Spiritual Direction Query...

[kg94]

I'd just like to know what you all think of a spiritual director calling up others to verify things? Others could be priests, Religious and people who knew the directee previously, including congregations who they are known to/have previously discerned with. I've been told this is all routine and normal, but is it? Has anyone else had this experience? 

[OnlySunshine]

Personally, I think it's a great idea - especially if you've not contacted the community yet.  This way, the spiritual director (if they are trained and experienced) can ask them questions you may not think of and make sure they are in good standing with the Church. 

[Sister Marie]

Do you mean the spiritual director is calling communities and verifying information about them or do you mean the spiritual director is calling people who know you/knew you and verifying information about you?

In my opinion, both of these is inappropriate.  The role of a spiritual director is to help you see how God is acting in your life not to take control of it.  Obviously, we don't know your director or your relationship with him/her but based on what you wrote, this action doesn't seem healthy.  

The only times I've ever had directors research something in relation to me has been to give a reading suggestion or a retreat suggestion or something like that.  I've never had a director go behind the scenes in my life.  It would make me very uneasy.    

[LittleDiana]

I think that, as Spiritual Direction calls for reserve, it doesn't seem normal.

In my opinion a SD must ask permission to the directee before doing that, and be specific about what he or she intends to verify.

[Feankie]

As a SD myself, I'd have to vote "NO". It is never all right to, for lack of a better word, "pry".  It is a breach of confidentiality that is made between the director and the directee.  As I've mentioned in previous posts on SD, before beginning a relationship with a potential directee, we draw up a list of expectations on both of our parts, and strict confidentiality is first and foremost.  My job as a SD is to help you along where you are NOW.  Often sticking points do occur where we might revisit things that have happened in the past, but that is between the 2 of us......no poking around for additional insight.  Be careful......

[kg94]

I mean the SD is calling people who have known me to verify things about my discernment e.g. he told me he's going to call the congregation I was previously a Candidate with to verify that I was there... etc...

[deusluxmea]

I have never heard of a spiritual director doing this.

[Sister Marie]

7 hours ago, kg94 said:

I mean the SD is calling people who have known me to verify things about my discernment e.g. he told me he's going to call the congregation I was previously a Candidate with to verify that I was there... etc...

 

That is really a strange thing to do.  If this person is a priest, I doubt he has had real training as a spiritual director.  When looking for a spiritual director you have every right (and the responsibility) to ask for the person's qualifications - even if he is a priest.  You are entrusting something very sacred to this person and, even if he/she is well meaning, damage can be done through ignorance.  

It is not your spiritual director's job to verify what you tell him/her.  The relationship should be built on trust.  The director trusts that the directed is there for his or her spiritual well-being and wouldn't jeopardize that by lying.  The directed trusts that the director has no other motive than the spiritual growth of the person.  

I would suggest you have another conversation with this person before continuing the spiritual direction relationship.  Ask if the person has certification in spiritual direction from a reputable institute of education.  Set clear boundaries that you are comfortable with and that respect your autonomy as a mature and capable adult who is seeking deeper relationship with God.  If the director is uncomfortable with this, I think you need to consider searching for a different director.

[kg94]

On 2/7/2017 at 8:10 PM, Sister Marie said:

That is really a strange thing to do.  If this person is a priest, I doubt he has had real training as a spiritual director.  When looking for a spiritual director you have every right (and the responsibility) to ask for the person's qualifications - even if he is a priest.  You are entrusting something very sacred to this person and, even if he/she is well meaning, damage can be done through ignorance.  

It is not your spiritual director's job to verify what you tell him/her.  The relationship should be built on trust.  The director trusts that the directed is there for his or her spiritual well-being and wouldn't jeopardize that by lying.  The directed trusts that the director has no other motive than the spiritual growth of the person.  

I would suggest you have another conversation with this person before continuing the spiritual direction relationship.  Ask if the person has certification in spiritual direction from a reputable institute of education.  Set clear boundaries that you are comfortable with and that respect your autonomy as a mature and capable adult who is seeking deeper relationship with God.  If the director is uncomfortable with this, I think you need to consider searching for a different director.

Hi Sr Marie, 

Many thanks for replying to my phorum topic. 

I suspect that my SD is using "verification" as some sort of excuse to speak to the Srs I was discerning with previously as well as the Carmel I'm journeying with now in Malaysia (though I won't enter there due to nationality requirements, which they know, but offered to help me) because I think my SD is worried about me. I don't know how to explain it, but I get the feeling that he's probably seeking advice but doesn't want to tell me the real story, probably as not to scare me, since I'm very sensitive. 

I have a callback with the formation mistress in the convent I was in to discuss things with her before she picks up my SD's call. Please God all will go well. I just have such a way of getting information out of people and finding out all sorts of things (sometimes it's things I'm not supposed to know), so I guess that just happened again. 

I'm still rather concerned, but have decided to take a step back and pray about how to approach the situation as inevitably, I would need to talk to my SD about this issue. Please keep me in prayer. 

Thanks. 

God bless, 

Kim-Thérèse

[Feankie]

Never never never!!!!!  Something doesn't smell right IMO.  we never "verify" - whatever that means :))  A SD and directee have to trust each other.  If not, there's no point in the process at all.  As I mentioned before, we work on where you are NOW and help you move forward.  As Sister said, I would highly recommend you check credentials.  In the U.S. there is a process for certification that is fairly stringent.  You can always look up someone with your credentialing agency - although that doesn't stop someone from presenting themselves as a SD with little or no training.  You have to do your due diligence and find out before you place your trust in an untrained person, priest or no priest!  Ask him (I'm assuming it's a guy) to see his diplomas/credentials, etc.  and if he balks or refuses----huge red flag.  And for goodness sakes, don't let the conversation revert to the old "Don't you trust me?"  baloney.  And, you have every right to ask the formation mistress not to speak to the SD.  That is your private information and it's your right to ask that things not be divulged.  

[Sponsa-Christi]

I agree whole-heartedly that SDs should never talk to third parties about you without your permission.

However, I think there could be some situations where, if your SD had your permission to do so, it could be helpful for a SD to consult a third party. For example, when I was discerning in college, my SD was friends with a consecrated virgin he thought it might be helpful for me to talk with. He asked me if I was interested in this, then asked for my permission for him to write an introduction to the CV. But again, the key thing here is that he asked me directly if I wanted him to do this for me, and would not have mentioned anything if I had said no. 

[Sister Leticia]

There is of course a huge difference between what Sponsa's SD did (offer to put her in touch with someone who could help her with her discernment) and what the OP's "SD" appears to be doing. I suspect he hasn't had any training - and maybe doesn't have a good SD of his own to model best practice. If he had, he'd know that confidentiality, trust and respect must underpin an SD's practice and attitudes towards their directee.

Kim-Therese - if you're still not sure about this, imagine we were talking about a doctor not an SD. You've been to see the doctor a few times, and told them about various ailments. You say you were taken ill while you were at work, that your migraines got especially severe while you were sharing a house with some friends 4 years ago - that sort of thing. Now imagine the doctor says "I need to verify what you've been telling me. I want to be sure you really have been ill and how badly, and I'm not relying on whatever you're telling me, so I'll need contact details for your ex-housemates and your work colleagues and so on, so that I can ask them lots of questions about your health and have conversations with them about you."

I imagine you'd know straightaway this wasn't the correct, professional protocol for a doctor. Well, it isn't correct for an SD either!

[kg94]

As it happens, after I had a disagreement with Fr, he disqualified himself as my SD, taking the decision out of my hands (and thanks be to God that he did, or else I'm not sure I'd have the strength to stop the SD myself, that is, opposed to slowly disappearing and slipping off for fear of offending him). I guess God always knows best. PTL.