Broken spirit

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Does anyone else feel like they will never find the peace, faith, hope, love and joy they once had in Christ?

My problem is sin and I hate it, I didn't used to sin so much. Christ says "he that hates his life will gain it but he who loves his life will loose it."

I think I'm hanging on to tight to life and what I think, and it is driving me to get what I can out of pleasure while I'm here. And I guess Jesus is saying to hate sin or you can't change, problem is I had changed but it was more like being born again and was protected in a crib and now I'm out of the crib I'm being called to make the conscious choice to not sin. It just seems hard to me that I have to learn this lesson in my 30s instead of teens, its like I missed growing up, and I fear running out of time and saint Paul says to run the race for victory, to change, to become perfect, to be holy.

Has anyone else experienced this and got through it or going through it, or has this dog just returned back to its own vomit? Either way I need to change because sin is killing my relationship with god and the church, it is making me lazy spiritually in seeking the things of heaven.

St john of the cross pray for us.

 

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Unsure why my phone keeps double posting.

I've never been able to do life right, no work, wife or kids. When I met Jesus it was great for 5 or 6 years and now I just feel like I'm in the same boat as before different captain for 9yrs, though I have the odd period here and there where it seems where pulling up to shore but it never happens. I don't really want to numb my conscience and accept sin as a normal part of a Christians life bacauae I experienced time without it.

[Anomaly]

Tab, 

I think that maybe you shouldn’t be so hard an yourself.  

From a practical perspective, work on doing small acts of kindness and charity for others.  Doing for others is ultimately what it’s about.  It’s not wether Tab has a wife or job, but whether he acted kindly or did something nice for another without preaching or hoping others notice.  You’re going to feel much better about life and yourself when you can just be kind to another.   You will never know what small acts of kindness may have huge impact on another.  

You will also find and recognize that you’re a lot kinder and good person than you’ve thought or given yourself credit for.  It will take time, just like filling a bucket with a spoon.  I wish you well.  

[linate]

i also fear you fear pleasure in a puritanical kind of way. christians arent called to be puritans. there is a healthy respect to be had regarding sins of pleasure, but i wouldn' work yourself into a guilt trip just for being human.

 

 

"i dont deserve this love you gave to me"

Edited February 23, 2018 by linate

[Luigi]

"It's like I missed growing up."                             This line jumped out at me.

Children of dysfunctional parents often DO miss growing up - their bodies continue to grow, of course, but their emotional development can get stunted. [Disclaimers all over the place - it doesn't always  happen, it doesn't necessarily happen 100% when it does happen, some children do escape rather unscathed.] But parents who are violent, or perfectionists, or addicts, or lots of other stuff can have seriously deleterious impacts on their children, especially on the children's emotional development.

And the children of dysfunctional people tend to grow up to be dysfunctional themselves, because that's what was modeled to them.

If a child has a father who is, let's say alcoholic, who loses his temper frequently, who beats the child when he's lost his temper, the kid won't like it - not at all. But the devil that you know is better than the devil that you don't know; in this case, it might be the only devil the child knows. And so the child grows up drinking ("Dad always said, 'You can't trust a man who won't drink with you!'"), losing his temper (when the liquor won't calm  him down fast enough), and beating people that tick him off.

When a person is dependent on - addicted to - alcohol, or violence, or temper (usually in an attempt to control the world around him, which he considers threatening), his emotional development stops. He confronts some challenge but he feels inadequate to address/resolve the challenge; so he shouts it down, or he beats it, or he drinks to escape from it. A person who is not addicted will face the same challenge, stop and think, talk to other people about how best to solve it, persevere through the difficulty... whatever! But in the process of solving the problem, the non-addict matures; he learns new skills, he begins to feel competent to resolve challenges, he figures out how to negotiate with other people, and so forth. The dysfunctional person runs from his challenge to his crutch and doesn't mature - the non-dysfunctional person matures through facing the challenge. 

A child who lives with a dysfunctional parent also shuts down - he'll learn to do whatever he has to do in order to avoid being beaten, berated, blamed, etc. He doesn't get any guidance from the dysfunctional parents ("Can we talk about X?" "NO! Lea' me alone!"), he doesn't understand what's happening, he doesn't have any sounding-board person who can explain it, he's trying to figure it out on his own but he's just a kid!  

All of this relates to the thread about "real mean" being a dying species. If a person was raised by dysfunctional people like that, and finds himself acting in  dysfunctional ways, he may not even recognize it until he's in his 30's. At that point, you're out from under the dysfunctional influences, but emotionally you're a 12-year-old-boy (or however old you were when the dysfunction began in earnest) in a 30-year-old body, looking like an adult but acting like a kid. The only thing to do is start developing those virtues that define "real men" and "real women" - non-dysfunctional adults. That's not easy to do, but you can do it.

So I guess what I'm asking is: Were either of your parents dysfunctional? And did they pass that dysfunction along to you?

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

<shrugs> I honestly don't think blaming my dysfunctional parents will grant me back my self control.

And linate our lady of Fatima said the most common reason people go to hell is sexual sin, even put hell aside I get far more pleasure from faith, hope, love and peace then anything else I've experienced, I know the truth about virtue so down trading to the lie of sin becomes almost blasphemous. I don't beat myself up though but I do feel like a total deviant, and a looser trading the real deal for a fake. 

My sin life has always dealt me lemons, only by the grace of God in the times that I haven't been sinning that I felt like I was getting somewhere worthwhile but the sneaky thing is every time I get to those scrumptious heights of peace and love the darn magic carpet gets stolen from under me and I come crashing down and that thief usually is sexual vice, alcohol and marijuana.

 

Everyone gets this no! There are actual Christians that have defeated with the grace of god and faith all vices that cause them discomfort/separation from peace and love. I have to believe this because if I don't then what's the difference between being a christian and a non christian, I need fruits of virtue not sin, I thirst like a mad man and if I'm not praying enough, reading spiritual stuff, talking with other believers, I turn to my crutches, SIN or idols. 

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Only Jesus quenches my thirst, sin,drugs and alcohol leave me wanting, Jesus gives me peace. I know what is good for me so why do I do wrong. Its stupid, I'm actually an idiot, or just a plain old fool, I don't like the sound of either.

And I can guarentee hell ain't fun, coz I have experienced the terror of what I would call hell once or twice from a dehydrated brain. Bet hell is 100 times worse.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[Luigi]

I'm not saying "Blame your dysfunctional parents." I'm saying, "Figure out the root of the problem, and then deal with that." If you know what the problem is - your motivations for doing something - then you have at least a prayer of figuring out how to address it. 

YOu could also talk to a priest or something. 

 

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

No I do appreciate the fellowship in the spirit Luigi. And the root is a dysfunctional family which requires me to cut them off. Let the dead bury the dead, cut your right hand off if it causes you despair. I guess I'm addicted to the pain they cause me out of love and the hope I can get them both into a church, my dad started going to the salvation army for a couple of years but then dropped out and I manage to get my mum to come along to mass Christmas, easter and Ashe Wednesday but didn't this year or Christmas last year and she may or may not still pray, but if I keep falling into shame and despair over them it impedes my mission to others due to my need to drink and drug over the nerves of them winding up in eternal damnation which I shouldn't have because its there life and there choice and ultimately the feelings and thoughts are in my body and therefore I'm taught are my responsibility and I need to learn to trust Jesus more, pray, do my rosary, go to mass and read holy scripture, because it is through these I meet my one true friend and family Jesus Christ halfway and then he does the rest, when I'm doing these things for my family they and I simmer down but if I don't chaos reigns.

Answering my own question. Lol. 

My grandma started to have the host delivered to her on Sundays the last 3 years and died a month ago.

But I bought up this topic to see if others have been or are going through the torment of sin and as a consequence of that sin having there life in the spirit of prayer, charity and seeking virtue attacked vigorously most days.

[GreenScapularedHuman]

@Tab'le De'Bah-Rye I mean this with all respect, sensitivity, and compassion but your affect and speech makes me suspect that you are dealing with some mental health matters... I strongly encourage you to seek a medical opinion about that because psycho-medication, psycho-education, and psycho-therapy certainly can help.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

1 hour ago, GreenScapularedHuman said:

@Tab'le De'Bah-Rye I mean this with all respect, sensitivity, and compassion but your affect and speech makes me suspect that you are dealing with some mental health matters... I strongly encourage you to seek a medical opinion about that because psycho-medication, psycho-education, and psycho-therapy certainly can help.

Yeah I'm on meds for drug and alcohol psychosis and supposedly pschizo affective disorder and am on a minimum dose as long as I'm around like minded believers with an all for Jesus attitude and I do daily rosary,scripture and regular mass and sacraments. I dont have any regular fellowship in the spirit of god face to face at present. I have a broken heart that breaks time and time again hoping in this world, when I will learn my lesson I know not, to be in the world but not of it, everytime I let myself get pushed over the edge by others I turn back to old coping mechanisms of drugs and alcohol before conversion, defeat the drugs and alcohol in time with the grace of god and weapons of heaven and then get trusting again of people and dare to hope in them instead of wholly in Christ and get bitterly dissapointed every time. Perhaps this is part of other Christians journey into the fullness of life in the spirit and I was just enquiring as to anyone else's experience of a raging storm that is relentless over consecutive years. I feel like bloomin king david and job half the time. I know what scripture says about perseverance in sufferings and persecution, but it would be nice to dialogue with those that are going through it or have been through it. Mother Teresa of Calcutta supposedly had 20 odd years void of gods presence, I'm like a broken fluorescent light on the blink. And I believe in my case green scapular this is more of a spiritual battle for me then a chemical imbalance that I have been in due to pts which started after an incident at home when I was 13 which had me no longer trusting my family home and sneaking out at night and being there as little as possible, instead smoking dope and dabling in the dark arts, mojo and magic. This is real demons, real terror not a chemical imbalance and every time I venture back into drugs and alcohol the enemy gets a foot hold again in my mind. You will find recent studies by some group in the states that 83% of serious mentally Ill people that required hospilisation had dabled with Ouija. Check it out in a segment by Michael Voris on 'ouija' or it had the title of dark arts. My bet is most with supposed mental illness are under demonic attack and have allowed the demons power by getting into any of the several dark arts or Ouija. Lol not saying mother Teresa dabled but perhaps anyone here has and come out from the darkness a brilliant white, whether having dabled in the dark arts or not, or are still under attack.

And think I'm jumping erratically from point to point all you want but I'm just trying to give the full picture.

If there are any here that have been through or are going through I just thought we could mentor each other a bit.

Edited February 24, 2018 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[GreenScapularedHuman]

@Tab'le De'Bah-Rye What I notice specifically is depression, anxiety, stress, limited emotions, diminished pleasure/interest in life, some (hopefully mild) thought disorders (like racing thoughts), and pressured/circumstantial speech sometimes bordering on tangential... I am not a psychiatrist and even if I was I don't want to tell you anything that would even give the impression I am trying to diagnose you.

But based on what I see the diagnoses of schizoaffective disorder makes some sense... Despite skepticism about mental health care and want to reform it I do very strongly support it. I think you should talk to your mental health caregivers about your symptoms and see about getting your dosages increased and/or changed.

I strongly suspect that once you are receiving better/more psycho-medication, psycho-education, and psycho-therapy that this sense of 'brokenness' will abate and perhaps start to vanish all together. I would encourage you to start your psycho-education now focusing on how there is nothing 'wrong' about having mental health matters even if they be 'schizoaffective'... society at-large is becoming more tolerant and understanding of these matters... so should you. It is a health matter like any other and it should be to you and society no different than having a heart complication... perhaps even more merciful than that because those with mental health I believe are deserving of more acceptance, inclusion, sensitivity, respect, and compassion.

But it is of course entirely up to you. I apologize for writing this as it is a very personal matter for you. Please be welcome to disregard this. I hope you feel better.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Thanks for the input.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Also I've been dealing with this since diagnosis at 19 and I'm now 39 with a break from it from 23-30 after I converted. The diagnosis of the medical profession keeps changing. I'm just seeing it as a process to completely abandon the things of this world and to only carry the cross of Christ and seek only him, store my treasures in heaven and pay no mind to the empty promises of Satan's kingdom, while still functioning on the needs level and missioning to the lost, but I have to get found again 1st. Get back to me after my 40 day easter fast and see if I am more well. Really though thanks for the support but these symptoms aren't always a chemical imbalance they are other worldly.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Though of course drinking alcohol more then small amounts or using drugs to get high will change the chemical balance of ones brain. Scripture says "if you break in to heaven illegally you will be cast down into ghenna." There's no getting high with substances without coming down. I'm sure that not the only illegal way to get peace of mind, and I'm sure ghenna isn't solely psychological, family break downs, divorce, crime, suicide, violence and all that hellish negative stuff.