When people say you don't have a vocation to RL

[Julie de Sales]

How much weight do you give these comments? I've had people in my life who told me religious life is not for me, that I don't have a vocation and this without even knowing me well. Has this happen to you and how do you respond, especially when they say something like "it's not for you", "you will not make it", "you should get married instead", "you're wasting your time/talents", etc. It really bothers me to hear that and I cannot come up with an answer, some are not even open to hear my reasons or they dismiss them. If I will choose to join the community I'm considering and I will have to announce my decision to my family, I'm sure I will face these reactions. Any suggestions?

[McM RSCJ]

I know it is probably not wise for me to respond since I don't know you, Julie.   And yet here are my thoughts.  I hope you will feel free to set aside everything I say unless something sounds right to you. 

Your post says these comments come from those who don't know you.  Yet you conclude by saying you assume you will get the same questions for those who do know you, like your family members.  

My hunch is that ordinarily we do not always need to take to heart comments (especially ones that are hard to hear) from persons who don't know us (though sometimes such comments are spot on) but probably should receive and ponder with an open heart and mind such comments from those who do. 

One possibility is that those who have made these comments to you are responding to your own uncertainty.  For example, you mention you have gone back and forth on entering, haven't yet decided to enter a particular Congregation. and haven't yet applied (I think?).   If you are nevertheless talking about entering with those who don't know you well, I think it may be understandable your listeners have doubts.   As an example, it might sound to them as though you are talking about whether or not to marry "X," when you and "X," aren't dating, never mind engaged.   Or, on the other hand, they might have their own "issues" with Religious Life--which they then  dump on you.

In my own case, I certainly had some persons I care about ask me why I was entering--and I could tell they didn't get it or like it one bit.   I would try to explain, but I did not try to convince them otherwise.  I distinctly remember thinking that I did not know myself whether or if it would all work out--so why try to assert a certainty I did not have.

I found out much later my Dad worried I would not get a good education.  He never objected to my entering because of that.  I only found out when he told me how relieved he was at the superb educational opportunities that in fact awaited me.

One last point:  presumably you will have detailed psychological testing by a Health Professional before you are accepted.  Orders look for Health Professionals who both understand Religious Life and are highly trained in the human psyche.  That person mat be able to offer you a considered judgment about aspects of "fit," --even though there is no one "fit." 

[Pax17]

In my experience, sometimes people are envious of those who try to follow their aspirations, especially if they are  "different"  (a religious vocation, major career change, move to another country, etc.)  Many people are not brave enough to follow their dreams (it does take courage), others are thwarted by circumstances (illness, injury, lack of funds, various obligations).  Sadly, there are those who never had or who were afraid to have any special hopes and dreams.  All are quick to put a damper on anyone else's dreams, even to the point of making one doubt oneself.  Understand where they're coming from and continue on your own path.  These people need your prayers.

[Luigi]

If they want to have a discussion, then have a discussion (with those few people).

My first reaction would be to ask them sarcastically, "What do you even know about religious life? What do you know about me? When did I ask for your opinion?" Et cetera. (I work very hard NOT to actually say my first reaction, most of the time.)

The easier and still polite thing to say is, "Thank you for your input. I'll take it into consideration." And then go blithely on your merry way. 

[TamTam]

My parish priest was always discouraging me. But I think a lot of that had to do with him not having all the details. He didn't know i had been spending a lot of time discerning and having a live-in with a community and so forth.  He also did not know a lot about how I wanted to be a nun since i was a child.  Sometimes I felt he just wanted to be Catholic matchmaker at our church.   A few years later I was begging him to help me find a spiritual director, and he did! Thank goodness.  

[vee]

You don't really know if you have a vocation to religious life or not until you make final vows, so one reply to people could be " well we shall see what happens."  

[EmilyAnn]

If these sorts of discouraging comments come from people who don't know you very well or don't know a lot about religious life, then that really says it all! Few people, even practicing Catholics, have a good understanding of vocations to religious life. And you may face opposition from family, friends if you do choose to enter religious life. Sometimes this comes from a place of ignorance, but more often from a place of concern. If your loved ones have genuine concerns hear them out and help them understand where you are coming from.

It does sound like these comments are weighing on you. Ultimately your vocation is between you and the Lord and you shouldn't let what others think bother you (easier said than done, I know). However, if you have your own doubts then don't ignore those. Doubts don't always mean you don't have a vocation but you should always question why you're having them.

[MiserereMeiDeus]

19 hours ago, Julie de Sales said:

If I will choose to join the community I'm considering and I will have to announce my decision to my family, I'm sure I will face these reactions. Any suggestions?

Ask them to pray for you as you continue discerning God's Will, and also for perseverance in following Him wherever He leads. This is good for any case: discerning entering, preparing for entering, and when you are with the community. You don't have to explain anything to anyone, but you can ask for prayers. They can't argue with you, but then again they can if they want, that you truly want to seek His plan for you and live it.

Edited March 13, 2017 by MiserereMeiDeus
changed word

[Antigonos]

I suppose it's odd, since I'm not even a Christian, let alone a Catholic, to be giving advice about vocations, but several things have occurred to me.  I became a nurse at a time when the profession was still full of starch and lots of rules.  Everything had to be done in very specific ways.  There was a great deal of regimentation.  About one-third of my initial class dropped out over the three years [mostly because they couldn't cope with the science but some who found that nursing wasn't as much about soothing fevered brows as they thought]

If you feel that religious life is for you, all you can do is give it your best shot, and see how things turn out.  Life continues, whether in a convent or in secular life.  There was a Phatmasser a few years ago who longed for a contemplative cloister, but found it in reality stifling, then went to Africa as a teaching missionary, something she'd never previously considered, and found her metier.  All I can say to you is to be open, try not to have exaggerated expectations, be honest with yourself, and take each day as it comes.  And oh yes, pray.  All cliches, but cliches come into being for a reason, you know!