Approaching discernment as a convert from a non-Catholic family

[LaPieta]

I can't believe how fortunate I have been to find this amazing community! I've learned so much about religious life just by reading through the posts on the Vocation Station, which has only made me want to pursue it all the more. I was hoping you all could dispense some sage advice on my current situation.

My background: I come from a non-denominational, culturally Christian family. I never felt much attachment to my faith, and after a series of deep personal struggles as I was entering into my teenage years, I began to consider myself agnostic. During my senior year of high school, I became interested in Catholicism, which I consider a mercy shown to me by the Blessed Mother -- the message of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the equality of all people before God, was incredibly touching to me. From there I became fascinated by Catholic Social Teaching. The idea that Christians have a moral obligation to provide food to the hungry, drink to the thirsty, hospitality to the stranger, clothing to the needy, care to the sick, and so forth was foreign to the Christianity in which I was raised. I loved it, and for the first time I experienced true faith. I knew with all my being that the Gospel was true, and that the words contained in it had become incarnate in Jesus Christ, who offered himself up to death on the cross out of love for humanity. I felt such a strong sense of God's presence that I couldn't pray without crying tears of joy.

I would have started RCIA that year, and the thought of having to wait eighteen months before I could be baptized and received into the Church was agonizing. But I decided the most prudent thing to do would be to wait until I went off to college; at this point, I had no idea how my parents would react if I told them about all of this, and I was honestly worried that they would think I had gone crazy. I prayed for the grace to persevere, and thanks be to God, I did. I went through RCIA at my university parish, making great friends and meeting so many faithful young Catholics serious about the faith. I was officially received into the Church at the 2024 Easter Vigil.

Throughout this time, I also felt attracted to religious life. I would spend hours lost in research about different orders and communities. It’s like this irresistible magnetic pull, and ever since Easter it’s gotten stronger. The plans I once had for my future – finishing my degree, going on to grad school, and becoming a researcher – now look like mere straw to me. I prayed to God and told Him that I was His if only he would give me the courage to enter religious life. 

Right now, it’s summer break, so I’m living at home. Unfortunately, that means I don’t have access to my university parish and daily Mass, adoration, guidance from priests or pastoral counselors, etc. I’m using this time to try to strengthen my prayer life and come up with a plan for discernment. So far, this is what I have:

1. Now–End of Summer: Pray, continue to learn about religious life, research communities and make a short list of those I want to visit

2. Fall semester: Talk to priests at the university parish (it’s run by Dominicans, so they know a thing or two) and go to the community for support/advice. Start going on discernment/vocation retreats.

3. Spring 2025–Spring 2026 or 2027: Keep visiting communities, maintain contact with them, and hopefully discover which one I’m being called to. Finish degree and begin aspirancy/postulancy. 

Practically and financially speaking, I think this is completely feasible. My school gave me a generous scholarship package, so my tuition and living expenses are covered. On top of that, I have a work-study job with a stipend that has allowed me to save up ~$5,000 just in my first year, and I’m working a decently-paying job this summer, so I will be able to afford traveling to visit different communities. I started college with a lot of transfer credits from high school, so I can finish my degree in three years and graduate early. Alternatively, If my spiritual director or community decides it would be best to wait and graduate in four years to allow more time between when I entered the Church and when I enter religious life, that would not be a financial burden thanks to my scholarship.

Really, the biggest obstacle I can see for this plan is that I’m so worried about how my parents will take this news. They were surprised when I told them I was converting in August of 2023, but they came around pretty quickly. They’re cordial about it, and they’ll ask me how Mass went when I get back from church on Sundays, my mom offered to get me a rosary as a baptism gift (by that time, I had already amassed a small army of them LOL), things like that. 

But coming from a thoroughly Protestant background, they have pretty much zero frame of reference for religious life. I’m worried they’ll react to it as if I were planning on joining a cult or a commune or something. And I’m worried they’ll think I’m throwing away my potential: they know I previously had dreams of becoming a researcher and doing what I could to make the world a better place. I conceive of religious life as a direct expression of that desire to help people, but I don’t know that they’ll see it that way. I don’t want them to feel like I’m abandoning them. The community I feel most drawn to right now would allow me to go home for two weeks a year. But we’re a pretty tight-knit family, and I’m worried they’ll think that’s not enough. On top of all that, I have no idea how I would even approach all of this with my extended family, who are largely Baptist and in which there are zero other Catholics.

No matter what happens, I’m determined to start seriously visiting communities and discerning if/where I might be called this year. But I want to make this as painless for my family as possible. I love them and I know they want what’s best for me; the question is, how do I help them understand that religious life might be just that? I would greatly appreciate any advice you all might have. Thank you so much and God bless you all! <3

[Nunsuch]

Welcome. Just one point of information that you may not be aware of. Most communities require converts to be practicing Catholics for at least 2-3 years before they will consider them as candidates. Keep that in mind as you begin to inquire into particular communities. 

 

[LaPieta]

Thank you, Nunsuch! It will take me at least two more years to complete my degree, and if the community would like me to have been practicing for three years, I can stay for an additional year. I am slightly worried that, on paper, it might look like I'm rushing into religious life; when I start going to come and see events, I will have been practicing for ~6 months. I'm hoping that I would be able to explain my situation a little more to a vocations director if that turns out to be the case. All that being said, I think the requirement to wait a few years is a prudent thing for communities to do. There's already so much formation needed to grow into religious life without having to teach postulants the ropes of being Catholic on top of that! 

For anyone else who comes across this post, I found a thread from several years ago where several users shared their experiences of their parents opposing their vocation. That's not quite my situation (yet?), but I was happy to commiserate vicariously with some fellow converts! :)

[kmbrei]

Hi LaPieta, God bless you for your willingness to follow Jesus. I have dealt with family over the last year or so that can't quite figure out if they're supportive of my discernment or not - one moment my mother is telling me she will never support me in any way in doing this, the next she says she'd be super proud if I did end up devoting my life to God. What she hasn't quite figured out is that I'm going to devote my life to God whether in the world or in the convent, lol. I think for parents, there's a lot of complicated emotions and worries that come up when we start our journeys with God, especially if they aren't Catholic.

I think right now it's best to just take things one step at a time. Your heart is on fire for the Lord and that's amazing, but most of the time what makes our parents nervous is if they feel we are jumping into something quite extreme without proper thought or preparation. If you just focus on following God through your journey and showing them how he continues to transform your heart, no matter where you end up, that will help, I think. I think also something that has helped my parents a lot is showing them that I am open to the idea that what God really has in mind for me may not be what I think it is - it brings them comfort that I am not going to force my way into doing something that I am not being called to. 

In any case, Jesus has perfect timing, and your path will become clear to you as you go along. We should all pray for our parents during this time as well, that their hearts will also be turned to God with ours. Enjoy this time as you start your journey with God. One of the things us cradle Catholics don't really get to experience is the very same journey you are on! 

[Lea]

Hi!
As a more-or-less cradle catholic (baptized as a baby but not raised in the faith) I would tell you two things:
1) take a breath. I've seen a lot onverts (most of them, actually) consider religious life/ priesthood during and right after their conversion, probably, because it sometimes comes across as the more radical way to follow Christ. You might as well be called to marriage or single life (or consecrated virginity). But it seems you have put a lot of thought and prayer into it already. :)
2) Be prepared for surprises, God's plan and timing is often very different from ours :D 
Which also is true for possible reactions from family members. I was scared to death to tell my "only entering churches for concerts" type mother that I was discerning religious life (because of her reaction a few years prior when I volunteered with sisters) and kept it a secret from her for years. But when I already was in the process of appliing for postulancy and finally worked up the courage to tell her, she reacted surprisingly relaxed and now even thinks it's cool. 
While my practising catholic father doesn't even want to come to my entrance into the noviciate, should it take place after all. 

God bless!

[LaPieta]

On 6/17/2024 at 7:52 PM, kmbrei said:

Hi LaPieta, God bless you for your willingness to follow Jesus. I have dealt with family over the last year or so that can't quite figure out if they're supportive of my discernment or not - one moment my mother is telling me she will never support me in any way in doing this, the next she says she'd be super proud if I did end up devoting my life to God. What she hasn't quite figured out is that I'm going to devote my life to God whether in the world or in the convent, lol. I think for parents, there's a lot of complicated emotions and worries that come up when we start our journeys with God, especially if they aren't Catholic.

I think right now it's best to just take things one step at a time. Your heart is on fire for the Lord and that's amazing, but most of the time what makes our parents nervous is if they feel we are jumping into something quite extreme without proper thought or preparation. If you just focus on following God through your journey and showing them how he continues to transform your heart, no matter where you end up, that will help, I think. I think also something that has helped my parents a lot is showing them that I am open to the idea that what God really has in mind for me may not be what I think it is - it brings them comfort that I am not going to force my way into doing something that I am not being called to. 

In any case, Jesus has perfect timing, and your path will become clear to you as you go along. We should all pray for our parents during this time as well, that their hearts will also be turned to God with ours. Enjoy this time as you start your journey with God. One of the things us cradle Catholics don't really get to experience is the very same journey you are on! 

Hello, kmbrei! I actually just saw your post about preparing to enter a convent: congratulations, and may God guide you on your journey! Yes, I can definitely see how having a child discerning religious life would be a hard thing for any parent to navigate, even a Catholic one -- in a way, it might seem like they're "losing" the child in the sense that they no longer have constant access to them and are usually limited to visiting just a few times a year. That being said, I've heard enough anecdotal evidence that I think parents and other loved ones can often sense it if their child has a vocation. Now that I think of it, my younger sister's reaction when she found out I was becoming Catholic was "Are you going to be a nun?" 

Your point about showing my parents rather than telling them is really helpful, because that's generally been my strategy in trying to help them come to terms with my faith. The more time that goes by and the more I grow spiritually, the more they can see that I'm not a completely changed person, just a much-improved version of who I was before! I'm hopeful that the same principle will apply to discernment. If I can show them that I haven't lost my mind -- I'm a little fearful that this will be their initial reaction -- with time they might be able to see that this is God's will for me (if indeed that's the case).

For me, the idea of religious life is kind of like a magnet. In my early days of the conversion process, I thought it was fascinating, but that there was no way I would be cut out for it. So I would leave it there and go on with my life. A month or two might pass, and I would come across a mention of nuns or religious sisters, and the fascination would start up again -- I don't want to know how many hours I've spent perusing communities' websites when I probably should have been doing school work instead. So the seeds have been planted for a while now, but since being baptized, confirmed, and receiving Our Lord in the Blessed Sacrament, I have felt a continual, more-or-less uninterrupted pull to religious life., to the point that I don't know if I could find fulfillment without entering a community. This seems to me to be a great blessing, because it has pushed me to spend lots of time in prayer and on getting to know Jesus and myself.

I think that as Catholics, we all have our crosses. Most of my cradle Catholic friends tell me that they had long periods as teenagers and young adults when they took their faith for granted, or that they had very poor catechesis growing up, or that they had negative experiences in Catholic schools that pushed them away from the Church. As a convert, I'll never have to bear any of these. I have my own set of challenges related to being a Catholic, lovingly granted to me by the Lord so that through various trials I could learn that He will always deliver me and I can trust in Him fully. He gives the same grace to cradle Catholics, so that our crosses look different, but our ultimate reliance on Him is the same. This is what being a universal Church is all about.

I'm kind of rambling now, but I wanted to thank you for your comment. It's given me a lot to reflect on! Please know that you will be in my prayers, and peace be with you!