Is Community Rebounding a Thing?

[Crucesignata]

Hey Pham!  

I’ve never “gone steady” before in the dating world, but I’ve always been told that rebound crushes are a thing to watch out for.  They say to not immediately start dating after a breakup.  Seems wise to me.

Does anyone have insight into if/to what degree that applies to the religious life discernment as well?  

Like, if you discern out of a community, is it wise to wait a while before searching out or contacting other communities? Or would that depend on the situation and the person?

Any insight from you discernment veterans, more experienced peeps, or VDs would be most appreciated. 
 

Happy feast of the Immaculate Conception to you all...and happy year of St. Joseph!!  ^_^

In Corde Matris,

Crucesigata

[Lilllabettt]

It depends!

Yes I think it's a *thing* in that it is a real phenomenon. 

I think the risk is higher to the degree that discerning out was traumatic. I would say there is such a thing as vocational rebound, in general. I think sometimes when we are facing a period of ambiguity and perhaps disappointment, there is a temptation to move on from those uncomfortable things ASAP, find a new direction and get going vs. sit and learn from them. I know when I left the convent I began researching other communities immediately. I was suffering the loss of my "identity" and the thought of reclaiming it was my only consolation. The possibility that it might not be my identity after all, was too painful to entertain. Which of course, is not the best foundation for discernment.

As a married woman I have seen situations where, from the outside at least, it seemed a married couple who were experiencing the initial stages of an infertility diagnosis, raced ahead to the adoption process. They were maybe terrified of sitting with the possibility that God might not intend for them to be parents and how different that would be from what they planned for themselves. 

On the other hand. I went to high school with a girl who entered a convent, stayed a year, and then left and was married and pregnant within a year. She appears happy and fulfilled these nearly 20 years,  so who is to say it was imprudent? In some ways religious life in particular is a setting of intense discernment - one might learn as much about themselves in a year of religious life as lay people do in 10 years ...so, if after some time in religious life one feels certain they are called to marriage who can say anything about it?  And there are, every year, perpetually professed religious who discern a calling to leave one community and join another; and in many cases they accomplish this discernment without ever leaving religious life at all. They do not, in other words, need time to "be on their own" to see clearly.

The answer in my opinion is, "it depends." Like so many things on VS!  But  for sure, many good religious communities are aware of this phenomenon and are on guard for it as part of their pastoral care of discerners.

[Sponsa-Christi]

I think Lilllabettt is spot on. 

In my own experience, rushing to discern a vocation to consecrated virginity right after leaving religious life is definitely a thing!

It's also a very bad idea! There is often this idea floating around in religious life circles that consecrated virginity is like "religious life lite," or a sort of generic way to be technically consecrated without living in community. But without intending to refer to any individual CV specifically, I personally have never seen any woman live a life of consecrated virginity that was happy and fruitful after having been consecrated with this kind of "last resort/catch all vocation" mindset. 

I think it is entirely possible that an ex-religious could come to discover a true vocation to consecrated virginity. But in a case like this, I think she would have to have a very strong understanding of consecrated virginity's unique charism. If I were mentoring an ex-religious who was discerning CV, I would insist that she take some time to process her time in religious life and the circumstances surrounding her departure before she started any formal discernment or formation program for consecrated virginity. 

[Nunsuch]

The community with which I am an Associate would not even consider an applicant for vowed membership or transfer (ie, someone already in perpetual vows) unless/until they'd spent at least a year in exclaustration (if vowed) or in remote discernment. And they'd expect such a candidate to work extensively with community members who are trained in psychology as well as spirituality before even considering them. Of course, this is a community that has a pretty long and rigorous admissions process under any circumstance. 

They do have a number of transfer sisters, and in fact the current president of the community was originally a novice in another congregation before she found "ours." 

[Crucesignata]

Thank y'all for the replies!

For clarification:  the question had to do with the time in between discerning out of an order before Postulancy--before entering or taking vows--and initial communication with a new order.

Edited December 9, 2020 by Crucesignata

[Nunsuch]

33 minutes ago, Crucesignata said:

Thank y'all for the replies!

For clarification:  the question had to do with the time in between discerning out of an order before Postulancy--before entering or taking vows--and initial communication with a new order.

So you were never actually IN the community.... Communication is not really being in community, is it?

[Crucesignata]

5 hours ago, Nunsuch said:

So you were never actually IN the community.... Communication is not really being in community, is it?

Well, hypothetically, let's say aspirancy and observership (extensive live-in period)

[beatitude]

7 hours ago, Crucesignata said:

Well, hypothetically, let's say aspirancy and observership (extensive live-in period)

I have seen what might be described as "rebounding" in this context, always with women who seemed absolutely certain that the first community was where they were meant to be, before abruptly deciding that they were really supposed  to be elsewhere. They would use very positive language ("God showed me that..." or "God told me...") and seem to make no time or space for reflection before contacting the next community (or communities in the plural). My own sense is that either they were frightened of taking the next step and wanted to remain perpetually on the threshold of a community, which obviously no community will permit indefinitely; or that the first community had gently dissuaded them and they struggled to cope with the idea that they might not have a religious vocation at all.

[gloriana35]

Your initially saying you 'discerned out' gave me the impression that you'd been a member of a congregation. If so, I'd agree with the approach Nunsuch mentioned. 

There's no one answer here. If you only were in communication with a community, and decided not to pursue it further, there could be reasons that are practical. (I often have to remember that, where, in 'my day', candidates may have known many religious - and from various communities - many Catholics today had minimal contact, if any. When I was in Catholic primary school, there were 16 Sisters just in that convent.) I've noticed that some participants on this forum communicated with communities entirely through the Internet - I could see where, even if one had respect for a community, they might have elements which would make one see she wouldn't be suitable.

Spiritual direction is very difficult to find - but I hope there is someone with true discernment who can help you sort this. (And I don't mean someone a well-meaning friend or relative knows, who might promise to 'talk you out of it' before s/he even knows you.) There is nothing wrong with carefully considering to which community one might be called - but, especially if you communicated, then decided that congregation wasn't for you, you might (as anyone could) see other communities through a glass of what you didn't like in the community you first explored.

Edited December 9, 2020 by gloriana35
typo

[GraceUk]

I suppose the circumstances of every person is different. In these short biographies you sometimes see of nuns on convent websites. Sister so and so spent many happy years as a sister in such an order before deciding to transfer to this contemplative order. I have seen this a few times. Not seen a transfer from contemplative to active but this must happen.

I too thought from your post that you had actually entered an order.  I think as long as you are honest with the sisters involved in your discernment it's ok to say you are now not sure if your vocation is with their order and you are thinking again what God wants you to do and what direction you are going in. And exploring other orders. But it's important not to rush things. Some people spend years discerning before making a commitment. I don't think this matters in the long run. 

 

 

 

[Nunsuch]

1 hour ago, GraceUk said:

. Some people spend years discerning before making a commitment. I don't think this matters in the long run. 

 

 

 

This is true. But, as a wise woman I knew once said: "We're all in favor of late bloomers--but not necessarily in favor of century plants!" At some point, it's time to decide. Discerning itself is not a vocation.

[SicutColumba]

4 hours ago, GraceUk said:

I suppose the circumstances of every person is different. In these short biographies you sometimes see of nuns on convent websites. Sister so and so spent many happy years as a sister in such an order before deciding to transfer to this contemplative order. I have seen this a few times. Not seen a transfer from contemplative to active but this must happen.

I too thought from your post that you had actually entered an order.  I think as long as you are honest with the sisters involved in your discernment it's ok to say you are now not sure if your vocation is with their order and you are thinking again what God wants you to do and what direction you are going in. And exploring other orders. But it's important not to rush things. Some people spend years discerning before making a commitment. I don't think this matters in the long run. 

 

 

 

I think this is good advice. As long as you’re honest with yourself and the community I think this is just a turn that a discernment could take. It depends, though. I would talk to my spiritual director. 

I don’t know if “rebounding” is the right term. To me that word implies a rejection, and in this case it’s more of a change of heart or mind. It might not be very prudent to be asked to leave and go immediately to a new order as some kind of comfort. That’d be a real rebound and I don’t think it’d be healthy to jump right back in without some serious discernment and spiritual direction. It’s a different story if you find, for example, that the active community you are in or discerning with is not for you and that you’re instead called to a cloistered community with which you’ve already been in contact. 

[Antigonos]

10 hours ago, Nunsuch said:

This is true. But, as a wise woman I knew once said: "We're all in favor of late bloomers--but not necessarily in favor of century plants!" At some point, it's time to decide. Discerning itself is not a vocation.

I can remember at least one forum member for whom discerning was definitely a way of life.  It allowed her the fantasy of belonging to a community without the committment.  Eventually she dropped out of sight.

[DeoOptimoMaximo]

Simple and quick answer: for those considering seminary and the priesthood, typically inquirers are asked to wait 2 years after they leave their previous formation program before applying to another one... 

[gloriana35]

This is general - by no means only applicable to consecrated life. I think we need to be very cautious about thinking that everything that happens means that God wants or doesn't want anything. In an earlier post, there was a reference to how a couple who are infertile might get on an adoption list because they cannot accept that God doesn't want them to have children. Lots of people are infertile - I've known many couples (infertile or not - my cousin, who has four children, adopted another to prevent a young woman he knew from having an abortion) who adopted, and there is no moral objection (as some have to IVF.) Not being able to conceive is a natural problem, and doesn't mean 'God doesn't want you to be a parent.'

I'll not even get started with all of the sadness I have seen, which stemmed from someone's acting on (or feeling utterly shattered by) an idea that "God doesn't want" something.