Chastity and Counseling

[cruciatacara]

 

[Anomaly]

tiny,

I think need to keep trying to find a therapist and work with them.   Try to keep in mind that healing and growth is a process that takes a very long time.  No body will be perfect or really understand all the issues al the time.   Keep trying to find someone you can communicate with and try to be patient with yourself and them.   

I think it’s a great idea you may ask your psychiatrist for a referral.   The healing your looking for is not impossible, but will be slow, difficult, and gradual.   A therapist may be able to help you stay focused on a few issues or behaviors at a time.  

I wish you well. 

[CatherineM]

My therapist is a Franciscan counseling grad. She used to do Skype counseling but doesn’t now. Maybe you could try their alumni information. There is a catholic counseling association too. 

[tinytherese]

2 hours ago, CatherineM said:

My therapist is a Franciscan counseling grad. She used to do Skype counseling but doesn’t now. Maybe you could try their alumni information. There is a catholic counseling association too. 

Those sound like good ideas.

Does anyone have any tips on interviewing a therapist without coming off like I'm interrogating them or am really hard to work with?

[Norseman82]

53 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

Those sound like good ideas.

Does anyone have any tips on interviewing a therapist without coming off like I'm interrogating them or am really hard to work with?

Something to keep in the back of your mind:  how many success stories has the therapist had, and how long did it take?  The reason I ask is that you want to actually solve the problem and not get caught in the culture of perpetual therapy, correct?  Can he/she lay out a timeline or steps/goals?

On ‎11‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 8:28 PM, Lilllabettt said:

The options are not mutually exclusive, marriage or burning in hell

>>>insert image of taco (so tasty) (so tasty) (so tasty) girl saying "why not both???<<<<

Marriage is not a magic wand making sex issues go away.

Marriage is (among other things)  a vow that you agree you are willing to practice celibacy for periods of time (due to illness work whatever, of your spouse).  And that you are willing to practice it permanently if your spouse is incapacitated. I tell this to secular kids who are sleeping around or really have no concept of a "dry spell" and it blows their mind.

At the same time, a "dry spell" in marriage more often than not will come to an end. 

I guess the question to ask is:  given the choice of sinful sexual activity outside of marriage and lawful activity within, which would you rather have?

Edited December 2, 2018 by Norseman82

[Lilllabettt]

1 hour ago, Norseman82 said:

 

I guess the question to ask is:  given the choice of sinful sexual activity outside of marriage and lawful activity within, which would you rather have?

I feel like it's a fake question.  I mean duh. I think we know the answer, right. But the choice is not that simple. If you are using and abusing women sexually (by having premarital sex with them for example) that isn't healed just because now you're married and your sex is acceptable.  Married men can and do use their wives. If you can't practice continence you're going to be rubbish at marriage. Because when you need to practice continence and you're married... its worse because you "should" be able to indulge. 

[tinytherese]

20 minutes ago, Norseman82 said:

Something to keep in the back of your mind:  how many success stories has the therapist had, and how long did it take?  The reason I ask is that you want to actually solve the problem and not get caught in the culture of perpetual therapy, correct?  Can he/she lay out a timeline or steps/goals?

At the same time, a "dry spell" in marriage more often than not will come to an end. 

I guess the question to ask is:  given the choice of sinful sexual activity outside of marriage and lawful activity within, which would you rather have?

True, but it's complicated though. One therapist might work really well for one person but might not work for someone else. Also, some personalities just don't work well together. It's a mess.

On Reclaim, we've been warned not to get married as a way to deal with our addictions. On a video that we're required to watch, an anonymous voiceover personal story given by a woman thought that getting married was the solution to her sexual addictions, but after she did, they didn't stop. 

Besides, marrying the first Catholic single guy who isn't a priest or seminarian I see so I can have sex isn't a good idea from a practical standpoint. Our personalities and what we want in life might clash. We could hypothetically be miserable together and so would any kids that would result because I was consumed with needing to find a means to relieve my sexual frustration that neither of us focused on whether we were right for each other. He'd rightfully feel used and I'd be codependent for him. 

Even without that, if he isn't in the mood when I am, or he's goes into a coma, or a myriad of other reasons, what then? Would I cheat on him to get my fix? Would I pressure him into doing it? That's sexual abuse because of the lack of consent and disrespecting a boundary. 

I know that a lack of sex is unhealthy in a marriage, but that doesn't justify such behavior. Lack of sexual desire is a medical problem though that a doctor can treat. Some people don't believe that spousal rape is a thing, but it is. I've even heard Christians justify it, claiming that by marrying someone that you're agreeing to always have sex with them. No, that's not accurate. You're vowing to spend the rest of your lives together, to hopefully help each other to be holy, only have sex with each other, and in the case of Catholic marriage, be open to life. By marrying someone, you're not saying that you'll be willing to have sex 24 hours a day 7 days a week whenever your spouse wants it. It needs to be freely agreed upon by you both.

What if he died before me? Would I remarry as quickly as possible then so I can have sex? That would be treating him like a replacable object and be an insult to his memory. Just imagine how awful that would be for any kids that we'd have, his loved ones, and those who knew him who'd still be processing his death. (I'm not saying that those who remarry are doing this. You'll never forget them and no one could replace them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to find love a second time. Dating the same day that they die though is just way too soon.)

[Lilllabettt]

2 hours ago, tinytherese said:

Those sound like good ideas.

Does anyone have any tips on interviewing a therapist without coming off like I'm interrogating them or am really hard to work with?

1. Are you comfortable/do you have experience working with people who might be on the spectrum?

2. Are you familiar with the concept of "detaching with love". I want to focus on establishing boundaries- working to improve the relationship/fixing it is not something I want to work towards right now. 

3. I'm an observant Catholic; can you support my goals where my religion and sexuality are concerned? 

[tinytherese]

12 hours ago, Anomaly said:

tiny,

I think need to keep trying to find a therapist and work with them.   Try to keep in mind that healing and growth is a process that takes a very long time.  No body will be perfect or really understand all the issues al the time.   Keep trying to find someone you can communicate with and try to be patient with yourself and them.   

I think it’s a great idea you may ask your psychiatrist for a referral.   The healing your looking for is not impossible, but will be slow, difficult, and gradual.   A therapist may be able to help you stay focused on a few issues or behaviors at a time.  

I wish you well. 

Yea, I do need to be patient. It's just tough when you've been trying for so many years and haven't gotten very far though. I'm even part of a club on my college campus called Active Minds that promotes getting help for mental illness and reducing stigma against mental illness. It's kind of awkward being an advocate for these things despite my history. There's been talk of getting students, staff, etc. to anonymously write their personal testimonies about getting help for their mental health struggles and how they've benefited from counseling. I'm all for that, but I'm not the right person to give write a testimony.

[Anomaly]

Tiny,

Dont worry about coming off as interrogatory it demanding. Just by the fact you are concerned you may be, you aren’t to the degree you fear.   A good therapist should understand or try to.  A bad one would not. 

Don’t worry about being on a timeline for healing.   Everyone is different.  You can discern if you’re making some progress, or not. If you are not getting worse, that’s a plus. 

Picture healing from a broken leg.  You can be in a cast and out of pain in hours.  It may take weeks, or months, or years to get full mobility back, if ever, depending on the break, rehab, your body, your age, etc.

I understand how it can be frustrating that it takes so long to heal.  Giving up on healing is the one sure way to make things worse or keep from getting better.  There are many people who wish you well and can help a little.  Look for them past those who can’t. 

[tinytherese]

My psychiatrist suggested taking an ADD medication. I figured it was worth a try. I was warned that medicaid might not pay for it though since I don't have a diagnosis and it's expensive. The pharmacy contacted them and they still haven't heard back yet on what the verdict is. The pharmacist says that she empathizes with me. She also pointed out that unfortunately, a lot of insurance companies don't want to give such medications to adults, thinking that if you weren't diagnosed as a child that you don't have the condition. Her brother wasn't diagnosed with a learning disability until he was in his 30s. I told her about not knowing that I was high functioning autistic till I was 24 and that I don't even know if I have ADD anyway. 

I asked a woman who's helping me with learning accomodations if she could recommend a place that does psychological evaluations that accepts medicaid or uses a sliding scale fee. So far, she's mentioned local places that have bad reputations. One such psychiatrist, without even talking to a patient, changed their dosage when they went to get a refill of their medication. He dropped one patient for questioning him about something. I'm personally uncomfortable talking to even a male professional about my sex abuse history anyway. I was looking up potential psychiatrists online and was especially uncomfortable with one because of good looking he was.

I'll contact the place that did my autism diagnosis years ago, since I had a good experience with the particular psychologist that I worked at the time and according to their website, she's still there. I'll have to check though. It's awkward though because it's like 40 minutes away from where I live.

After my maybe diagnosis though, I know that I'll need weekly counseling. I've tried doing it every other week with someone and I didn't personally find it effective. Too much time passed between sessions and we had to pretty much restart at phase one each time. "What were we talking about last time again?"