Wedding question

[reginascribam]

Hey all! 

 

 

My wedding is in about a year and a half. My fiancé and I wanted to have a private wedding mass with just siblings and parents. However, my mom really really wants me to have all my extended family as well. My fiancé isn't thrilled at the idea and my dad isn't either. All my extended family is divorced and remarried, but have no qualms about taking communion as I found out to my horror at my Confirmation. 

 

I'm not trying to judge or anything, but I know for certain that the way they are living is a mortal sin. My grandma has literal voodoo dolls in display in her home and all her "boy advice" to me was always about how to manipulate and get what you want out of men. That and my grandma made family history by screaming during my mom's wedding mass and making a huge scene in church. I don't want to deal with the drama. I preferably would "elope" with just my fiancé's family and my own and send out an announcement afterwards. No one in my extended family attends church, so parish announcements wouldn't be an issue at all. Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

My extended family will probably be hurt/stop talking to me, but I feel like they will do that anyway. If I have to have them, I won't do a wedding mass. I don't want God disrespected on my special day. My fiancé agreed to going to mass and confession with me super early in the morning before the wedding so we can still get all the grace to start a lifelong union 

[Thy Geekdom Come]

Parents think think the wedding is about them, or at least about "family." They aren't wrong. But it's primarily about the new family that will stem from the marriage. I'd be hesitant to invite people who will be disruptive, disrespectful, or likely to involve sacrilege in your nuptials. At the very least, I'd make sure the priest was serious about the Eucharist and would make a statement, common at marriages, that only Catholics in a state of grace are welcome to Communion.

There comes a day as a parent, in many cases, where you have to put your foot down with your own parents about the way *you* do things and how they have to accept it because your kids are your kids and not theirs. (I've kicked my parents out before.) Eventually, you'll have to get used to setting your own course and not giving in to the whims of your parents.

[Lilllabettt]

1 hour ago, reginascribam said:

Hey all! 

 

 

My wedding is in about a year and a half. My fiancé and I wanted to have a private wedding mass with just siblings and parents. However, my mom really really wants me to have all my extended family as well. My fiancé isn't thrilled at the idea and my dad isn't either. All my extended family is divorced and remarried, but have no qualms about taking communion as I found out to my horror at my Confirmation. 

 

I'm not trying to judge or anything, but I know for certain that the way they are living is a mortal sin. My grandma has literal voodoo dolls in display in her home and all her "boy advice" to me was always about how to manipulate and get what you want out of men. That and my grandma made family history by screaming during my mom's wedding mass and making a huge scene in church. I don't want to deal with the drama. I preferably would "elope" with just my fiancé's family and my own and send out an announcement afterwards. No one in my extended family attends church, so parish announcements wouldn't be an issue at all. Any advice on how to deal with this?

 

My extended family will probably be hurt/stop talking to me, but I feel like they will do that anyway. If I have to have them, I won't do a wedding mass. I don't want God disrespected on my special day. My fiancé agreed to going to mass and confession with me super early in the morning before the wedding so we can still get all the grace to start a lifelong union 

It sounds like you have a plan. 

Is this an opportunity to separate yourself from toxic people? If so, consider taking it with no regrets.

If you want to keep the relationships, I would just tell your extended family after the fact that you eloped. You started wedding planning, realized you wanted to be married asap, and so did it asap. If your extended family is butthurt, say you're thinking about doing a vow renewal  in the backyard on your 1 year anniversary.  Then forget it, or actually do it if you really want to.  With less worries that your cray family will ruin that  less important day.

A lot of people "elope" nowadays with just a handful of family + minister present. It's on trend. 

[Thy Geekdom Come]

FYI, another option is to plan the wedding at a time or in a place when it's near impossible for anyone to attend. My wife and I got married 3 days after Christmas. We had a relatively small wedding. (It was also super affordable as a consequence.)

[reginascribam]

Okay, those ideas were kinda what I was thinking. I can't afford a giant blowout and I don't want one, let alone one with drama. We are both simple people overall. Any ideas on saving money would be lovely as well!

 

I will be baking our wedding 'cake' (we are doing mini cheesecakes for our family that you can personalize how you want) Our reception will be in the backyard and instead of a last dance and leaving ceremony, we are going to pray the rosary together instead. We both come from giant families, so I think it will be perfect, no matter what.

[Thy Geekdom Come]

My wife and I met on Phatmass back in '04. Our oldest son was the first person to exist because of Phatmass. Most of our mutual friends were online. (Several wedding attendees were Phatmassers.) We married in a town where most of her family lives and most of my family couldn't make it. So things were pretty affordable there.

I worked for the Church, so we got some facilities at a discount or free. Our reception hall was free because it was literally next to my office. We actually got a refund from the church for renting the facilities several years after we were married because they felt bad about having charged us in the first place. Our cantor (a PMer and college classmate who is basically an opera singer) was free. Flowers were free in the church because it was 3 days after Christmas and there were poinsettias everywhere. My wife's dress was $650 and that was the most expensive thing by far. I rented a tux. (Which I almost didn't fit by the time the wedding came along.) I was up at the church in my office the night before and the morning of the wedding printing out booklets and setting things up myself. We got catering platters from a local Italian place (like $50 each and we only needed about 5). There wasn't really any music. We danced to one song off my iPod. It wasn't even a special song to us. We would've done more, but the speaker system was having issues. Our photographer (another PMer) was free. Everyone there knew we were on a tight budget. Honestly, I feel kinda bad because some of my relatives traveled an awfully long way to see a wedding and get some cheap Italian food with no music. But whatcha gonna do? We had a budget. They all knew it going in.

The day of the wedding was kinda crazy. I was almost late to the Church because one of the guys staying at my apartment for the event took like an hour-long shower, knowing full well that I, the groom, needed to get in there. All I can say is make sure you've got lots of time that morning.

When we got to the reception, my bride and I waited in my office for the guests to arrive, so we could walk in when there were people there already. I had told my parents to tell us when to go into the reception, but apparently my parents didn't get the memo and never came to get us. We waited like an hour and a half before my dad explains that he didn't want to walk in on anything in my office between the newlyweds. I was like, "Eww. This is a church office. Why on earth would you assume that? What is wrong with you?"

Some time later, it occurred to me that we could've stayed much longer at our reception. We felt it was getting late, but that was only because it was the height of summer and it was like 6pm when the sun was fully set. However, my bride was sick, we were both exhausted, and it was just time to go be alone. (I don't know how other cultures do the whole "week-long celebration with your in-laws" thing. I think the instinct to finally go enjoy some time alone with each other is pretty strong, not just for the obvious reason, but simply because weddings involve months of exhausting planning so that other people can enjoy a moment that's mostly about the two of you. After all that, you kind of want to say, "forget them, when do we get to just be us?")

[Jane_Doe2]

Wedding day: have the wedding when and how you want it.  

Later day: have another big party that everyone can feel invited to.  

That way, you have your special day with you + finance + God, and on another day the extended family can have their party.  I've seen people do the later big party tying into a house-warming party, or anniversary, or just a time where it was more feasible to get people together.  

[Thy Geekdom Come]

1 minute ago, Jane_Doe2 said:

Wedding day: have the wedding when and how you want it.  

Later day: have another big party that everyone can feel invited to.  

That way, you have your special day with you + finance + God, and on another day the extended family can have their party.  I've seen people do the later big party tying into a house-warming party, or anniversary, or just a time where it was more feasible to get people together.  

Great idea. My parish community had what they called a "pounding" after we got married. It was where everyone would bring a pound of some essential for the home as a gesture to welcome a couple to domestic bliss.

There was also quite a bit of money handed out. That was very helpful.

Take advantage of those early opportunities to celebrate. People want to celebrate with you. That can only really last until the first anniversary. After you're married a couple years, they don't care any longer unless you're having a kid. (And after a few kids, they don't really care about that, either.)

[reginascribam]

Those all sound great! So yeah, we've decided on eloping with just immediate family, and we are going to stick with that unless something changes. My grandma is mad at me for some innocuous thing I supposedly said, and that doesn't look like it will clear up in time to react favorably to a save-the-date. 

 

I technically own a wedding dress I bought for ten dollars. It's really quite lovely, but my mom wants me in something less simple, so I may end up getting a 250$ dress.

 

As for food, my fiance and I both are...obsessed...with breakfast food, so we are just doing a giant brunch. I can't eat carbs due to a chronic disease I have, so having options like sausage and eggs will be perfect for me. That will be cheap too since we can cook most of the food ourselves.