Reluctant priests

[Antonella]

I don't know if this is unusual or not but almost everytime I say to a priest that I am interested in religious life they either say I don't have a vocation or that if I knew how life really is in a Convent I wouldn't be interested. One time I mentioned in Confession that I want to go visit a Convent and the priest spend 5 minutes telling me how bad Community life is.

What bothers me is not the fact that they say I don't belong in a Convent. It's the fact that most of the time they don't even know me that well. The first thing they ask is not why do I want to enter, but if I know how heard this life is. Or they talk to me for 15 minutes and they just bluntly tell me I don't have a vocation to religious life. One priest asked me in a sarcastic tone if I think that every sister in a Community is a saint. Can it be so obvious that one doesn't have a vocation?

I stayed with the Community I am interested in for a month and the VD was encouraging.  She told me I can enter if I want, and I did felt at home there.  If it was so clearly for the priests that I lack a vocation wouldn't it also be clear for the VD? Could she have said that I can enter if she thinks I don't have a vocation?

I am confused (to say the least) but also angry. Maybe they are right. I lack the vocation. Ok. But the way the speak about religious life and the fact that they think I want to enter a Convent only because I have this romantic idea of what Convent life is it's infuriating. 

 

Edited September 11, 2018 by Antonella

[Fr. Antony Maria OSB]

First of all, I am very sorry that this has been your experience with priests: that does seem like a very odd reaction to have.

As a Benedictine myself, one of the first things that came to my mind was what St. Benedict says in Chapter 58 of his Rule, "Do not grant newcomers to the monastic life an easy entry, but as the Apostle says, 'Test the spirits to see if they are from God,' (1 John 4:1)," (Rule of St. Benedict 58:1-2). However, after repeatedly requesting entry, the person seeking entrance to the monastery should be allowed entrance to test the life: "Therefore, if someone comes and keeps knocking at the door, and if at the end of four or five days he has shown himself patient in bearing his harsh treatment and difficulty of entry, and has persisted in his request, then he should be allowed to enter and stay in the guest quarters for a few days. After that, he should live in the novitiate, where the novices study, eat, and sleep," (Rule 58:3-5). 

Now, it seems as though you already had an experience like this with the Vocation Director of the community you visited. You said that you stayed there for a month and that the Vocation Director was encouraging: what happened there? Are you still in contact with that community? If so, I would encourage you to still seek entry into that community.

Perhaps what the priests were trying to convey to you is that community life isn't easy. From experience I can tell you that it is not easy, but it's not supposed to be, either. As one of the Sayings of the Desert Fathers relates, community life is like a bag of jagged rocks that is shaken. All of the rocks smash into each other, causing the jagged edges to fly off in all directions, until eventually all that remains are rocks smoothed by all of the impacts. That is community life in a nutshell, and it's a lifelong process of conversion. It's painful at times, and uncomfortable quite a bit, but it is most definitely worth it. If you still feel called to pursue religious life, even after these negative encounters, I would say continue on.

[KyleDeWolf1985]

Everyone has a vocation -- but not everyone has the same vocation.  Don't be afraid to check out Third Orders if you don't feel that community life is right for you.

[Sister Leticia]

If I have understood correctly...

You feel called to religious life, and have been in contact with a specific community, for X number of months/years. You presumably have been in regular contact with the VD, as you have been discerning whether God might be calling you there. This will have enabled the VD to get to know you at some depth.

A VD is by no means perfect or omniscient, but let's assume this one is discerning, sensible and prudent. She knows her congregation and its charism, mission, lifestyle "from the inside", and can have a gut feeling at least about whether an enquirer might be called to the congregation, which is then clarified through further meetings and discernment. Let's assume her community trusts her to do this, and to be discerning about who she encourages, and who she might suggest alternatives to.

You have spent a month living with this community, and say it went well and that the VD is making encouraging noises. (Was that visit recent? What has happened since then? Is the ball now in your court to begin the application process?)

So... you feel OK after your live-in, you feel at home, the VD has encouraged you to apply, she's a sensible woman...

So why are you now consulting various priests, who don't know you at all well, and - if they're diocesan - don't really know religious life/community, except "from the outside"? And why is their discouragement over-riding the encouragement you received from the VD?

Are they saying off-putting things about religious life/community in general, or about the congregation you're discerning with in particular? If the latter, then clearly you do need to listen to their concerns, but if the former, it might just be their assumptions about religious life, and about you. For example, they might experience you as being strong-willed or very independent, and think you're "too stubborn" for obedience and community, so you need to be warned off. Or maybe you've just sounded very eager and starry-eyed, and again, they feel they need to warn you. 

(I would add that parish/religious priests aren't always going to encourage a woman considering religious life - and at times, this is more to do with their preconceptions and views than with the woman they are discouraging)

But another question: Reading what you've written, it sounds to me as though you're prepared to trust their judgement in this matter over the VD. Why? Is this because, deep down, you're feeling anxious or fearful or have doubts about entering? Maybe you need to discuss these fears/doubts - preferably with someone impartial, who can help you come to a place of peace. And, of course, you need to pray - but not focus your prayer on the fears, or they might overshadow your focus on Jesus. 

Blessings on your journey!

[Antonella]

@Sister Leticia Thank you for your spot on reply. Your insightful questions are helping me already. I talked to those priests during my search for a Spiritual Director, before and after my live-in. It's just confusing to hear the VD say I can apply and then have priests tell me I don't have a vocation.  But you are right. I should listen to the VD not to priests who don't know me very well.