My Brother Out of Nowhere Got Married

[tinytherese]

Yesterday, I got a text with photos of my brother and his apparentally wife getting married in court, announcing that they had gotten married the day before. We knew that he was dating a woman we hadn't met yet, but didn't expect this. 

Last Christmas, upon informing us that his off again on again/complicated relationship with a different woman was done with for good this time, he informed the family that he didn't want to get married. He also said that he didn't want to have kids. Well, he changed his mind once, so for all we know he might change it again.  

He lives in Denver and most of the family, including me, live in Iowa. He's technically my half brother from my dad. He and his ex-wife had a very messy divorce when my brother was 2. Our dad and his ex still loathe each other to this day. That played a big part in his fear of commitment, along with having multiple friends get divorced. He was baptized Catholic, but was confirmed Lutheran. I don't think he goes to church in his denomination consistently.

He's 40 and I'm 30. Our brother is 17. He grew up living with his mom, stepdad, and the daughter that they had together in another city from us. (What's especially awkward is that his stepdad is the guy that his mom left our dad for.) He admits that he's an alcoholic. I've seen him drunk or tipsy at least a couple times. 

I normally only see him a couple times a year. He's practically a stranger to me. He's really slow at responding to emails. We're Facebook friends, but usually only leave each other birthday wishes. I feel awkward starting conversations with him if we're not together in person. I would've talked to him yesterday, but I had to have all of my assigments, including a test for a class due last night at exactly 12:01 a.m.

I'm still processing this and don't know what to say without making it awkward. Any suggestions? I wonder if his wife is on Facebook. That introduction might be even more awkward. What do I say? "Hi, I'm your husband's sister. Welcome to the family."

Edited December 14, 2018 by tinytherese

[Lilllabettt]

9 hours ago, tinytherese said:

Yesterday, I got a text with photos of my brother and his apparentally wife getting married in court, announcing that they had gotten married the day before. We knew that he was dating a woman we hadn't met yet, but didn't expect this. 

Last Christmas, upon informing us that his off again on again/complicated relationship with a different woman was done with for good this time, he informed the family that he didn't want to get married. He also said that he didn't want to have kids. Well, he changed his mind once, so for all we know he might change it again.  

He lives in Denver and most of the family, including me, live in Iowa. He's technically my half brother from my dad. He and his ex-wife had a very messy divorce when my brother was 2. Our dad and his ex still loathe each other to this day. That played a big part in his fear of commitment, along with having multiple friends get divorced. He was baptized Catholic, but was confirmed Lutheran. I don't think he goes to church in his denomination consistently.

He's 40 and I'm 30. Our brother is 17. He grew up living with his mom, stepdad, and the daughter that they had together in another city from us. (What's especially awkward is that his stepdad is the guy that his mom left our dad for.) He admits that he's an alcoholic. I've seen him drunk or tipsy at least a couple times. 

I normally only see him a couple times a year. He's practically a stranger to me. He's really slow at responding to emails. We're Facebook friends, but usually only leave each other birthday wishes. I feel awkward starting conversations with him if we're not together in person. I would've talked to him yesterday, but I had to have all of my assigments, including a test for a class due last night at exactly 12:01 a.m.

I'm still processing this and don't know what to say without making it awkward. Any suggestions? I wonder if his wife is on Facebook. That introduction might be even more awkward. What do I say? "Hi, I'm your husband's sister. Welcome to the family."

I can one-up you.

I found out my brother was married when I entered our very unusual last name in Facebook. Some chick named Katie Ourlastname came up. Her profile was full of wedding pictures with my brother.  Surprise!

No one from our family has seen or spoken to him for 10 years. His decision. No address, no phone #. He posted on PM for a bit but I believe Dust banned him.  Our parents were monsters and we all dealt with that in different ways. His last words to me were "they tortured me" referring to my parents.  In fact they tortured all of us. It was horrible and for us as children there was no escape possible.  So, he deals with that by just pretending we are all dead and going on with life.

Although it is painful at the holidays, or like, for example, on my wedding day, and it makes me angry that I lost my brother for nothing that I did ....  I can be happy that he found the courage to do what he felt he needed to do to have a happy life.

Tldr: a similar thing happened to me with my brother.  I did send his new wife a fb message welcoming her to the family.  She didn't respond though.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, tinytherese said:

 

I'm still processing this and don't know what to say without making it awkward. Any suggestions? I wonder if his wife is on Facebook. That introduction might be even more awkward. What do I say? "Hi, I'm your husband's sister. Welcome to the family."

A similar thing happened with my foster son.  We had only just met the lady when they announced they were getting married.  It was a huge shock, but we did our best to be loving accepting her into our family and we attended his civil marriage and reception.  The marriage lasted a little more than three months.  She has returned to the UK and he is still in love with her apparently and having tremendous difficulty re the separation.  Now he has separated from us not wanting contact.  I think it is more from shame about the situation since we did make her welcome.  I do think also that because we all said after the breakup that we were not surprised and he married too hastily -that he might have felt we were lacking in understanding and empathy.  Perhaps we were and he is very angry about it and if so, then understandably.

I think one can only do what one thinks is appropriate -  and deal with the unfolding circumstances as one can and whatever the circumstances might be.  If you really do not know what to do, ask the advice of a priest or someone you trust to give some sound advice.  There is no guarantee of course that things will go one way or another.

[CatherineM]

Pfft. I found out my brother Chris was actually a half brother instead of a cousin when I was in my 20’s. He was in his 40’s. That was a big secret to keep. 

[Lilllabettt]

49 minutes ago, CatherineM said:

Pfft. I found out my brother Chris was actually a half brother instead of a cousin when I was in my 20’s. He was in his 40’s. That was a big secret to keep. 

Did he know all that time?? Or did he find out cuz he needed a kidney or something? Was the dad the milkman (sorry not trying to offend, can't resist)

[Guest]

1 hour ago, CatherineM said:

Pfft. I found out my brother Chris was actually a half brother instead of a cousin when I was in my 20’s. He was in his 40’s. That was a big secret to keep. 

My mother's sister's two children were raised by their grandmother.  They were told in their teens that their aunty was really their mother.  It really messed them up psychologically.

 

19 hours ago, tinytherese said:

I'm still processing this and don't know what to say without making it awkward. Any suggestions? I wonder if his wife is on Facebook. That introduction might be even more awkward. What do I say? "Hi, I'm your husband's sister. Welcome to the family."

I would not know what to advise you, TT, other than to have a talk with a priest or someone you know and value for their wisdom and  advice.   Advice is only that and does not make another responsible for what one decides of course.  Our decisions are our own responsibility.   We can take up advice as advice only, or leave it.  

All our decisions have consequences and most often we have no control over those consequences.

I do wish I could be of more help.  Best of luck and God's Blessing on your relationship with your brother, his wife - and also your studies.  I will keep your situation in prayer.

I hope that other members might be more helpful to you.

[CatherineM]

My Dad escaped from a POW camp and was given leave back home. His only surviving family member was a brother, his wife and son. He got to their house just as his brother was reported as missing presumed dead. Kind of like what happened in the movie Pearl Harbor. 

He and his sister in law consoled each other and by the time they got notice that my Uncle was in a Japanese POW camp, she was pregnant. My Uncle forgave my Dad and raised my brother as his own. None of us found out until my Uncle passed away. Don’t remember now who told him. My Dad was already dead at the time. 

Their marriage survived until the late 50’s when they lost a daughter to leukaemia. She fell apart and became a homeless alcoholic. She literally lived out of a shopping cart on skid row. Every other year or so they’d go get her, clean her up, and she’d stay sober for about six months. 

[tinytherese]

I wrote "Congratulations on getting married" on his Facebook wall.  I got an email notification that he sent me a personal message, thanking me and saying that he's not announcing it on Facebook yet because he wants to tell more family and friends first. Neither of us are on Facebook much.

When I logged on to see his message, I read a notification that a friend of mine from high school that I don't really talked to got married today. I heard about her being engaged and they surprized her side of the family with getting married that day. I tapped the like button on her Facebook wall.

[Lilllabettt]

16 hours ago, tinytherese said:

I wrote "Congratulations on getting married" on his Facebook wall.  I got an email notification that he sent me a personal message, thanking me and saying that he's not announcing it on Facebook yet because he wants to tell more family and friends first. Neither of us are on Facebook much.

When I logged on to see his message, I read a notification that a friend of mine from high school that I don't really talked to got married today. I heard about her being engaged and they surprized her side of the family with getting married that day. I tapped the like button on her Facebook wall.

Wow. So a 3 hour engagement or something?

[tinytherese]

40 minutes ago, Lilllabettt said:

Wow. So a 3 hour engagement or something?

No, they'd been engaged for months and impulsively decided that since they were visiting some family members on her side, that they should have the wedding then. Now that I think about it, I shouldn't be surprized. In high school, she was known for making plans and then changing her plans shortly before they were about to happen. This annoyed some of us, including me because of how this would affect us. Then she acted as if we were being unreasonable. These are some of the reasons why I don't hang out with her anymore.

She's Catholic or at least was when I knew her and I doubt that it was a Catholic ceremony. I don't know what her husband's religious belifs are. 

 

[Guest]

23 hours ago, tinytherese said:

I wrote "Congratulations on getting married" on his Facebook wall.  I got an email notification that he sent me a personal message, thanking me and saying that he's not announcing it on Facebook yet because he wants to tell more family and friends first. Neither of us are on Facebook much.

Excellent  - that is a start with your brother.  I hope the unfoldings from your start will be happy and productive for your relationship with your brother and his new wife.  So far, so good.

[Peace]

On 12/14/2018 at 5:18 AM, tinytherese said:

Yesterday, I got a text with photos of my brother and his apparentally wife getting married in court, announcing that they had gotten married the day before. We knew that he was dating a woman we hadn't met yet, but didn't expect this. 

Last Christmas, upon informing us that his off again on again/complicated relationship with a different woman was done with for good this time, he informed the family that he didn't want to get married. He also said that he didn't want to have kids. Well, he changed his mind once, so for all we know he might change it again.  

He lives in Denver and most of the family, including me, live in Iowa. He's technically my half brother from my dad. He and his ex-wife had a very messy divorce when my brother was 2. Our dad and his ex still loathe each other to this day. That played a big part in his fear of commitment, along with having multiple friends get divorced. He was baptized Catholic, but was confirmed Lutheran. I don't think he goes to church in his denomination consistently.

He's 40 and I'm 30. Our brother is 17. He grew up living with his mom, stepdad, and the daughter that they had together in another city from us. (What's especially awkward is that his stepdad is the guy that his mom left our dad for.) He admits that he's an alcoholic. I've seen him drunk or tipsy at least a couple times. 

I normally only see him a couple times a year. He's practically a stranger to me. He's really slow at responding to emails. We're Facebook friends, but usually only leave each other birthday wishes. I feel awkward starting conversations with him if we're not together in person. I would've talked to him yesterday, but I had to have all of my assigments, including a test for a class due last night at exactly 12:01 a.m.

I'm still processing this and don't know what to say without making it awkward. Any suggestions? I wonder if his wife is on Facebook. That introduction might be even more awkward. What do I say? "Hi, I'm your husband's sister. Welcome to the family."

A lot of folks have family relationships like that. It seems like you are handling it a good way. From my own personal experiences I know that it is possible to be kind of estranged from a family member, but then to become a lot closer as time passes by if one of you wants it and keeps putting in the effort. They way I look at it is with family it is always good to try.