Heartbroken over strictness of women’s religious orders… anyone else?

[Marie B]

Hi all! 

I’m just so heartbroken over the Church’s constant rejection of women who want to enter religious life. It seems as though priests can enter seminary so easily, but so many women get turned down for so many different reasons. It is a sad state when I’ve heard that women need to “heal” from trying to enter religious life. I myself have been turned down because I take mental health medication & I understand orders being strict due to the requirements of community life, but it just seems so unfair. I’m in no way trying to complain or blame anyone, it’s just something that has been weighing on me so heavily. Even the requirements of women’s religious orders are so much stricter than men’s orders (only seeing family a few times a year, no phones, texting, etc). I feel so strongly I have a call to religious life, but realistically don’t think I’ll be accepted to any because of my medication and it breaks my heart. I feel like it shouldn’t have to be this way. Has anyone else been hurt and upset over this? Is there something we can do about it, or is it just the way things have to be? I’m hoping this can be a chance to converse about this and to help each other out. I know I am not the only one to be hurt by the Church in this way, so hearing from other women about this might be really fruitful. Or maybe I just need to toughen up & let my feelings go. Either way, I just wanted to post on here and hear other women’s thoughts. 

[Bonkira]

Its a tough spot to be in, but praying for God's plan for your life is the best way out.

I think it can be our perception that men's communities are less strict than women's communities but they largely have the same expectations re: seeing family, access to to technology, etc...everything depends on the individual orders and their expectations, which is the same for women's communities. I think it can also be our perception that the church is unnecessarily hard on folks discerning, and yet it is a form and function of a vocation to make sure it fits and that the seeker is truly called.

We have the choice of how we perceive these tests and potential closed doors; it can be perceived as a punishment and we make ourselves suffer with that, or it can be a blessing (even a painful one) in that it shows us a different path forward to where God is truly calling us. Regardless of how we choose to perceive it, saying that the Church is hurting us is a road to allowing a wedge to be driven between us and Christ. 

Do you have a good spiritual director? Are you speaking with him/her regularly? A lot of what you are speaking about would really be helped by engaging in good spiritual direction and discernment with someone knowledgeable about religious live and vocational discernment.

[gloriana35]

The matter of how suited those with mental illnesses are for community life is one we've treated on other threads, so I'm not speaking of that in particular.

Many communities now do not have the practises you mention. I must admit I feel rather uneasy at times, reading some links on this forum, because it seems there are new communities, of which I'd never previously heard, which are adopting practises that even very moderate communities dispensed with decades ago. They seem to have an appeal to the young (their Internet sites show large numbers of new members), but I think the isolation, having to do everything together, never having time off, and so forth were very unhealthy.

I must say that, in 'my day' (1970s for entrance), even relatively strict Orders for men still had more freedom than the women. (I'm not speaking of going out to night clubs - in the community I entered, it would have been shocking if someone even had a choice of where to sit or which Sunday Mass to attend.) The friars had a genuine day off - though they didn't have money, they could visit friends or family, go out to dinner with them, attend a wedding reception. All we had was a carefully supervised 'visiting day,' within the convent. (I got into trouble just for laughing with my own parents.) The friars could talk freely and laugh together - we had to walk on eggs, since we never knew what might be taken for 'singularisation' or 'bad example' or 'disrespect.'  Except for the visiting day, the only contact Sisters had with other adults was in connection with work. (We were allowed annual home visits.) 

Yet many communities of women, even then (and I'm referring to those who wore modified habits, had common prayer in the convent, still were given assignments to mission), were able to go to a relative's house for the weekends; attend whichever Mass they wished; write to whomever they wished, at any time; speak over the phone. 

It has saddened me to see religious communities I knew well dying out. Yet I would imagine there are communities which are not as strict as you mention. Whether one with a mental illness is suited for community life would adapt well is another question. 

[Sponsa-Christi]

A few quick points: first, often dioceses are quite strict with accepting men as seminarians. Also, not every women's religious community has the exact same requirements--i.e., some communities are more open to accepting women with very well-controlled mental health issues.

But more importantly, I think we need to avoid the "God wants everyone to sort themselves into a specific 'vocation box'" model of discernment. Or in other words, it's not: "religious life/consecrated life vs. marriage vs. nothing."

If you have a strong sense that God is calling you to dedicate yourself entirely to Him, then He probably is! But you job is to listen with a truly open heart as to what that will look like in your life specifically--not to try to fit yourself into the most obvious "box" and then get frustrated when it won't work the way you imagined it would. 

Part of this prayerful listening is accepting the different ways God's will can be communicated, and one of these ways is a religious superior saying "no" when you want to discern with her community. But a "no" from a community doesn't mean that God doesn't have a special call for you in a global sense. 

If there's good reason to suspect that you're not called to religious life at all, there are other ways to give yourself entirely to God. For instance, many saints simply made private vows, while also living the call to holiness in a radical way. Their life and witness is not any less because the didn't fit into the "religious life" box!

[magdalenepenitent]

Of course it depends on the exact condition, but though I got more “no” replies than “yes,” I ultimately found communities who didn’t consider my condition a disqualifier. However, my condition (ADHD) is managed completely with medication alone, which not all disabilities or mental disorders are, and I’ve been transparent about my ADHD from the beginning of all discernment processes with orders. I also have been free of any depressive episodes or other mental health episodes for years, which helped me plead my case to my Vocation Director. 
 

There are definitely orders where I was told immediately I wasn’t going to fit their community because of my disability. But I’ve learned that if the Lord wants me to go somewhere, He will open the door—and He would never give me an experience that I wasn’t supposed to at least learn from. Maybe it’s not the lesson I wanted to learn, but it’s the one I needed. For me, it was my fixation on the externals of religious orders instead of what really mattered—like the prayer life, the community’s spirit. Trusting and abandoning yourself to God’s will is difficult but worthwhile (I’m still working on it myself). 
 

What brought you to religious life? Is there a way you can incorporate that into your existing life? (IE, I like to pray the Liturgy of the Hours by myself, and I attend Mass as often as I can.) God calls us all to be Saints, to strive to be holy and to love as He has loved us. I’ve found a lot of peace in the story of Servant-of-God Leonie Martin, who also struggled with her health and her desire for religious life. I give praying with her most of the credit for the progress I’ve made in my own vocational journey. 

[Antigonos]

Let's face it: until very recently [in historical terms], women were simply NOT given the freedom that men got, period.  They were regarded as more fragile, more in need of [male] protection, could "lose their reputations" very easily for behaviors which were regarded as "normal" for men.  And in a situation where one is supposed to be striving for "perfection" this was easily carried to excess.  Don't forget just how recently women even were denied the right to vote, based on supposed "inability" to understand what politics was about.  It's all a matter of perspective, I suppose.

In fact, it's rather surprising to note just how autonomous women's religious communities were, in past times.  An abbess or prioress was the equivalent of a CEO of a corporation!

[GraceUk]

It would appear that men have been given a lot more freedom than women in any form of religious life.  But this is true out in the world as a whole.  Even if its sad for the person who needs medication for mental health disorders I can see why a community might feel that the person  would find religious life too stressful and it could worsen their condition.

[sr.christinaosf]

When I was looking to enter religious life and exploring communities, I had a different hurdle to deal with.  I have a vision impairment (though I still read regular print) and some endocrine issues.  There were some communities which would not consider me because of this, but that was part of my process.  I just moved on and explored other communities.

I think you are right on with the fact that a person entering will need to live the communal life day in and day out.  A person with severe mental illness might have problems in community.  

Church law does require good health, however you want to define that.

I would just say, keep looking.  One closed door need not be a discouragement, but perhaps a sign that you are not called to that community.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like to chat.
ndfranciscans.org/fiat
sr.christinaosf@gmail.com