PRAYER REQUEST

[BarbTherese]

Having a dreadful time with bipolar.  My psychiatrist and my GP are both on leave until the end of this month.  These are the only two people I have ever spoken in depth with about the voices I can hear (inside my head not with my ear)during an episode.  These voices (sometimes voice only) are really sticking the boots in.  I am hoping this episode will not result in hospitalisation and at this point, it is not necessary.  But any little stress could push it over the borderline into psychosis if I use the past as a guidance tool, which it is not as yet.  I can't explain because there are  no words.

This is the worst episode in 14 years.  I have not needed hospital for 14 years.  That is the insidious nature of a bipolar illness.

I rang Public Mental Health Emergency telephone line. She said that I was speaking logically, was not suicidal nor a danger to self or others and so they could not help me.  That is a cause I am going to take up, I hope, when this episode is over.  Apparently, one has to be illogical, suicidal and/or a danger to self or others before Public Mental Health will assist..............are they really waiting for a sufferer to reach the aforementioned stage before giving them assistance in some way?   

My parish priest might be calling today to water my garden if no one else is able to do so.  I hope it will be Father and that he will have time for coffee and a chat.  My spiritual director OMI, Oblates of Mary Immaculate) passed away quite suddenly while holidaying with his family in another state, not all that long after my Home Mass to renew life private vows..  

I have also contacted my Carmelite nun friend asking for her prayer too.

Thank you very much for prayer and may The Good Lord Bless you and yours.............Barb

[Guest]

As long as the voices or voice continues in my head and I cannot stop them.  I cannot do anything whatsoever to stop them.  I will  not be on Pham as much as usual - but I am still hanging around because  Phatmass Phorum is my comfort zone and a consolation at all times.  To me, it is my community - one of them and an important one to me.  But when I am unwell, hard to describe, but I know myself when I can or cannot read emails and posts on Pham and not allow things to upset me.  As I said in my opening post, at a point like where I am now, going by my past history with this illness, it is not going to take much at all, some little upset, and I am over the divide into psychosis.  If I do not not engage and battle head to head with what I hear, and slip into a psychotic state, it is absolutely terrifying.  I do not hospitalise myself (usually not always, I will hospitalise myself)because I am not a risk of harm to others nor myself, rather to protect me in the state I get into from others. Most often, they have no idea why I am so upset.  The other reason is that in a psychotic state, I am unacceptable to the herd.  Basically, what happens in hospital is that I am brought back into a state that society can accept.  I must conform.

I read in Time Magazine I think it was more than many years ago "Psychiatry is the invention of society to keep its more creative members in line".  That short sentence has an awful lot packed into it.

My psychiatrist asked me not long ago (before she went away on leave) "Do you think you are overly sensitive?".  "Overly" is a piece of string i.e. how long is a piece of string?"  What is overly sensitive?"  What it in fact means that it is not socially acceptable to be 'overly' sensitive.  I need to conform and I do not want to conform, I very much like to be just me, Barb.

What is happening in society today is a demand to conform or one will be on the fringes or even an outcast from the group or the herd (society) - and we are created to be social beings in community in the true sense of the word and thus The Lord calls to us to be, to strive for and out of that is my personal belief will be the first fruit of a magnificent fruitful tree.  I am not speaking about triumphalism.  Until the return of Jesus we must "take up our cross and follow Him".  The Gift He gives of Peace '"that the world cannot know" is a Peace which can exist and does in the most terrible suffering.  It is a Peace in the depths of the soul that one is indeed in relationship with Jesus and HIs Church and this has become the most important thing in one's life, in the journey.

We are the Church Militant on earth because like it or not we are in a head to head conflict, a battle, with Satan and its servants.  It is a battle between good and evil, with sin and virtue.  If you want to inspire youth, I think that such a challenge and adventure will do so.

With all this political correctness etc., society is trying to form, or even worse - to force, individuals into its own image and likeness (conformity with standards which are ever shifting).  There are social penalties for not conforming -  It is not an overnight event as it were, it is a process underway still.  Think about it and then ask, what is the driving force behind it all?  And then engage it head to head.

I am not an anarchist, we need rules and regulations in order to live together in Peace.  But as society unfolds those rules and regulations are multiplying.  A rule etc. can never be an end in itself.  Rules exist to serve a higher purpose of some kind and it is the higher purpose that is paramount and the objective ideally of rules.

I am talking about rules written or unwritten that do not serve a higher purpose other than, as Bob Dylan put it "I just want to be myself but everyone just wants me to be just like them".  In order to remain in the herd (society), I must dress a certain way, speak a certain way even think a certain way etc. etc. or one is in the very least socially distasteful and that in itself is a form of exclusion from the herd or society.   In The Church as human institution, the same process is underway.  We have fight or flight.

Fight............engage.

Thank you very much for prayer.

 

[Pax17]

:Prayers:

Thinking of you...keep fighting.

[Guest]

Thank you very much, Pax.  Very much too for the encouragement, it gives a real nudge, a huge nudge, to just hang on in there and keep fighting.

 I think I have come through the crisis and am on the other side and heading towards my most usual self.  The problem with my brand of bipolar is that I can be doing ok and seemingly over the worst of it and on the way back home ............as it were  i.e. ...... home?...........        i.e.?............I haven't got a clue who indeed I really am as a tag another could relate to......frankly, I don't think the tag exists...........I am just Barb!  And in my book, that goes for every single person - we are a one off, totally and absolutely unique in every way and every single one of us..............never ever to be created again or ever has been created since the dawn of creation.

During this episode, I had almost wished that that sort of click in my head (metaphorically speaking - the voices can start up with the very real suddenness of a 'click) would go off and I was out of this world in another world of psychosis with its own brutal reality. Anything but having to deal with reality in the mind state I was in and in reality (I am not too sure about this reality bit held by the majority, not too sure at all - going outside after posting this for coffee and a cig and think about it - prayerfully).  This episode has really drained me in every way..........but life keeps on going on together with my full involvement in it in every way.  It has been really difficult for me to keep up with it all.  When in hospital, everything is done for you..............out in the so called real world, you need to do things yourself - things normally catered for you in hospital.

With my brand of bipolar, I can think the episode is all over but then some little thing come along to tip my bucket and suddenly I am hearing voices again.  But so far so good.   The voices have stopped other than intermittently now and then.  A good sign.

To be sure it really has concluded, only time tells.  I need a stretch of coping in my usual sort of way including those rather large and/or very small stresses (all the inbetweens) and the strains we all know (and so very many in our world far far more!) and I am back living my usual way of life and memory of my experiences during an episode come to be no longer real to me, more like a distant nightmare I had - only a very vague memory of what seems to me to be like another time and another place.  Then I can be pretty sure, it is all over.

Thank you so much for thinking of me, Pax, (every little good act, even the smallest (yours for me was a HUGE act), brings Glory to The Father - that stuns me, bowls me over!)  Thank you for your thoughts and very much so for your encouragement.  "Whatever you do for one of these, though the very least of My brethren, you have done for it Me".

I am back chain smoking.............however, I am laying right off the grog    I can't afford to smoke, so at some point but only after I am quite confident it is over........and my psychiatrist back from leave at the end of October confirms it for me, then I will give up the fags - or before if peter stops borrowing from paul. If I am rocky, I ask her "Am I still sane?" -  she is always honest with me and will give me a nonverbal that indicates, rocky or completely sane once more............or, failing the aforementioned, we have some work to do to enable you to fully conform with ease to all the rest - and thus keep safe.  Bob Dylan lyric "I just want to be myself but everyone wants me to be like them".

A psychiatrist I had a lot of time for said to me once long age: "Barb, be as crazy as you like on the inside, but for goodness sake learn to behave yourself on the outside".  When I was having an episode, he'd always say "You being a ratbag again!"

Thank you again, Pax, very very much.  May The Good Lord bless you and yours richly and bring you every consolation and comfort in your journeys.

Warm regards............Barb

 

MAGGIES FARM by BOB DYLAN (Maggie's Farm in the following Bob Dylan creation represents society...........the lyric "I just want to be myself but everybody wants me to be just like them" appears towards the end of the track.

 

 

[cruciatacara]

I mean no disrespect to you or your condition but sometimes humour can lighten things up a little bit. So here is my contribution to you.I am sure you have seen it before, but maybe this is a good time to remember it.

Stay strong until your support people return to help out.

 

 

[Gary david]

God bless you Barbara

[Guest]

On 10/16/2019 at 2:54 PM, cruciatacara said:

I mean no disrespect to you or your condition but sometimes humour can lighten things up a little bit. So here is my contribution to you.I am sure you have seen it before, but maybe this is a good time to remember it.

Stay strong until your support people return to help out.

 

 

I hadn't seen it, cruciatacara. ..... laughter is great medicine and stress reducer. A real support along The Way especially when it gets a bit bumpy - but not only then.

Here are a couple of funny ones I have come across.  I really like the cat and/or dog videos.

 

[Guest]

I have no idea where I am with this episode.  It is very different from the past.  I said to my brother yesterday, I almost wish I could opt out of reality into a psychotic world - but I know that psychosis is a far more cruel and brutal world.  My brother has come to be a great support.  This is the first time he has actually accompanied me on an episode journey.

Thank you for prayer.  I am ducking into Phatmass only now and then.   Today I am giving up the cigs.............I think and hope. (Edit - my brother called and is going over the road to buy me cigarettes.  My excuse and I am sticking to it - it is not the time to take extra stress on board)

I used to really like Dave Allen (video below) - and still do - the old videos.  May he rest in everlasting Peace and Joy.  Sitting under my pergola with a cigarette and coffee, are the times I would talk from the heart to Jesus and laugh at myself for the absurdities in me, in life and in others).

Dave Allen was a gifted comedian.  He was Catholic but to my knowledge not practising.  He could really take the mickey out the Church with mischievous and irreligious humour.  He could identify the absurdities in Catholicism and make me laugh - and the same for oneself, people, life and living in general.  Rather regularly, now and then, his humour was very adult and more.  Be warned.

I can and do laugh and often - but sometimes I need an ear that can hear. "Listen, you that have ears" Matthew Ch11) Sometimes a person can listen but not hear the message usually because they have made up their minds already. i.e. not listening and perhaps not able or even wanting/willing to do so (switched off from who is speaking to them).

 

[Guest]

We are all multifaceted complex creations - and The Lord has created us thus -..............

A young priest asked his bishop, “May I smoke while praying?”...

The answer was an emphatic “No!”

Later, when he sees an older priest puffing on a cigarette while praying, the younger priest scolded him, “You shouldn’t be smoking while praying! I asked the bishop, and he said I couldn’t do it!”

“That’s odd,” the old priest replied. “I asked the bishop if I could pray while I’m smoking, and he told me that it was okay to pray at any time!”  https://www.ignatianspirituality.com/dotmagis-blog/more-jesuit-jokes/

3) Holy Smoke:

There is always a right way and a wrong way to proceed:  Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"  https://catholic-resources.org/JesuitJokes.htm

1.  

Quote

 

1. Rejoice always; 
2. pray without ceasing;
3. in everything give thanks;
4. for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

 

 

 

(Lyrics transcribed below video)

 

 

"Forever Young"
 

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to be true
May you always know the truth
And see the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
May your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
May you stay forever young
Forever young, forever young
May you stay forever young.

 

[Guest]

For our world and Peace, for all who suffer and carry a cross, be it large or small.  For the lost and abandoned, lonely and alone.............

A series of Catholic hymns (my favourites) :

1. Come as you are
2. Galilee song
3. Come as you are
4. Be not afraid
5. You are mine
6. Here I am Lord

1.  

 

 

[Guest]

On 10/16/2019 at 8:28 PM, Gary david said:

God bless you Barbara

Thank you,  Gary.  And may The Lord bless you and yours also.

Sometimes His Faithful Forever Blessings can wear strange sort of garments, not immediately perhaps recognised as indeed His Blessings.  To this world, an absurd, preposterous and farcical concept.

...............But I am preaching to the choir again 

Catcha, Gary, on the rounds of Pham............

 

[Guest]

 

I don't think we sufferers should be quiet about mental illness and just how it affects us.  It can be a support to other sufferers and where we might be able to overcome, also a support for others.  We should be able to seek support and understanding.........sometimes where it should be ideally present, it is not.  I have experienced it many times in The Church as human institution and functioning.  However, I am not Catholic because of human functioning at any level.

Another point is that others might have different opinions and fair enough and worth hearing with ears that indeed can hear their message.  I believe that where there is disagreement, truth has not yet established itself.  Perhaps indeed, truth is having a struggle to establish itself

For me, I hold to my own concepts and understandings, unless there is a convincing case expressed, which can trigger me to rethink through my concepts.

Some need someone to speak up first before he or she has 'courage' to 'speak' what they were thinking anyway.  Such cannot stand alone.  It is a sort of codependency.  This is not only evident among MI sufferers probably out of fear of consequences i.e rejection.  For others, it is cowardice often.  Taking a swing (metaphorically speaking) is pretty low even cruel if the other is down and struggling, seeking understanding and support.

"Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me." Matthew Ch25

To state "meaning no disrespect but......" sometimes means the same as "I was only joking" and types of disclaimers even passive aggression.  Not always however.

There are two kinds of pity - condescension type of pity, I reject - although at times not condescension at all is the message behind the words.  Benevolent pity is entirely different and reveals empathy.  Affirmation and encouragement is always very welcome in a difficult patch of the journey, and a journey of its own to overcome,within the overall journey, when seas are rough and times difficult and a struggle. 

Sarcasm to me I call the lowest form of wit and the wit of the lowest form.

I know plenty sufferers of MI who have suffered far more than I have or probably ever will - sufferers whose continuing nightmare includes stigma and rejection from where it is most needed and should ideally exist, but doesn't.  I know sufferers who have committed suicide in sheer desperation.  I know that blackest of blackest darkness of existence where seemingly there is no hope at all for rescue and peace.

(In the following excerpt "the witness" is the sufferer of mental illness)  It is an excellent article, but a long one .......and an important read for the interested in mental health especially, or even sufferers themselves, and well worth the 'labour' in my book.

Quote

 

https://researchbank.acu.edu.au/theses/201/

Australian Catholic University

A practical theology of mental health: A critical conversation between theology, psychology, pastoral care and the voice of the witness

Author: Pauline Emma Pierce (I have read a few papers by Emma Pierce on mental illness.  She suffered bipolar herself and had quite a journey.  Her biography can be read by scrolling down here:

`https://www.amazon.com/Suicide-Adoration-Theology-Mental-Health/dp/1494937867)

Excerpt: "Theology seems to accept its subservience to the human sciences in the field of mental health care. We will meet this acceptance in the words of Edward Schillebeeckx in the next chapter. One glaring distinction between the human sciences and theology is the voice of the witness. The task of science, including the human sciences, is to discover/establish fact. To this end they rely on weight of numbers - part of their quantitative methodology. On the other hand, theology is led forward by the voice of the witness. More often than not this is a lone voice ..........edit.............These are examples of the power of the witness to speak and influence public perception of reality. Today witnesses speak and are heard in almost every arena involving issues of morality and social justice. Feminist theology, liberation theology and environmental theology all have their prophetic voices. But who speaks for the mentally ill? The voice of the witness in this arena is given little credibility. Yet that voice belongs to a human person, one who is as much a child of God and a member of the human family as every other voice. "

 

 

[Guest]

"LIsten, you that have ears to hear" Matthew Ch11

 

[Guest]

First video: Don't get knickers in your knot.  It is an exaggeration...... this is how a little child could react to and get confused over Truths way beyond their understanding.

Our God is a God of Joy, of Love and of Laughter. 

It is very true that gifted humour can lift one out of the dumps............sometimes.  What works for one and some others will not necessarily work for another or some others.  Same as humour for one(s) may not be for another(s).

With mental illness episodes like bipolar.  On can feel as the day draws on, one is/might be getting on top of things. (What a beautiful day, I am glad to be alive.  Now watch some twit, including myself, come along and stuff it all up)

 

 Wake up next morning and soon it has all begun again.  It takes a stretch of time (piece of string) of being on top of things to give real hope and expectation, that it is all over.  Plus! a psychiatrists confirmation is even better.  A good psychiatrist knows when his/her brief ends and a spiritual director's begins........and vv.

A good psychiatrist and a good spiritual director work together - even if they never write or speak to each other, or communicate in an earthly sort of way. Coincidence or The Holy Spirit?

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 18, 2019 by BarbaraTherese

[cruciatacara]

@BarbaraTherese I love that first video - have watched it many times. Dave Allen had a wicked sense of humour, always made me laugh.