Mental Illness & Bipolar Disorder

[Guest]

On 10/8/2019 at 2:59 PM, BarbaraTherese said:

.........."........I would rather follow my own whim and desire than Thy will." If we commit a sin in this way, however slight, it seems to me that our offense is not small but very, very great."...................

The above confirmed for me what I thought.  St Teresa of Avila is speaking about venial sin.  It seemed to me that degree of sin (mortal or venial) is not so much what is done, said or even thought in some instances.  Rather what appears to be only a venial sin could be "not small but very, very great".

In the Book of Samuel it is written "Man judges appearances, but God judges the heart"  Don't have time just now to look up the reference numbers.  But returning to this thread for a read only to catch up, or try and catch up, with my train of thought (believe it nor not!)  I felt I just had to comment on Teresa's comments about venial sin.

What I wanted to do too is that I have a few things I have to deal with, must deal with, here but that this thread and also "Signs" (another thread I started) is still on my to do list and as a priority).  @penitent60 I have been really enjoying the fact that in reality we are very much on the same Page - shades of differences only due to the unique creation every single person is.  It is not often, P60, that this bipolarerer...erererer........ meets someone who "gets it" and you are the very first ever I have met who is trying very hard to walk the Way of Jesus......despite the fact that we have a very big cross to bear (incidentally, the word "sin" in its origins can be defined  as "missing the mark") and that is mental illness.

You are very much on my mind most all the time, P60, and as soon as I can see a way clear I will be coming back to you, because it is a real pleasure, gift and honor to be talking to you...........oh and a fellow Adeladian to boot!  What a God have we !!!

My request of Jesus through The Holy Spirit (without whom no one can even think a good thought, let alone do one) The Holy Spirit is the Gift Jesus had to give us without reserve after His Death).  I asked of Jesus is that please, may every time I think of you, P60, let it be a prayer for both of us.  Every single even smallest thing we think, say or do which is a good act, brings Glory to The Father.  That sounds absolutely stunning to me, it really bowls me over, stops me dead in my tracks,  because no one, let alone me, fully understands what Jesus, Truly God and truly man, did for us .......every last single person living or dead and for the whole of human history too, ......... through His Life and terrible Death.  He really and truly died in His Humanity.  The Father, to confirm His Son's following His Will in all things, signals (and more) His Approval and intention to fulfill His Son's ardent desire and Hope (our salvation and to open Heaven again to His Beloveds - every last one of us and much more)by raising His Son in His Full Humanity from death to Life again and in Heaven Jesus remains fully God and also FULLY HUMAN.

Truly is Jesus The Second and Last Adam "to the fore and to the rescue came".  

Looking forward to coming back to this thread, P60, and until then........see you again when I'm looking at you ( real Auissie expression for saying goodbye to someone......God bless...........warm regards......Barb

The hymn at the end of this post was written by St John Henry Newman

"We walk to heaven backwards; we drive our arrows at a mark and think him most skilful whose shortcomings are the least" (St John Henry Newman)

(St John Henry Newman Anglican convert to Catholicism)......and why the version of video below I picked is coming from an Anglican Cathedral in New York)  My heart sunk a bit when I read this article on St. John Henry. Jesus of Nazareth was a humble, outspoken and itinerant wandering teacher. His Church in its human functioning is most definitely not simple - yet remains fully His Mystical Body on Earth....go figure!

Lyrics of hymn in text below video also printed on video.  

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
  And in the depth be praise:
In all His words most wonderful;
  Most sure in all His ways.

2

O loving wisdom of our God,
  When all was sin and shame,
He, the last Adam, to the fight
  And to the rescue came.

3

O wisest love! that flesh and blood
  Which did in Adam fail,
Should strive afresh against the foe,
  Should strive and should prevail.

4

And that a higher gift than grace
  Should flesh and blood refine,
God’s presence, and His very self
  And essence all-divine.

5

O generous love! that He, who smote
  In man for man the foe,
The double agony in man
  For man should undergo.

6

And in the garden secretly,
  And on the cross on high,
Should teach His brethren, and inspire
  To suffer and to die.

7

Praise to the Holiest in the height,
  And in the depth be praise:
In all His words most wonderful;
  Most sure in all His ways.

[tinytherese]

On 10/6/2019 at 1:35 PM, penitent60 said:

I worry endlessly over sin and my inability to pray. I fear a wrathful God,

 

https://scrupulousanonymous.org/about-scrupulous-anonymous/about-thomas-santa-cssr/ 

[Guest]

Hi TT..........

Wow!  Only time for a very quick glance over the site and it is REALLY excellent.  I have put it into my Bookmarks as a reference for Scrupulosity.  Thank you very much for posting it  I have put your link into my Bookmarks as an EXC reference for scruples. When I precede anything in my Books with  EXC (excellent) it means it is an excellent reference on the subject.  Thanks heaps again, TT...........catcha on the rounds of Pham 

I like the Redemptoristines (CcSR's) which when I have met them or one of them, I can't remember which, I thought they/he were really good as priest(s) and that will be my opinion until/or something factual means I just might need to change my mind.........I very much doubt it however; When I saw Fr  Martin CCsR, I was encouraged to have a quick peruse of the site, only quick peruse, mind you.  But it looked impressive in my book.......my book mind you..........i sound in mental health integrated with sound theology.  Good upon ya, Fr M!

It reminds me of that book I quoted somewhere "The Love that Keeps You Sane" (on St Therese and her Little Way) easily found on Mr. Google by quoting the book title. Fr Marc Foley OCD, Carmelite, is the author.

@penitent60  You are still very much on my mind, P60 - and still wanting much to come back to this thread.  Do read the article TT gave link for.  It just might be helpful to you, and help me too to get a grip on that cruel spiritual suffering of scruples........ suffering scruples, which I know so well from my past and had a long run on it.  Am I scrupulous or not? is a question I sometimes ask myself and will be reading Fr Thomas's website with active interest as soon as possible.  Hope all is going well for you in Ireland, fellow Aussie. Magnificent day here in Adelaide, 22 degrees with sunshine and all blue skies.

Had two visitors between finishing and posting this post.  The last one triggered so much anger, it came to the surface from suppression (not repression) and I had to drop half an Oxazepam to try to calm down.  My hands are still shaking.  I am so very angry and when this episode is over, I am going to do something about a few issues that have cropped up through this bipolar episode - worst in 14 years.  More about it later if I remember it, it will be all about hearing voices. I have the contacts I need to raise the issues where something just MIGHT get done - mental health issues.  I might even go on talkback radio...........as much as I will need to drop half an oxazepam, maybe a full one  - to do it.  I never listen to talkback radio and talking on radio would have to be one of my phobias. Years ago I did it once and swore never again -  but it does get issues out on a different media outlet to forums i.e. to a different target audience.

Catca when I am looking at ya, P60......WOOPS! reading your posts ......... warm regards.......Barb  

10 hours ago, tinytherese said:

https://scrupulousanonymous.org/about-scrupulous-anonymous/about-thomas-santa-cssr/ 

....and WOW again, TT.  Excellent site I am eager to read.  If we had a recommendation type emoticon from 1 - 10 @dUSt or so as recommendation levels.  I would give you as recommender and the link a 10 and after a careful read it, I feel that I might perhaps and/or would probably give it a 10+++

I just wanted to BUMP your post.  And hope to do it periodically.  When I quote the link, I will give "Phatmass member tinytherese" the credit  for recommending the site unless you advise me otherwise.

Thanks again.........Barb  

[Guest]

I have not abandoned this thread nor the one I started on "Signs".  I am having a head to head battle with bipolar and so far so good.  I am not in hospital, nor even close - I don't think

Just now, much of my mind has been on the Turkish invasion of Syria after Donald Trump pulled out American troops.  There is near on genocide happening in Syria.  Those poor people! Isis too is raising it's head.

My primary focus, I confess, is getting through this episode and getting my life back on the customary track.  The episode drains energy and I am having trouble sleeping. But to date, I seem to be winning........and seem is all it can ever be with bipolar.  I am plagued by feelings of guilt, for what I have no idea at all. That and accompanying anxiety.

@penitent60  My apologies.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph I give you my heart and my soul.  Please assist us all in our last agony.  Amen.

Edited October 13, 2019 by BarbaraTherese

[penitent60]

Hi BT and hello to Tiny Therese. Life sure is a roller coaster....missed another social event due to all my pains etc. I did get to Sunday Mass as far as the confessional but took off directly afterwards. It was all ghastly but it took me all day to settle. The scruples article and link is great, thanks. I actually managed to go for a short walk the other day , I found a walking stick to get started and was red with shame swinging the wretched thing but I least I GO OUT. On my way home I was able to put it away

[Guest]

 

 

Hi there P60

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

I did get to Sunday Mass as far as the confessional but took off directly afterwards.

Wow!  Life is indeed a roller coaster. My philosophy is that if it works, go with the flow.........providing I am not hurting myself nor others.   Sufferers of mental illness, it is my belief, cannot always go by the rule book.  We "do what we can, and leave the rest to God" (St Mary of The Cross, MacKillop, first Aussie saint........another in the pipeline I heard).  Every so often I thank God with a grateful heart, that He will judge me and not fellow human beings "Man judges appearances, but The Lord knows the heart".(Book of Samuel)   I only go to Mass if I can afford the taxi fares noiwadays.  I haven't been to Confession in a long time, because my last confession really shook me up, talk about non understanding by a confessor.    But I really am looking forward to being able to go to Mass each Saturday Vigil and going to Confession again, when I can find another spiritual director.  Most everyone here charges.   Some do not charge but you have to plead poor.  It is a bit embarrassing on the feeling level.

 

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

Life sure is a roller coaster....missed another social event due to all my pains etc.

That is really awful, sorry to hear it, P60.  I will hope with a prayer that your next social event, your pain will not be in the way of attending and you will have a wow of a time.  I do hope so.

 

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

It was all ghastly but it took me all day to settle.

I really am sorry that you had to experience what you did.  I know the feeling of taking a fair bit of time to settle.  Someone really upset me today.  I have to wait another 20 min before I can take half an Oxazepam to try and reduce anxiety which is underlying holding back on expressing my anger.  I only take half four hourly if necessary with one to sleep, again if necessary.  No more than 3 daily.  I usually have a script for months - but not this last supply, it didn't last a month but only taking 3 only daily.

 

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

The scruples article and link is great, thanks

Great stuff!  It wasn't me that posted it, of course, it was @tinytherese - and thanks again TT. I am very grateful for it too and for the website.

 

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

I actually managed to go for a short walk the other day , I found a walking stick to get started and was red with shame swinging the wretched thing but I least I GO OUT.

Good on you!  I hope you enjoyed your walk, even though short and with some pain, I am sure.   

 

When I am out and about I need a wheeler with four wheels.  Around the house in the main, I use a walking stick.  Problem is, I put it down to do something or other and have the devil of a time finding it again...........same with my mobile or cell phone as other countries might call it.

4 hours ago, penitent60 said:

On my way home I was able to put it away

Excellent I really am happy for you.

Really good to be chatting with you, P60, a fellow soul mate in many ways.  I am in a really foul mood after being upset by someone this afternoon - but after I down that half an Oxazepm in 9 minutes now.  Give it half an hour and everything will be roses again.  On the feeling level, I feel like giving them a piece of my mind well and truly.  Nowadays, thank God, I can withhold my anger nowadays until it passes.  Most often a good night's sleep and next morning I am ok.

Gosh, when I think about it, so very many in our world suffer far far more than I ever have and probably ever will.  It gives me a sad and helpless feeling.

Bye for now to both you, P60, and @tinytherese........warm regards and God Bless........Barb

HYMN TO FREEDOM'S WAY

 

 

[Guest]

Still alive and kicking.  Worst bipolar episode in over 12 years.  As far as I am concerned, God is permitting it for His own good reasons.  If I start looking for reasons, I really will drive myself around the twit.  That The Lord is permitting it, is fully enough for me.  I am hanging on to what St Mary of The Cross  Mackillop said "Do what you can and leave the rest to God."  At this stage things could go one of three ways:  Bipolar depression (cruel), Manic episode (totally destructive on a few important levels)...........or it could just fizzle out without going any further than this relatively early stage.  I have set up supports including close together appointments with my GP (experienced in mental health matters) - my brothers are staying close too and learning for the first time how bipolar can affect me when it is active ...........and also put in place what I know needs to be in place insofar as I am personally concerned........avoid stress and stimulation insofar is possible.  Engage in what I find distracting from my mind and thoughts (if they are off track) and what I find enjoyable and absorbing.

So far, so good and I am happy, very happy, with that.  Tomorrow can look after itself when I wake up tomorrow morning.  I know I have the Grace to get through this episode - Grace is not the problem, it can be my response to Grace.  And if I fail completely, it is not the end of my world by a very long shot.  I am called then to begin again.

Not accessing PHatmass much at all, but still around and looking forward to coming back.  God bless!   A prayer much appreciated. 

 

[Pax17]

Still praying...

[Guest]

On 10/23/2019 at 10:05 AM, Pax17 said:

Still praying...

..........hence, thanks to your prayer, I am staying ahead of a psychotic episode.........and not in hospital; hence EDIBLE MEALS ..............

Thank you very much, Pax.......your prayer is bearing fruit and is in full unity with contemplative nuns I know  "Where two or more are gathered in My Name, There am I in the midst of them".  No matter how dark, how very dark, the place, He is Forever Faithful, Forever Loving and Merciful and Forever with us all as individuals through it all regardless, even through death itself into His Eternity.

______________________

Ode to Joy

 

Hail Mary, Gentle Woman

 

 

Go and Tell Everyone - a favourite of mine as are all the hymns in this post especially.

(My SD was an OMI, priest and religious of the Oblates of Mary Immaculate HERE. The OMI's of Assumption Province, Canada, produced the video below "Go and Tell Everyone".   Father J. OMI of happy and loved memory, celebrated in my home the Home Mass for renewal of my life vows on Feast of The Assumption 2014 (he died not long after very suddenly while on holidays with his family).  It is a joy when events seem to line up for me - and not oten at all.  I feel now as if Fr. J. is still watching over me with his gentle yet critical and holy eye - and it is for me another joy and gift to actually feel it, Fr J's closeness. 

Like the OMI's although many years indeed  before The Lord gifted me and blest me with Fr. J., Bethany had a call to the least, the rejected, the outcasts and the fringes, not as above them and laughable and absurd, but integral with them as fully one of them; hence, The Lord blest me with bipolar disorder as my full qualifications with honours.......my genuine credentials, my right to sit with them - drink and smoke with them, laugh, celebraterate (and cry) dance with them - come dance with us then through all things, even tears and sorrow, the fears and suffering in every journey, in the dance of life with The Lord of The Dance.

 

Lord of The Dance (traditional Irish song - sung by a Scotsman......."Lord of The Dance" is full of the joie de vivre - the joy of life, of being alive and able to dance with The Lord of The Dance through the dark valleys and joyful mountains of any and all journeys)

 

 

 

[Guest]

 

Johnny Farnham  "You're The Voice"

 

__________________________________

"Soolaimon" can mean "hello," "welcome," "good-bye" and "peace be with you." The African Trilogy was arranged by the Jazz musician Marty Paich. This was often a highlight of Neil's live shows.

______________________________________

Neil took a 12 month sabbatical to write the album and movie soundtrack for  "Jonathan Livingston Seagull", initially a book and then a movie.  The soundtrack won a Grammy Award.

  "Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a simple story with a profound message. The message is that we can all be so much more than we believe, or are given to believe. That God is on the side of the bold, the adventurous and the free in spirit".  The video below is "Anthem" from the soundtrack:

 

From the soundtrack 

________________________________

John Farnham - "You're The Voice"

_____________________

Rascal Flats - "Life is a Highway"

 

[penitent60]

Been catching up with the Phatmass  posts. Thank you for the kind words. Had a perfectly glorious spring day here yesterday and the annual procession around the suburb was attended by possibly the entire congregation so it was very uplifting. I was able to get to Mass and process with everyone without getting too twitchy. Thank you Lord!

How is the bipolar episode going BT? Incidentally, I cat believe you posted stuff of John Farnham and Neil Diamond. Hot August Night was my very first album I bought for $11.00 way back...it was expensive as it was a double album!!! I adored Jonathon Livingstone Skybird and the music score. Did you ever read Richard Bach's other books? I love "the Reluctant Messiah" I think the title was .

 

I always get teary over "You are the voice" when I hear it. These days I associate it with a road trip I made down on the South Island when the Christchurch massacre happened. What a stupid senseless thing to have happened.

[Guest]

On 10/28/2019 at 4:18 AM, penitent60 said:

Been catching up with the Phatmass  posts. Thank you for the kind words. Had a perfectly glorious spring day here yesterday and the annual procession around the suburb was attended by possibly the entire congregation so it was very uplifting. I was able to get to Mass and process with everyone without getting too twitchy. Thank you Lord!

How is the bipolar episode going BT? Incidentally, I cat believe you posted stuff of John Farnham and Neil Diamond. Hot August Night was my very first album I bought for $11.00 way back...it was expensive as it was a double album!!! I adored Jonathon Livingstone Skybird and the music score. Did you ever read Richard Bach's other books? I love "the Reluctant Messiah" I think the title was .

 

I always get teary over "You are the voice" when I hear it. These days I associate it with a road trip I made down on the South Island when the Christchurch massacre happened. What a stupid senseless thing to have happened.

Hi P60 - Good to be talking with you again.  We do make connections on a few levels, huh!

Quote

Had a perfectly glorious spring day here yesterday and the annual procession around the suburb was attended by possibly the entire congregation so it was very uplifting. I was able to get to Mass and process with everyone without getting too twitchy. Thank you Lord!

Good news!  Thank You, Lord, indeed.  Have you noticed that it is when we are undergoing something or other that we pick up on the many small happy blessings with much Joy and thankfulness.

Thank you for asking re the BP position with me.  Took a sudden dive yesterday into depression, really nasty depression.  Went to bed last night so glad to try to sleep and put the world behind me.  Slept 10.5hrs on 1x Oxazepam.  I had been dreading waking up in a state of depression again.  Our God of The Surprise!  I am ok today and woke this morning very gingerly indeed.....no actual depression other than the normal struggle to wake up from night medication and the hangover.  It is now almost 5pm and I am still ok.  Thank You, Lord!  Laudate Dominum!  Deo Gratius! That is where I am now.  But good old bipolar can do most anything at any time.  It is a case of the scout's motto "Be prepared". It is a minute by minute almost challenge to  "do what you can and leave the rest to God" (St Mary of The Cross MacKillop - Australian). At this point too, I have no idea whether I am at the other side of the episode and coming back to a more normal stage - or what!  Time will real.

During the Flower Power generation, I was raising two children and missed it all really.  However, one day my brother came over with a big stack of records stating that he had put all his albums etc. on cassette tape, and would I like the albums.  I did, I had always loved music.  Hence I was a latecomer indeed to Flower Power which all began to topple I think with the shocking Manson murders with rampant accusations they were hippies and in a way they were (dress)except their message was certainly and definitely not Flower Power type messages i.e. social messages.  Drugs and promiscuity was certainly a part of Flower Power too.

Bob Dylan and Neil Diamond back in the day were my favourite message artists.  I think I eventually had all their albums.  Until one day I felt I had to get away from recorded musical messages and dumped all the records and tapes that I had had by then.  But both artists did take me through a very dark period of my past.  Johnny Farnham and "You are the Voice", I heard on the radio one day and it brought tears to my eyes too. It certainly is  gifted musically as are the lyrics.  

No, I have never read any of Bach's books except Jonathan Livingston Seagull and even then found the message a bit difficult to grasp.  That message only came home to me over a fairly lengthy - with intermittent periods of reflection on the book now and then.

That shocking horrific massacre in Christchurch.  Our media had it public as it was still happening.  It made me feel ill, same as when 9/11 happened.  I could not believe such an horrific event was real, but it was all too real and again made me feel ill. My problem is, and still is, with TV news anyway.  One minute they are reporting terrible news.  Next minute talking happily about the weather or some such thing.  Even though I am very much bipolar, I can't switch emotions that quickly.

Good to hear from you again, P60!........God bless and regards.........Barb

_______________________________

Rather than another post...............

Now and then I am seeking out articles or Youtube videos about bipolar or mental illness in general.

The video first video below "What is Bipolar Disorder" is brief (5.57 minutes) and very easy to understand.  It is an overview of bipolar disorder.  The more one understands one's bipolar illness, the better one is equipped to take necessary steps to "do what you can".  For those who do not suffer bipolar, it is an opportunity to understand the reality rather than taking on board all sorts of myths and false information about the illness.

I am in the process of watching another much longer Youtube video from Speaker: Shefali Miller, MD, Clinical Assistant Professor, Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, Stanford University Medical Center.  When I have finished that video I will post it if I like what the Professor has to say  I do a bit of housework and when back and legs start playing up, sit down and watch a bit of Foxtel or Youtube, continue reading some article.....or even finish a post until back and legs settle down and then I am up again. That is the rhythm of my days.  I still have not put back into place my routine daily prayer times - but pray on what I call "on the run" i.e. as I go about my day.

 

......and in thankfulness and praIse for Our God of Joy, of Love and of Laughter:

THE CHRISTMAS PLAY

 

[Guest]

First part in video in previous post ends at where Father is about to say words from The Gospel by the Angel of The Lord.....to watch the final part of video "Jessica's First Christmas" 4.5 mins (and very funny!)  go to...............

 

[Guest]

I am pretty confident I am on the other side of a bipolar episode and heading towards the 'normal' phase......well normal for me anyway.  Saw my GP yesterday and she is pretty confident as well. I have another double time appointment with her at the end of this week as a 'just in case'.

All being well, I have come through this episode without hospital.  The thing about hospitalization is that one does not have the concerns of the day to day i.e. washing, cooking and dishes, shopping etc.  Also, in hospital one feels safe from the implications of an episode as well as safe from the general community and misunderstandings.  As well, one is in fact protecting the community from needing to deal with an episode too.  With me not in hospital, my family have been a wonderful support as well as my GP........also workers from Anglicare (Package 2 from My Aged Care) who help me out each week with tasks in house and garden.  These too have had to deal with an episode due to the fact that they have been around me during an episode.

Where was my parish?  Good question.

 I think I have learnt some things with this recent episode.  I hope so.

One positive factor about feeling alone in some kind of difficulty where one's Catholicism is concerned - it can reveal that one is not Catholic in any way because of the human element.  It could even be a witness that Catholicism is about something much more and far more important and valued, transcendent, to the human functioning.

Everything in life in our Faith has a positive and a corresponding negative and vv.  Everything.

 

Edited November 1, 2019 by BarbaraTherese

[penitent60]

Hi BT. Glad to hear you have turned the corner so to speak. I am very glad you were able to avoid hospital too. My memories of state based health care (Queensland) is 100% bad. I felt if I was in gaol I would have been dealt with more respect etc, however I was fortunate to be in a situation where I was able to afford private health care so a better class of psych. hospital but at least I was able to access a private psych practitioner so saw them on a continuous basis rather than taking potluck which is mostly a guarantee to failure in mental health recovery.

The Catholic church has never been good at fellowship in the way Protestantism has been. Individual members you meet can help in a fellowship way, but as you pointed out the RCC has always focused more on the spiritual, and the fact you are never alone if you have God. This has been my experience anyhow. Having said that where I am now is not your average congregation as most folks have deliberately moved here....some of us from very far away indeed.

I have been delighted to meet someone where I have so many points of shared interest. I was appalled to discover you like "Some mothers do have them", surely one of the cringe able offerings ever made for tv IMHO. My period of less than optimal mental health seems to be shrivelling away too (thank you Lord). WIshing you a happy feast day for All Saints Day. Deo gratias.