Were you scared?

[srmarymichael]

"Were you scared?"

That question was posed to me recently regarding my call to the Consecrated Life.

Great question!  Yes, I was very afraid . . . .  

First of all, the Sisters that taught us as children, from our perspective, were mean and grumpy and old.  So I thought that that's what it meant to be a Sister. They rarely showed us the real them.  We hardly ever saw them have fun or tell us about their friends or families or showed us that they were human.  

When I was about 13, my Mom planted the seed in me when she told me to be a Franciscan if I ever become a Sister.  I said to myself, "Don't worry. There's NO way I'll be a Sister" with my teen attitude and self-centeredness.  However, as time went by, the thought kept coming back.  I kept ignoring it, pushing it away, assuming that it was my mother's voice I was hearing, not God's. I assumed that the whole idea would disappear and I could live a normal life like everyone else I knew, especially my older siblings. 

Years went by - I didn't tell a soul that I thought God might be calling me.  I was afraid of what my friends would think.  I was afraid that it would be a life with no love (only service), no fun, etc.  I was afraid that I would have to lose my fun-loving personality.  There were tons of fears.  

Then little by little, God started working on me.  He's so patient and gentle.  The story is longer, esp. the part where I prayed and prayed for a good Catholic husband, but to cut to the end, I got to a point where I prayed, "God, if you want me to be a Sister, then you have to make me want to be a Sister." because I did not want to at that time.  

So little by little God started showing me that I had a lot of misconceptions about the Consecrated Life.  The biggest fear I had was that it was a life without love. I want to love and be loved like everyone else.  One day He invited me to a deep love with Him. I knew in my heart that He was calling me to a fulfilling love.  He would fulfill my desires and more!

I never looked back. This is what God made me for - can't imagine being anywhere else or living any other life. God is good!

[StThereseMaria]

Wow! So beautiful. So you heard the Call by God implanting the desire and thoughts of religious life in your mind?

[srmarymichael]

I started thinking about it first when my Mom said to me, "If you become a Sister, you should be a Franciscan."  I said to myself, "Well, you don't have to worry about that. I will NOT be a Sister" as I rolled my eyes as a 13 year old.  

One day I walked into Saturday night Mass and saw the Sisters sitting in the front row.  I said to myself, "Will that be me one day?  Nahhh."  Then the Responsorial Psalm that evening was, "If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart."  I had to have a little laugh about God's sense of humor.

Part of "hearing" the call was paying attention to what was happening inside of me.  No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, the thought of it was almost always there in the back of my mind.  When I "walked" toward marriage or tried to walk in that direction, I had "red flags" in my heart. Something was telling me that it wasn't the right direction.  I kept ignoring that too.  

When I finally had the courage to visit a convent (after years and also after God opening my heart to the beauties and truths of the Consecrated life), there were no red flags.  I had peace and joy!  

I started paying attention to my heart's reaction to different scenarios and talking with a trusted priest about it.  

Those are some examples how I "heard" God calling me . . .

[StThereseMaria]

Beautiful! 

[srmarymichael]

Many people fear what they think God might be calling them to.  What they do not take into account is the GRACE that God gives when He calls.

After God opened my heart and took away the lies (misconceptions) I was believing about the Consecrated Life, then I wanted it more than anything. The reason I knew it was a Real Call was because of the profound peace I had - I was detached in a new way from friends and material possessions and I just knew I had to go.  One thing that is important to understand is that God only gives us the grace when it's time.  When we look at things from a distance, before we get there, it looks too hard.  But when it's time for something, God showers us with grace!!!

For example, the martyrs - when it was time for them to offer their lives for Jesus, they were overwhelmed with grace and they did it with courage and joy!

Another example, My niece told me she could never have children. Too hard.  After she had her twins, she was the happiest woman in the world.  I was so happy to see the grace of motherhood in her.  (Some have the same fears about the vocation of marriage or priesthood.)

We many times fear things and do not realize the great gift and joy and grace in store for us if we're willing to Trust God.  If He calls us to something, He will help us to fulfill it and be filled with the Fruits of the Holy Spirit (Gal. 5:22)!

Jesus, I Trust in You!

Also, when I say "I was detached in a new way from friends . . . " - that does not mean that I did not have a deep love for them and enjoyed them immensely.  It just means that my heart had a new detachment that wasn't there before.  I still loved them all very much and couldn't wait to be with them again, but I knew that a deeper Love was calling me . . .