Vocational Guilt

[Indwelling Trinity]

On 7/25/2019 at 11:25 AM, reginascribam said:

Hey all! 

 

 

My sweetheart and I were betrothed on the feast of St. Joseph this year and are getting married in early 2021. However, I've been extremely nervous about it. I want to make sure that I'm doing God's Will. It seems that He has been leading me to this all along and has given me signs and spoken to me, but at the same time, I feel nervous about the commitment. I love my fiance very, very much, but if God called me away, I would go, even if it broke my heart. 

 

At the same time, my mom has been trying to force me into a convent since I was a kid. When my sweetheart asked for permission to date me, my mom tried to convince my dad to say no, because she was sure that if I was single long enough, I'd become a nun. When I broke up with my first boyfriend, she told me that I was sad because I should be a nun. Even when I was little and told her I wanted to get married and be a mom, she'd tell me that she wanted me to be a nun instead and said God told her I would.  I guess that never made sense to me. I grew up very much in love with God but with no desire to be a nun. I was around sisters and nuns constantly of just about every order. I was pressured to discern by my mom. I did, and I swear he was telling me to marry my fiance.

 

As a result, I guess I feel nervous or guilty that I somehow have this weirdly hidden vocation I never knew about. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling about it.I have some  impediments to that that I couldn't tell my mom about, but they would effectively keep me from joining any order of religious.  If my mom ever caught wind of a difficulty my fiance and I were having, she'd pressure me into leaving him and going to live with the Dominican sisters nearby. No one else has ever agreed with my mom on this subject ever. I mean, I love God and would die for my Faith, but I want to love Him as a simple housewife and raise children to glorify Him. I've never had the desire to be a nun. I want to be a mother and wife, but more importantly, I want to be the wife of my amazing fiance and raise his children.  

It sounds like your mom is Unconsciously trying to live the life she would have liked for herself through you.

many parents do this subconsciously; on the other hand some parents see it as achieving. the Highest merit badge possible

My Dad used to do this . when I became can M.C. it was if it were nothing and there was not One single good wish from my family

But one I finished my medical studies and Post grad surgical Residency. all of a sudden. he was boasting of me as the doctor in the family which would upset me and make me cringe. 

One it was in poor taste secondly there was no reason for everyone to know and third It was an Unspoken judgment of me and my Value to him 

When I was diagnosed with M. S. and told him I had to restire because of disability , he just. lit a Cigarette, turned around shook his head said I was a loser.

what is most is to find a quiet spot relax and just sit with God and gently- lay the matter before him

Whatever gives your heart the mast Peace and happiness before God the Holy Trinity our Lady and God's angels , will most I, likely be  your answer . If Gods will is there for you in the and you will walk away With a gentle peace and Certitude that more on Earth can take from you.

hope this helps God Bless

Sr Emmanuel

[reginascribam]

Thank you all for the help! 

 

My mom came up to me out of nowhere and went into a long apology and even promised to back out  a bit. I nearly cried when I heard it. Id waited so long to hear something like that from her...

 

anyway, my fiancé and I are looking at wedding dates at the moment! God has truly blessed us. We were thinking of perhaps August 22 2020 or, if our priest wants us to wait a little more, January 23 2021. My sweetheart and I have a very special devotion to the blessed Mother, so I will be wearing a blue sash and he will have a miraculous medal instead of just a buttonhole flower thing.

 

on top of it, I discovered through prayer that God is calling me to work as a doula! It all seems too good to be true. I am so blessed. I dreamed of having this as a child, and now I have everything I ever prayed for...God is so good to me and my fiancé 

[Guest]

Beautiful almost married story.

May The Good Lord continue to be good to you and your fiance as I know He will.  May the prayers of His Mother bring you both closer to her Son.  It has been said that the criteria of holiness is devotion to Mary.  And we really need more married saints.

God bless you both at this very happy time in your journey......and your priest advisor too.   

[Antigonos]

Let me inject a cautious note.  Perhaps it will all happen as you currently think it will.  But then again, perhaps it won't.  Flexibility is a virtue.  I am glad that you and your mother have come to a rapprochement.

Being a doula is less exciting and more demanding than you might imagine.  There's a huge gap between the idealized image of the ecstatic new mother and the realities of labor.  To be honest, I would say to put that ambition on a back burner until you have the experience of giving birth yourself [I am a retired certified nurse midwife of 50 years' experience, btw]  Marriage is a full time job in itself. <g> [40th anniversary in 2 months, so I've got some of that "job experience" too in my background]

Edited August 9, 2019 by Antigonos

[gloriana35]

Wonderful post, Antigonos. 

I'm very happy for you, Regina - but I hope you won't mind a light-hearted, teasing reference from me. Let yourself go a bit, and fully enjoy being in love, and courtship. (My own mother used to happily recall places she went with my dad when they were dating, many decades later.) 

You seem to be a bit too obedient by nature. First, you worry about your mother - about disobeying God - now about having your priest determine your wedding date. Relax a  bit! It seems you have to add on being a doula to justify being happy about an upcoming wedding.

I saw a wonderful post on Facebook today - 'two weeks till my wedding day! I can't wait - I love him so much!" I hope the day when I see a similar post from you is not far off. 

[beatitude]

Congratulations, reginascribam.

I agree with the excellent advice offered by Gloriana and Antigonos. From what you've written, it does seem as if you have grown up in quite an unusual household. (In this day and age the boyfriends of most adult women don't go asking their dads for permission to date them, for example!) Experiencing this kind of upbringing may have led you to believe that your parents should have a greater say in your decision-making than is actually warranted at this stage in your life. You're an adult, and unless you and your fiancé are planning to set up an illegal drug den or prostitution racket or something of the sort, you are perfectly free to make your own decisions and you don't owe anyone any justifications for them. Our vocation always brings us freedom, and that too is a gift from God.

[Antigonos]

I sometimes wonder whether the emphasis on "obedience" in religious life encourages those who are somewhat immature, in thinking that they will go from parental dependency to conventual dependency, that the major decisions will, thankfully, be made for them and they will be able to remain in a child-parent relationship [although I doubt anyone in this situation would call it thus].  If one grows up in a very controlling environment, the idea of autonomy and independence can be quite threatening.  So much easier if someone else makes the decisions...

But, alas, one of the things that has stood out, in my conversations with those in religious life is the need for a very high level of emotional maturity.  Even in a cloister where one's daily life is very ordered, an immature person is going to have difficulty with interpersonal relationships -- and when one is stuck in the same place with the same people almost literally for one's entire adult life, this becomes a very big issue indeed.  Despite emphasis on "detachment" a sister is really never, ever, isolated but is part of a larger organism.  I was once told that the big issues, like adjusting to the horarium, sort themselves out -- it's the pinpricks that drive one up a wall, such as sitting next to a sister all the time who constantly fidgets or has some other small, annoying habit.

Perhaps convents need a sign "Only mature adults need apply" <g>

[gloriana35]

Spot on, Antigonos! I dearly hope that no religious communities still treat adults as if they were little children (as was true in the community I entered.) It was eerie - watching adults become all the more childish. I wonder if they entered because it was time to leave home, and they couldn't think of anywhere else to go where they'd still be little girls with mothers (or so they thought.) 

Of course, only mature adults can 'apply' for marriage, as well. 

 

[Antigonos]

7 hours ago, gloriana35 said:

 

Of course, only mature adults can 'apply' for marriage, as well. 

 

Indeed!  Far too many "children" get married these days, and the divorce statistics show the results!

[AStrictPerson]

On 7/25/2019 at 2:42 PM, Luigi said:

An awful lot of women joined religious orders in the years before the Second Vatican Council. An awful lot of women left religious orders after the Second Vatican Council. One reason so many women (and men) left - and it's only one reason, it's not a comprehensive explanation - was that so many of them never should have joined in the first place. In those days, an awful lot of families put an awful lot of pressure on an awful lot of their children to become a priest or join a religious order.

If God doesn't call the person to religious life or the priesthood, she or he shouldn't join.

Becoming a religious leaves an indelible mark. Once you are a religious, there is no going back. 

[JHFamily]

38 minutes ago, AStrictPerson said:

Becoming a religious leaves an indelible mark

No, it does not.  Only Baptism and Confirmation does that.  However, I think we would agree that someone leaving religious life after permanent vows is rather serious.  It remains, though, that the Church can indeed release someone from his vows.

[AveMariaPurissima]

3 hours ago, JHFamily said:

No, it does not.  Only Baptism and Confirmation does that.  However, I think we would agree that someone leaving religious life after permanent vows is rather serious.  It remains, though, that the Church can indeed release someone from his vows.

Very good points -- I would just add that in addition to Baptism and Confirmation, Holy Orders also leaves an indelible mark.

[JHFamily]

 

17 minutes ago, AveMariaPurissima said:

Holy Orders also leaves an indelible mark.

Yep.  You're right.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, AveMariaPurissima said:

However, I think we would agree that someone leaving religious life after permanent vows is rather serious.  It remains, though, that the Church can indeed release someone from his vows.

I agree.   It is indeed a "rather serious" matter to ask for release from final or perpetual life vows, which is why it is a far more complex matter to leave religious life after life vows than during the discerning years in the life.  The Process  

As I understand:  That The Church can and does release a person from final vows is an indication that it can be done and that it would not be a matter of mortal or venial sin to be dispensed.  If it were not so, then simply The Church would not ever release or dispense the person from final life vows.  Religious life builds on one's Baptism.   Even those of us in secular life are called to poverty, chastity and obedience in some form - not, however, as radically as those called to religious life.

 

Quote

 

Matthew Chapter 16

"And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, 13 and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it.

I will give you the keys to the kingdom of heaven. 14 Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

 

 

_______________

@Sponsa-Christi could state more about the vocation of Consecrated Virgin, in some ways similar to and yet quite different from religious life.  She would also be more informed on the subject of dispensation from life vows in religious life.

[Norseman82]

If this helps anyone reading this thread who may be going through something similar, CCC 2230 states that "Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse".