Transgender Cousin

[Peace]

Anybody here have a transgender relative? How do you handle that?

One of my cousins is transgender. Born female. Now identifies as male. Has already undergone all of the surgery and all of that. Basically looks like a man. It might be tough to tell that "he" was born female unless he told you. Did a name change too. Let's just say from "Jenny" to "John".

Now me and this cousin aren't particularly close, but we are typically both at all of the major family holidays, and we have always gotten along. We are cool I would say, but not like best friends or anything.

Here is how I handle this. I call "him" by "John" and refer to him as "he" at family events. It is what it is. Look, I know plenty well that there are only two genders and one cannot just change one's gender, and that the Church rejects all of this gender-switching stuff (as do I). But when it comes down to a real-life situation that's still my cousin and I don't see what good would possibly come out of it if I were to be all like "I'm not calling you John. Your name is Jenny and you are a she . . ." That would cause a huge rift between me and my cousin, and possibly many other family members as well if I created that type of conflict.

Now, if John or any of my other family members asked me what I personally believed with respect to switching genders, I would try to respectfully and briefly explain that it conflicts with my religion, without trying to get into a huge argument or sounding judgmental about it.

I would say that luckily my cousin isn't really the type to try to impose his views on anyone. It's not like he really has an attitude that he demands that the world accept his choices. It's more like he's just trying to make it through life in a way that he feels he needs to. So far there haven't been any issues between us at all, although there is something a bit nagging in the back of my mind by referring to John as a "he" since my Church teaches what he did was not right. . .

[cruciatacara]

Peace, you will probably get a lot of responses that tell you to stand up and say something, confront the issue, etc. but all I have to say is that I think you are handling this very well. Your religion is obviously not his religion and to try to impose it on him would be arrogant in the extreme. To me, it would be akin to a Muslim insisting that all women around him cover up their hair and/or face (depending on how strict they are).

We have to 'live and let live' in this world unless we are going to try to establish a theocracy - and countries that do that don't always do too well on the human rights issues. I know all the arguments for speaking up, one true faith, saving souls etc, but this is just a case of common courtesy while in the presence of others who don't believe what you do.

Be a cousin and treat him with respect while in his presence. Vent and say what you want on forums like this or with Catholic friends.

[ReasonableFaith]

2 hours ago, Peace said:

Anybody here have a transgender relative? How do you handle that?

Yes. Quite a similar situation here, a cousin who is a male to female transgender person. Surgery situation is unknown to me, but she has undergone  hormone therapy along with a name change including a drivers license reflective of the change. 

 

I agree with you and act in a similar manner. Calling her by her new name and her preferred pronoun seems the humane and just polite thing to do. There are many and deep hurts from the past involving the extended family and I see no reason to perpetuate or exacerbate those hurts. 

 

We have attended mass together since her transition and I am happy to continue to do so in the future. 

 

I would note she has never asked me what I think of her transition, nor do I expect the question anytime in the future. A few family members have brought the issue up and my best response has been she is trying to do the very best she knows how. She sought more intimate input into her decision to transition than the opinion of her cousin. She doesn’t need my approval, just my acceptance. 

[GraceUk]

I think you are doing absolutely great. You are handling it in a kind, compassionate and sensitive way. 

[Nihil Obstat]

A few years ago I was the direct supervisor for a team that included a MTF transgender person. Had a gender neutral name, but after a while wanted to be called by a new name that was, in my opinion, an obvious 'statement', if you know what I mean.

Certainly not something I'm willing to lose my job over. I actually spent two years having never once used any pronouns to refer to him. I chose my words very carefully and I do not believe anyone ever realized I did it.

I was once asked, in a different context, if I had any issues with his identity, and my response was "I have no issues that affect my being able to work with X". Unfortunately it was also an HR nightmare, because this person had a pretty difficult attitude which led to a lot of unnecessary drama, which he would later claim were the effects of the female hormone regimen he took. HR had no specific guidelines or precedents with that kind of delicate situation, so they pretty much just told us we were on our own.

 

I never hide my religious beliefs at work, but I am also careful about when I offer anything, and to whom. Discretion is the better part of valour, I guess?

[Pax17]

You did the best you could under the circumstances without compromising your beliefs.  As a former director of employee communications who worked with HR people, I can say that until official policies and procedures regarding a specific situation are formulated and adopted, employees are left to fend for themselves.  You did good!

[CatherineM]

I’ve had lots of clients who were a variety of genders and sexuality. I try to take people where they are. 

[fides' Jack]

I think you already know my position.  There's a point at which you have to say "anathema".  If you don't, then you've failed to stand up for morality, which imho is one of the biggest reasons the world is such a mess today.

Quote

Do not think that I came to send peace upon earth: I came not to send peace, but the sword. For I came to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And as a man's enemies shall be they of his own household.

There is a time for saying, "no".  If it is not in the face of transgenderism, I have no idea when it would be.  That kind of seems like the last stand.

On the other hand, I'm not advocating for outright rudeness.  But certainly a refusal to call her a "him", as most have already done in this thread.  A name has a certain legal standing, in addition to its ties to Christian baptism (which largely doesn't exist, anymore).  So I could see an argument for calling her "John", since I'm assuming it was a legal name change.  I don't think there's any room in morality for referring to her as a "him".  

Last statement: I don't think you have to confront this person, but you should at least stand your ground if it comes up.  And even if you did decide to confront this person in Christian charity and truth (like I said not rudeness), it would certainly NOT be pushing your beliefs on her, contrary to popular opinions.

On 7/5/2021 at 1:42 PM, CatherineM said:

I’ve had lots of clients who were a variety of genders and sexuality. I try to take people where they are. 

I've dealt with every single gender there is.  All two of them.

[qfnol31]

First, this is a difficult situation, one which I think you have handled quite well.

I have a sibling (about 16 years younger than I am) who is undergoing FTM medical interventions. I am personally against this and wish my parents had been better educated/more willing to investigate in the beginning, but they weren't. I find myself in the awkward position of having my kids (who are 11 and younger) ask "Is M*** a girl or a boy?" They see pictures from my wedding where this sibling acted as a flower girl, wearing a white dress. Now they see pictures and M*** clearly looks like a guy.

I do my best not to use pronouns for this sibling (though I might have to give in and use "they/their/them," which seems to be the direction of society). This was originally a bit of an issue with my parents because they saw my decision as one of ignorance/judgment, but recently they've given up.

To make this worse, this sibling once approached me and asked me if I teach my children to respect the LGBTQ+ community and support their initiatives. I answered that I teach my children to respect the dignity of all individuals and to love them as they encounter them. Being pressed I had to say that my religious convictions prevent me from agreeing with that community's platform(s).

That said, I'm lucky because my sibling's name was made up by my parents and could refer to a girl or a guy just as easily.

I think it's good that you're asking these questions. They're tough, but it's clear they will become more common in our society in the coming years. I think it's important that you love your cousin, regardless of the circumstances. I think your decision to refer to your cousin using a male name/male pronouns is appropriate given the circumstances. It is also important to foster an honest, charitable relationship with your family.

I hope that none of them decide to make it an issue with you, but if they do I suggest you focus on why they are bringing the topic up with you. Be honest, but remember that there's probably something else going on if they raise the point. If you can discover what it is, it might help your conversation.

I will remember you and your family in my prayers. This is a tough position for you, but I think you've handled it well.

[debc]

I think you did well. Part of this culture is that we hear more now, but it's not new. In 1917 they did a transgender operation and believe it or not, in the 70's Robert Reed played one on Marcus Welby. I remember watching it with my mother and feeling bad he never felt "right" his whole life. No speeches from mom because it wasn't something I felt but always be polite to others and say little. 

I never lived in a small town or bubble of any kind. I have worked with gay coworkers since I started working at 20 and my closest coworker is gay and has been with someone for 15 years. My hair dresser is with is partner for 30. Out of 150 coworkers right now, about 15 I know are gay and it's so normal and part of society, that it isn't "What do I do?" because no one is asking me to change or vice versa. Most gay friends have left the Catholic church for Episcopal that believe in the Eucharist but welcome them as a couple. I understand both sides and just be a good friend, coworker or an occasional ear.