Torn (desire for RL keeps coming back)

[MaryBethany]

Hey everyone,
It's been a while since I posted here, but I'm struggling with something and I'd like to share it. 

Two years ago, I was a postulant with a community for several months until they decided that I had to leave, mainly because of my mental health issues. Since then, I've visited other communities but after a while I sort of accepted that I'll never be a Sister because I'm not really expecting to recover from my issues anymore. 

But I'm noticing that the desire for religious life never fully went away and it keeps popping back up more ardently than before. I find myself browsing for convents and being drawn to the way of life, having experienced the beauty of it once before. However, I don't want to burden a community with my issues as they are quite severe and I have trouble to want to continue living, if you know what I mean. I'm torn between discerning religious life more and not doing so, because it also hurts a lot to be confronted with what didn't work out a few years ago. 

Maybe some of you can pray for me and offer some advice?

Much love!

[Guest]

I am so sorry and feel for you that mental illness has set you on the road it has, contrary to your deepest desires.  I have travelled that road too (I am now 75yrs of age).  Sometimes a desire for religious life at it's core is a desire for Unity with Jesus.  While you may not have those qualities necessary for religious life, those very problems that are impediments to RL may well be also the means of Unity with Him i.e. holiness.  I think you could well profit with spiritual direction providing a SD is open to discussion of religious life, personal vocation and mental health issues with you.

The Order of Virgins (consecrated virginity) and the eremitical life (hermit) are also forms of consecrated life.

Have you thought about secular institutes or third orders?  Although, I do suspect that it is the beauty of religious life per se that attracts you.  Religious life as with any vocation can also be terribly difficult and trying at the very same time as it is beautiful.

I suffer bipolar disorder nor am I in any form of consecrated life.  I will keep  you in prayer  

[gloriana35]

Brava, Barbara Therese, for being open about this. I have bipolar disorder (though not in its psychotic form), and I'm in your age group. 

Spiritual direction is difficult to find, but I so hope that Mary Bethany can find a wise director. (It took me years - I was about 45 before I found sound direction, from an Anglican priest, despite my having been in religious life and many years of working for a major archdiocese.) The fear of liability is so great now that even asking to speak with a priest can lead to 'you have to talk to a therapist.' You'd never get to the essential spiritual matters. (I am not suggesting you not have treatment for your mental illness! I mean that many within the Church avoid anyone with the least mental problem.)

[CS937]

On 9/4/2021 at 11:16 AM, MaryBethany said:

Hey everyone,
It's been a while since I posted here, but I'm struggling with something and I'd like to share it. 

Two years ago, I was a postulant with a community for several months until they decided that I had to leave, mainly because of my mental health issues. Since then, I've visited other communities but after a while I sort of accepted that I'll never be a Sister because I'm not really expecting to recover from my issues anymore. 

But I'm noticing that the desire for religious life never fully went away and it keeps popping back up more ardently than before. I find myself browsing for convents and being drawn to the way of life, having experienced the beauty of it once before. However, I don't want to burden a community with my issues as they are quite severe and I have trouble to want to continue living, if you know what I mean. I'm torn between discerning religious life more and not doing so, because it also hurts a lot to be confronted with what didn't work out a few years ago. 

Maybe some of you can pray for me and offer some advice?

Much love!

Have you considered joining a Third Order?  With the help of a spiritual director, as well as the rule of life from a Third Order, you could adapt those elements you find desirable in the religious life to your current state in life. I know it's not the same as joining a convent, but it is a close alternative  You'll be in my prayers! 

 

Edit:  

I discerned with the Carmelites briefly, as I, too, wanted to become a religious. Now, I'm discerning with the Lay Dominicans. 

Edited September 5, 2021 by CS937

[Sponsa-Christi]

15 hours ago, BarbaraTherese said:

The Order of Virgins (consecrated virginity) and the eremitical life (hermit) are also forms of consecrated life.

You generally need to have decent mental health to be a consecrated virgin. Or, if there is some chronic mental health issue, it needs to have a relatively minimal impact on your life, or else be very well-controlled. 

The 2018 Instruction Ecclesiae Sponsae Imago discusses this in n. 91, among other places: "If the evaluation reveals the presence of a psychological disorder or a serious problem, in vocational discernment the Bishop will take into account the nature of the disorder, its gravity and the way in which it influences the psyche of the person and therefore her aptitude for consecration."

 

On 9/4/2021 at 11:16 AM, MaryBethany said:

But I'm noticing that the desire for religious life never fully went away and it keeps popping back up more ardently than before. I find myself browsing for convents and being drawn to the way of life, having experienced the beauty of it once before. However, I don't want to burden a community with my issues as they are quite severe and I have trouble to want to continue living, if you know what I mean. I'm torn between discerning religious life more and not doing so, because it also hurts a lot to be confronted with what didn't work out a few years ago.

@MaryBethany If you have serious chronic mental health issues that you don't have a realistic hope of resolving, then I think you can be sure that you don't have a call to religious life. I know it might be sad, but this kind of clarity can be sort of a gift, because it frees you to discern the way God is actually calling you.

Also, mental health issues as an impediment to religious life isn't just about not burdening the community--it's also about what's genuinely best for you. Religious life is beautiful, but even good communities can present some unique psychological challenges even to those who are healthy. So if you already have mental health issues, convent life could exacerbate your condition. At the very least, it wouldn't provide the environment you would need to flourish.

Going forward, my advice would be to find a good spiritual director, and work with him or her to discern: 1. which elements of religious life you find most attractive; and 2. how you can incorporate some dimension of these things in your life now.

For instance, are you attracted by making a firm commitment of evangelical chastity? Then maybe you can pray about making a private vow. If you're attracted by a certain community's spirituality or charism, maybe you can look into joining a related Third Order, or incorporating some of their devotions into your own prayer life. If you like a certain apostolate, maybe you can find ways to get involved in a similar kind of work in a spirit of Christian service, etc. 

[Guest]

 

4 hours ago, Sponsa-Christi said:

don't have a call to religious life. I know it might be sad, but this kind of clarity can be sort of a gift, because it frees you to discern the way God is actually calling you.

 

Well said.

[MaryBethany]

Thank you all so much for your replies. 

On 9/5/2021 at 8:07 AM, BarbaraTherese said:

I am so sorry and feel for you that mental illness has set you on the road it has, contrary to your deepest desires.  I have travelled that road too (I am now 75yrs of age).  Sometimes a desire for religious life at it's core is a desire for Unity with Jesus.  While you may not have those qualities necessary for religious life, those very problems that are impediments to RL may well be also the means of Unity with Him i.e. holiness.  I think you could well profit with spiritual direction providing a SD is open to discussion of religious life, personal vocation and mental health issues with you.

The Order of Virgins (consecrated virginity) and the eremitical life (hermit) are also forms of consecrated life.

Have you thought about secular institutes or third orders?  Although, I do suspect that it is the beauty of religious life per se that attracts you.  Religious life as with any vocation can also be terribly difficult and trying at the very same time as it is beautiful.

I suffer bipolar disorder nor am I in any form of consecrated life.  I will keep  you in prayer  

Thank you for sharing! I'll look into secular institutes/third orders. I know religious life can be very trying, this is indeed what 'scares' me. 

12 hours ago, gloriana35 said:

Brava, Barbara Therese, for being open about this. I have bipolar disorder (though not in its psychotic form), and I'm in your age group. 

Spiritual direction is difficult to find, but I so hope that Mary Bethany can find a wise director. (It took me years - I was about 45 before I found sound direction, from an Anglican priest, despite my having been in religious life and many years of working for a major archdiocese.) The fear of liability is so great now that even asking to speak with a priest can lead to 'you have to talk to a therapist.' You'd never get to the essential spiritual matters. (I am not suggesting you not have treatment for your mental illness! I mean that many within the Church avoid anyone with the least mental problem.)

Finding good spiritual direction can be challenging indeed. Thank you for your kind words. 

11 hours ago, CS937 said:

Have you considered joining a Third Order?  With the help of a spiritual director, as well as the rule of life from a Third Order, you could adapt those elements you find desirable in the religious life to your current state in life. I know it's not the same as joining a convent, but it is a close alternative  You'll be in my prayers! 

 

Edit:  

I discerned with the Carmelites briefly, as I, too, wanted to become a religious. Now, I'm discerning with the Lay Dominicans. 

I'll look into this! I'm a bit of an all-or-nothing kind of person, so this is challenging for me. But I could try and look into it and pray about it. 

10 hours ago, Sponsa-Christi said:

 

 If you have serious chronic mental health issues that you don't have a realistic hope of resolving, then I think you can be sure that you don't have a call to religious life. I know it might be sad, but this kind of clarity can be sort of a gift, because it frees you to discern the way God is actually calling you.

Also, mental health issues as an impediment to religious life isn't just about not burdening the community--it's also about what's genuinely best for you. Religious life is beautiful, but even good communities can present some unique psychological challenges even to those who are healthy. So if you already have mental health issues, convent life could exacerbate your condition. At the very least, it wouldn't provide the environment you would need to flourish.

Going forward, my advice would be to find a good spiritual director, and work with him or her to discern: 1. which elements of religious life you find most attractive; and 2. how you can incorporate some dimension of these things in your life now.

For instance, are you attracted by making a firm commitment of evangelical chastity? Then maybe you can pray about making a private vow. If you're attracted by a certain community's spirituality or charism, maybe you can look into joining a related Third Order, or incorporating some of their devotions into your own prayer life. If you like a certain apostolate, maybe you can find ways to get involved in a similar kind of work in a spirit of Christian service, etc. 

True, this is a harsh reality but it could apply to me. It's like I want this desire for RL to go away and at the same time I can't quite let it go. 

Thank you for your helpful advice!

[gloriana35]

Sometimes, people who have mental illnesses, or even certain types of temperaments, are fully able to live a vowed life. The problem is community life.

Of course, most of those who join third orders do not profess the evangelical counsels, and you may not find any support in your vowed life. It can seem more as if you just joined a club, and that could make the sense of loss all the greater. 

I very much hope you can work out how to live your commitment to consecrated life, and find truly sound direction. 

[Dymphna]

I may be able to offer another perspective on this: I also have mental health issues, and I'm just in the process of starting with a community. My own problems are/were trauma-related, so I could actually work on them. This, I think, is critical. No community (I think) can accept someone who is suicidal already, as others have said - simply because community life, at least initially, is added stress and would make things worse, as you probably experienced already.

So, if you have reason to believe your condition will not change, then what the others have said applies. But I don't know the circumstances of your illness, the prognosis and your motivation. For me, it took over 5 years of tough therapy, occasionally medication, one hospital stay, to become who I am now. I exceeded the expecations of the professionals. I will always have issues, but hopefully I am now able to live in community. Time will tell.

One thing I also learned on my way: Communities find it easier to accept someone young, with no visible issues, than someone who has been through such a long therapeutic process - it's partly an age-limit problem and partly (in my eyes) prejudice.

Maybe your desire for religious life could be a motivator for therapy for you - but as I said, you know better than us whether it's just your (pessimistic?) thinking that you will never get better, or whether that is a realistic assumption in your case.

[gloriana35]

I may not be alone in this: since you mentioned having mental illness, I assumed that you already had treatment. 

Years ago, I heard a major superior of a congregation make one of the most ignorant statements I've heard: they wouldn't consider any candidate who'd been in psychotherapy because "someone mature enough to enter the convent would know this is not a perfect world." There is no denying that mental illness might prevent someone's being in religious life - there is no one answer. But the idea that someone's being in therapy meant she didn't know this isn't a perfect world shows ignorance beyond belief. 

[JHFamily]

Though your first reaction to a third order or something similar is somewhat negative, I would still encourage you to look into it. Just as in religious life your final "yes" doesn't happen until after a period of time, the third orders, oblatures, etc. have a trial period, too, which are often flexible. For myself, I had this same draw to religious life, but each of the three times I tried it, medical issues surfaced. There was little doubt that it's not my vocation, but it did not stifle the desire. After many, many years, I became an Oblate, and it fulfilled the desires of my heart. 

[Sponsa-Christi]

Adding to what @JHFamilyhas said, if you join a Third Order as a layperson you are still part of that broader religious family. For example, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati--who was famously not a priest or religious--is claimed by the Dominicans as one of "their" saints because he was a Third Order Dominican. 

[MaryBethany]

On 9/6/2021 at 1:33 PM, gloriana35 said:

Sometimes, people who have mental illnesses, or even certain types of temperaments, are fully able to live a vowed life. The problem is community life.

Of course, most of those who join third orders do not profess the evangelical counsels, and you may not find any support in your vowed life. It can seem more as if you just joined a club, and that could make the sense of loss all the greater. 

I very much hope you can work out how to live your commitment to consecrated life, and find truly sound direction. 

Thank you!

On 9/7/2021 at 1:55 PM, Dymphna said:

I may be able to offer another perspective on this: I also have mental health issues, and I'm just in the process of starting with a community. My own problems are/were trauma-related, so I could actually work on them. This, I think, is critical. No community (I think) can accept someone who is suicidal already, as others have said - simply because community life, at least initially, is added stress and would make things worse, as you probably experienced already.

So, if you have reason to believe your condition will not change, then what the others have said applies. But I don't know the circumstances of your illness, the prognosis and your motivation. For me, it took over 5 years of tough therapy, occasionally medication, one hospital stay, to become who I am now. I exceeded the expecations of the professionals. I will always have issues, but hopefully I am now able to live in community. Time will tell.

One thing I also learned on my way: Communities find it easier to accept someone young, with no visible issues, than someone who has been through such a long therapeutic process - it's partly an age-limit problem and partly (in my eyes) prejudice.

Maybe your desire for religious life could be a motivator for therapy for you - but as I said, you know better than us whether it's just your (pessimistic?) thinking that you will never get better, or whether that is a realistic assumption in your case.

Thank you for your kind reply! I'm in my twenties, so still young (although I don't feel like it haha). I can imagine that prejudice can make things harder.
I'm definitely a pessimist, so I'll have to discuss my prognosis with my treatment team (and with Jesus, of course). 
I wish you the best in your discernment!

23 hours ago, gloriana35 said:

I may not be alone in this: since you mentioned having mental illness, I assumed that you already had treatment. 

Years ago, I heard a major superior of a congregation make one of the most ignorant statements I've heard: they wouldn't consider any candidate who'd been in psychotherapy because "someone mature enough to enter the convent would know this is not a perfect world." There is no denying that mental illness might prevent someone's being in religious life - there is no one answer. But the idea that someone's being in therapy meant she didn't know this isn't a perfect world shows ignorance beyond belief. 

I do have treatment, I've been in treatment for 7 years now

That statement is indeed very ignorant

16 hours ago, JHFamily said:

Though your first reaction to a third order or something similar is somewhat negative, I would still encourage you to look into it. Just as in religious life your final "yes" doesn't happen until after a period of time, the third orders, oblatures, etc. have a trial period, too, which are often flexible. For myself, I had this same draw to religious life, but each of the three times I tried it, medical issues surfaced. There was little doubt that it's not my vocation, but it did not stifle the desire. After many, many years, I became an Oblate, and it fulfilled the desires of my heart. 

Thank you for your reply! It's good to hear that becoming an Oblate fulfilled your desires. That makes me more open to it. 

14 hours ago, Sponsa-Christi said:

Adding to what @JHFamilyhas said, if you join a Third Order as a layperson you are still part of that broader religious family. For example, Bl. Pier Giorgio Frassati--who was famously not a priest or religious--is claimed by the Dominicans as one of "their" saints because he was a Third Order Dominican. 

Thank you!

[KaytePost]

Not really offering advice, but letting you know you are not alone! I am in a very similar situation (almost mirrored from what you've shared). I still too struggle with mental health, and still feel drawn towards religious life, despite praying so very ardently to be a peace with closed doors. Jesus is good and always wants our good, so no matter what your vocation is, He will use this time in your life to draw you closer to His heart. 

If you want to talk more feel free to pm me! I'll be praying for you my sister in Christ! 

[MaryBethany]

On 9/12/2021 at 10:08 AM, KaytePost said:

Not really offering advice, but letting you know you are not alone! I am in a very similar situation (almost mirrored from what you've shared). I still too struggle with mental health, and still feel drawn towards religious life, despite praying so very ardently to be a peace with closed doors. Jesus is good and always wants our good, so no matter what your vocation is, He will use this time in your life to draw you closer to His heart. 

If you want to talk more feel free to pm me! I'll be praying for you my sister in Christ! 

Thank you, Kayte!