Two minor existential crises

[Lady Grey, Hot]

I was raised in a Catholic household that never emphasized or talked about prayer. I think as a result of that, it’s never been a natural or important thing to me, and I have frequently neglected it. I’ve recognized this as a problem for years, but I have never done anything significant to address it - at least, nothing that stuck. I’ve never prayed consistently for more than a few weeks at a time. Part of me wants to fix the problem, but frankly, I’m struggling to find the motivation and discipline to give it another try. It feels like it’s too late. I can’t help but think that if I had had the discipline to get my life together five years ago, when I was still young, I could be so much further than I am. Maybe I’d have already figured out my vocation. Maybe some things that are problems now never would have become problems. Maybe I could have been something.  

Even if I start today, those are five years I’m never going to get back. I’m never going to catch up to everyone else. I can’t discern like everybody else is. I’m never going to have been consistently good, and I’m never going to be as holy as I could have been, so why bother at all? I see recent converts around my age who are so much further in their relationship with God than I am, and I know that I can never have that. I’m not going to have the opportunity to make exponential progress like them, because I should have been doing it right the whole time. I’ll always be behind, less than them and less than I could have been if I’d been better when I was younger. If I’d converted, maybe I could have gotten a clean slate, but I was raised Catholic, so I have no excuse to not to have been devout and faithful and good all along. 

I also suspect that if I were a convert, someone might be willing to help me. A number of encounters have suggested to me that no one in the Church wants to deal with me until I’ve been praying consistently - I’m not worth being accompanied or formed or helped until I reach that bar. I feel like I need help even to get there, but no one is willing to do that because I’m supposed to be able to figure it out on my own because I’ve been doing the Catholic thing my whole life. 

I also have a lot of other baggage about being a cradle Catholic. My sacraments seem like they were less special because I didn’t really appreciate them - being reminded of my Confirmation (especially my name, which probably offends the saint in question) upsets me horribly. Moreover, it feels like God didn’t even care enough to seek me out personally - I’m so insignificant to Him that He attended to the matter via proxy (and considering it was my dad’s side of the family that was Catholic, I don’t even want to start pondering the patriarchal undertones here). He gave me no choice. My “consent” means nothing to Him. I’m not a person to be encountered or won over or given the opportunity to exercise my reason. I’m just a box to be checked. How little He must think of me. 

I normally don’t go for the marital imagery, but I think it fits here: it’s like I’m trapped in this loveless marriage which I had no say in entering into and which I can’t get out of. Even if I get with the program and decide to do my duty, it’s never going to be because God loved me and I loved Him, or because He chose me and I chose Him. It’s just me doing what I have to do because I’m stuck in a situation I can’t remove myself from. I feel at once profoundly unchosen/unwanted and hamstrung in (if not totally deprived of) my ability to choose. 

And the worst part is that God doesn’t care that any of this bothers me. He’s just standing off to the side rolling His eyes and waiting for me to get over what He perceives as my temper tantrum.

[Luigi]

There's a lot in your post, and I can't address all of it, but I will pick up on the part about conversion, etc. 

I believe you're in the UK whereas I'm in the States, so I don't know the Church situation in the UK very well. But over here, we have the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults - the RCIA. It's a weekly program that runs from about August or September to Easter. It's designed to introduce adults to the Catholic faith, its practices, some of its history, the theology of the sacraments, and so forth. The adults who participate are of two kinds - those who have never been Catholic, and those who used to be Catholic, or - like you - those who feel they've just been going through the motions perhaps without clear understanding or informed consent. I've heard the term "reversion" used in these situations - one is not converting from another denomination to Catholicism, but one is reverting to the Catholic faith. 

I assume there must be a similar program in the UK. Maybe that would be a place to start. I'd trust any priest who was leading an RCIA program. But if no program is available, I know of some Dominican houses and some Benedictine houses in the UK. They'd have priests who would become spiritual director for an individual. If you send me a message through the Phatmass link and indicate what city you live in, I could send you some addresses; I don't know any individuals I could put you in contact with, though. 

When I read your post, it does seem that you're motivated to do this. Otherwise, you'd just let it drop. So something is impelling you. It seems that the real question is how to go about it.  

Edited August 28, 2022 by Luigi

[Lady Grey, Hot]

31 minutes ago, Luigi said:

I believe you're in the UK whereas I'm in the States, so I don't know the Church situation in the UK very well. But over here, we have the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults - the RCIA. It's a weekly program that runs from about August or September to Easter. It's designed to introduce adults to the Catholic faith, its practices, some of its history, the theology of the sacraments, and so forth. The adults who participate are of two kinds - those who have never been Catholic, and those who used to be Catholic, or - like you - those who feel they've just been going through the motions perhaps without clear understanding or informed consent. I've heard the term "reversion" used in these situations - one is not converting from another denomination to Catholicism, but one is reverting to the Catholic faith.

I appreciate your engaging with me! I'm actually in the States as well (though I'm flattered that you would think otherwise). RCIA is probably something I could look into - although, since I'm employed by one nearby parish cluster and have ties to another, I'd have to seek out a third option to have some anonymity.

I guess I also just don't know how it would fix anything. I wouldn't consider myself non-practicing - I was recently out of good standing for an extended period, but during that time I still practiced to the extent that I was able. I have a reasonable understanding of the Faith. And going through RCIA isn't really going to give me back my opportunity to consent - certainly not in any significant way. It's not like I can be confirmed again if I decide that Catholicism is the path I want to go down, and if I decide that it isn't, the Church still lays its claim on me.

[Luigi]

5 hours ago, Lady Grey, Hot said:

... and if I decide that it isn't, the Church still lays its claim on me.

That's the part that keeps showing up. When I read this and similar comments, I hear you saying that you still want to be in good standing with the Church, that something impels you, or whatever. A lot of people would just walk away from the Church. Hell, we all know that plenty of people have!

And as you point out, RCIA might not benefit you very much. As you scout around, you might keep an eye out for people or programs that specialize in 'reversion,' but even that might not suit you since you're still practicing. A spiritual director, or even a regular confessor, might be able to help - certainly more than I am!

[Lady Grey, Hot]

Quote

When I read this and similar comments, I hear you saying that you still want to be in good standing with the Church, that something impels you, or whatever.

Fear, I reckon. When you've been raised to believe that it would be wrong to do something (i.e. abandon the Church), it's hard to let go of that, and still harder to tell whether one's reluctance means there's something there or whether it just means one has been, for lack of a better concept, indoctrinated/brainwashed. 

[fides' Jack]

On 8/28/2022 at 1:01 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

It's not like I can be confirmed again if I decide that Catholicism is the path I want to go down, and if I decide that it isn't, the Church still lays its claim on me.

It happens.  I've been confirmed twice.  Well, once legitimately, but I thought it was legitimate the first time.

On 8/28/2022 at 1:01 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

And going through RCIA isn't really going to give me back my opportunity to consent - certainly not in any significant way.

That's a very interesting perspective.  Clearly you value the point of the sacraments, and of the indelible mark that at least some of the sacraments leave on the soul.

I don't know about you, but I'm married.  I've found that every single day is a new opportunity to consent.  Sadly, I'm still trying to learn what that means.  But at the very least it's clear to me now that the daily struggle is at least as important and significant as the sacrament that made it begin.

This might be egotistical of me, but I believe you will find that this whole time, while you've clearly yearned for God to manifest Himself in your life, He already has and you just haven't been able to discern that yet.

On 8/28/2022 at 9:15 AM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I don’t even want to start pondering the patriarchal undertones here

Who knows... maybe you'll even find that the patriarchy isn't as bad as you've been told.

On 8/28/2022 at 9:15 AM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I’m not going to have the opportunity to make exponential progress like them, because I should have been doing it right the whole time. I’ll always be behind, less than them and less than I could have been if I’d been better when I was younger. If I’d converted, maybe I could have gotten a clean slate, but I was raised Catholic, so I have no excuse to not to have been devout and faithful and good all along. 

Many are going to have to face Our Lord and answer for much.  This sin is shared by ourselves, by our parents, by our bishops, and by our neighbors.  But I know at least a little of how you feel.  I am often ashamed that converts I know are doing so much better a job of being Catholic than I am.

 

You are the person God wants you to be.  And you can change the way He wants you to, with His help.