Friendship Standards

[tinytherese]

I know that people talk about friends being there for each other and supporting each other, but what are the limits to that? When does it become codependant? What's the difference between a friend and a therapist?

I've heard that people who overshare sometimes disturb their friends to a point where their friends need therapy to recover from all the horrible things that they were told. I've been in a friendship where so much time was spent listening to her complain about her life and then asking me what to do. There wasn't much that I could say to her because I didn't know how to solve her problems. I became so engrossed in her problems in the past because of how much I cared about her that I could think of little else. 

I have problems that not everyone knows how to respond to appropriately anyway. What do you share let alone talk in depth about with friends? I've got depression, autism, and certain events in my life that I haven't healed from yet which involve sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from my dad, the horrible responses from certain relatives from that situation, and my dysfunctional relationship with my mom that doesn't involve the abuse.  I definitely don't want to get blamed, punished, or have what I went through be minimized by a friend or anyone else. I've gotten some of those reactions from friends, a campus minister, and a nun whose community I was considering joining years ago. There are stigmas for those who are mentally ill and those on the autism spectrum. 

How much time is too much time with a friend? I know that if it gets in the way of other responsibilities, that time with them needs to be shortened, but I'm afraid of overstaying my welcome.

Movies and t.v. shows often portray friends as doing just about everything together and are attached at the hip. Most people I know don't have friendships like that. So what's considered normal? Even with technology today, people still struggle with keeping in contact with friends. How frequently is contacting each other appropriate? It's not like I'm dating them.

Also, a lot of people are known to abandon their friends when they get married or have kids.  I'm single, so that leaves me as the third wheel or what have you. I've had friends abandon me unexpectedly before we were old enough to even go on to those milestones. 

[GreenScapularedHuman]

5 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

I know that people talk about friends being there for each other and supporting each other, but what are the limits to that? When does it become codependant? What's the difference between a friend and a therapist?

No friend is a therapist. That isn't the purpose of friendship. To be more pointed unless you are a therapist as well you are venturing into areas you are not so very qualified to handle. Aside from 'mental health first aid', which should include referring someone to receive the proper help they might need or benefit from.

8 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

I've heard that people who overshare sometimes disturb their friends to a point where their friends need therapy to recover from all the horrible things that they were told. I've been in a friendship where so much time was spent listening to her complain about her life and then asking me what to do. There wasn't much that I could say to her because I didn't know how to solve her problems. I became so engrossed in her problems in the past because of how much I cared about her that I could think of little else.

Not making a diagnoses, but that sounds to me a little bit like hyper-responsibility from you. It is not your responsibility nor does it make you any less of a decent person/friend for admitting its not your responsibility.

9 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

I have problems that not everyone knows how to respond to appropriately anyway. What do you share let alone talk in depth about with friends? I've got depression, autism, and certain events in my life that I haven't healed from yet which involve sexual, physical, and emotional abuse from my dad, the horrible responses from certain relatives from that situation, and my dysfunctional relationship with my mom that doesn't involve the abuse.  I definitely don't want to get blamed, punished, or have what I went through be minimized by a friend or anyone else. I've gotten some of those reactions from friends, a campus minister, and a nun whose community I was considering joining years ago. There are stigmas for those who are mentally ill and those on the autism spectrum.

I am not sure if I know how to answer this... if I were to guess I would say if you find someone who wants to listen and be a comfort, then do so respectfully with consideration to them. But in my humble experience friends, even lovers, who will let you lean on them are very rare.

The best advise on avoiding bias/stigma related to mental health matters is to avoid mentioning it where ever possible. If someone has no significant and urgent need to know...

15 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

How much time is too much time with a friend? I know that if it gets in the way of other responsibilities, that time with them needs to be shortened, but I'm afraid of overstaying my welcome.

That is best determined between your friend and you. Just politely but forwardly ask. Explain your concerns and that you want to try to avoid that from happening.

17 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

Movies and t.v. shows often portray friends as doing just about everything together and are attached at the hip. Most people I know don't have friendships like that. So what's considered normal? Even with technology today, people still struggle with keeping in contact with friends. How frequently is contacting each other appropriate? It's not like I'm dating them.

I have had some very good and close friends over the years who we were attached at the hip so to speak...

But most acquaintanceships, friendships, even relationships are not like that.

What is normal or appropriate for contact? Might sound not so helpful but I again would say just ask.

Right now I have a dear close friend who she welcomes and wants messages any time of day, shes very okay with it, though she rarely wakes up to just a few messages, and if she does shes typically very friendly even still. On the other hand another dear close friend she doesn't rest well at all and doesn't like feeling like shes ignoring people so she doesn't like people messaging her when shes not easily available.

But for most people messaging during the hours people are normally awake and easily available is polite.

22 minutes ago, tinytherese said:

Also, a lot of people are known to abandon their friends when they get married or have kids.  I'm single, so that leaves me as the third wheel or what have you. I've had friends abandon me unexpectedly before we were old enough to even go on to those milestones. 

People can be very immature, unstable, unreliable, shallow, and cruel. Not that this is who they are necessarily as people but they can be that way.

There are plenty of people in the world. I would offer the thought of finding online and offline communities/friends.

But people who hurt and/or abandon you... it very likely has very little to do about you and has a lot more to do about them.

[CatherineM]

The only friend I’m attached to like that is my best friend, my husband. 

[Anomaly]

@tinytherese.  

You set your own standards for friends. 

You know yourself more intimately then others can and will recognize when the relationship is damaging to yourself.   You are never obligated to a relationship that is damaging. 

I’m old enough to have gone through many friendships.  Some end, fade away, or change over the decades.   Try to not take it personally when they end.  We all have different personalities and have different emotions and perspectives about relationships at any given time.

I’ve been married for more than 35 years.  My relationship with my wife has evolved and changes in some aspects, weekly.   We have friend relationships that old as well.  They change too as life happens.   There are always new people to befriend, occasionally old friendships to rekindle, and rarely, relationships that have weathered the decades. 

You are the best person to answer your question.  I wish you peace and happiness. 

[little2add]