Kayte Discerns (An Ongoing Journey)

[Guest]

On 6/9/2018 at 12:54 PM, Kayte Postle said:

Friends, in my journey I need some prayer right now. I am so frustrated because of my mental illness, especially as of late. I'm having to move soon, and I'm not even sure where I'm going to live in a few weeks. I had to cut my hair very short, because it was falling out due to stress. To say the least my mental state has been shakey lately. I'm having to lay this down at the cross about 100 times a day.

My heart longs for the convent, but I know it's still quite awhile aways, if it is in God's plan for me at all. I see the community I love and long to be there among them, and tonight my heart is sick at the thought that I might never be there. God is good always though, and I know that He is in control and ultimately working for my good, and the good and salvation of the world. He is Lord, and that's enough. Sometimes I have to remind my heart of that fact. So some prayers would be appreciated.

 

I was very sorry indeed to read of your plight and will keep you in daily prayer - I will be praying too for your desire for religious life and that there will be a Joyful outcome for you.

I am inspired by your open hearted honesty and your spiritual state in the midst of suffering and a very heavy cross.  Thank you very much for sharing.

[Kayte Postle]

On 6/12/2018 at 7:49 AM, BarbaraTherese said:

I was very sorry indeed to read of your plight and will keep you in daily prayer - I will be praying too for your desire for religious life and that there will be a Joyful outcome for you.

I am inspired by your open hearted honesty and your spiritual state in the midst of suffering and a very heavy cross.  Thank you very much for sharing.

Thank you BarbaraTherese. These kind words from you are really encouraging, and I often come back to them.

Struggling again fam. Mostly, I think, out of impatience. My move ended up going sour, and I had to move back in with my parents for financial reasons. This is a challenge for many reasons, but it also is difficult to continue communicating with a community and planning visits because my parents aren't aware that I'm still discerning. I've told them in the past, and it's gone very poorly. I kept "stopping" my discernment out of a need to make them happy. I've decided to keep it to myself until there is more to tell, and I am further along in the process. I love them dearly, but I cannot make decisions based off of them.

I also recently started a new job, which is going well, thanks be to God. However my heart still longs for the convent, and any time I see a sister (irl or online) I want to cry. I am struggling with impatience, and wanting things to happen on my time. My mantra and song has been "Thy will be done", even though I am terribly poor at living it out as of late. God's got a plan, I just have to see it through by trusting.

There is hope on the horizon. The community I am talking to has agreed to let me come for a visit. They are very busy in the summer with different things, so it will be easier for them if I visit in the fall. This community is willing to see what the Lord has in store, and my medication is not an automatic "no". When I talked with the VD it went splendidly, and sounds like it could be a good fit. I am hopeful, but obviously have a bit of trepidation.

I also ask for you to pray for me and my sin struggles. I've lived a way-ward life before coming to Christ, and certain sinful habits come creeping up to tempt me in times of struggle. I have to cling tightly to my Beloved amidst the storm, He's always there though clinging tightly to me.

Love you all pham, and constantly pray for you!

Edited July 4, 2018 by Kayte Postle

[Sister Leticia]

8 hours ago, Kayte Postle said:

I also ask for you to pray for me and my sin struggles. I've lived a way-ward life before coming to Christ, and certain sinful habits come creeping up to tempt me in times of struggle. I have to cling tightly to my Beloved amidst the storm, He's always there though clinging tightly to me.

Dear Kayte

I know this is hard, but try not to focus too much on your shortcomings, and memories of the past. The Enemy loves it when we do that! It makes us become discouraged and we become anxious or over-scrupulous and can begin to doubt the extent of God's love and mercy. It can make us focus on ourselves in an unhealthy, hopeless, self-loathing kind of way, so that we lose sight of God who is gazing at us with infinite tenderness and compassion - with pity not with blame (the title of a book about the spirituality of Julian of Norwich and the Cloud of Unknowing)

And as the author of the Cloud says... "It is not what you are or what you were that God looks on with merciful eyes, but what you long to be"

Sending prayers across the pond!

 

[Kayte Postle]

Hey pham! So small update, I ended telling my mother that I am still discerning. It was a very heavy and long conversation, but it went much better than I expected, not well but better than I hoped for. I am very close with my mother, and it was eating me up to not be sharing this with her. Ultimately though, she is acting out of concern for me and my health, and all she wants is my ultimate happiness. Although she'd much rather see me married, she's being a lot more supportive and understanding of my possible vocation. I thank God for the work He's doing in her, and in me.

Quick question, how often do you think I should check in with the community I am discerning with? At the latest I am going to email them in early September to plan a visit for the fall, but should I be updating or touching base with them more frequently? (I think the last time I wrote them was in early June).

 

 

Edited July 10, 2018 by Kayte Postle

[Lou]

I talk to the VD of the community I'm entering almost weekly... But I think probably monthly is a good beginning point. It's a two way street though and they can get in touch too. Though some VDs don't want to come across as if they're pressurising the discerner so it's good for you to reach out to let them know that you're still praying about it and still hoping to come to visit and still feeling that attraction. It's also helpful if they know what else you're up in the summer to help them get to know you! So if you're working a bit or going on vacation (!), just tell them, adding on that you'd like to visit in fall if that suits. Equally asking them for book recommendations to learn more about their community or Order is a wise option too  

Glad your talk with your mom went well. I have a similar situation so I empathise. Keep praying for her, these things are never as bad as they seem at first, God has a hand. All will be well. 

[Totus Tuus Maria]

Praying for you dear sister. God is with you. 

 

[Jennifer]

Many prayers for Kayte and Lou as the continue their discernment. God Bless you both.

[TheresaThoma]

As far as communication I found every month or so it was good to touch base with the VD. Asking for book recommendations is always good and then share what you thought was interesting or challenging from the book.

I know that when I would be getting ready for a visit I would email more frequently but that was more due to working out details (dates, what to bring, when to arrive etc). Prayers for you!

[Kayte Postle]

I guess it's time for an update pham. I'm honestly struggling in life right now, and am considering putting active discernment on hold for the time being. I got slammed with a 10K hospital bill, that I'm struggling to pay off along with my student loans. I also had to leave a job because it was affecting my health very seriously. I may need to take time and face the reality that while I sincerely believe with all my soul that I am called, I just might not have the ability to live religious life. It's really hard to take a deep honest look at yourself, but I only want God's will. If He didn't make me for religious life, than He made me for something that will fulfill me more than RL ever could. 

On the positive side, I'm getting better health wise (slowly but surely), and I am also considering applying for grad school programs so that I can teach at the university level. God is always good, and always reigns. That is the thing I have to hold onto during the stormy times of life. I am also going to begin looking at third orders, and see if perhaps that would be a good fit for me. Who knows? Only God, and I'm trusting Him. Keep me in your prayers, and I always keep you all in mine! 

[Guest]

Thank you for your prayers, Kayte - I will keep you in mine and may The Good Lord quickly lead you out of this very difficult time for you.

[Kayte Postle]

Hey all! Good news, first off I am recovering really really well from my health set back. I'm as good as new and even better. Second, I have been praying and come to the realization that I had been listening to the negative voices in my life, especially when it comes to my vocation. The Lord has been calling me to this way of life for a long time, since I truly honestly believe this I need to stand behind it 100%. I've committed to orienting everything I do in life towards that end. I want to walk in obedience to the Lord, and not the negative voices in my life. Third, the job hunt is going really well, and I should be starting work again within the next week or so. I'm switching fields completely, but I think it's all for the best right now. I'll be moving out of my parents home in May or sooner, but things are improving there too. I think my new found (Jesus founded) confidence is making a big difference. 

Vocation wise I've been keeping the community I am discerning with informed about what is happening in my life, and they have been supportive and very pleased with my honesty. I am penciling in a week long stay with them sometime in December, it's just waiting for approval from the prioress. Then I have a general weekend retreat with their brother community next weekend in my state (I'm hoping some of the sisters will be there). My prayer life is growing, and things in general are just plan out good. 

I'm always praying for you all, and ask that you pray for me too! I love this community and you guys just rock! Pax! 

[Guest]

Great news about your health and job hunting, Kayte, and about your discernment journey    The Lord can write straight in very crooked lines rather often.

[Kayte Postle]

 Hey pham, I could really use some prayers right now. I just got back from retreat, and the Lord really spoke to me in a way I was not expecting. I've longed for religious life for a very long time, and had a deep desire for it. However, every single time I go on a discernment retreat I am filled with anxiety and have no peace. I had thought this meant that I just hadn't found the "right" community yet. Over the weekend the Lord made it pretty clear that I'm just not called to religious life for a variety of reasons. I write this with tears in my eyes, and with somewhat of a broken heart. I so badly want to be a sister, to give myself to God in that particular way. Desire is not enough to live the life, one must be called by God and I am not. I know I'll be mourning this "loss" for awhile, and I ask that you pray for me during this time. Ultimately I know I will be okay, better than okay actually. For God knows best, He knows what He made me for, and I will be truly fulfilled when I am walking in obedience to His will. I know that God will make good, but right now I'm hurting hard. 

God is good and I am His daughter, right now that's all that matters and what I need to hold onto. 

[Antigonos]

HOld on to the feeling.  You serve God in every aspect of your life, not just in a monastery or convent.  Jews believe you create an act of worship with every minute of your life, if lived to the fullest, in a positive way.

[Guest]

Prayer for you, Kayte.     Vocation not necessarily follows a straight line.  Don't take anything off the table just yet. I really underscore what Antigonos had to say.  It is rare that my retreats are all peace, rather more likely full of anxiety and conflicting and really worrying thoughts are the usual.

Again I underscore Antigonos    

You said in your opening post that you had a spiritual director.  I hope you still do and if so be guided by him or her with prayer and confidence.