Too Young?

[StrivingforSainthood]

Hi!

I am new here on phatmass, so I am not sure If I am doing this correctly, but I would really like some advice.... I am a cradle Catholic, and after getting closer to my faith in the past few years, I started the discernment of religious life. While I am still not 100% positive, I think that this is what God is calling me to do. I am currently a junior in highschool, and after I graduate I would love to enter postulancy or candidacy with an order. After doing some research, my  favorite order is the Sister Adorers of the Royal Heart of Jesus with the ICKSP.  I also am interested in the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. I have several questions that I would love If anyone would help me with:

1. Since my birthday is in September, after senior year when I will hopefully be applying to be a postulant  I will be 19. Will the religious order be concerned that I will be so young? Will my age be considered a negative factor in deciding whether I would be fit for postulancy? Are most of the Sister Adorers or Benedictines college graduates? 

2. When should I begin inquring about candidacy and writing to the orders to show my interest, If I would like to begin postulancy within six months- a year of my highschool graduation?

3. When I do begin to inquire with orders, will they be concerned that I do not have a Spirituality director? (I am shy and seeking a Spiritual director seems like a daunting task.)

4.  (This is related to question one.)  Am I too young? Should I attend college first? (I know that I am young, but I am so eager to join an order, and I feel that college is not necessary if I want to become a nun.)

I apologize that this is so long, and I appreciate any response. 
AMDG.

[Lea]

Hi @StrivingforSainthood welcome to phatmass.

Some orders require their aspirants to bring a college degree, some don't. Also, the minimum age may vary, mostly it's 18 or 21. 

As far as I know, the Benedictines of Mary and the Sister Adorers accept aspirants right out of highschool. @GodricOfFinchale can you provide further info? 

Lastly: a bunch of discerning people here in the high school/college age have a private chat. Let me know if you want to join! (: 

 

[JHFamily]

My daughter entered the Carmelites right out of high school, and she loves her life there. She just finished her canonical year as a novice. She began writing as a junior. I think this was good because it gave them time to know each other, gave her time to ask questions, and gave them time to ask questions about her, too. They asked her to either have a regular confessor or a spiritual director. Though she had a regular confessor, she decided to have a spiritual director, too.

This momma believes that if God is calling now (and He seems to be), then you should go right out of high school rather than going to college. It's really hard to do something when your heart is somewhere else.  Now, if the Sister Adorers or Benedictines ask you to go to college or get a job for a while, don't misread that as "I don't have a vocation," but rather there is simply an area in which you need to grow before entering.

[PaxCordisJesu]

1. Your age is definitely not a problem. A few years ago, the Benedictines of Mary accepted a postulant who was just seventeen (there may have been others) and she recently made her first profession. I don't know about the Sister Adorers, but I believe many of the Benedictines of Mary entered right out of high school, though I know several did go to college first. 

2. According to Cor Orans, before entering as a postulant you have to be an aspirant for one year. I don't know if this means you must be accepted by the convent and then you can begin your year of aspirancy, but you should probably be getting into touch with orders by this spring or next fall at the latest. 

3. You probably shouldn't need one, as the novice mistress will work with you. They may request that you get one.

4. No, you are not too young, and you don't have to go to college. If you truly feel you have a vocation, then enter out of high school. Even if you end up discerning out, it still will give you an excellent formation in virtue.

P.S. I am a senior in high school, and have to go to college first. Please pray for me that these years go by fast! I really wanted to enter out of high school too. 

P.S.2. Benedictines of Mary are an option for me too. If ever you contact or visit them, do you mind sharing?

[PaxCordisJesu]

6 hours ago, Lea said:

Hi @StrivingforSainthood welcome to phatmass.

Some orders require their aspirants to bring a college degree, some don't. Also, the minimum age may vary, mostly it's 18 or 21. 

As far as I know, the Benedictines of Mary and the Sister Adorers accept aspirants right out of highschool. @GodricOfFinchale can you provide further info? 

Lastly: a bunch of discerning people here in the high school/college age have a private chat. Let me know if you want to join! (: 

 

Could I join? Thanks!

[sr.christinaosf]

Different orders will have different stipulations.  You will want to visit the communities, after discussion with them. 

There is so much you don't know until you visit.

Do you have a spiritual director or pastor you can talk things over with?

[Lilllabettt]

16 hours ago, StrivingforSainthood said:

Hi!

I am new here on phatmass, so I am not sure If I am doing this correctly, but I would really like some advice.... I am a cradle Catholic, and after getting closer to my faith in the past few years, I started the discernment of religious life. While I am still not 100% positive, I think that this is what God is calling me to do. I am currently a junior in highschool, and after I graduate I would love to enter postulancy or candidacy with an order. After doing some research, my  favorite order is the Sister Adorers of the Royal Heart of Jesus with the ICKSP.  I also am interested in the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles. I have several questions that I would love If anyone would help me with:

1. Since my birthday is in September, after senior year when I will hopefully be applying to be a postulant  I will be 19. Will the religious order be concerned that I will be so young? Will my age be considered a negative factor in deciding whether I would be fit for postulancy? Are most of the Sister Adorers or Benedictines college graduates? 

2. When should I begin inquring about candidacy and writing to the orders to show my interest, If I would like to begin postulancy within six months- a year of my highschool graduation?

3. When I do begin to inquire with orders, will they be concerned that I do not have a Spirituality director? (I am shy and seeking a Spiritual director seems like a daunting task.)

4.  (This is related to question one.)  Am I too young? Should I attend college first? (I know that I am young, but I am so eager to join an order, and I feel that college is not necessary if I want to become a nun.)

I apologize that this is so long, and I appreciate any response. 
AMDG.

You are not "too young" per se.

I would not suggest college, which often means acquiring debt, but perhaps a job. Most communities prefer job or independent living experience and look very closely at candidates who do not have any. The Sisters of Life, for example, last I checked, really do want their postulants to hold college degrees.

But most traditional communities accept postulants at 18 and even younger, provided they will pass their 17th birthday at the start of novitiate. 

I have mixed feelings about this; there was a time many people married as teenagers but these days a teenager ready for such a commitment is rare. Entering a monastery or convent is not like making marriage vows, but it is a serious life-altering undertaking even from the start. And - how to say this - it is not easy, to say the least, to continue  "discernment" as a novice sister in a traditionalist setting.  It is true that younger candidates can have an easier adjustment; and certainly in the more rigorous communities a youthful body is an asset. Also in my opinion, should you in fact discern out, the impact of the disruption is ameliorated at younger ages. I mean it is less psychosocially devastating to discern out of a convent in one's early 20s vs late 20s vs one's 30s. 

[Sponsa-Christi]

I have similar feelings as @Lilllabettt

I became a consecrated virgin when I was twenty-three, after starting to seriously discern this vocation at age nineteen. I have zero regrets about being consecrated that young. It was absolutely the right thing for me, and it's been a help and blessing to have the chance to "grow into" my vocation through most of my young adulthood (I'm thirty-five now). 

That being said, I'm also aware that making a life commitment that young is also not the right thing for everyone.

I'm not in favor of having "life experience" as just a way to kill time, but it is important to have enough of an understanding of oneself, the world, and the wider Church in order to make a truly free and informed choice.  

In particular, I would be concerned about a young person who goes straight from high school to a strictly cloistered traditionalist religious order. It think it would be good to take at least a year to visit a variety of different communities in person. Even if the OP winds up entering in one of the communities she originally considered, getting a better (and first-hand! i.e, IRL and not merely internet-research based) sense of what options for consecrated life are out there will let her make a stronger and more confident choice. 

I do think youthful enthusiasm is a wonderful thing that can animate a vocation in a positive way...but unfortunately it can also leave one more susceptible to heartbreak, disillusionment, and even abuse. Even if someone enters young, I would hope he or she would be able to gain, one way or another, enough insight to realize: 1. they have dignity as a child of God no matter what their vocation; 2. "discerning out" of a community doesn't mean that one doesn't have a vocation somewhere else, and *REALLY* doesn't mean that one isn't loved by God; 3. there are limits to what authority figures in the Church can legitimately ask or demand. 

Finally, @StrivingforSainthoodI'd strongly recommend that you find a spiritual director. You really need a wise and knowledgeable spiritual guide who is totally "on your side" to help you discern. 

[Anastasia]

I agree with the reasoning of Lilllabettt and Sponsa-Christi.

There are so many pro- and cons- of entering very young. Like Lilllabettt I also thought that to discern out of the monastery is easier in 20-s, in a sense, than in 30-s or even 40-s.

I still think that a life experience, a common sense and an education are probably more important when one suddenly finds herself being "out of the monastery" than the age. So, how I would do that if I was in the situation of the OP. I would at the very least to acquire some valuable profession (valuable both for being in a monastery and out of it) but meantime I would follow the monastery's horarium as much as I could and do other things... so I would be "anchored" in the spiritual life. I also would definitely visit many different communities because one actual meeting very often clarifies what can remain hidden for months of correspondence and phone conversations. I recommend to read a good book about Edith Stain (St Teresa Benedicta of the Cross), her life style when she set her mind on being a Carmelite but was teaching meanwhile.

When one thinks of monastery the first step is to obtain an opinion and a blessing of a priest who whos a person very well. In our tradition it is more often an experienced parish priest to whom a person regularly confesses (we do not have lay "spiritual directors").

Edited October 11, 2020 by Anastasia

[underatree]

I think particularly for younger discerners it’s important to involve your family and/or people older and more experienced than yourself who have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately not every vocations director is really interested in a young person finding the right place for them. When you are a person of high ideals and good will, with the energy and optimism of youth, it really is very easy for other people to take advantage of you. A vocations director rather subtly convinced me over quite a brief period of time that I was obviously called to her community, despite (in retrospect) clear evidence to the contrary. She was frankly a bit desperate for vocations and I can’t entirely blame her. Whether a congregation routinely has zero novices or twenty, those kinds of pressures can be present in the director’s discernment and can certainly be an undue influence.

Many of us who pursue religious vocations are the types of people who volunteer for everything and always want to help out — when someone shows us a need, we see a job to do. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s good to be aware of the tendency. I have to remember that I can’t meet all the needs of the world — I have to make choices about my actions and my life’s work. Just because someone has a need doesn’t mean it’s my job to fulfill it. If there is a hungry person on the street I could feed them, but that doesn’t mean building a network of soup kitchens is my vocation. Also, just  because a particular congregation lives in my parish or runs my school or campus ministry doesn’t mean I’m called there — vocation is not the same thing as proximity. 
 

Spiritual direction is good up to a point. I am close friends with someone who, during her discernment, got some terrible advice and made her spiritual director essentially the boss of her soul. This priest was unfortunately imprudent enough to agree to it, and he literally told her where she needed to enter. She said that, in retrospect, she had felt so paralyzed by indecision that it seemed easier to let someone else take on the responsibility. She later left, after a pretty awful experience, and recently made final vows in another congregation. The last time we spoke, she reflected on how she could have saved herself a good amount of time, money and heartbreak by making better choices from the beginning.

I’ve said it on these boards before: you are responsible for your soul, your life, and your choices, and there are no extra points for making bad decisions.

[gloriana35]

When I was a young woman (I didn't enter until I had my MA, but that was a 'late' vocation then), most religious I knew had entered at about 17 or 18. Some congregations had aspirancies. Though I don't think canon law permitted anyone under 16 to be a novice, one could be living a very structured religious life at a very young age - some whom I knew (male and female) entered at 12 or 13.

I'm sure that the communities could inform you of their age requirements. There is nothing wrong with approaching them now. I would think it likely that, even if they accept candidates young, it would be helpful if you had contact with them for a time before you entered. They might be helpful in getting you acquainted with their history and spirituality, and indeed might know of spiritual directors who could guide you.

Some communities require degrees (I don't know the ones you mentioned), but the majority of religious that I knew entered young and had no degrees then - it does not mean they did not have the vocation. You are an adult.

Sorry that I forgot to add this - I very much like Underatree's wise post! 

Though I don't know if this has been true any time recently, when I was young (and there were far more people entering religious life than there would be even ten years later), some communities had an approach that could be confusing. It wasn't because they needed numbers - since they did not lack for them then. (This was true of a community I entered - and I was not at all what they really wanted.) There was an idea that, if someone sees that she has a call to religious life, even a chance meeting with a congregation could be the way that God is leading her to where he wants her. Now and then, anthologies about religious life, or articles in religious periodicals, might include 'vocation stories' from various Sisters, and perhaps one ended up in a community she met by chance, even if she already was entering elsewhere.

The community which I had entered (who threw me out in time - not for anything terrible) encouraged anyone they met who aspired to religious life - they'd push her to visit, tell her they saw wonderful qualities in her, and so forth. They didn't even think of whether she seemed to be the sort of candidate they wanted (and I know hundreds of good religious who would not have been what that community did). It was 'this could be God's will - all that matters is doing God's will - if you don't fit in, we have you leave.'  Looking back, I haven't a clue as to why I entered a community that was very anti-intellectual and childish, though the friars thought well of them - perhaps it just seemed wonderful to be so encouraged.

[Lea]

I just thought I might add something concerning the spiritual direction. 

You pointed out you are very shy [this is not the case for me, but still] which makes it hard to approach someone to ask for SD. Maybe you could see this as well as applying for a few jobs as some kind of training, because writing to a community you're interested in is a rather complex task. At least I had a pretty hard time with it and I know others with similar experiences. 

[JHFamily]

On 10/10/2020 at 7:47 PM, Sponsa-Christi said:

It think it would be good to take at least a year to visit a variety of different communities in person.

I have to disagree with this statement. I fall in line with the thinking from a religious community that writes on their Vocations page:

"While discerning religious life, it can be counterproductive to begin by planning visits to several convents, since visits can be expensive for you and a lot of work for a community. Rather, narrow down your search by doing plenty of research first. Whether you are unsure which form of religious life God may be calling you to, or you feel drawn to Carmel but are not sure which monastery is best for you, you can use the Internet to gain information about many communities easily."

I just think visiting a variety of communities is often more confusing than enlightening. I don't know how many young women I've met that are waiting to visit the "perfect community for me" and never end up entering anywhere!

In addition, I think we need to keep in mind that this young lady obviously is a part of the Extraordinary Form community and wants to remain in it. I know I'll get pummeled for saying so, but the spirituality of the Extraordinary Form is different from that of the Ordinary Form, just as the spirituality of the Carmelites is different from that of the Poor Clares. There are not a lot of EF communities to choose from.  Though some of its members have college degrees, many have entered right out of high school or one or two years out. This is not unusual for the EF; they tend to marry younger, too.

For my daughter, who entered right out of high school, I had her take her ACT's anyway, so just in case she discerned out, she could just move home and enroll in college pretty much right away. Other than that, I wasn't too worried about her youth because I knew she would come home still pretty young and could just pick up where she left off.

[Anastasia]

7 hours ago, JHFamily said:

"While discerning religious life, it can be counterproductive to begin by planning visits to several convents, since visits can be expensive for you and a lot of work for a community.

I can see I gave my advice about visiting various monasteries out of the Eastern Orthodox practice: in our Church a person who comes to the monastery with a thought of eventually - maybe becoming a nun shares some menial work with the nuns. She is usually placed into special "guests quarters" (very austere dormitory) an is immediately immersed in to the monastery life (that can be very difficult).

The discernment in West appears to be much more formal.

Edited October 13, 2020 by Anastasia

[Bonkira]

One of the benefits of gaining more life experience while discerning one's vocation is being able to have a firmer foundation in what is healthy and good among a group of people seeking the will of God together, and what is not healthy and good. I entered a community on the young side without a lot of understanding of interpersonal dynamics and what that means in a group environment and what healthy embodiment of the evangelical counsels in a group community means. I encounter a lot of folks who entered young and left on the younger side, and it is one of the things that sticks out most; the community was not the best place for them to grow and/or the community was not healthy...and those are things that can be learned with life experience and maybe some noncommittal coursework.

Re: visiting many communities...I think it can be quite important especially in regards to discerning how the community functions and how you respond to the community. If we are seeking Christ, we sacrifice to find the place he calls us to...there's no way better than to follow his words of Come and See. And...it is certainly work to host a discerned, but Christ also calls those whom he calls to that same sacrifice so that he may have all his lambs.