had been up to me, I don't know what would have happened.

I don't know, it's ME who feels unworthy to be with you all. You seem so organized, so set. You have a regular prayer life, you don't miss Mass on Sundays, those of you who are CA's (most of you) have gone to lots of retreats, Steubenville Conferences, some of you have gone to WYD. It's just all so perfect.

You are so awesome, you know so much, you totally live your faith, and I just make a mess out of things, I'm serious. That's why I feel uncomfortable when anyone praises me, you seem to think so much of me and I really don't deserve it, and I don't live up to it.

I don't think I make any sense. I need sleep.

[theculturewarrior]

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should...Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.