Fidelity to Christ and a time for Mercy and Martyrs

[Indwelling Trinity]

My friends many of you know me. For many reasons my posts always tend to be on the more serious side. 

Because of my sickness I have not always been up to date on what has been going on with my sisters whom I have loved so much both in the Missionaries of Charity and my sisters in the Hermits of Saint Mary of Carmel to which I am Associated. 

Today has been a day of many questions and answers. In an earlier post today, I stated that this is a time of Martyrs it is also a time of mercy and at time when God will raise up great saints...

In an online contact I have learned that 4 Missionary of Charity Sisters were martyred in Yemen LAST month by    ISIS  members in Yemen. The sisters were dragged out from their home for the homeless and shoot in the head. Their skulls were then crushed completely even though other Muslims begged fire them not to be harmed. Only the Superior managed to escape. One of them was a close friend of mine.

I remember in my second year novitiate we had to break down a wall and place a steel supporting beam so the roof would not cave  in so there wwas about a 12" drop of steel that needed to be  plastered in over and painted with gesso. 

I had a very holy  second year novice mistress who was always challenging us by word and deed to fulfill Mothers promise to give Saints to Mother Church; but Sister Sylvia took it a step further and had an English sister who was also an artist and symphonic musician paint the words "I will give Martyrs to Mother Church."  How right she was. This was in 1976. Sister Sylvia herself was killed on the road to visit one of our north American houses that was having difficulties weather was bad the car went out of control sister went through the dashboard the Last word on her lips "JESUS. " She was also the first sister to open a house in a communist country. As I too was sent to that house, martyrdom seemed like a very possible reality but there  was no fear as we were aware of this possibility just by the fact of being missionaries. 

I also found out today that Mother Rosemarie the foundress of the Hermits died this last December after battling cervical cancer which had metastatisized and also battled with the severest form of Scleroderma for nearly 14 years. She fought it until she knew her sisters were fully formed to withstand the difficult times ahead.  She was my spiritual guide in Carmelite Spirituality for many years. I asked her to help me become fire so that all that was not of God woul be burnt away like dross and all that would remain I is a heart burning with the love of God and souls especially priests and religious in crisis and vocations.  

All my life I have literally been surrounded by saints living with them sitting at their feet listening and learning  and I think How wonderfully God had blessed me to learn from them even in the most poor and rejected I was given the grace o  see and be touched by their sanctity. 

But I have a fatal flaw.  I can see and nurture goodness in almost everyone but myself. For all the studies in medicine, clinical psychology and theology, I have not been able to break through to see any goodness in myself. Since my MS became progressive it has become worse. As I am judged as being lazy, using the system etc.. It brings back to many dark childhood abuse memories, none sexual Thank God . Perhaps that  is my true cross. 

I ask you to rejoice with me that all of  these sisters are now with Jesus enjoying the beatific vision of  The merciful and just. 

Please pray for me that if God wills it I may be healed if only long enough to complete what God wishes of me. 

Any input that would give me better insight would be greatly appreciated. What little I do see is because of a dear friend on phatmass who had the love  to make me look at this and I thank her. 

Lovingly, 

Indwelling Trinity

[Antigonos]

I think you sell yourself short, Sister Emmanuel.  It is always very easy to see, especially in hindsight, how much more we could do.  In fact, when I was the only one in my nursing class who chose midwifery, some of my colleagues jestingly asked me why I chose a specialty "where no one was ill" [which of course, isn't true].  But by then I had learned, about myself, that I'd burn out fast if I worked with the really ill, because at the end of every shift I'd castigate myself for not having done more, even while I knew objectively that in the particular instance which distressed me, there wasn't any way to do any more than I had.

We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than others judge us, IMHO.

[andibc]

I sent you a private message.

[Indwelling Trinity]

15 hours ago, Antigonos said:

I think you sell yourself short, Sister Emmanuel.  It is always very easy to see, especially in hindsight, how much more we could do.  In fact, when I was the only one in my nursing class who chose midwifery, some of my colleagues jestingly asked me why I chose a specialty "where no one was ill" [which of course, isn't true].  But by then I had learned, about myself, that I'd burn out fast if I worked with the really ill, because at the end of every shift I'd castigate myself for not having done more, even while I knew objectively that in the particular instance which distressed me, there wasn't any way to do any more than I had.

We tend to judge ourselves much more harshly than others judge us, IMHO.

Thank you my friend you hit the nail on the head but sometimes the hardest thing to do is to move 13",from  the mind to the heart. 

For years I berated myself for being a sprinter rather than a long distance runner. I would put my whole body and soul into things only to wind up in bed exhausted. 

I hated the morning bell at 4:30 A. M.  as I dragged myself out of bed still exhausted.. Symptoms would come and go in no particular pattern. 

Fevers at night to many  things. I thought I was lazy, a hypochondriac, doctors telling me I was malingering, needed a psychiatrist as there was nothing wrong, looking for attention. I always looked healthy on the outside Even Mother herself was not sure one day when she was leaving Rome while giving me a blessing she said what am I going to do with you? She saw the tears in  my eyes then a is don't worry and smiled the next day I was admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks with double  Pneumonia. Every time it was something different and nobody could connect the dots for over 25 years. 

How I Bless those who taught me and who had patience with me but for the life of me I don't know how to walk those last 13"inches for myself. 

I think maybe this I is the last test of Divine Mercy. If I can really completely let go and without any hesitation say, " Jesus I trust I in you!" 

Thank you Antigonos! RIGHT NOW I AM DESPERATELY IN NEED. I need Simmons of Cyrene's  to help me.

My family is against anything catholic and think now salvation is automatic. Pray for them. Let us all lift up our loved ones in the tender embrace of prayer. 

IndwellingTrinity 

 

[Antigonos]

Have you ever seen the film "The Nun's Story"?  In her welcoming speech to a group of new postulants, the Mother Superior tells them that "religious life is made up of an infinity of small things.". And that "it must be lived not day by day, but minute by minute".  In Hebrew we say "Ha-kol over, habibi" which translates roughly as "This too will pass, kid".

The author Kurt Vonnegut, in "Slaughterhouse Five", wrote about some imaginary beings from outer space who believed life was like a onion, composed of many layers.  When someone died, they would say "So it goes", and not feel sad, because, while the one who had died might not be in a very good "layer" right now, he'd had lots of other layers that had been very good indeed.  Right now you may not be in such a good "layer",but the next one might be a lot better, just a lot were in the past.

Hang in there.

[Guest]

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Indwelling Trinity said: Thank you Antigonos! RIGHT NOW I AM DESPERATELY IN NEED. I need Simmons of Cyrene's  to help me.

My family is against anything catholic and think now salvation is automatic. Pray for them. Let us all lift up our loved ones in the tender embrace of prayer.