Setting Boundaries When Parents Separate or Divorce

[tinytherese]

Since my parents are considering separating, my therapist wants me to think about what I need during this time. I live with them and my younger brother. She acknowledges that this is a crazy time. She wants me to think about how to cope with what they're going through. I don't know what to say.

Mom kept saying she was considering separating from dad years ago, but she didn't. A year or so later she told me in 2 weeks she'd divorce him, but not to tell anyone in the family. Months went by and I didn't hear from her (since I was away at college). I kept asking what was going on and she replied she needed to find a lawyer. She finally found one, but she was leaving her position. I asked her if she found anyone else and she said no. Mom appeared to be dragging her feet and as the months went by I saw she just wasn't going to do it.

Part of me wonders if I should even take this latest possible separation seriously. Maybe I shouldn't believe it until a legal separation is final and one of them completely moves out or they announce that they've decided to stay together.

All I know is that I need to not take sides and not get involved in their marriage difficulties. It's common to hear them complain about each other.

I notified mom that dad invited me to his side of the family in another city for Thanksgiving last November. She expressed her annoyance that he didn't bother telling her his plans (since she thought he was having dinner with locally with her side), and that the rest of our household didn't appear to be invited.

Late one night dad asked me in a rude way where mom was. Dad's too stubborn to contact her himself and like I mentioned earlier, he keeps stuff from her. Years ago, I told him he needs to reach out to her himself. He refuses to do that and gets defensive when people criticize him no matter how nicely they put it. There are times when mom will say something and despite being in the same room as her he asks me what she said. I feel like I have to be the one to keep them both posted on what the other is doing.

[Nihil Obstat]

Sorry to hear that you're dealing with that. My parents separated and divorced when I was 21, actually not long after I got engaged. It was a very difficult time for me - in some ways more difficult than if I had been a lot younger, as is typical.

[Credo in Deum]

I think setting boundaries is a good thing to think about during these trying times.  You shouldn't be the mediator between you mother and father -that is not your duty nor is it uncharitable for you to refuse to be put in that situation.  Best boundary is to tell each of them that you are there to provide information about yourself and that is it.  If one parent wants to know what the other parent is doing then they need to communicate that with each other.