Dealing with infertility

[Ice_nine]

So, I know there's probably about 1000 threads on phatmass about this topic, but if you will allow me to vent . . .

I've read all of those threads and always thought to myself, "well if I'm ever unable to have kids, I think it would smell of elderberries but I'll be able to deal with it." This makes me feel doubly foolish. I guess having children of my own never quite seemed like a huge priority when I was younger, before I fell in love with someone and wanted to see what kind of person we could make together. Maybe I was denying my nature. I think we are conditioned to delay having families, whether by intentional and nefarious powers that be; whether purely by social engineering or "putting things in the water" so to speak . . . I'm angry that I may have missed the boat on this one because I was too focused on other, less important things when I was younger.

After being married for two years, still nothing. I wasn't ready for the pangs of sadness that now come along every month. They almost take me by surprise even they have pretty much become routine. I will be fine and then feel a vice in my chest and then start sobbing. It's pretty lame.

 

 To add insult to injury every time I get my period I feel like I want to rip my uterus out as the pain is almost unbearable. At best I pop a few pills and I'm able to make it tolerable. At worst I am on the bathroom floor shaking, vomiting and breaking out in a cold sweat praying to God that I might sleep/pass out. I have a feeling that I have a condition that is likely causing these symptoms and probably also causing infertility.

I'm not very assertive so the general advice from doctors has been "let's give it 6 months" or "we can give you birth control or extra strength ibuprofen to manage symptoms." I know modern medicine is really great at dealing with certain things, but for chronic conditions they just want to throw pills at you. I've never met a doctor that was like "let's get to the root of the problem and treat that."

It's very frustrating. I have an appointment at a Harvard-related hospital on my 32nd birthday. Happy birthday to me. I'd like to think that this is great because they are top doctors yadda yadda, but I don't have a lot of confidence when I tried to make an appt with the gynecology department they insisted on asking me what my preferred gender is. What a world.

That's another thing. Having to navigate infertility and trying uphold the integrity of the human person as prescribed by the church is nothing short of a challenge. You have on one side, the medical professionals at the cutting edge of technology who think men can be women and that maybe aborting Down's babies is a good choice. Also, how the hell do you test male infertility without, to be blunt, wanking off while watching porn in a doctor's office? Is it even possible?

I don't want my husband to do that, and he doesn't want to either. And I don't feel great about being poked and prodded at by these people who think this stuff is A-OK. I'd like to think ideology wouldn't keep a doctor from treating the patient with a certain level of dignity but we are living in crazy times. And then on the other hand you have these pro-life, pro-family outlets who insist my problems can most likely be solved by checking my cervical mucus every day (which I tried to track before I was married but found it to be tedious, exhausting and ultimately not very useful).

 

I think the uncertainty of it all makes it worse. If a doctor can just say, "hey you're not getting pregnant every, no way, no how, maybe there'd at least be some closure. Right now I'm in this limbo and it smells of elderberries.

 

[cruciatacara]

As difficult as it might be for your husband and you, he really needs to be tested because it is quite possible that an illness during youth either reduced his sperm count or affected his motility. There are ways they can work with that information to help you conceive, but not knowing isn't going to help at all.

Of course you need to pray but I am quite sure you are both doing that already, so my advice is more of a practical nature. Speaking as a man, yes, the process is not ideal, but perhaps discuss this with the doctor and see if he has any other suggestions as for how to retrieve the sperm. Good luck.

[Lady Grey, Hot]

6 hours ago, Ice_nine said:

Also, how the hell do you test male infertility without, to be blunt, wanking off while watching porn in a doctor's office? Is it even possible?

Can't something be done with a perforated condom?

[Peace]

I'm 43. Never been married. No kids. If I get married and have kids, amesome. If not, I still plan on living a happy, fulfilling, life. In fact right now I'm happier than I have ever been. You don't want to put so much pressure on yourself to have children, that you end up making yourself miserable in the process. And that kind of sounds like where you are at right now. So I say if God blesses you with them, great. But if not, see what else God has in store for you. And that's not me trying to make light of your situation. Just my 2 cents.

[benedictaaugustine]

A lot of my family struggles with infertility. The pain you’re describing sounds a lot like endometriosis - have you been tested for that? Honestly the only way to really tell is to do the surgery to get it down, but your symptoms sound like it may be something to look into. Endo can contribute to infertility. Id recommend doing some research on speciality doctors that are holistic and will look at everything (thyroid, progesterone and estrogen imbalances, and endo) and not just throw pills. I’m praying for you! It’s a major cross 

[tinytherese]

I suggest joining this one forum. I know that a big emphasis there is learning NFP, but there are other boards as well including one where women discuss dealing with infertility.

https://livingthesacrament.com/

[Ice_nine]

On 1/30/2022 at 10:06 PM, Lady Grey, Hot said:

Can't something be done with a perforated condom?

Yeah, so I've heard this on the internet but no of no one (even on the internet) that's actually been like "yeah I've done this." I guess that's not the thing people advertise, but if you ever find a person that has done it let me know.

 

On 1/31/2022 at 9:35 AM, Peace said:

I'm 43. Never been married. No kids. If I get married and have kids, amesome. If not, I still plan on living a happy, fulfilling, life.

Well first, you're a bit older than I thought you were.

Second I think you missed the part where I used to think exactly like this before I got married. If you fall in love with someone and get married and feel the same way even after coming up empty, great! You might, I don't know. You're also a man, so it might feel different. The monthly hormone fluctuations don't help.

On 1/31/2022 at 2:47 PM, benedictaaugustine said:

A lot of my family struggles with infertility. The pain you’re describing sounds a lot like endometriosis - have you been tested for that?

Yeah I think that's what's going on. My uterus is probably a mangled mess. I know that I need surgery to diagnose it, but most doctors just kind of waive me off, tell me to track things. I'm not super assertive so I just sort of shrug my shoulders and wait on it. But you know that clock keeps ticking. I'm hoping that my appt I have later this month will help get to the bottom of this.

 

On 1/30/2022 at 9:01 PM, cruciatacara said:

As difficult as it might be for your husband and you, he really needs to be tested because it is quite possible that an illness during youth either reduced his sperm count or affected his motility. There are ways they can work with that information to help you conceive, but not knowing isn't going to help at all.

Of course you need to pray but I am quite sure you are both doing that already, so my advice is more of a practical nature. Speaking as a man, yes, the process is not ideal, but perhaps discuss this with the doctor and see if he has any other suggestions as for how to retrieve the sperm. Good luck.

If it's possible then we do it. Again, lack of faith that a doctor will be able to help us achieve this in a way that doesn't violate our conscience. The thing is I know there's something wrong with me.

Even if it's not affecting my fertility it's incapacitating at times. You're not a woman, but the silver bullet is always "try birth control." It's very frustrating, there is absolutely 0 percent interest in finding out what causes the problem. If you have a chronic condition with your reproductive organs BC is the magic bullet. And if you don't want that they sort of shrug your shoulders at you and tell you to take some tylenol. My experience is not unique.

 

Thanks for letting my vent y'all.

[Peace]

11 hours ago, Ice_nine said:

Well first, you're a bit older than I thought you were.

Well I look like I'm 30. Good black don't crack as they say.

11 hours ago, Ice_nine said:

Second I think you missed the part where I used to think exactly like this before I got married. If you fall in love with someone and get married and feel the same way even after coming up empty, great! You might, I don't know. You're also a man, so it might feel different. The monthly hormone fluctuations don't help.

Well I kind of know what you mean, but not exactly of course since we have different biological impulses. I’d say that men also have a biological drive to have children, but its not as pronounced for us because we have much less of a practical time limitation. Me personally, if we are just talking biology, I’d have a harem of 60 women and sleep with 2 different women every day of the month if I could. The whole idea of having to be with only one woman the rest of my life is insane to me, if I am just being honest about my biological drive. But I’ve made peace with it. Unlike King Solomon, God has not allotted me an assortment of 700 wives. I guess I kind of look at children and marriage in the same way. I’d love to have them. In the past I put a ton of pressure on myself to get married (even got engaged once to a person I wasn’t really compatible with), but I was seriously making myself miserable stressing out over it all the time. I’m not saying you should be apathetic about the situation, and not to keep doing what’s advisable from a medical standpoint. And yeah its super frustrating not to have something that is good and that your own biology tells you to seek out. But don't add to the frustration by putting so additional pressure on yourself. I’d just say its important to keep in mind that children are not something we are owed. They are truly a gift that God chooses to give to some, and does not give to others. I have a couple friends who were dealing with the same issue a few years ago and they just seemed so miserable putting in all of the effort, “timing” sex or what have you to achieve this goal of having children. I think generally if we start to look at it that way it can lead to people doing things like IVF, which is what they ended up doing to have children (not to imply that you would go down that route, of course). I think if we remember to look at them as a “gift” and not as a “goal” it could help reduce some of the mental anguish when the goal is not achieved. Just my 2 cents though. I’ll pray that things work out for you.

 

[tinytherese]

Here's an article on how to find an NFP doctor.

https://guidingstarproject.com/how-to-find-an-nfp-friendly-doc/    

I once looked at reviews of local gynecologists. A reviewer praised one doctor for respecting her choice not to use birth control. 

I'm part of the Archdiocese of Dubuque and on their website list NFP doctors.

[Lady Grey, Hot]

On 2/1/2022 at 10:39 PM, Ice_nine said:

Yeah, so I've heard this on the internet but no of no one (even on the internet) that's actually been like "yeah I've done this." I guess that's not the thing people advertise, but if you ever find a person that has done it let me know.

If I recall correctly, there was some sort of healthcare professional on the Catholic Answers forum who mentioned working with Catholic couples who had gone that route. I wish I could give you the link, but the forum's now defunct.

[PhuturePriest]

On 1/30/2022 at 2:50 PM, Ice_nine said:

So, I know there's probably about 1000 threads on phatmass about this topic, but if you will allow me to vent . . .

I've read all of those threads and always thought to myself, "well if I'm ever unable to have kids, I think it would smell of elderberries but I'll be able to deal with it." This makes me feel doubly foolish. I guess having children of my own never quite seemed like a huge priority when I was younger, before I fell in love with someone and wanted to see what kind of person we could make together. Maybe I was denying my nature. I think we are conditioned to delay having families, whether by intentional and nefarious powers that be; whether purely by social engineering or "putting things in the water" so to speak . . . I'm angry that I may have missed the boat on this one because I was too focused on other, less important things when I was younger.

After being married for two years, still nothing. I wasn't ready for the pangs of sadness that now come along every month. They almost take me by surprise even they have pretty much become routine. I will be fine and then feel a vice in my chest and then start sobbing. It's pretty lame.

 

 To add insult to injury every time I get my period I feel like I want to rip my uterus out as the pain is almost unbearable. At best I pop a few pills and I'm able to make it tolerable. At worst I am on the bathroom floor shaking, vomiting and breaking out in a cold sweat praying to God that I might sleep/pass out. I have a feeling that I have a condition that is likely causing these symptoms and probably also causing infertility.

I'm not very assertive so the general advice from doctors has been "let's give it 6 months" or "we can give you birth control or extra strength ibuprofen to manage symptoms." I know modern medicine is really great at dealing with certain things, but for chronic conditions they just want to throw pills at you. I've never met a doctor that was like "let's get to the root of the problem and treat that."

It's very frustrating. I have an appointment at a Harvard-related hospital on my 32nd birthday. Happy birthday to me. I'd like to think that this is great because they are top doctors yadda yadda, but I don't have a lot of confidence when I tried to make an appt with the gynecology department they insisted on asking me what my preferred gender is. What a world.

That's another thing. Having to navigate infertility and trying uphold the integrity of the human person as prescribed by the church is nothing short of a challenge. You have on one side, the medical professionals at the cutting edge of technology who think men can be women and that maybe aborting Down's babies is a good choice. Also, how the hell do you test male infertility without, to be blunt, wanking off while watching porn in a doctor's office? Is it even possible?

I don't want my husband to do that, and he doesn't want to either. And I don't feel great about being poked and prodded at by these people who think this stuff is A-OK. I'd like to think ideology wouldn't keep a doctor from treating the patient with a certain level of dignity but we are living in crazy times. And then on the other hand you have these pro-life, pro-family outlets who insist my problems can most likely be solved by checking my cervical mucus every day (which I tried to track before I was married but found it to be tedious, exhausting and ultimately not very useful).

 

I think the uncertainty of it all makes it worse. If a doctor can just say, "hey you're not getting pregnant every, no way, no how, maybe there'd at least be some closure. Right now I'm in this limbo and it smells of elderberries.

 

I don't have advice or anything of real substance to say, but I'm really sorry that you're going through this. It must be really difficult and terrible, and I hope you get substantive medical explanations soon. Know that I am praying for you and all couples who are struggling to conceive.

[Ice_nine]

Thanks FP!

[DisplayNameBlock]

Nothing earth shattering to say here other than that I sympathize.  My situation is somewhat different than yours for lots of reasons, but I am dealing with secondary infertility (although I am pretty sure I understand what is causing it now, after multiple MRIs and a surgery) and I too was surprised by how deflating it is every month to realize that once again, I am not pregnant.  I share some of your reservations about contemporary medicine as well, even though I'm not Catholic.  

Anyway, just to say, you aren't alone!