Anxiety over vocation

[Glau]

Hi all,

I just registered after reading some of the the posts here. I feel I need to take a weight off my chest. Sorry if this is too long or incomprehensible, english is not my first language. I have been feeling very anxious and stressed recently and i need some opinion (or maybe just to verbalize things...). 

So a few years ago I was an active young adult in a youth movement. I had been hoping to find a girlfriend and even praying for it. At an international meeting I finally found this girl and we started dating, and i was very hopeful. After a short period, my feelings disappeared, which lead to broke up and great distress and anxiety to me, panic crisis and attacks included. I remember thinking then that it might be that i should become a priest, a though that also brought anxiety to me, and that eventually disappeared after I stopped wrestling with it. In the end, however,  everything exploded in a monumental crisis of faith, due to some underlying doubts that I had been omitting for long, and i lost  my faith in a very painful process. I left my city to flee from my previous life, and started studying philosophy to address some issues, because i deeply hoped that my existential/nihilistic crisis would eventually end and I would come back to faith again. 

Fast forward to january this year. I had come to terms with some philosophical issues (I am a very intelectual person, tend to overthinking stuff and overanalyzing). This coincided with a friend inviting me to join a local youth group, which I did. I met wonderful people and started going to mass and adoration again, praying that I build up strong faith again. A month ago, I realised i had feeling for a girl here, which i tried to reject due to the pain that the last relationship intent brought me. I kept thinking that i would screw up again, and bring pain to me, to her and to the youth movement. But the feeling stuck, and I realised I really liked her and she likes me too. I think it could be a beautiful relationship, and that she could help me back to a strong faith. If only, my fear is that I am too little for her. 

But with my fear that I would fail in this again, also came that old feeling of becoming a priest, which grew distress in me again. On friday i was watching a movie about testimonies, and the testimony of a young adult came in which he realized god was calling him to priesthood even if he rejected the idea. This troubled me, and I can't keep the though out of my head. I don't really want to be a priest and i keep looking for signs and interpreting, and every time i think i don't want to I then think that because of this It is really my vocation. I am really agitated, even more because I don't know what to do with this girl which I like and who is waiting for me to take the first step. I have some moments of real peace, where i see myself with her, begin a christian in academia (where I work) and being involved in catholic movements, but then this pressure of priesthood comes and I become distressed again. I have spent three days on the internet, trying to find whether this anxiety and fear indicates vocation. I also don't understand how starting to grow faith again I should have this call, but when i think of rejecting it It then comes back for this precise reason. 

I am sorry this is a mess, it is all i have inside. I know the call is supposed to bring peace, but the thought of priesthood is recurrent. My only peace comes when i go back to how things were a few weeks ago, begginnig to know this community and this person, but then i doubt if this is real pace or just relief that I don't have to be a priest or what...The thing is I am a very capable person and knowledgeable, and I guess this presses me towards this call given that it's "higher" than other calls, i don't know...

For example, i feel very relieved after writing this, and i don't feel i should be a priest, and I think i should date this girl...But i am sure in a few minutes my anxiety would come back, and I would doubt her and my call and my religious life.

Is it possible that the devil induces this to keep me from closer to god? The thing is when I ruminate this negative feelings I feel despise for this youth movement, which I don't understand...

I apologize again for the length. I understand if nobody replied, but letting this out has already helped me. 

Peace. 

[Swami Mommy]

You have mentioned twice in your post that you don’t really want to be a priest.  You have answered your own question.  The fact that you are mentioning the priesthood only in connection with your anxiety over dating and having your heart broken seems to indicate to me that on some level, you are using thoughts of the priesthood as a way to deflect your attention from your apparent dating anxiety and your insecurity about being a suitable dating companion and the fear of feeling vulnerable.  I think you really know what you want—a relationship, a career in academia and participation in a faith-based community—because you talk about that in a MUCH more concrete way than about becoming a priest, but you don’t trust your inner promptings.

Listen: there are NO perfect routes in life—no matter which choice of life path you make, there will be challenges as well as joys.  If you tend more towards intellectualism, then no matter which way you choose to move through life, your path will probably throw challenging opportunities your way to balance out your go-to mental approach to life with more heart-centered interactions.  Do you want to grow as a person?  Then choose the path that will force you to access parts of yourself that are underdeveloped.  Or not.  There are no wrong choices; just different lessons.  Good luck.

[jubilatedeo]

I might offer in the view of Catholicism, it is important when discerning one's own vocation that we are not asking the question "what we want" but rather, "Lord what are you calling me to do with my life in the way of a vocation?" It does not really matter what "we" want, it matters most that we follow what the Lord's Will is for our life, otherwise we will meet unnecessary suffering. 

It also sounds like "potentially" there could be underlying issues of anxiety that are related neither to the priesthood nor dating, but rather is the cause of some underlying root that has not been dealt with. 

Another thought, it may be helpful to find a spiritual director if you do not already have one.

God Bless You.

[gloriana35]

Swami Mommy made excellent points. You seem to be wound up with anxiety and fear. (That happens to many of us.) In your case, may I caution respectfully against thinking 'it does not matter what we want, but about God's will.' This can get you into a bigger knot - your not wanting to be a priest can become a sacrifice you have to make because it's God's will.

Many people, perhaps most, and even those who've been happily married for many years, had a dating relationship that did not work. That hardly means that you should fear any further dating. 

Spiritual direction is very hard to find. I hope you manage to find someone who can help you sort this - get it into focus. See God as wanting you to be happy! (Not that anyone is all of the time.) It sounds to me as if academia, the group, and possibly going with the girl is what you want now, and you mustn't let fear and guilt make you think God wants whatever we want least! 

[truthfinder]

I'm going to put this here: "The question of vocation itself so far as the candidate is concerned may be put in these terms: Are you doing a thing which is pleasing to God in offering yourself to the seminary or the novitiate? And the answer depends on the preceding data: yes, if your intention is honest, and if your strength is sufficient for the work."

Which comes from the Catholic Encyclopedia: https://www.newadvent.org/cathen/15498a.htm

Now, that whole article is very long, and very academic in some ways, but may actually be great reading for you because you mention your tendency to intellectualize.  It discusses the extreme thought (on either end of the spectrum) which can afflict discernment.

Although the text probably was not quite intended this way, "honest" and "pleasing to God" would most likely not include joining a monastery or seminary out of fear or anxiety (one might even be able to make a case that it would violate canon law in terms of needing to be able to freely consent). 

[underatree]

It sounds like when you think about becoming a priest you feel fear and anxiety; when you think about a relationship with this woman, you feel peace. That seems like a very clear direction/indication to me.

Sometimes people who are more intellectual can also be somewhat neurotic, and many people suffer from intrusive/obsessive thoughts related to faith. I wonder if the idea you have about being a priest is perhaps one of those intrusive or obsessive thoughts.

If you were a friend of mine, asking for advice, then based on what you've shared I would suggest that you dismiss the idea of priesthood and pursue a relationship with this woman. If you don't want to be a priest, please don't try to become a priest. The church has plenty of priests/religious who don't want to be priests/religious, and every year some of them are laicized/dispensed from vows.

The idea of one call being "higher" in some way than another is not useful for most of us, because we don't live in a perfect world and we are not perfect people. The best vocation for you is the one you can live, not the one you can't.

[Anastasia]

Glau

Your pattern of thoughts/reactions seems to be OCD-consistent. That is not surprising of course since you have such a  palpable level of anxiety and fears.

I think you need not to think about a possible vocation of a priest or how your relationship would turn out but to simply address your issues (fears, anxieties), to address yourself as a person before God and regardless others and other possibilities. I would try to get to the very core of the fears and anxieties. 

If I am correct about obsessive thinking (it is really hard to advice a person online) here is a very useful book :  Ian Osborn MD, 'Can Christianity Cure Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder?: A Psychiatrist Explores the Role of Faith in Treatment Paperback'. Among other things, it speaks about the tendency of people with anxiety to be responsible for everything and not letting God to have a share of a responsibility.

PS You write "God" with a low case first letter. The consensus is that only false gods are written with a low case.

Edited April 27, 2021 by Anastasia

[OneHeart]

I don’t have advice for you.  But I’ve experienced anxiety before, and I know how painful it can be.  Especially when it is related to trying to discern the Lord’s voice or the Lord’s will.  I’ll pray a rosary for you today.