Religious life is hard….but so is marriage?

[KaytePost]

As someone who has mental illness and feels called to religious life, my journey has not be easy. One thing that continually bothers me is communities turn me away because of my health stating the reason that religious life is hard. But isn’t marriage ridiculously hard as well? Aren’t all vocations hard, kind of being the point of making us holy and ready for the heavenly banquet? I’m not bothered by being turned away in general (the Lords will be done) , but this specific reason just seems to grate on me a lot. I guess I wish more VDs expressed a deeper capacity to cite why it’s uniquely hard given my circumstances. Anyone able to expand for me? 

[Lady Grey, Hot]

I can't offer an explanation, but I can commiserate. I had a community which, upon hearing I tend toward OCD, declined to be in further touch with me on the grounds that "In a convent, things are done a certain way, and we wouldn't want that to make things more difficult for you." Truth be told, as someone with the inside track on my own idiosyncrasies, I'm betting that being in an environment where "things are done a certain way" would be beneficial for me.

[BarbTherese]

Any vocation and call at all will have sufficient in it to make a great saint and that includes suffering.  The Lord sees to that with those faithful to Him, no matter their road in life. We even have a saint who was a beggar.   I had all bar one secular institute turn me down due to bipolar.    The Leaven Carmelite OCDS secular institute did not turn me down but wanted at least one visit to Ireland - impossible financially for me.

But I certainly found my niche in private vows (evangelical counsels) in the Laity.  It is no easy road for sure and I dont think any vocation will be - "No Christ without His Cross".  Graced spiritual growth can certainly transform suffering in my sufferings into Joy and Peace in any suffering.   That does not mean one does not feel suffering at times, but it does mean Joy and Peace nevertheless.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

2 hours ago, KaytePost said:

. I guess I wish more VDs expressed a deeper capacity to cite why it’s uniquely hard given my circumstances. Anyone able to expand for me? 

I think it just might be due to stereotyping - a general difficulty in The Church as well to understand the huge variety of symptoms and degree.  Stigma can come into it too.  Also, if one considers the three quite general dispositions indicating vocation, then the answer might become clearer:

1. Attraction to the life
2. Qualities necessary for the life
3. Acceptance into the life

Sufferers of mental illness can have a difficult and rather often  unique path in life, plagued as we can be with cruel stigmatizing and stereotyping.                             

Edited April 10, 2023 by BarbTherese

[Nunsuch]

I have no expertise in psychology, mental illness, or anything of that sort. BUT--neither do a lot of communities of sisters, including (especially?) enclosed ones. Would they have the personnel and gifts to be supportive of someone with mental illness of any sort? Perhaps their turning some people down is more reflective of their own recognition of their limitations (individual and collective), rather than of the attributes of the applicant.

I know that most congregations require extensive psychological as well as other medical screenings. This is perhaps one reason why. Given limited personnel resources and limited financial wherewithal, communities need to be very honest about what they can and cannot do. 

DIfferent communities will have different criteria and so on, so it may be that someone who is determined not to be a suitable candidate for one group may well be accepted by another.

[BarbTherese]

20 minutes ago, Nunsuch said:

I have no expertise in psychology, mental illness, or anything of that sort. BUT--neither do a lot of communities of sisters, including (especially?) enclosed ones. Would they have the personnel and gifts to be supportive of someone with mental illness of any sort? Perhaps their turning some people down is more reflective of their own recognition of their limitations (individual and collective), rather than of the attributes of the applicant.

I know that most congregations require extensive psychological as well as other medical screenings. This is perhaps one reason why. Given limited personnel resources and limited financial wherewithal, communities need to be very honest about what they can and cannot do. 

DIfferent communities will have different criteria and so on, so it may be that someone who is determined not to be a suitable candidate for one group may well be accepted by another.

Really good points.

  Sadly however, and only my quite limited experience, my applications and inquiries were turned down due to my lacking, not the community. Refusal was all about me.  My applications did leave me with a feeling of not good enough and a bit of a blow/let down on a few levels.  It depends on how a refusal is handled I think and on that can depend difficulty, or lack of major difficulty anyway, in discovering where one is called.  I had had a lot of reading, reflecting and praying to do over years to find my place.  I didn't get any help from priestly (or other) spiritual direction either (my incredible priest religious theologian confessor spiritual director pre and post bipolar onset, then divorce and annulment) had died after many years indeed directing me - too long a story with too much water under the bridge).  He said to me once "I do think you have a religious vocation, but only God knows what it is".  It took me a long time to expand my concepts of religious life or living having accidentally stumbled over something in the Catholic Catechism.

[GraceUk]

I can understand why communities are reluctant to accept people with mental health issues. Out in the world there are distractions. Meeting up with friends for meals, going on holiday treating yourself to new clothes whenever you like and so on. This wouldnt usually be possible in a community. . Then there is the effect on the other members. I think community living might make the issues worse. And getting appropriate treatment could be costly. 

[gloriana35]

@Nunsuch "Would they have the personnel and gifts to be supportive of someone with mental illness of any sort? Perhaps their turning some people down is more reflective of their own recognition of their limitations (individual and collective), rather than of the attributes of the applicant."

That is an excellent reflection - and I do hope it is true. 

Years ago, one community I approached had a superior tell me that they don't accept anyone who'd been in psychotherapy, because 'someone mature enough for religious life would know it is not a perfect world.' That is one of the most ignorant, distorted viewpoints I've ever seen, but it is painful when it is said about one's self. I don't know why she hadn't just written back that they didn't accept such cases - she had me travel two hours each way, and grilled me all afternoon with other questions, when she knew this was the 'wind up.'

[Nunsuch]

20 minutes ago, gloriana35 said:

 

Years ago, one community I approached had a superior tell me that they don't accept anyone who'd been in psychotherapy, because 'someone mature enough for religious life would know it is not a perfect world.' That is one of the most ignorant, distorted viewpoints I've ever seen, but it is painful when it is said about one's self. I don't know why she hadn't just written back that they didn't accept such cases - she had me travel two hours each way, and grilled me all afternoon with other questions, when she knew this was the 'wind up.'

That's really not good. Frankly, I think you were fortunate NOT to enter that community! How sad. But someone with mental illness who did enter such a community would almost certainly not find it spiritually rewarding or life-giving.