Preparation for entry to Religious community

[JJJPK]

Hello all!

I hope you're having a lovely evening! I come, seeking your two cents about preparation for entry to Religious Life. 

Here is my (brief and basic) background. I'm seventeen. I'm joining the Benedictines of Mary Queen of Apostles on September 15th. I do have a spiritual director, who has given me much sage advice and sound council, however, he is a pastor now, so we don't get many opportunities to meet. 

So, basically, of late, I have been feeling really lousy in all different kinds of ways. While there is always an underlying joy and a sense of peace, I've been experiencing a lot of trials. And its been stupid, petty, little things that are just nagging at me. For example: I have felt envious of people who are more beautiful or who are more pious than me. I have felt annoyed with my parents and siblings. And I have felt a deep, overwhelming sense of complete inadequacy and weekness. I have been trying to go to the chapel daily, but I often don't, and give in to laziness. I have tried to incorporate more fasting into my routine and I am woefully weak in this area. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is so week! And mind you, these are not heroic St. Anthony of the desert style fasts, I was simply trying to avoid sweets for one weekend and I didn't . . .of course. I feel like I am constantly commiting some sort of sin, be it from omission or otherwise. I was not prone to scruples before this, but it was probably just because I was so slothful, that I didn't even have a clear perception of my own sinfulness. I'm unwilling to deny myself and suffer, and at the same time this makes me miserble and fills me with self loathing. I feel like I must constantly be doing good, but then it seems like such an exhausting weight, to be continually dying to self. I have been reading a lot about the little way of St. Therese lately. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it, though it seems so appealing! She mentions, 

"Resign yourself, to stumbling at every step. Love your powerlessness, and your soul will benefit more from it than if, aided by grace, you were to behave with enthusiastic heroism and fill your soul with self satisfaction and pride." 

I have a difficult time comprehending this! How can I love my powerlessness (i.e. falling into sin), when sin is the thing that separates me from God? Therese had such a profound trust. Clearly, I am a far cry from her child-like simplicity. I am proud and concieted and discouraged when I fall. I forget which saint said this, but it was something to the effect, that we should not be surprised when we fall, but when we do good. 

Surprisingly, I have not had any major doubts about entering the community. I am very excited and eager to start a totally new way of life and self abandonment. I can't wait to begin living the vows and I know the structured life will be very good for me.

But yeah, these are the basic struggles. When the Prioress of my (soon to be) community told me that the devil is very active before a candidate enters, I believed her, but not as earnestly as I should have! 

By the way, I apologise for any typos. I'm not very dextrous when it comes to typing on the keyboard of my phone. 

Please pray for me dear friends, and know that I will pray for you! 

JJJPK

 

[AveMariaPurissima]

Hello JJJPK!  Congratulations on your upcoming entrance to the Benedictines of Mary!!  

Hopefully others more qualified than I will address your concerns.  They are ones I have experienced too, so I would appreciate others' insights also!

1 hour ago, JJJPK said:

I have been reading a lot about the little way of St. Therese lately. I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around it, though it seems so appealing! She mentions, 

"Resign yourself, to stumbling at every step. Love your powerlessness, and your soul will benefit more from it than if, aided by grace, you were to behave with enthusiastic heroism and fill your soul with self satisfaction and pride." 

I have a difficult time comprehending this! How can I love my powerlessness (i.e. falling into sin), when sin is the thing that separates me from God? Therese had such a profound trust. Clearly, I am a far cry from her child-like simplicity. I am proud and concieted and discouraged when I fall. I forget which saint said this, but it was something to the effect, that we should not be surprised when we fall, but when we do good. 

A couple books I would highly recommend, if you have the chance, are I Believe in Love by Fr. Jean C. J. D'Elbee and 33 Days to Merciful Love by Fr. Michael Gaitley, MIC.  Both of them explain St. Thérèse's little way better than I ever could.  But my understanding is this: It's not our sin itself that we love, but through God's grace and goodness, He can bring good out of it and use it to help us grow in humility and trust.  Every sin, recognized with humility and repented of, can be a stepping stone that leads us back to our Lord's heart if we use it as an occasion to deepen our conversion.  So often we'd love to have the satisfaction of seeing ourselves do well.  But if I keep trying, and despite my best efforts, mess up, those falls give me reason to return to Jesus and deepen my humility and my trust and reliance on Him.  Fr. Gaitley emphasizes a three-part understanding of how to live the little way: recognize our littleness and weakness, trust Jesus completely, and never stop trying to do our very best, like the little child St. Thérèse writes of, who keeps trying to climb the stairs but can't even make it up the first step.  

I hope that made at least some sense.  It's late and my writing isn't coming out as well as I'd like!  May the Lord bless you!!

[chrysostom]

Disclaimer: not a religious + I'm don't know you personally so this is based on what you said + someone please correct me if I say anything out of place!

With that said...

Stay faithful to the ordinary things and don't try to introduce new devotions or penances. Abandon yourself to God when you rise in the morning and entrust yourself to your guardian angel, then go about your day without introducing overmuch of a programme. Your daily life will change soon enough anyway. God will take care of you because you are His beloved daughter.

At night offer your thanks to God, recall your sins, ask his forgiveness, and go to sleep. Those pesky, mysterious inner operations of the soul? Your Blessed Mother will take care of those...just ask. You're not going to "finesse" your way through the last month. It's going to be ordinary. Let it be!

And certainly I'll pray for you! Please pray for me too.

Edited August 10, 2017 by chrysostom

[Guest]

I am not a religious either - but will be keeping you in prayer. 

[Sister Leticia]

Your prioress gave you good advice - the Enemy does indeed become very active when someone seeks to follow Jesus. And as I said in my response to Maedung (a couple of threads down, about anxiety over vocation - and the same caveats here, regarding not knowing you, only what you have written) - the Enemy is very subtle, and puts what seem like holy and godly ideas into our heads. So we fail to live up to unrealistic resolutions and beat ourselves up, or else we become scrupulous and end up wallowing in our sinfulness - and in all this, very subtly, we stop looking at God and end up looking at ourselves and loathing what we see...

I offer you this, from Julian of Norwich, who in one of her visions saw a servant hurrying to carry out his Lord's will, and falling into a pit. 

"Then he groans and moans and wails and writhes, but he cannot rise up nor help himself in any way.

In all this, the greatest misfortune that I saw him in was the lack of reassurance, for he could not turn his face to look back upon his loving lord (who was very near to him and in whom there is complete comfort), but like a man who was feeble and witless for the moment, he was intent on his suffering, and waited in woe....

...I watched deliberately to see if I could discover any failure in him, or if the lord would allot him any blame, and truly there was none seen—for only his good will and his great desire were the cause of his falling, and he was as willing and as good inwardly as when he stood before his lord ready to do his will.

And in the same way his loving lord constantly watched him most tenderly...."

https://www.orderofjulian.org/The-Parable-of-the-Lord-and-the-Servant

So the servant becomes focused on his fall and misery and his failure in his errand, and not on the Lord who loves him and looks on him with love and compassion. Sound familiar, anyone?

JJJPK: you've only got a month left with your family and friends before you enter. Spend that time with the people you love, doing the things you love. Be gentle with yourself and with your family, who are going to miss you, and want to make the most of this time with you. As Chrysostom suggests, live and pray simply and with trust. Eat lots and lots of sweets and ice cream and whatever else you enjoy and might only get on feast days in the monastery. You'll have plenty of time to fast and read good books and understand St Therese in a new way after you've entered!

Blessings!

 

[Guest]

13 hours ago, Sister Leticia said:

the Enemy does indeed become very active when someone seeks to follow Jesus

[sr.christinaosf]

I can relate - make it a daily practice to turn to God in prayer for the strength - and even the willingness to do what He wants you to do.

Could you contact your SD/pastor and ask to meet with him briefly about these struggles - I think that might be good.

[CatherineM]

Transitions are always difficult. You're experiencing some of the things I did before leaving for college or before my oldest went off to Navy boot camp. Add in the fact that your boot camp is to train you as a warrior for Christ, the Devil will find you a tempting target. 

[Feankie]

Congratulations as well!!  Disclaimer:   I am not a religious, I am a SD and have met with many soon-to-enter the convent and just-left-the convent women.  To echo some of the other sentiments, don't be so hard on yourself.  This is a very opportune time for the Evil One to be at work in your life and in your thoughts.  You've most like got a ton of "stuff" to get done or take care of before your entrance date, so please don't burden yourself with additional devotional practices at this time.  After you enter you will have plenty of time for learning the devotions and practices of the Community. After all, it is a time of discernment and learning.  

When we try to add additional "things" we "think" we should do in the midst of doing what we "must" do, that's where things get muddy and self-doubt enters the picture. Is it possible to have a chat with your Formation Directress (I'm not sure what your Order calls this position) and just unburden yourself with what is going on?

After meeting with many candidates throughout the years, I can assure you that you're not the first woman, nor will you be the last, to experience this.  Please don't be so hard on yourself or start having doubts. The Lord has called you to where He wants you to be in this season of your life.  Go into Ephesus with confidence, with hope, love, and gratitude that He called and you obeyed.

I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[vee]

On 2017-08-09 at 8:24 PM, JJJPK said:

"Resign yourself, to stumbling at every step. Love your powerlessness, and your soul will benefit more from it than if, aided by grace, you were to behave with enthusiastic heroism and fill your soul with self satisfaction and pride." 

I have a difficult time comprehending this! How can I love my powerlessness (i.e. falling into sin), when sin is the thing that separates me from God? 

I have my doubts if St Therese  meant powerlessness in reference to sin or at least sin alone. Remember she also said " all is grace" and I think the two are connected. She was also happy to see herself weak and in need of God's help.  Something I think is poverty of spirit. She knew she could do nothing on her own. I think it will all make more sense when you enter and are living it, then you will see your powerlessness and stumbling!  If you don't understand something in her writings set it aside and reread it after you've entered  it may make a whole new world of sense then  plus there are smarter people there who can explain things better!

I think it's good to pray and sacrifice before you enter. St Therese said prayer and sacrifice are her invincible arms, so yes keep up your usual practices. I've never done so myself but knowing others who joined the military they focused on training before they went to boot camp so they would be better prepared. If you stopped your usual prayers and sacrifices now it would be similar to the would be soldier stopping their daily training.  Don't go crazy though like someone joining the military and prior to boot camp saying ok I'm going to go from the couch to running five miles a day. They are better off starting at a shorter distance and working their way up. Maintain your current practices in a similar way. 

[dominicansoul]

#1 The Beast is all riled up because you are entering one of the most badass communities in these United States

#2 You're getting all wrapped up in becoming a Saint in 24 hours...don't even try that, you'll go crazy.

#3 Once you enter, your Superiors will straighten this out.  Well, actually, living an horarium kind of puts all things into place and your disorganized, ruffled self calms and settles down into the beauty of living religious life.

[vee]

What ds said. 

[vee]

I mean if you look at #2 then you look at ds you can see what happens 

[truthfinder]

4 hours ago, vee said:

I have my doubts if St Therese  meant powerlessness in reference to sin or at least sin alone. Remember she also said " all is grace" and I think the two are connected

I

In the Carmelite classic, Divine Intimacy, one of the meditations is precisely on powerlessness in sin.  I don't have the citation now, but if it's wanted I could dig it up.  I believe the author did draw on St. Therese's writing. It's very much about realizing that being holy and becoming a saint is not about how much you can do, but rather accepting that it is all God's grace. 

JJJPK, you write that you feel inadequate and weak - this is your powerlessness.  Instead of feeling like you need to do more, acknowledge it, embrace it, bring it to God - and for your own sanity, mention it to your superior or confessor/sd.  Prayers for you, and all the best. 

[andibc]

Two of my daughters have entered religious life in the past 6 years and what you described sound so familiar.  You've been given great advice. 

Try not to think about your thoughts, just let them slide away into the Blessed Mother's hands and ask her to take care of things. 

Keep busy. Have fun with your family and don't let the devil get in between you all, as he will try mightly to do that.  Be sure to toss things you don't need and box up other items clearly labeling the box.  Write notes to your family members to read after you leave and some for your mom for advent and lent when you can't write (and she'll be missing you.)  Help family or friends clean out a room they've been wanting to deal with, but have been putting off.  Basically, keep busy with acts of charity so that people and thoughts don't disturb your peace and before you know it, the big day will be here.  Prayers.