Sundry bad feels about being a Catholic woman

[Lady Grey, Hot]

This is going to be completely incoherent, but I have lost so much sleep and spilled so many tears over this, and I just want someone to share it with someone.

 

• I have never wanted to have a family of my own, and I am perfectly content to remain single on account of that, but even then, I don’t get to “opt out” of motherhood. I can’t turn around without someone trying to shove “spiritual motherhood” down my throat. I struggle to desire to be part of a church that seems to want me to be something that I don’t want to be.

 

• I feel completely useless because I’m not ordainable. I hate that I am never going to perform any truly useful service—that I am never going to be anything but a burden and a drain on the Church’s resources.

 

• There are so many fine characteristics I have seen exhibited by men which I wish to cultivate in myself. But all I ever hear is that I need to get back in my place and stop trying to be something I’m not—that I’m undermining men trying to be masculine.

 

• It might be said, as a general rule, that fathers tend to prepare their sons and protect their daughters. I want to be someone who can stand on my own two feet. I want my work in the world to matter. I want to be all I can be. But I feel as though, by creating me as a woman, my Heavenly Father is saying no to all of that. He is saying that He thinks I have no potential. That I’m not capable. That He doesn’t, for lack of a better term, believe in me. After all, as a daughter, I should just be content to embrace being cosseted and leave all the hard work to my brothers. And if God thinks all that, then it must be true. That cuts me to the core.

[little2add]

Are you in good health, generally speaking?

[Lady Grey, Hot]

3 hours ago, little2add said:

Are you in good health, generally speaking?

Good enough, I suppose. Why do you ask?

[little2add]

You have your Health.   That certainly is a blessing.  

Life can be very difficult at times and I don’t believe it matters if you’re a woman or a man.  
Work hard, play hard, keep the faith and follow your heart.

JMJ

[Norseman82]

On 5/30/2022 at 6:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I have never wanted to have a family of my own, and I am perfectly content to remain single on account of that, but even then, I don’t get to “opt out” of motherhood. I can’t turn around without someone trying to shove “spiritual motherhood” down my throat. I struggle to desire to be part of a church that seems to want me to be something that I don’t want to be.

Well, there are also a lot of practicing Catholic men desiring valid Catholic marriage and family who cannot obtain it and also have "spiritual fatherhood" shoved down their throats as well, not to mention the eternal nagging of "why don't you become a priest?" (ignoring the fact that if we discerned we could handle lifelong celibacy we already might be wearing collars).   Marriage (heterosexual) is what we are built for (except those given the supernatural ability to handle lifelong celibacy).  

 

On 5/30/2022 at 6:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I feel completely useless because I’m not ordainable. I hate that I am never going to perform any truly useful service—that I am never going to be anything but a burden and a drain on the Church’s resources.

If you've discerned that you can handle lifelong celibacy, why not a be a nun?  There is a shortage of ladies who can wield rulers like kali sticks...

[Sponsa-Christi]

@Lady Grey, Hot These might be better questions to pose in the Vocation Station, actually. 

On 5/30/2022 at 7:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I have never wanted to have a family of my own, and I am perfectly content to remain single on account of that, but even then, I don’t get to “opt out” of motherhood. I can’t turn around without someone trying to shove “spiritual motherhood” down my throat. I struggle to desire to be part of a church that seems to want me to be something that I don’t want to be.

Spiritual motherhood doesn't necessarily have to be biological motherhood or a close equivalent--e.g., you don't need to adopt or become a childcare worker to be a spiritual mother. I think as a general concept "spiritual motherhood" is the self-giving love that all Christians are called to, but in a way characteristic of women. (I think a rough secular equivalent of this concept might be Erik Erikson's idea of midlife "generativity vs. stagnation," if you want to try googling that.)

On 5/30/2022 at 7:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

I feel completely useless because I’m not ordainable. I hate that I am never going to perform any truly useful service—that I am never going to be anything but a burden and a drain on the Church’s resources.

This is not true. Some Catholics unfortunately may have this kind of attitude, but they're wrong.

On 5/30/2022 at 7:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

There are so many fine characteristics I have seen exhibited by men which I wish to cultivate in myself. But all I ever hear is that I need to get back in my place and stop trying to be something I’m not—that I’m undermining men trying to be masculine.

In Catholicism, it's actually celebrated when women have "manly" virtues! Look at saints like Teresa of Avila, for example. In my own life, I have the uniquely feminine vocation of being a consecrated virgin--but my "call within a call" is being a canon lawyer! Canon law happens to be a male dominated field, and it requires a lot of stereotypically masculine skills like objective reasoning and making prudent judgements. Despite how "manly" this is, there is zero issue with me serving as a tribunal Judge as a woman. 

On 5/30/2022 at 7:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

It might be said, as a general rule, that fathers tend to prepare their sons and protect their daughters. I want to be someone who can stand on my own two feet. I want my work in the world to matter. I want to be all I can be. But I feel as though, by creating me as a woman, my Heavenly Father is saying no to all of that. He is saying that He thinks I have no potential. That I’m not capable. That He doesn’t, for lack of a better term, believe in me. After all, as a daughter, I should just be content to embrace being cosseted and leave all the hard work to my brothers. And if God thinks all that, then it must be true. That cuts me to the core.

Again, in Catholicism it's perfectly fine for woman to support themselves and to take on ambitious apostolic projects. It's not Church teaching that women need to be totally dependent on men and "cosseted." The Church has always taught that women have human dignity in their own right, and are made in the image and likeness of God just like men. 

[Lady Grey, Hot]

5 hours ago, Sponsa-Christi said:

@Lady Grey, Hot These might be better questions to pose in the Vocation Station, actually. 

On 5/30/2022 at 7:20 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

Hadn't thought of that. Thanks.

[Nunsuch]

On 6/1/2022 at 12:32 AM, Norseman82 said:

If you've discerned that you can handle lifelong celibacy, why not a be a nun?  There is a shortage of ladies who can wield rulers like kali sticks...

Religious life is a specific vocation and calling. It's not simply for those who might not want to be married!

[Norseman82]

On 6/9/2022 at 7:54 AM, Nunsuch said:

Religious life is a specific vocation and calling. It's not simply for those who might not want to be married!

Did you read the part of her post that I was responding to?

[Nunsuch]

On 6/19/2022 at 12:20 AM, Norseman82 said:

Did you read the part of her post that I was responding to?

Yes, I did. And my comment stands. Aside from your insult to vowed women (rulers? really??), choosing religious life is a positive choice, not a rejection of something else, or a last resort.

[fides' Jack]

On 6/9/2022 at 6:54 AM, Nunsuch said:

Religious life is a specific vocation and calling. It's not simply for those who might not want to be married!

That doesn't appear to be what @Norseman82 was trying to say.

15 hours ago, Nunsuch said:

Yes, I did. And my comment stands. Aside from your insult to vowed women (rulers? really??)

I honestly don't see the insult there.  Just a harmless joke, and not really at the expense of nuns but of the stereotype of catholic schools.  I've heard many homilies from deacons, priests, and bishops, including from Archbishop Fulton Sheen, in which jokes about nuns using rulers as corporal punishment were made.  "Spare the rod, spoil the child"  It's a good thing.

15 hours ago, Nunsuch said:

choosing religious life is a positive choice, not a rejection of something else, or a last resort.

I think everyone agrees with that.