"Grieving" What is Not My Vocation

[monica_margaret]

Hi all,

Newbie here! So, ever since I converted at 17, I started to discern religious life. I absolutely LOVED the idea of religious life, and giving myself entirely to God. But, I noticed that I never quite felt "at home" in any particular community, as absolutely beautiful as I found the life. I started to discern marriage, but I continued to look at various communities as well. I felt especially drawn to Franciscan ones, but even those didn't quite feel like "it", and I often felt a little restless.

Last October, I went on a discernment retreat that changed my life. There, I realized my vocation....is to marriage and motherhood. Not religious life, as I'd thought/hoped. It took lots of prayer, surrender to God, and a VERY emotional talk with the vocations director of the community I was visiting to realize that. And, my initial response was intense, beautiful joy. I never felt anything quite like it. The vocations director even said my "whole countenance changed" when I realized it! 

But lately, I feel as though I'm "grieving" the fact I'm not called to religious life. Like, a sense of really wishing I WAS called there, even if God has made it abundantly clear that it's not for me. I can be a pretty melancholic person, so it's no surprise that it's intense, but it seems like it's been lingering for a while. I'm even dating a wonderful, holy man and he's going to introduce me to his family! I'm so happy, and certainly continuing to pray/discern God's will for me in my relationship with this young man, but on the same token I still have a lot of sadness about not being called to religious life. Like, seeing stuff about religious life (on Facebook or YouTube, or reading about it for example) does make me simply appreciate the beauty of it, and I thank God for those He has called, but many times I also feel very sad. It really does feel like grief sometimes, even if I'm so happy to have discovered my own vocation. So it just kind of makes me wonder why I still feel this way toward religious life. I was wondering if anyone else has ever felt that, if it's normal, how long such "desolation" should last, and finally, to please pray for me if you would!  

God be with you all,

~Monica

[Pax17]

Monica, you have suffered a loss-the loss of a vocation path-and you are indeed grieving something that was precious to you.  Everyone grieves differently, and grief runs its course.  Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your feelings.  Enjoy your relationship.  Your discernment experience has made you strong and will continue to be fruitful for you.

[deusluxmea]

Monica, I loved hearing your story, especially how "your countenance changed." And let me tell you, you are not alone, and I imagine this is quite normal. You were "wondering if anyone else has ever felt that," so here's my story. 

Years ago, I thought I was called to be a Benedictine nun. Then, I was wonderfully blessed to meet the person who would be my husband. During my engagement, I  visited a monastery, just to be 100 percent sure. But I felt the same restlessness that you described. So reader, I married him, and have been peacefully married for 13+ years.

That strong yearning  for religious life, though, took a while to dissolve (in fact, maybe it never left, which is why I am on this forum. ha!) Marriage has felt like home and my true calling. At the same time, I will admit that I did mourn religious life - even for a few years after marriage. But honestly, it all worked out okay. I try to live a Benedictine-style life as a lay person, and work in pastoral ministry, and my dude is amesome. God is good. 

You mentioned that you follow religious life things on Facebook and youtube, and maybe its a good idea to take a break from that right now. Like an ex-boyfriend, staying in "touch" via social media might be infecting the wound a bit, and not allowing you to fully invest in your future, be it with his holy young man or otherwise. 

And also, yay you! You faithfully and beautifully discerned, involved the wisdom of others in your journey, and can maturely see the gifts of both married and religious life. Maybe it is okay just to let yourself be a bit sad for a while. 

[gloriana35]

I ended up having a vocation to consecrated life, and did not recognise this until I was what, for then, was considered a mature age. But there is something I have noticed, in many people I've known. When someone either is a convert, or one who only came to devotion in adulthood, it is not at all unusual to wonder if God is calling one to a way of life that is beyond the norm. It isn't necessarily believing one should enter religious life or priesthood (though that often happens), but definitely a sense that one should have an extraordinary dedication (being a missionary, entering a cloister, whatever.)  I even have known of cases where someone who converted to Catholicism feared that God wanted her to sacrifice marrying a man she loved, just because he was not Catholic (though they were free to marry.)

I naturally have no idea of whether this influences your situation, but, since I was a life-long Catholic, and came to maturity at a time, unlike now, where there were many Religious (and in varied, large communities), I'd had too much exposure to Religious to have a romantic image. Yet I'm sure many Sisters (especially those who entered younger) went through a time of having a glorified image.  (Some young women have an equally starry-eyed view of marriage.)

 

Edited June 21, 2019 by gloriana35

[Luigi]

First of all, I think you get brownie points with God for being willing to enter religious life. So pat yourself on the back for that.

Second, you could still (eventually?) decide to be an oblate of a religious orders. I know women's congregations of Dominicans and Sisters of St. Joseph who offer this, and I know Benedictine monasteries offer it for both women and men. Deusluxmea says she's doing basically the same thing, although not formally.

Third, you can take that admiration for religious life and make it your unofficial ministry - praying for vocations, providing materials to people to express an interest in it, and that kind of thing. The Serra Club would be a more formal way to do that: https://serraus.org/

I don't know your financial situation, but the The Laboure Society helps college graduates pay off their student loans so they can enter religious life or the seminary. Maybe you could donate to them, or host an annual fundraiser for them or something. https://www.facebook.com/labouresociety

My point is that you understand the strong desire to be a religious. Turns out, that's not your calling, but you can empathize with other people who feel it. And maybe there's something you can do to help them out, as a way of redirecting your own strong desire.

 

 

[Dymphna]

Hello Monica,

good that you got such a clear impression of your vocation! About your love for the "idea" of religious life - it's not really clear to me from what you write, what you find so beautiful and attractive about religious life, and I'm wondering if it's not really clear for you as well. I think it would be a good idea to look at the reasons for your admiration more closely. If it's clear that you are called to marriage, but you find yourself restless when you get into contact with this alternative life concept, this might be an invitation from God to incorporate what you admire in religious life into your own, hopefully married life.

For example, you may love the idea to spend many hours in prayer every day - then maybe you could pray with the Jesus Prayer, which allows you to pray during many other tasks. Or you might be attracted to life in poverty, with only what you really need - maybe you and your husband could agree a simple lifestyle which allows your family to support others financially.

[OneHeart]

Here is a book about vocation that might be helpful.  It is very soothing and comforting.Here is the free online pdf:  https://www.scribd.com/document/380295635/Spiritual-Guidelines-for-Souls-Seeking-God-Fr-Basil-W-Maturin

I've found this very reassuring about what is an actual vocation. Hope this helps?

[monica_margaret]

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted this -- but my, how things have changed since then! I just wanted to update you all real quick since I'm more active on here again and you were all so kind to give advice. Thank you all for that!

I'm much better now; a lot more at peace about my vocation, as I should be (although now there's a lot of anxiety about not having much luck in dating since I felt ready to move on after my breakup in September -- that's a whole other story though! Feeling like I have no choice but to just completely trust God right now -- but isn't that what we ought to do all the time? )

Deusluxmea, I feel like that's how I'll always be -- the yearning taking a while to dissolve I mean. I feel much better, but there's still a slight sense of "what if". And for me it feels like there will always be a strong sense of admiration of women who are called to religious life, and I love to learn about different orders and such. I also love to pray for vocations -- I think I'll make it part of my daily prayer. But who knows. God is outside of time, so perhaps a close friend or possibly even a daughter of mine someday will become a religious and my own discernment will make it easier to bear/understand! A few good acquaintances have entered this fall, and I sometimes write letters to them. Who knows how He might use my discernment and the openness I gave Him. 

Luigi, I've actually thought about becoming a secular Franciscan (as most of the communities I discerned with were Franciscan and I relate most with that spirituality); that in itself is a discernment as well I suppose. And finances aren't currently allowing, but I at least follow the Laboure Society on Facebook. It's refreshing to see how so many vocations are rescued by them! One of the acquaintances who entered was in fact helped by them; she joined the Benedictines of Mary, Queen of Apostles back in September. Maybe someday, though, I will be able to donate or create a fundraiser.

Finally, I'll definitely read that, OneHeart! Thank you for sharing. 

God bless you all! Know that you are in my prayers, and I hope you will pray for me too as I continue along my journey toward my vocation! 

[Guest]

14 hours ago, monica_margaret said:

completely trust God

Spot on.  Prayer for your continuing journey.