A true religious vocation?

[Pete86]

Hi my name is Pete...nickname. I have been looking at this website for some time. I decided to write as I need some advice. I first felt a call to religious life at 20. I was not expecting this throught in my mind...be a nun. I hated the thought and it came at a time when I liked two guys.  I tried to forget the thought but it persisted. I became more and more depressed and was hospitalized when I started to have suicidal thoughts. I was diagnosed with ocd. I went on medication and I seemed to do better. I was afraid so afraid of this vocation so I went away from the Catholic Church for about 8 years. I had 2 good relationships in my 20s but still the thought about being a nun persisted. After my last relationship, I looked about into having a religious vocation again. I became obsessed with the thought. I went back to the Catholic Church but was afraid of my vocation. Earlier this year, I tried to date someone again but it didn’t feel right. I had so much anxiety. I thought well I should do the nun thing. I decided I was going to try to visit at a Benedictine community.i felt happy really happy because I felt at peace.  I have felt called to be a carmelite for the last 2 years...this scares me too because I don’t want to be called to a prison. I went to visit the sisters in North Dakota but here is the thing I slept with my ex boyfriend who was not good for me on the way there. I felt sad in the convent. The sisters were wonderful but I hated all the praying. I am not someone who loves prayer. Right before I went to visit the convent I was almost too happy. I became obsessed with figuring out if God was real...I came to realize I have major doubts about my beliefs. I left North Dakota after 10days because I felt alone and afraid. I missed my family. I drove all the way home. When I got home I visited a carmelite convent and the priestess told me I should not join because I have ocd... and it would be too hard. I decided to move home for now. My depression was really bad. I was hospitalized again and my medication changed. My therapist said I still have ocd. The thing is here I am and all I thought about is being a Carmelita nun. I wish I could fall in love with someone with this thought but it’s not going away. I am going to get cognitive behavioural therapy but I don’t know if this deep desire to be a nun will ever leave. I don’t know what to do about my faith. I am 32 and I feel lost...my advice would be great. Thank you.

[NadaTeTurbe]

From what you say, you don't seem stable enough to think clearly about your religious vocation. Try to focus in living in chastity and establishing healthy relationships with the people around you, having a regular prayer life (Sunday Mass, some kind of scripture reading/silent prayer every day and maybe journaling to keep tracks of your thoughts ?), get involved in your local parish or a religious movement (like a charity or something like this) if you're not and feel like it, and focus in your CBT/therapy (can you find a support group ?). There's no need to rush right now, you're not in a place to think clearly about this very complex question. My thoughts are with you.

[shieldmaiden19]

Thank you for sharing this, Pete. It seems you are going through a very difficult time, and I think it is very important for you to remember that whatever vocation God has given you, whether it is a vocation to marriage or to any form of consecrated life, your response to the call can only be rooted in your love for God and a desire to please Him. At this time in your life I think it is essential that you focus simply on becoming more accepting of and familiar with God and His love for you. If only you approach Him with an open heart, God in His mercy will reveal your vocation to you at the proper time, and you will be given the grace to accept it if only you ask. And whatever may come, you will be in my prayers.

[MaryBethany]

You seem to be in a rough situation. I imagine you must feel anxious and confused. I'll be praying for you! God will show you the right way on His time if you keep trusting Him. If you're struggling with your faith, maybe you could think about what would make you feel more certain or better about it. Do you have specific doubts that you need to be resolved in order to restore your faith? Or do you need more experience in prayer? Whatever it is, pray that God will strengthen your faith. I've felt the way you're feeling too, and prayer is the best medicine in my experience. Good luck to you!

[JHFamily]

If you are struggling with OCD, that can easily carry over into the spiritual life.  It's pretty common.  The OCD could be part of your fixation on the Carmelites, not a true vocation.  You need a therapist to help you with the OCD and a spiritual director who can help you with your spiritual life and bring some of those anxieties under control as well.  He will also help you make a spiritual plan for your life that will help lead you to where God wants you.  Many prayers...

[gloriana35]

I agree with the others' comments. Certainly, those who feel called to religious life may struggle, even try to forget, but I cannot imagine someone could enter the Carmelites when she is terrified that she is being forced, by divine will, into a prison - and hates the thought of praying. Treatment for your medical condition, and spiritual direction, should help you see things more clearly. This does not seem to be a time you should  be making any major life decisions, because you seem to be in an exceedingly agitated, confused state. 

[InHisLove]

I can see your struggle.  The most important in religious vocation or any vocation discernment is to focus on God first.  Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness.  And all these things shall be added unto you....

Discernment about God's requires a time with God for a period of time.  We make use of everything that a good Catholic can practice especially availing of the sacraments:. Confession, Mass, Eucharist... Apart from the sacraments, a daily time of prayer, spiritual reading, rosaries, mediation, adoration must be included in your schedule.  If possible, seek a spiritual direction/priest so that you have another person who knows what you have been going through.  Having holy priest or spiritual director helps you also focused on understanding where you are called: religious vocation, marriage or consecrated life.  Close yourself with dating another guy if you want to "date" God (discerning a religious life for me is trying to date Jesus if Jesus and you are compatible living starting here on earth which means your heart belongs to Jesus and if there's a cute, handsome guy in front of you, you will not be interested since you are still discerning about a life with Jesus and for Jesus and the church.  Since I started discerning, my focus really has become more into knowing about Jesus, Mary and the church, which in reality are more interesting than the vanities of this world.  Everything will pass away except the love of God for all of us.  I'm pretty sure God wants all of us in a different ways.  He knows our weakness and we just have to surrender to Him.  He is our Creator and He knows when we truly seek to love and serve Him.  In all things considered, focus... focus... on true love that comes from God.  Others are temporary.. The more we deny ourselves of the pleasures and vanities of this world  the more meaning we see about life and our God who is full of mercy and of love.

Make a pilgrimage to holy sites if you can or some silent retreats or Ignatian retreats to help you listen to God in holy places or quiet places with guided spiritual direction or some format.  Who knows, healing might follow or something unexpected that the Lord is offering to you: an unselfish dedication of everything that you are leads to lesser anxieties.  All vocations are called to holiness.

Prayers for you.  Pray for me too...

God be praised.

[28yrolddiscerner]

You must love prayer to be a religious.  That’s what it’s all about , you and God.

Edited September 14, 2018 by 28yrolddiscerner