Depression

[immaculata]

Okay, guys. I really need some help. I'm not quite sure where how to start explaining this, but I've suffered from depression for a long time. It started when I was in 8th or 9th grade, and it's gotten a lot worse lately.

I guess I've always been a high-strung type of personality.. Perfectionistic, passionate, almost to the point of obcessive. I have a pretty low self esteem. I usually get really good grades at school, but then I feel like I'm under so much pressure to perform well, and when I don't, I really beat myself up over it.

I recently went through a really nasty breakup with a guy that I was totally crazy over. A lot of people even told me that they thought I was obcessed with him. My chaplain says he thinks I was being co-dependant on him for my self worth. Now my relationship with this guy is broken and I'm absolutely devistated everytime I think about him.

My mom knows that I'm having some problems, and she got me some "Life Strategies" books by Jay McGraw (Dr. Phil's son) with the hope that I'd be able to correct my thinking processes. Nothing really seems to help, though. I flip through the books and what they say sounds good but I can't make myself put it into practice in my life.

Sometimes I go through these really crazy dark periods, where I'm like trapped inside my thoughts. Everything seems like a movie that I'm watching but not participating in. I listen to dark music and write in my journal about death and killing myself. A month ago, when I was going through the worst of the breakup, I even cut myself. I feel totally worthless sometimes and think I'd be better off dead.

I blame myself a lot, thinking that if I had the personal power, if I was a better Catholic, if I prayed more, went to Mass more, spent more time in Adoration I wouldn't have this problem. Sometimes I really love God and am fully consumed in love for Him, and other times I have a hard time believing that any of it is true.

I think I need to go see a therepist, but I'm scared. I don't think he'll understand. Antidepressants seem like the easy way out, when really I should be able to fix this on my own.

I was looking for some sort of Catholic website on depression, but there is none. I feel so hopeless, I really need some help to stop feeling like this. St. Dymphna, pray for me!! -_-

[cathgirl]

[quote name='immaculata' date='Jun 25 2004, 09:07 PM'] I blame myself a lot, thinking that if I had the personal power, if I was a better Catholic, if I prayed more, went to Mass more, spent more time in Adoration I wouldn't have this problem. Sometimes I really love God and am fully consumed in love for Him, and other times I have a hard time believing that any of it is true.

[/quote]
I've been like that before. Especially aobut how I should pray more. I don't have anyone to talk to so things just build up inside of me and I start to feel sorry for myslef and then I think I'm stupid for doing that. I'll pray for you!!!!! If you need anything I'm here for you!! I don't know how it feels to want to kill yourdlef, but whenever I start to think about that I close my eyes. I sit on my bed and imagine that Jesus is sitting by me w/ a MASSIVE smile on his face and that Daddy is there too. I also imagine Mary and just talk to them. I also ask Jesus to give me a hug. It helps a lot. You don't have to say any prayers. Just sit there.

Again, I'm always here for you to talk to!!!!!! :hearts:

[azaelia]

I know exactly how you feel [hug] All I can tell you is to pray for guidance, and lean on God more than ever now. It doesn't mean you have to be in Adoration all the time. Just trust in him, and remember even when you're doubting He's there. He never leaves your side. And remember, we :wub: you! My prayers are with you.

[Paladin D]

I do not know if I have it as bad as you, but I myself tend to put my expectations up [b]too[/b] high at times, and when I don't reach them... I get depressed, thinking I'm stupid and all. Much of what you said, I feel at times myself (considering the death and all), and how my life feels like some tragic movie.

This is where Satan comes along and wants to try and mingle with our thoughts, get us to dwell on such things. It's easier said than done of course, you can't just escape this in a flash (unless it's a miracle from God). All I can say is, I'll pray for you. If you need to talk or anything, let me know. I use four messengers now.

[ilovechrist]

we've all been there immaculata--it's tough. i can be a bit perfonistic as well, that's probably something i need to rid myself of.

breakups are even worse. you get so into the relationship, and so dependent on the other person, you forget about yourself.

talk to me on Yahoo! if you want somebody to listen, or whatever...
that's why us Pham are here

[Colleen]

You're not alone, dear! Remember, we :wub: you! If you ever want to talk, feel free.

:group:

[voiciblanche]

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you, and you can talk to me, too, if you want.

:wub:

[curtins]

I think its safe to say that were all here for you.

my advice- pray pray pray!!! even if you dont feel like it- force yourself to talk to God because it relaxes you and makes you feel better. I would talk to ur family and deffinatly consider seeing a therapist dude. Go to church. Go to confession. Read the bible. Get a good book (such as Tom Clancy) where you can read and esscape the world if nessesary. But try an face your problems. Remember that God loves you, I love you, and we all love you.

Stay strong!!! my prayers are with you!!!!

[cathgirl]

*SMILE*


(did that help )

[Azriel]

Sweetheart - If you ever want to talk to someone who's suffered with anxiety and depression I'm here for you. I, too, have went through extremely dark periods. I have tremendously low self esteem, and have obsessive tendencies. Formally, I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder).

Keep praying, and if at all possible, consider finding a Christian/Catholic therapist. It saved my life.

During the worst of my struggles, I came here to my phamily. That was one of the first posts I ever made at PM, and it was Cmom and jasJis who responded to those first posts. I've never forgot that.

We are all here for you.

PM me if you want to.

Much love and may Mary deliver you to her Son in these dark times.

[immaculata]

THanks for listening and praying... I feel really bad about dumping my problems out on other people, but I felt like I just needed to tell my pham.. the prayers mean soooo much to me. I know that prayer has a powerful, POWERFUL effect on people's lives. keep praying for some divine intervention to get me out of this bad dream!! :hearts:

[VeraMaria]

I am praying immaculata. Tell me if you ever need to talk.

God Bless!

[Iacobus]

I have been through times simalr to what you are talking about. Not excatly but kinda of like them.

I have in the past been co-dependent on others. I needed their approval and company or I was very upset, sad, and alone. I am praying for you. We all have rought times.

And about seeing therepist, if you think you need to go give it a chance. One of my friends tired to kill himself last fall and is still suffering from deperssion. Senice we started seeing a therepist it has helped him a lot, it gives him someone he can trust and that will always listen and give him advice.

[CreepyCrawler]

don't feel guilty about 'dumping' your problems on us. we are here to love you and pray for you. i know how you feel, though, it was amazing to read some of what you wrote, it's exactly how i feel and i thought i was the only one. so now i don't feel alone. did you think your 'dumpage' would help anyone? it did. and i will pray for you. do not despair!

[immaculata]

[quote name='CreepyCrawler' date='Jun 25 2004, 11:04 PM'] don't feel guilty about 'dumping' your problems on us. we are here to love you and pray for you. i know how you feel, though, it was amazing to read some of what you wrote, it's exactly how i feel and i thought i was the only one. so now i don't feel alone. did you think your 'dumpage' would help anyone? it did. and i will pray for you. do not despair! [/quote]
that really helps, knowing that I'm not the only one who goes through feelings like this!!

does anyone ever feel really really fake? Like, I look at myself sometimes, and I look like such a great Catholic and star student and perfect child on the outside, but I know that inside I'm all messed up and angry and hateful... sometimes I feel like I'm just pretending and I don't know which one is the real me... but then I heard this speaker say that the line between good and evil is drawn down the middle of every human heart. I just can't understand how the good Katrina and the bad Katrina can co-exist... I know, I'm rambling.. I need to go to bed. :sleep: