Teenager with a religious vocation? Help?

[swimminghome]

Ah, here we go. 

I’m a Catholic teenage girl and I’m confident I’ve got a religious vocation. I’ll try explaining everything as best I can so here we go. 

I’m one of four kids, the middle child between my siblings at home, of a Catholic family. We attend Mass every Saturday evening and I’m currently preparing for my Confirmation. Ever since I was a little girl I’ve just been always close to God and Jesus through prayer and school. 

All of this began when I was about twelve. At the time I was in some heavy lows absolutely unimaginable for a kid that age, and I often contemplated taking my life. I had been through some bad things that ultimately lead me to make poor decisions; I was was so upset and didn’t know why. This carried on for about a year and a few months. It was this horrible internal conflict leaving me borderline atheist and completely depressed and furious at God. During this time, around June or July of 2016, shortly after my thirteenth birthday, my family was going to the beach and I remember so vividly sitting in the car listening to music when this beautiful image popped into my mind. It was myself dressed in a habit and some nuns happily running down the shoreline, laughing and carrying our shoes with us. In the quote, “revelation,” I was beyond joyful, something I craved more than anything. I remember having that replace every thought of suicide I had that day. It was so beautiful that it resonates with me now. So that was the first “sign” I recieved from God. 

In September of that year, I finally went to confession and the horrible anxiety, depression, and everything began to trickle away after time. For the most part, the thought of being devoted entirely to God someday was always there. 

Fast forward to January of 2018, I went on my Confirmation retreat. I remember Adoration was the most sacred part to me. I sat in the pew closest to Jesus with my rosary and I remember feeling like ecstasy in the silence. It was so beautiful, and when I prayed the Hail Marys I felt so intimately close to Jesus that words cannot explain it.

 I came home an emotional mess because I just knew what God wanted. I remember unpacking my clothes and crying pretty badly because in my heart I just knew any comfort or love I wanted could only be found in God; I knew at that moment I was never gonna be happy unless I could be with Jesus. 

That March, I was volunteering for KC and there was a boy there. He flirted with me and the whole time all I wanted to do was crawl under a table and hide. I felt as if I was betraying God or something. By the time the night was over, my family and I went to Stations of the Cross and the moment I looked at the tabernacle I just wanted to cry. I felt so sorrowful for some reason, like I had committed a mortal sin by allowing this boy to flirt with me. 

I remember one night I was writing and I got excited by the thought of sleeping on the floor of my tiny room as a nun someday. Even now my biggest desire, as nerdy or strange as this sounds, is martyrdom. For me it’s the best way I could ever please my Lord; my top priority for life is getting to Heaven where I can finally see Him face to face. 

My biggest fear in this life is committing a mortal sin. I’ve been down that road and it’s the loneliest one, never again do I want to venture down it. I want to bring others to Christ and get my degree in Theology. All I want to do is be a tool for good, not for evil. As long as I’m alive I want to please Jesus. He died for my sins and I often think to myself that if I don’t make it to Heaven someday, then all of that suffering was for nothing. 

Here it is— no one knows of these thoughts, feelings, or experiences. I want to sum up the courage to tell my parents but I’m so afraid they’ll say “it’s just a phase,” or something along those lines. My father has mentioned his disinterest in the religious life for me in the past, and my mother doesn’t think it’s right for me (I had asked them what they thought I was going to be when I grew up or something along those lines.) I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with my priest at all. I think my older brother is catching onto it though, he oftentimes teases me about being a nun and how “pure” I am.

Please, I’m begging anyone, does this sound like a religious vocation? If so, how should I tell my parents? What steps should I take? Thank you for taking your time out to read this. 

[shieldmaiden19]

Your story reminds me strongly of my own, just about two years behind and with more difficulties. Please, have courage. I believe, from what you have said, that it is certainly possible, perhaps even probable, that you have a true religious vocation. The most important thing is to stay close to Jesus and trust Him to lead you. I think it's important to tell your parents about this as soon as you can, but also important for you to have enough confidence to address their concerns without becoming too discouraged in your discernment. Certainly tell your parents together, and know that if you are open with them about your interest in religious life, the joy it brings you and the reasons you want to pursue it as at least a possibility for your life, they will probably take it better than you expect, and as time goes on they will probably only become more supportive. I think that it is usually mostly a lack of familiarity and understanding that causes parents to react badly to their child discerning a religious vocation- after all, they don't know what it's like to receive one! I understand not feeling comfortable with your priest, but you should certainly talk to some priest or religious. Try to spend some time with religious communities near you, and learn a bit about their vocations. Whatever you do, try to be calm. It is your willingness that pleases God, and that is all He is asking of you at the moment. He'll make sure everything after that works out. God bless you!

[beatitude]

Based on the dates you mention, you're fifteen now. Is that right? This will affect the advice we can give.

First of all, finding your vocation is a very practical down-to-earth business. It's not about sleeping on the floor, having a mental image of yourself in a flowing veil, wishing for martyrdom, or reacting with horror if a boy shows interest in you. Those things are simply signs of a teenager who is interested in her faith and in the religious life, and who is still figuring out how to live as a Catholic girl. It's normal as a teenager to get very caught up in the idea of receiving special mystical signs and visions, but these are not what a vocation is based on. It's also completely normal as a teenager to feel anxious when someone of the opposite sex shows interest in you. Don't set store by these things.

So what to do next? You mention that you are drawn to Adoration, and that you want to bring others to Christ. Based on these two things, the logical suggestion would be to a.) spend time in Adoration, and b.) get involved in some kind of mission activity, such as Children's Liturgy, or a Bible study. You could also contact a few communities (preferably ones local to you) that have Adoration and missionary work as central aspects of their life. It would be good for you to get to know sisters through writing and, if possible, to see up close how they live. Some communities do offer retreats for younger girls.

We don't discern a vocation alone. It's not just about our own feelings; a religious community has to recognise that we are called there. This is why it's impossible to really discern without talking to a community. You need company, and you need time. So there's no need to tell your parents that you are called to religious life, only that you are interested in it - because you can't know that you're called until the day you make final vows! Right now all you know is that you want to try your vocation as a sister. That's a wonderful thing. It doesn't mean you are announcing at fifteen everything you plan to do for the next eight decades, it just means that you feel an attraction and you want to explore it. Represent it that way to your parents.

If you're still experiencing distress of the kind that you describe, and you aren't currently getting any medical help for it, you should look into that. It sounds as though you've had a really rough time. Religious life isn't a cure for emotional pain, and if you suffer from depression outside the convent, you're very likely to suffer from it within a convent as well. Taking care of yourself is very important. Jesus loves us and meets our needs, yes, but he often ministers to us through other humans, and it's perfectly fine to seek out care and support from other people.

 

 

[swimminghome]

Thank you for the answers! I’ll probably just keep it to myself for the time being, most likely until my Confirmation in a few weeks. I appreciate your concern for me but I assure you I’m perfectly fine now. Thank you!

[sr.christinaosf]

Prayers for you!

[swimminghome]

Thank you! 

[28yrolddiscerner]

I think you should look into different communities and start talking with them.  Maybe try a Come and See. Also, you definitely need spiritual direction.  Find a priest you feel comfortable with and just ask if he does SD.  You’ll be in my prayers!

[Sister Leticia]

Hello Swimminghome - and welcome!

I do agree with what Beatitude has suggested, especially if you are still 15. You're too young to enter religious life, and probably too young for Come & See events - though some communities might host retreats for your age group. (I'm a sister in the UK, where we wouldn't normally have someone under 18 at a Come & See - but I know things are a bit different with some communities in the US)

So maybe you can focus on getting to know some local communities, if possible, and find ways to pray/work alongside them. And take things slowly and gently with your parents, and - when you do tell them - emphasise that you're just considering religious life "as an option", not a done deal. You can make sure they know that you will have to discern, with help and accompaniment, and this will take time. And that the fundamental attitude we need to take into any discernment is openness to whatever God might be asking of us, so there is no certainty as yet, only enquiry.

And of course, if you are invited to a retreat at a convent you would need your parents' permission, and, if travel is involved, you'll need their financial support, lifts etc. You know them better than we do, of course, but generally, parents often need time to digest this sort of thing, and ask questions - so slowly and gently is the best way.

Also, I see that you've referred to getting a degree in theology. Were you thinking of doing that before entering religious life? If so, there's definitely no rush, and you can make sure your parents know you're not thinking of entering for some time, which might help.  

If you do manage to link up with a local convent I hope there's a sister there you can talk with, and ask her to accompany you. People often suggest asking a priest to be an SD, but actually, sisters are usually very experienced at this (and often well-trained in SD). 

Meanwhile, try to live in the present. Continue to pray and love the Lord, but also make sure you find a balance in your life. Be a loving daughter/sister/friend, finding ways to live and love with generosity and helpfulness, but also focus on your education and any other commitments. And blessings on these final few weeks of preparation for your Confirmation!

[gloriana35]

Beatitude made some very wise points.

Many people, especially those who are very sensitive and dedicated, have tumultuous emotions during their teenage years. Your having considered suicide and the obsession with committing a sin, wanting to be a martyr, and so forth can both indicate you need medical treatment and that you have an overlay of excessive romanticism and drama about your vocation. Solid spiritual direction is not easy to find - but I do hope you are able to get a fine spiritual director.

Since you are not old enough to enter a religious community, may I recommend that you not discuss the vocation with family and friends now. It might be best that you concentrate on your studies, and have daily Eucharist and the Offices as part of your practise. Apart from the liturgy being the prayer of the Church, orthopraxy (which has sustained the Abrahamic faiths since long before Jesus walked the earth) is possible regardless of our feelings, even if we are only 'going through the motions' much of the time. You clearly are a very imaginative sort, and focusing on the liturgy may help to keep you from dreams of martyrdom, sleeping on the floor, dancing in a flowing habit, and so forth. This intense imagination and romanticism may lessen by the time you are old enough to consider application to a congregation. It may be an excellent idea to obtain your theology degree first - I found the studies for my own divinity degree (though I did it in my 50s, many years after I recognised my call to consecrated life) to be very enriching, not only intellectually but in my prayer.

Blessings.

[Feankie]

Well, my  antennas are in the "up" position on this one.