When to stop persevering

[SicutColumba]

How far am I supposed to persevere in my vocation? When do I have to admit that it’s time to give up? 
Everything was going so well and I was so sure but now I am up against some newfound insurmountable material obstacles that are going to cost me enormous amounts of money that I don’t have, and even if I had the money it wouldn’t solve the bureaucratic issues. Right now it literally seems impossible to get through the paperwork, through the bureaucracy, through the money problems. I’m trapped and there is no way out. I don’t know anything anymore. 
Is God just trying to see if I’ll push through to the bitter end to reach him? Or is he just letting me know that the religious life is not for me by means of these obstacles which are probably going to prevent or at least postpone my entry? I want to enter more than anything but I’ve lost heart, I have no courage anymore, there’s literally no way I can figure this out. I am doubting now and I can’t discern if these doubts are temptations or something of real substance. 
I feel like giving this all up but I know I won’t be able to forgive myself if I do. Am I just beating a dead horse or do I have to keep pushing? How am I supposed to know???

Edited April 25, 2021 by SicutColumba

[ReasonableFaith]

In times of such trouble it is often wise to consult one’s spiritual director or possibly the recruitment personnel of the community. 
 

It may also be worth considering discernment is a process rather than a vocation. Any religious vocation will be confirmed by both the one wishing for membership and the receiving community. 
 

If their are monetary concerns preventing entry The Laboure Society was formed to help with such issues. Essentially it is a fund designed to help applicants with certain types of debts which may prevent or delay entry. 
 

 

[JHFamily]

I always tell my children to look for the open doors in regard to their future and to keep as many of them open for as long as possible. The way you phrased this post, it seems that a door has closed for you. Speaking to someone that has been helping you in this journey will help you to discern whether this is the case.

[gloriana35]

I pray this works out well for you. I agree that direction, if you have it available, can help you sort this out.

God holds all in existence - but be careful about assuming that everything that happens in life is God's doing, in any other sense. (If I glanced at any day's headlines, and thought God directs everything on earth, I'd agree with Bertrand Russell that it would be the purpose of a fiend.)  I have been skint. Times of huge financial strain can make everything seem impossible.

 

[underatree]

From your post it sounds like a crisis of some sort, sudden and unexpected, has arisen. Any time that we are in crisis we can be sure of one thing: that it is not a good time to seriously discern. Depending on the type of crisis, it can make different responses necessary; regardless, an important principle of good discernment is freedom. Not just intellectual freedom but emotional and spiritual freedom as well; I've known people who were so emotionally attached to the idea of themselves as a priest or nun that they agonized over the thought that God might be disappointed in them if they left/failed to enter.

God, the creator of the universe, who knows you better than you know yourself and loves you more than you can imagine, has not been caught off guard by this crisis. Perhaps he will make a way forward, to everything you had dreamed; perhaps the way will be different than planned. The congregation that first caught my eye was not the congregation I later entered, and it turned out that entering and leaving that congregation was an intense spiritual preparation for the life I live now. None of it was what I expected, some of it was painful and difficult, but looking back I say with God, "It is good."

[Anastasia]

7 hours ago, SicutColumba said:

Is God just trying to see if I’ll push through to the bitter end to reach him? Or is he just letting me know that the religious life is not for me by means of these obstacles which are probably going to prevent or at least postpone my entry? I want to enter more than anything but I’ve lost heart, I have no courage anymore, there’s literally no way I can figure this out.

I can relate to your pain and confusion. However, no one can give you a very personal advice unless he knows your circumstances and you.

Speaking of more general thing, the first one that came to my mind was the rule of St Ignatius of Loyola "never make any serious decision while in a state of desolation".

The second thing is from the Eastern Orthodox attitude to the situation when there is a huge desire and conviction to enter a monastery yet there are many, many obstacles which keep arising. We do not have different Orders so it is basically about "I want to become a nun" and testing that desire. We do not think in terms of "vocation" etc. Usually the wisdom is that if God gave a soul such a desire (if it is a true desire, not a desire to escape etc.) He will provide her with the fulfillment of that desire, how and where and when is up to Him. The canonical obstacles for becoming a nun  in the Orthodoxy are having children which did not reach adulthood and old parents who have no other person to care for them and also debts (there is no age limit for becoming a monastic in Orthodoxy) .

So, if a person has obstacles (not necessary canonical) but wants to become a nun a usual advice of a confessor (if he discerns the desire is sound) is to give that intention to God and meanwhile to live like a life close to a life of a nun (prayer, fasting, reading, obedience to own parents and a confessor etc.) Some people who live that way became monastic very late in a life. Some, after many years, would become "monastics in the world" i.e. they would be made monastics by their Bishops yet they would not live in a monastery. Some I suppose would never enter but lived lives totally dedicated to God, hidden in the world.

From the personal experience, I am convinced that the Lord knows very well what a person needs. I always wanted to be a nun but it never happened. Looking back I can it would not be a good path for me when was very young, for many reasons. Instead I belong to the Third Order of Carmel and it suits my soul's needs perfectly. I would never be who I am now without Carmelite spirituality. Yet, if when I was much younger someone would told me I would enter Lay Carmel I would laugh if I knew what Carmel is. But I did not even know such phenomenon exists.

So take heart and trust God. A total surrender to Our Lord really works. I find the Novena of a total surrender to God to be very helpful.

Edited April 26, 2021 by Anastasia

[Antigonos]

Take a deep breath, stand back, try to detach emotionally enough to be able to make a more effective and objective assessment.  If you have an SD, discuss the situation.  Flexibility is a great virtue, as is patience.  And both can be quite difficult to achieve!

It seems to me that everyone, everywhere, at some time experiences the feeling that nothing is working out.  I can well remember, when my kids were small, feeling absolutely overwhelmed and utterly alone, even though married -- so it's not just a vocational thing! -- at times.  But if there's one thing I've learned from life, it's that nothing ever stays the same.  When doors close [if they close], others open -- sometimes extremely unexpectedly and in ways one never contemplated.

I'll be thinking of you, and hoping your situation clarifies.

[juchu]

You have certainly heard of one of the basic rules of discernment of st.ignatius. In a time of desolation and crisis, we do not have the lucidity to take a decision. It is important to acknowledge that you are living a difficult time right now and that those obstacles have arised.

You are describing that the main issues are problems of bureaucratic and money. You are saying that there is "no way that you will figure this out". Maybe a question that you can ask yourself : What do I need right now to find peace again? To listen to God in order to feel how He wants to figure this out for you ? He is in there with you. You are not alone.

Maybe changing places will help you to refocus and to give you space to ask these questions freely ? Where you have a bit of distance to the community you are thinking of entering?  I am not very often around here, but somewhere i think i read you are in europe, but maybe i am wrong. Maybe it could be an idea to find a spot as a volunteer in a christian environment where you have little or no living expenses and the possibility to focus on prayer, simple work and discernment. If you are in europe, you can pm me and i can write you some ideas.

Edited April 26, 2021 by juchu

[Guest]

It can be very difficult when I have my heart set on something to recall that God's Will for me is in the present moment.  Don't try and abandon your heart's desire because of difficulty - take it slowly just one day at a time and what you discern needs to be done in that day, uniting yourself with Him.  Things will be very clear to you in God's Time, His Way, and you might be surprised at just how He fulfills your heart's desire and He Will.

Desolation so called, or great difficulty and a certain emotional, even mental, upheaval with it, is not the time for big decisions as others have stated.  And if you can consult wise and holy counsel, do so.  Remember theirs is advice, yours is the decision.  In the past, if I have tended to disagree with wise and holy counsel, I have discussed it with the person.  The road is for the journey, not the destination.

We can take wrong steps, make wrong decisions etc. etc. along the way - it is not a time for self flagellation as it were, time to acknowledge responsibility and make things right if you can.  If you can't, accept it in a spirit of repentance and then move on as if nothing had happened.  Because we are fallible, faulted and weak creatures, the Good Lord does not let us go because of failures, oh not at all, rather it is the reason He will never let us go no matter what.   Many are the stories of religious who had a very difficult road to the cloister, priests and brothers with the same. I am not a religious incidentally.   I do find the prayer of Thomas Merton helpful as jolly good theology, besides the great consolation it offers.

Prayer for your vocational discernment and journey.

The Merton Prayer

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road,

though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though
I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death,

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

[SicutColumba]

Thank you all for the replies. You are all so helpful. 
I was really tired and hungry and stressed when I posted this last night and while nothing’s changed I feel a lot calmer about this. C’était la crise : I wasn’t really reflecting on things. I do think there is hope and after seeking spiritual support I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel. I think I have a dangerous tendance to believe that the will of God manifests itself to me by the direct events unfolding right in front of me, or that everything  is a sign from God, when that’s not necessarily true. 
Anyway I’m going to start praying for sheer, total, utter abandonment to the will of God, and I would like to confide this whole affair to your prayers. 
What makes it both easier and harder is that not many of my friends are aware that I’m going to enter; on one hand it’s great because if it ends up not working out we won’t have said goodbye already, on the other hand it’s hard not being able to confide in them. But I’m going to keep moving forward and keep planning on my entry. Thank you all. 

[Antigonos]

Hey, Juchu, long time no hear!  How's things?