How do you deal with prayer when it causes intense anxiety?

[Lady Grey, Hot]

The mere thought of praying is often enough to drive me to tears. I have this really intense regret about not having done it at all consistently when I was younger, and I can’t shake the feeling that it just doesn’t matter at this point. I can’t turn things around. I've already screwed up in a way I can’t undo, and I find it impossible not to beat myself up over that.

When I was last in confession, the priest told me God would not want me to do something that was going to harm me, so the thing to do is to address the source of my anxiety about it with my therapist so I can get to a point where I can pray again. But I’m not comfortable using that as a get-out-of-jail-free card. I know exactly what the source of the anxiety is, and since it’s not something that I can fix or that will get better with time, I think it’s logical to conclude that the problem is more or less permanent. But I can’t just never pray again, or I’ll be sinning. How do I cope with it?

[fides' Jack]

I'd try binding prayers.  If prayer itself is something that causes you anxiety, there's at least a minimal possibility that someone or something does not want you to be praying.  So pray anyway, and specifically ask for that to be lifted, whether it's diabolical or psychological in origin.  At the very least, it's worth trusting God more than the therapist.

[Archaeology cat]

I don’t have wisdom here, but will pray for you

[tinytherese]

There's no minimum requirement for how much we should pray daily. It can be as simple as telling God that we love Him. In the meantime you can say something like, "Lord, I wish I could pray more, but feel anxious. Please heal me of this." You can offer your suffering up for an intention such as the conversion of sinners, souls in Purgatory, Ukraine, etc.

Do you know of any spiritual directors? My diocese has a list of them. Maybe yours does. If not, then perhaps write to a community of nuns or monks. They might give you advice. A retreat center is a resource as well. Another option is this virtual spiritual director. https://amandazurface.com/contact

I recommend reading "Give up Worry for Lent" by Gary Zimak. (You don't have to wait for the liturgical season. Just read the reflection for each day.)

You might have scrupulosity. https://scrupulousanonymous.org/

On 9/22/2022 at 4:05 PM, fides' Jack said:

At the very least, it's worth trusting God more than the therapist.

We should trust God more than anyone, but He can still speak to us through therapists.

https://catholiccounselors.com/about-us/

https://www.catholicpsych.com/about-us

https://www.catholictherapists.com/

Divine Mercy University has a good reputation preparing mental health professionals. https://divinemercy.edu/

 

You can find therapists of other Christian denominations, some of which offer Christian therapy. Even ones without religious affiliations can be good. Anyone worth their salt will respect your religious beliefs.

[Lea]

Maybe you can try more or less different types of prayer, like immersing yourself in a Bach cantata (if thats a kind of music you enjoy) or different religious kinds of art, maybe you can just be present while others pray (maybe also for you and your intentions), maybe you can sit in a church and try to take a few deep breaths in order to calm down, thinking of whatever, but still (knowingly) in God's presence in a special way. Whatever works for you - good luck!

I think it was Thomas Merton who said "The desire to please you does in fact please you". 

[mommas_boy]

Hi Lady Grey,

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I'll let you know that you aren't the first. Even Mother Theresa went through what you are going through, and it's OK.

Let me start by asking you a question: when you think of prayer, when you pray -- what do you do?

MB

[Lady Grey, Hot]

18 hours ago, mommas_boy said:

I'm sorry that you are going through this, and I'll let you know that you aren't the first. Even Mother Theresa went through what you are going through, and it's OK.

Let me start by asking you a question: when you think of prayer, when you pray -- what do you do?

I'm betting Mother Teresa at least stuck with it, though - and probably didn't have a rocky start to begin with.

Do you mean what do I actually do when the thought of prayer crosses my mind, or when I hear the word "prayer," what words/actions/etc. do I think of?

[mommas_boy]

4 hours ago, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I'm betting Mother Teresa at least stuck with it, though - and probably didn't have a rocky start to begin with.

Mother Theresa, and a great many Saints actually, went through a period that has come to be known as the "Dark Night of the Soul" [video by Bp. Robert Barron] in Catholic mysticism. Among the Saints, it is usually associated spiritual maturity. It is a sign that God believes that you are ready to move on from the "honeymoon stage" of feeling good in His company, and on to the question of, "Do you love Me because I make you feel good, or do you love Me because I am God?".

You can read more of Mother Theresa's story in the book of her compiled letters to her spiritual directors, "Come be My Light". Amazon's epitaph for the book reads, "If I ever become a Saint-- I will surely be one of 'darkness.' I will continually be absent from Heaven-- to light the light of those in darkness on earth." --Mother Teresa

Congratulations, young grasshopper. You have graduated to spiritual adulthood.

Quote

Do you mean what do I actually do when the thought of prayer crosses my mind, or when I hear the word "prayer," what words/actions/etc. do I think of?

The latter. My goal was to direct you to perhaps either consider alternate forms of prayer, or to change what feelings you associate with prayer.

However, I think that you would be better served by seeking in-person assistance. It can be more timely, and also, come from someone with better training than I. I would recommend that this assistance come from two sources, and certainly at least from one.

First, you should start with a Spiritual Director, just like Mother Theresa. This can be a priest, a sister, a deacon, or a lay person. However, I strongly recommend that you find someone who has received specialized training in Spiritual Direction. You don't want some random person off of the street or internet, like me, giving you spiritual direction.

Second, you should talk to your doctor about the possibility of depression, anxiety, or other mental illness. I'm not a doctor, and therefore I can't give you medical advice. I do make the medical decisions on disability cases for Social Security, and have, for a lay person, a very strong knowledge set. tinytherese's advice above is sound. Religious advice can never, and should never, take the place of medical advice. If you would like some self-screening tools, I can point you to some that doctors use regularly: this one for depression, and this one for anxiety. There are many others out there, but those two are used every day by real doctors. You can write down your scores and take them into your doctors and they will know what they mean. Those will help to narrow down for you: is this a spiritual thing, or is this a medical thing?

You should start both of these steps at the same time, as I have personally found both of them helpful for my spiritual and mental health.

[Lady Grey, Hot]

19 hours ago, mommas_boy said:

However, I think that you would be better served by seeking in-person assistance.

I'm quite sure I would. Unfortunately, that sort of help isn't readily accessible to me, or I wouldn't have turned to the Internet in the first place.

[mommas_boy]

1 hour ago, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I'm quite sure I would. Unfortunately, that sort of help isn't readily accessible to me, or I wouldn't have turned to the Internet in the first place.

I debated whether I ought to reply here, or privately via a DM. Ultimately, I decided to err on the side of helping subsequent readers, in addition to yourself.

Unfortunately, when you say that "that sort of help isn't readily accessible to [you]" ... I believe you. Much has been written on the topic of "healthcare deserts" in the media, with special attention paid to those healthcare deserts of the mental health variety.

But, there is still some hope. You need not just "help", but also "help to find help". Here's what I can recommend.

• Insurance Concierge: This is the phone number on the back of your insurance card. They should be able to connect you to a couple of places locally who take your insurance. Sometimes they work off of old data, though.
• Social Workers: You can find these folks at hospitals and other community centers. Some of them are actual counselors, sure. But for many of them, their sole job is to connect people with services in the community. Some of them go by the title of "Case Managers". Once they connect you with someone, you'll want to make sure that the provider that they connect you with takes your insurance.
• Internet Providers: These seem to be new with the onset of COVID. Obviously, since they're available on the internet, geographical location isn't an issue. Some take insurance, and others don't, so be wary.
  • BetterHelp comes to mind, but I know that they don't take insurance.
  • Others include Cerebral, Talkspace, Teladoc.
  • Forbes has a good list here.
  • Healthline, which as memory serves is a government website, has a good ranking here.
  • @tinytheresegave you a good list of Catholic or Christian providers above.
  • A quick Google search can return many more options.

[tinytherese]

Lots of mental health professionals work with clients throughout whatever state they live in over the phone or online like Zoom. Some even work on a sliding scale fee. You can find them on here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Edited October 6, 2022 by tinytherese

[chrysostom]

Sliding scale fee was incredibly helpful to me at one time. They're out there.

[Credo in Deum]

Could you maybe clarify for us what you think prayer should look like and what it means to be praying? 

[Lady Grey, Hot]

On 10/7/2022 at 3:04 PM, Credo in Deum said:

Could you maybe clarify for us what you think prayer should look like and what it means to be praying? 

I would say prayer ought, at the bare minimum, to be regular (probably the same time every day, if possible), disciplined, and directed towards God. Not to say that spontaneous prayer isn't prayer, but it's insufficient on its own - it should probably only be done in supplement to one's consistent "prayer life."

[Credo in Deum]

On 10/8/2022 at 5:19 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I would say prayer ought, at the bare minimum, to be regular (probably the same time every day, if possible), disciplined, and directed towards God. Not to say that spontaneous prayer isn't prayer, but it's insufficient on its own - it should probably only be done in supplement to one's consistent "prayer life."

I would tend to agree, so how is your desire to pray not a spontaneous prayer in itself? Just because you find it hard to complete your regimented prayers doesn't mean you're not praying.  Are you still speaking with God as you would a friend or father?  In my own life and past trauma and working towards holiness, I can see He's wanting me to realize that there is a God and I am not Him.  When I ask "how can I do something" I'm still in a sense relying on my own ability to bring about my holiness. I think God takes me to certain unobtainable moments in order for me to finally admit "I" can't do anything without Him.   In short, invite God to carry this cross of anxiety for you.  Admit your need of Him.   Then, ask Him for the confidence to surrender to Him and to let Him work it out in His time. 

Edited October 10, 2022 by Credo in Deum