Feeling called, but not qualified?

[Kayte Postle]

We all know the saying, "God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called".  I've been meditating on this for some time in relation to my discernment. I've been discerning about five years now, on and off. I honestly truly feel like I knew the order, however because of medical reasons I cannot discern with that community. I've thought "oh well God is calling me somewhere else", but each door has been closing with each community I inquire to. It's gotten to the point where I gave up completely and decided to stop discerning for good.  However, all those feelings, all those nudgings, all that peace and sureness about my vocation will not go away. This has happened before, when I've "taken a break" from discerning to focus on other things in life. The peace doesn't go away, even though on paper it seems like I am most assuredly not called to be a sister. Like clockwork I will stop discerning a vocation to religious life, set my eyes on marriage or single life, and then I (hate to say this) start falling into serious sin. It's something my SD/confessor and I are working on, but even the thought of being a sister just makes me better period.

I know this has been a jumbled post, and I'm looking for prayers, advice, or feedback. I'm actively talking with the people in my life about my discernment. However it feels like it's been so all over the place that, (with the exception of my SD and a sister friend) most of this information and thought goes in one ear and out the other. I feel like a flake, I feel like a fake. But the Lord is still calling. How can this be?

Thanks in advance for replying, and thank you all for being such a wonderful community.

[beatitude]

Following your vocation won't make you perfect overnight...but it will make it easier for you to live up to your better self. This is because what's best in that way of life resonates with what's best in you. If just the idea of being  a sister makes you feel more at home in yourself, that's a pretty good indication that you need to persevere in your search.

I will pray for you. I think you will get better advice from your spiritual director than anything we can give, as they know the specifics of your situation. However, I will suggest this: make sure you are always honest with yourself. When we think that we're incapable of doing something, or when we're a bit frightened of doing something, it gets easy to sabotage ourselves, to make sure we can't do it. Is there a possibility that this is happening in your case?

I have a disability that affects the coordination in my hands, and I am a candidate with a congregation that lives by manual work - cleaning, factory labour, that kind of thing. For a long time I thought this precluded me from their life (and so did they). But as we got to know one  another better, and we saw how my own spirituality matches and is nurtured by theirs, they offered to let me live in so that we could discover a way forward together. The suggestion made me so happy (I was moved almost to tears) but at the same time quite nervous. I'm in a job that suits me and I'm used to being seen as a capable person. How would it feel to be bad at so many of the things the sisters do? It puts me in a vulnerable position. But this is an invitation to trust in God. "His power is made perfect in weakness." Letting go of worries about your apparent lack of qualifications really just means holding our your hands to God, so that he can give you what you need.

[John Paul]

18 hours ago, Kayte Postle said:

and I'm looking for prayers,

I promise to pray for you.

[Kayte Postle]

On ‎4‎/‎1‎/‎2018 at 7:47 AM, beatitude said:

When we think that we're incapable of doing something, or when we're a bit frightened of doing something, it gets easy to sabotage ourselves, to make sure we can't do it. Is there a possibility that this is happening in your case?

This particular thought struck me really hard. There is a great chance that this is what is happening in my case. I was talking about this very idea of self sabotage with my therapist the last time I saw them. I'll send you a pm with the specifics of why it's such a good thought.

[28yrolddiscerner]

I’m praying for you! I have a medical problem too and am discerning.  I think you should keep trying to work with your SD on the sin (not that I’m any better).  Even if you’re not a sister, you could still be a saint.  Just like St. Gemma Galgani wanted to be a sister but could not, became a great saint!  Maybe try imagining yourself as a saint, and most importantly t r u s t in Jesus! If He wants you to be a Sister what can stop Him?

God bless you

[Kayte Postle]

Thank you for your words @28yrolddiscerner! It's such an encouragement.