When you just can't get over a seminarian

[RosaMystica]

On 2/24/2021 at 6:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

So last January I met this guy and we hit it off great! We were fast friends and honestly, it was just so easy to pick up the phone and talk about anything. A few months into our friendship he mentioned he was discerning the priesthood. I said that sounded great, because honestly I wasn't attracted to him at the time. Yet, we kept on talking and over the months I a) started to like him and b) wondered how serious he was discerning since we would talk everyday. It was just kinda confusing. Eventually he went into seminary; he's there now and I haven't talked to him since (except for a Merry Christmas message). I never told him I liked him and we never talked about our friendship and how intense it was. It was just one day we were the best of friends and the next (the day he entered) we weren't. I get that he needs boundaries, and honestly I need them too but I miss my friend. Honestly I think that hurts the most, is the friendship that's no longer there. I still like him, given the topic heading, I just can't seem to move on and honestly part of me doesn't want to. It's a pretty terrible situation. I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts? I could use all the help I can get. Thanks for whoever has read this far. I tried to keep it as short as possible. 

As strong as the temptation may be to talk  to him,  I would keep giving the space you’re giving him. Discernment, especially in a seminary or monastery, is hard enough without adding in  that a girl may have romantic feelings for him. There’s always that  temptation for those discerning that the grass is greener on the other side so don’t be that temptation for him. If you truly care about the guy then forget yourself and move on.

[ReasonableFaith]

On 2/24/2021 at 5:58 PM, Fiatgirl95 said:

I guess my question is, do I have to cut him off completely or can I message him every few months just to see how his life is going? I don't want to be any kind of distraction or deterrent from staying in seminary. I honestly just want my friend back. Thoughts?

It may be worth consideration that you developed a friendship with someone over the course of 8 months or so and now have only received one holiday pleasantry over the course of 7 months or so. This alone may contain some insight into the feelings on the opposite side of the relationship.  
 

A quick rundown of the events surrounding your friend. The seminarian has been offered the opportunity to discern a possible priestly vocation within the environment of a program for priestly formation. A vocation director advanced the candidate to the application phase. After a review of the relevant information, acceptance was offered by a seminary admissions committee and sponsorship extended by the diocesan bishop. At current all parties are perpetuating the status quo...continued discernment. (If a religious institute conditions differ slightly.) 
 

This acceptance is not a indication by The Church the candidate has a vocation to the priesthood. It is an indication the candidate may have a vocation to the priesthood and appears to be a suitable candidate for holy orders/ordination. Discernment in this program is a two-way street. The seminarian is exploring his possible vocation and The Church will confirm or deny the vocation if the seminarian continues to positively discern such a vocation. This will be done by the rector of the seminary in consultation with the formation/ordination committee. Their determination will mostly likely be confirmed by the diocesan bishop.

If your friend entered a major seminary (graduate level) the odds of ordination are in the neighborhood of 50% give or take. In general,  the likelihood of ordination increases the longer one remains in a formation program. 
 

The seminarian will be expected to demonstrate a capability to develop and maintain healthy, appropriate relationships with persons both female and male. A demonstrated inability to do so will likely be noted in a permanent formation file and may present a formation issue/stumbling block to ordination. If the seminary is connected to a university the seminarian will be offered the opportunity to demonstrate this capability with persons outside the formation program on a more consistent basis than in a more isolated formation program, where such opportunities may be largely restricted to work and ministry programs. 
 

I think you have received some good and practical advice. Other responses seem to be rooted in a fear of ‘Chalice Chippers’ or ‘Chalice Chipping’, a perceived situation in which a person with a romantic interest in a seminarian lures them out of the seminary despite the seminarian’s true vocation to the priesthood or true desire to continue in formation. This notion puts the onus on the person harboring the interest in the seminarian to contain their feelings while diminishing the responsibilities of the seminarian to effectively deal with inter-personal relationships and romantic advances in a mature way. Entering seminary is an act of free will, accepting holy orders is an act of free will, voluntarily leaving the seminary to pursue a romantic interest is also an act of free will.

If the formation program has a balanced and healthy approach your friend will have recourse to persons able to provide sound advice on how to deal with inter-personal relationships, romantic interests and romantic advances in the interior forum. Likely this advice will come through confessors, spiritual directors and psychological clinicians. Advice sought from formation staff would likely occur in the exterior forum with potential to find its way into the permanent file. Guidance will also be offered on appropriate friendships, female and male, with those inside and outside of the program. 
 

As a bit of an aside, seminarians will likely have to deal with romantic interests/advances/crushes while in formation and ordained clerics often deal with the same. These interests, crushes, and advances may come in many different forms and must be handled in a mature fashion. Mere isolation from such occurrences presents a potential for turning out immature clerics unable to deal with the these issues and develop healthy, inter-personal relationships in the community at large.

I would suggest you can handle your issue as you please...contact or not contact.  It would be appropriate to carefully examine your own motives.  The thoughtful response from the current seminarian seems well worth consideration.  It may also do you well to consider how contacting your friend may or may not affect your ability to move on with your life.  In any course of action I wish the best for you and your friend.

 

[tinytherese]

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/10/discern-this-drama-boy.html

http://seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com/2010/12/auntie-seraphic-ex-seminarians.html